Hi,
I am extremely new to this whole thing, but I have a little bit of a story and am looking for some thoughts or experiences that other people can share to help me decide what I should do or at the least let me learn a bit more about what is going on. Also contained within are the thoughts that I am going through at the moment.

Firstly, I am a Gay male. I have been for as long as I can remember, but I am extremely straight acting  pretty much all of the time, 99% of people wouldn't even know unless I told them. I am quite happy this way and although this post is not entirely about me there are a few issues that have come up recently that are causing me to take a serious look at the way I think about things.

Generally I never post on forums and keep most of my thoughts to myself, but in this case I am making an exception as I am heading into territory well outside my area of expertise.

I have recently met a guy that I really like, probably more then that seeing as I am actually seeking advice in relation to him. I have not really known him for all that long but am very interested in getting to know him more. I asked him out for coffee not so long ago, and coffee turned into lunch, which turned into going to a movie, which turned into having a few quiet drinks at a bar we found, which resulted in driving round town randomly with the goal of finding new and interesting bars to have one drink in then move on...

I had no intention at the outset of the night of taking him or doing anything with him in an intimate sense. That's simply not the way I operate. I am in it for more then just sexual gratification, in fact that is generally my least consideration.

When I finally ran out of interesting ideas and places to go I asked if he wanted to come back to my place, which resulted in a resounding yes, we had already left his car there earlier in the night as it is seems silly to take two cars with one person in them each.

So we ended up back at my place and had another glass of wine, (please keep in mind that this is happening from 2pm in the afternoon until 9am the next morning), and I asked him if he wanted to stay over. He did, citing drink driving being bad, even though neither of us would have even been close to over the limit, or in fact anywhere near it.

I put a movie on and gave him the spare bed in my room as to not place undue pressure on him and because it's simply impolite to do that on a first date. I eventually fell asleep and I can only assume that he did as well. This was around 4-5am in the morning. He left at about 9am in the morning, nothing having happened.

So that's the story, here are the rest of the details that I'm thinking about.

We briefly talked about him wanting to move from Male to Female, but didn't linger too long on the subject. This was pretty much the first time that I'd been made aware of this. He also pointed out that he considered himself attracted to women. I have a slightly hard time believing this as he spent so long with me and didn't seem to want to go home, even the next morning, he only left when I pointed out that he had intended to leave and that he was still here talking to me.
Along with this he expressed his intention to transition and that he had started some things but then stopped as he was worried about how it would effect his employment opportunities and that he was going to put off doing anything until some time in the future.

However, after all of these conversations he would always say 'Some things can change'. Which I have taken as things might change in the future and he might or might not do anything or change his preferences etc.

I am pretty sure that he does actually really like me, I certainly wouldn't spend 17hours with someone I didn't really get along with. On top of this he seems to have no problem with me being somewhat affectionate with him or being close to me, but I think I make him very nervous as whenever we were close he wouldn't sit very still.

We hugged before he left and made tentative plans to see each other at some later stage.

And now for my issues.

I used to be fairly certain that I wouldn't be interested in any transgender persons in any way other then just friends, but I think I am changing my perspective on that. I have no idea how that makes me feel or what on earth I'm going to do with those feelings when they come up. However, having thought about it for a day or so, I'm not sure I care any more. I am feeling more and more like it's not something that is going to bother me and that if I like someone then I all that kind of stuff simply doesn't matter...?

I know that I really like this guy, I must do, I'm posting on a forum that I've never visited before to people I don't know for an outside perspective from people who have more experience then me. I've already talked to the transgender people that I know, and partly because of them I am here now.

I guess I simply don't know how to proceed from here, or if there is anything actually there or if it is all in my head?
Am I seeing things that I want to see?
How do I continue interactions with this person?
How do I continue interactions with this person without feeling like I am changing them or ... causing them to think differently or change their minds for me or because of me.
I don't want to change them. I like them just as they are.
I guess I don't want them to look back in the future and see me as the guy that they would have done things differently, or but for him I'd be happy etc...
I am older then him, and he seems to me to be more or less happy doing whatever it is that I want to do. I don't want to have it all my way and get him to do things he doesn't really want to do...

All I know is that I really do like him and would very much like to take things quietly and see where things go and how it all pans out.
I have been advised to be very up front and intend to, but would also appreciate any additional advice with regards to the above. I really am totally out of my depth here and kind of feel like I'm starting to drown.

Thanks for any replies or advice in advance.

- Malcolm

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Trans_101

Hello.
The fact that you are here and the missive you wrote seem to indicate that you are mature and growing. That is always a good thing.
First your friend is a girl. Don't care if she looks like a lumberjack, the serious intention to transition says you have a female on your hands. You definatly seem to realy like her. I can read between lines rather well, you want her. Which is complicated by your self being gay. Now the questions.
Are you able to be with a woman? If you become an item that is a definate potentiality. If you are Bi then it probably will work. Even if there is no transition and your frined finds resolution you still have a person with a female psyche on your hands. Can you live in a polyamouros relationship? She has indicated an interest in women. You are not a girl, and women who love women need the touch of a woman. Not uncomon to have a semi open relationship to insure the needs of your mate are met.

Just some thoughts.
Good luck and best of wishes.
Cynthia Lee

Thank you for the replies.

"First your friend is a girl. Don't care if she looks like a lumberjack, the serious intention to transition says you have a female on your hands. You definatly seem to realy like her. I can read between lines rather well, you want her. Which is complicated by your self being gay."

