My ex-boyfriend is a FTM and I really want to know how I can make him happy!
He was so caught up with the fact that i identified myself as a lesbian that he thought that I would leave him for a girl.
I started dating him when he was still a girl and when he came out as transgender to me that didn't change the amount or the way that I loved him at all.  He was my world, but his self hate brought a strain to the relationship along with many other things.  I just want him to be happy and I need help.

Thank you! 

Have you told him this yet?

I tell him that I wish I could make him happier...but i don't want him to just get upset like he usually does with me.

hmm tough one to answer w/o knowing the person or the dynamics involved but i do want to say i thanks for the support you tried to give him and i hope you find away to make it work
jessica

Ok... You say he's your ex but in the title you say he's your boyfriend... so I'm slightly confused.

If he's your boyfriend and you're still together .... and he's with you... you obviously make him happy all on your own by just being there for him! Chica all is right in the world when the person you love is in your arms (with or without arguements!)

If he's your ex.... eh this is rocky territory. Especially with the self hate bit... That just means in my eyes that no matter what he CAN'T be happy until he does his own bit of soul searching... You've gotta love yourself before you can truly be happy, ya know?

I think that even if you care for him, that he needs his space. Let him make himself happy. Yes, be there for him, but you need to know when it's something out of your hands.


and if he's the whole "YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME! " type, just let him go. No one should base their happiness around one person. EVER. He'd need to learn that on his own. Granted, this may be a different situation entirely.


Much love. Keep us all posted.

Oh yeah! sorry about the title.  Well he left me for a straight girl about a week ago and he is still talking to me about getting back together in the future.  I just want to be able to help more when he says things like:
"I want a penis"
"I hate my life, I'm not a boy and no one ->-bleeped-<-ing gets it"
Things along those lines.

Honestly.... When he's like that... let him vent. Be there when he needs you and when it calls for it give him some words of encouragement. You dated him so you know him better than anyone on here! Be his friend and ignore the whole getting back together in the future, Set your boundries. Let him know that if he wants to be your friend he needs to stop pulling those strings.

Quote from: youreamaninmyeyes on April 17, 2010, 08:48:02 AM
I just want to be able to help more when he says things like:
"I want a penis"
"I hate my life, I'm not a boy and no one ->-bleeped-<-ing gets it"
Things along those lines.

That is an admirable thought.  And quite loving, actually.  Thank you for your understanding.  I am so glad that you are wishing the best for him.

He does have a point.  It is very hard to understand how a trans person feels when you are not trans.  This isn't about gay/lesbian/straight anything.  Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to, and gender identity is how you view yourself.

To his mind, he is a man and seeing something different in the mirror is depressing.

He feels he is wearing the wrong body.  And that is so hard to deal with sometimes.

As others have mentioned, part of it is to allow him to vent.  Holding these feelings inside are very stressful.

If you can, encourage him to see a therapist who is trained in gender issues.  Preferably one that follows WPATH guidelines. http://www.wpath.org/  Let him know that he is not alone.  And if possible, point him to forums such as ours that have female to male trans people on it.  He may find that he has quite a bit in common with others.

A lot of the feelings we have is that we are the only one in the world and we feel so isolated.  To find others like ourselves can be quite encouraging.

By the way do you have a "real" name?  Referring to you as "youareamaninmyeyes" can be a bit cumbersome.   

-Sandy

Yes, my name is Erin

Sticky point with me but, NO one can MAKE you feel anything. You may influence a persons feelings but you cannot make them feel anything.

Quote from: youreamaninmyeyes on April 17, 2010, 08:48:02 AM
Oh yeah! sorry about the title.  Well he left me for a straight girl about a week ago and he is still talking to me about getting back together in the future.  I just want to be able to help more when he says things like:
"I want a penis"
"I hate my life, I'm not a boy and no one ->-bleeped-<-ing gets it"
Things along those lines.

Sweetheart,

The way I see this, he freaked out about you leaving him for a girl, and then he leaves *you* for a straight girl. Some serious projection/insecurity on his part.

If a straight girl is interested in him, then I assume he's on hormones? Testosterone leads to a lot of anger in some people. But she's a "straight girl," not a "lesbian" or a "bi" girl. Sounds like he's looking everywhere for justification and acceptance as a man. "I date a straight girl," not "I date a girl who identifies as a lesbian."

In other words he sounds like a real ass at the moment, to me.

Unfortunately, there is nothing more unpleasant than a self-hating transsexual in early transition. I am so thankful that when I actually began transition for real while in a real relationship, I had already gone through transition in an online relationship years prior - so I was able to simply appreciate and accept the love and adoration from the girl I was with as I went from being a boyfriend to girlfriend.

Also, you might consider changing your username, dear - this person, though you may love him; no person can be your whole world. You are your own person, first, and a friend or lover to others second. You must respect yourself before you can respect others.

Quote from: youreamaninmyeyes on April 18, 2010, 08:39:40 PM
Yes, my name is Erin

Thank you Erin!

-Sandy

For a second, I thought you were my missus but then I realised she isn't a lesbian.

He is doing what I did. His going through insecurity business here. I wouldn't want a bisexual/lesbian "girlfriend", it only makes me feel like half a man so to feel like the whole thing. I would and most insecure tran guys would go for a girl that is straight or some would go around dating/mucking around girls to live up to that expectation of a bio guy so we could feel like one. It's complicated but I know where his coming from. He does seem to care about you alot but he doesn't want to be known to be with a lesbian. Guys like us prefer the straight/girly ones to comfort ourselves. All you can do is stand by him and let him know you'll stand by him no matter what.