Hello, I'm a man in his 40's, only recently having accepted the fact that I am
transgendered, specifically bigender. I grew up in a small mountain town in the Santa Cruz mountains of California but now live with my wife and children in another city. I have for years been plagued with doubts about my sexual identity due to compulsions and intrusive sexual imagery
of a homosexual nature, or so I thought that had me extremely depressed and at
risk for a nervous breakdown or suicide. Of course, I should have been able to
connect the dots, since I do have a degree in psychology, but my particular
belief system and upbringing ( I graduated with a degree in psychology from
a conservative Christian university!) caused me to only feel great shame and fear. I have had recurring dreams for years about being raped by men, and while this does not mean that I
believe homosexual men are more or less likely to rape or molest, the dreams in
and of themselves were very traumatizing as I was molested and beaten severely
as a child. For years I justified my somewhat "->-bleeped-<-ed up" tendency to have
uncontrollable images of being in a "catching position" sexually while engaging
in heterosexual activity as simply the result of my childhood trauma messing up
my attraction wiring like Dr. Drew is always talking about. But my gender
"confusion" started long before that as my earliest memories of conscious
thought invoved me wishing I could be a girl. I wished, prayed, longed for,
tucked, and desperately besought God or whatever powers that be in the universe
as I understood them then to let me "wake up a girl". Every night when I went to
bed I would do this mental imagery thing where I would fly up into the clouds
and come to this foggy riverbank with a boat and a fork in the river, one
direction leading to girl dreamland and one leading to boy dreamland. More often
than not I chose girl dreamland where my imaginary friend Cindy lived. I think
now that Cindy was a manifestation of my anima, or femme personality. Growing up
I was socially awkward, I played with dolls whenever I could manage it, LOVED
dollhouses, (Boulder Creek used to have a store that sold them and I could spend
hours looking at all the stuff!) but from about age 3 to age 12 while I did
experience crushes on girls I still felt very strongly that I was a girl. I was
of course not the most masculine kid growing up in a redneck town and was
consequently called ->-bleeped-<- and queer and homo on a daily basis so much so that I
was kinda all over the map with my sexual experimentation, but in the end, I am
not gay, and that was a source of my great distress. I have in the past engaged
in homosexual acts but I think that was because my feminine side did not know
how to manifest itself. I learned from junior high on to mimic the tough kids
and eventually adopted a bad ass persona which fit me like a suit of armor, but
I've always known I was playing a role there, only I played it so long that it
has become a part of me, second nature. Along the way I seem to have "split" my
personality in such a way as I fell in love with a beautiful woman I met in
college, got married and almost 19 years later we have 3 wonderful kids. I love
women. I love my penis. I have no desire to undergo TRS or whatever the hell its
called. On the other hand having realized that I am transgender, and more
specifically bigender, SHE as I call my en femme persona loves men, as a woman
and I have found to my great satisfaction that I can give her her time to
express herself in a virtual world, where she is the hottest little blonde you
will ever meet! OMG I love dressing her up so pretty, and I freaking LOVE
flirting with the men and *blushes* um well, anyway
. I am not "out" so this
is a big step for me, nor am I going to be "out" except to a few trusted people,
none of whom include my RL wife and children, as they would not understand and I
have no desire to disrupt my childrens lives or mine through the upheaval that
my coming out would cause. If some call that cowardice, ->-bleeped-<- it its my life and
they can go crusade in their own, but I am more than happy living out my life as
a woman in a virtual world where I feel free and pretty and true to that part of
myself.
Thats about me, now my question... Is there anyone here who can relate to the
bigender thing, feeling like I actually have and can express two personalities,
and sexual attraction in one not necessarilly matching sexual attraction in the
other? I have deliberately made my online persona hermaphrodite and although I
created a fictional backstory for her, given the anti transgender backlash
within the gaming comunity and internet in general where we are categorized as
"perverts" who "masquerade" as women, this hermaphriditic mentality is kind of
how I feel... When I am "en femme" she loves men, and sometimes women but mostly
men, and straight men at that , although some may be "->-bleeped-<-s" but any man sweet
enuf to accept me with a little she dick and still be kind and treat me like a
lady is all right by me. When I'm "en homme" I have a virtual wife and a real
life wife both of whom I love dearly, just in different ways. So my other
question is, are there any older transgendered men or I guess trans women might
be the correct term who have chosen to live out their female existance
completely mentally or within a virtual environment rather than coming out?
I thank you all for this wonderful forum, and welcome your responses...