A: I honestly am not sure any more. My sexual attraction towards females is a complicated one. There have only been two girls ever that I can remember that I could feel sexually arose around. Both of them turned out to be 'butch lesbians' I'm sorry if that's offensive but I lack the necessary language to describe them any other way at present. I also must draw a distinction here between what I consider an attractive person and pure simply sexual mechanics.

There are some girls who I can really connect with on an emotional level but it does not seem to matter how deep this connection goes, physically I do not become aroused in intimate situations. So I keep these things largely separate. I tend to aim more for the emotional connections and with guys am generally extremely disappointed as they are all purely into Sex and that's it and that an emotional connection will follow a sexual action. I prefer to attempt this the other way round. An Emotional connection should be before a sexual connection. And even at this point I'm not sure I care all that much about sex... To be perfectly honest if I want to simply 'get off' and nothing more then I can do that by myself.

At present I am definitely physically attracted to, and I'm going to be gender neutral here, them.

"Are you able to be with a woman?"

A: ... I have no idea ... previous experience would say yes on an emotional level and no on a physical level ... This is one of the questions about myself that this is causing me to think about. It this stage I really do have no idea any more ...
They are actually somewhat effeminate for a guy, apparently as I am discovering that appears to be what I find attractive. They are not hugely masculine, but masculine enough for me, and currently their personality is well ... just interesting to me, I'm not sure I'd slant it in a gender direction. Although it is more what I'm used to deal with, with guys rather then personalities of some of my friends that are girls. 

"Can you live in a polyamouros relationship?"

A: I really don't think so. I have to admit I'm a little 1920's when it comes to that. If you want to be with someone else then that's fine, but it means you shouldn't also be with me. If you really love something then set it free. I feel that it would be unfair to the other person if they wanted something I couldn't provide them with and being with me prevented them from having it, so I would simply let them go.

"She has indicated an interest in women. You are not a girl, and women who love women need the touch of a woman"

A: I get the feeling I'm really stuffed at this point. It is something that I am going to talk to them about as when they originally told me that they were into women, they again qualified it with "But that can change" ... If that can change then perhaps they are Bi? Correct me if my logic does not follow. If they are bi then there could still be something. However, when I talk to them I am going to be very upfront and very specific about this point, as if they are simply not interested then, well that's it. Done and dusted. This is the point I get to and feel as though I'm clutching at straws and seeing things I want to see rather then things that actually exist... However, if I never ask I'll never know and I can deal with rejection better then dealing with not Knowing.

I honestly don't think I could do an open relationship.

As I have mentioned, clearly I like this person enough that I am actually considering all these things seriously. I think my best course of action is now that I have thought about them somewhat to go to them and have an honest an open discussion and see where we end up, what's compatible, what's not etc. I am intending to do this in the very near future.

I will post vague non incriminating results here afterwards for those people who are interested and have made comments. At present I see two possibilities in my future.

1) They will want to try something and together we will embark on a journey of discovery about both of ourselves that will for me at least raise some very deep questions about how I view the world.

2) They will say that they are not interested. I will compartmentalise that emotion, die a little inside and move on as I always do.

I would just like to say thank you to you both, Cynthialee and FlanHusky for the information you've provided and the direction you've given my thoughts.

I guess I'll keep you posted and cross my fingers and see how this all pans out...

- Malcolm

Please do let us know the final outcome.

I myself am a MtF TS that is attracted to women, I'm not sure how old your friend is but I am 20. I've never had that much experience with relationships growing up, and for a while I tried to avoid them since I was afraid how someone would react to me. I felt pretty lonely/scared in my late teens and I looked to anyone for comfort and friendship. I didn't ever do anything intimate with a guy, but at the time (and a bit still am) I was really vulnerable, since I hated feeling alone. So where I'm getting with this is, your friend might also be in a vulnerable position, and they are just looking for someone to care about them, not necessarily a relationship. Anyways be careful with your friend

Update time:

Thanks Katelyn, I am 25 and the other party is 19. I've actually just come from talking with a friend about exactly that. They were surprised that the person I was interested in was quite so definite about not wanting to pursue anything more then a friendship. It was my intention to let them know that I didn't want to force them into a relationship and that we could take it very slowly and not use any labels or put ourselves into a certain box. I never managed to get this far though. So be it.

I have just had a very quick coffee with them. I didn't manage to get through my 'prepared speech' and all the things I'd been thinking about and mentioning on here. It basically came down to almost exactly what you all have pointed out to me. They are attracted to women and even if we removed all the other considerations that did come into it on their part, it's simply that. They are into women and not guys and that's the end of that.

I am quite upset at the moment, but I'll move on as I usually do. Trying to take a bit more on the far side of this and grow a bit more as a person. I will add this to my life experience and take everything I have learned into consideration for next time.

We've decided that we'll just remain friends, but I have made the point that I'm going to need some time to get over things and move on. Generally this doesn't take me too long, I'm becoming quite practised at it unfortunately.

So yeah, I guess that's the end of this saga.

I would just like to thank you all for your comments and advice, I really appreciate the input.

I wish you all the best of luck with your endeavours. Thank you once again.

- Malcolm Blakhurst

"Everything works out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out its not the end...."
In perpetuity ad infinitum....

Just from your posts I can tell you're a really nice guy, very considerate. I'm sure you'll find someone, good luck to you also .

Thank you for the update.
Good luck in your endeavors to secure a romantic relationship. Your dude is out there just keep looking sweety.
/big hugs