I just started seeing a therapist who specifies in sexual minorities (LGBT) with the hope of getting a letter allowing me to begin HRT. I'm terrified she will deem me "not ready" or "not transsexual enough" if I don't say what she thinks she needs to hear. So I've pretty much been bombarding her with the research I've done to try to prove that I know what I'm talking about and that I'm very sure about this.

I have a problem though. I kind of downplayed my previous mental history. I'm bipolar (she knows that, it's in the file) but for all she knows I'm quite stable. The problem is, I'm not. I saw a different therapist for about a year and a half; I stopped seeing her several months ago and she started seeing my parents for family counseling (awkward). Apparently my parents have been noticing my mood shifts a bit in the rare occasion I see them and mentioned it to her. She wants to see me, and she wants me to sign a release of information for my new therapist.

This could be very awkward. I don't want this to stand in the way of my beginning hormone treatment. I KNOW my bipolar is a problem but somehow I think HRT will help in the long run; I'll be less out of sorts, finally on the path to who I want to be. But my old therapist still refers to me by my female name, and female pronouns (and my new therapist does not). She never really took my "wanting to be a boy" seriously (hence why I stopped going). I'm afraid she's going to talk this counselor into her line of reasoning.

I just...don't want this ruined. I don't want to talk about my problems outside of my trans status with this new counselor. I specified very early on that I wanted to figure out how to come out to people and dive deeper into my transition until I can live as a guy full-time. I don't know how to convince people that my other mental issues should not stand in the way of this; even if I'm somewhat unstable now beginning HRT can't possibly make it worse. I only see it as making things better.

But what if I can't convince them of this? Has anyone else been in this situation?

You know, I stated my fears to my therapist and I had a letter less than 2 weeks later.  I was just honest and upfront.  Most decent gender therapists--like Kate's doesn't seem to be--will try and help you and will usually have a really good reason for delaying a letter.  If the bipolar really is a problem, they may have some suggestions to help.  You see, Gender Dysphoria is every bit as serious as bipolar or depression, except that it is much deadlier.  Gender therapists know this.  The idea is to treat this so that you can live.  Just be honest.  I understand your hesitation about being honest, but frankly the medical professionals have come a long way since 1970, where they were reluctant to give out anything.

Melissa

Quote from: Laine on October 21, 2006, 03:23:18 AM
I just started seeing a therapist who specifies in sexual minorities (LGBT) with the hope of getting a letter allowing me to begin HRT. I'm terrified she will deem me "not ready" or "not transsexual enough" if I don't say what she thinks she needs to hear. .....

But what if I can't convince them of this? Has anyone else been in this situation?

Be totally honest and up front.  Many of us have bipolar depression.  Depression almost always accompanies the frustrations we face.  Don't be afraid of being up front.  If you only tell her what you think she wants to hear, she'll see right through you.  Therapists are smart like that

Cindi

I have unipolar depression, AKA major depressive disorder, and OCD. Prior to my admission of my GID to my therapist, he thought I might have a personality disorder, due to the fact that I was so at odds with myself. Once I told him I was TS, it explained everything. He said that was probably at the root of my other problems, and I have found this to be the case, actually. I was initially on 3 medications for my depression and OCD, and am now down to 2, and happier than ever, because I am full-time now. The further I go in my transition, the happier I seem to be with myself and with everything else.

My point? We all have problems, as Cindi said. Many TSs have various mental "illnesses", but many of those are a result of the havoc transsexualism inevitably wreaks on our lives. It is not easy being TS. In fact, it's probably one of the toughest things anyone can deal with. But we deal with it, and we might have our scars to show off in the end, but we also become more than we might have thought. Shrinks understand that; at least the ones who specialize in gender issues do.

Rafe

Laine, I have a 23 year old daughter who is bipolar.  Her mother and I have gone through countless episodes with her, not to mention the years of trying to find out the source of her unhappiness.  When she finally was properly diagnosed she was prescribed a medication that worked and when she was taking it regularly she was happy and could live a pretty normal life (it there is such a thing).  But she hated being reliant upon drugs and decided she could stop taking them and be fine.  She lives 1000 miles away so we couldn't be there for her when the panic attacks hit.  And each time she went off medication it happened.  This has been going on for years and will probably continue for many more years because she refuses to admit she needs the meds.

How bipolar and FTM transitioning mix I have no idea.  But if you neglect to tell your therapist and especially your HRT doctor (that is if you are on bipolar meds) you are risking your life. 

I know whey you're young patience isn't often practiced.  There's this sense of desperation and immediacy that needs to be addressed.  I didn't start HRT until I was almost 54.  That's not to say you should wait that long, I'm just saying applying a little patience for the sake of giving yourself the best treatment is a lot better than going through years and years of turmoil because you couldn't wait to begin transitioning.  I saw my daughter go through hell many times over because she 'knew' what was right for her.  And I have yet to see any proof she has been right.  But she either keeps forgetting or can't see that a doctor who treats herself has a fool for a patient.

Look at the long term and imagine where you want to be.  Then take the best path to get there, not the shortest path.  The shortest path is often the hardest and most dangerous one.

Thanks for the advice. I think I will probably come up front with her at my next appointment; I'm hoping that I can also convince her of my true desire to transition by beginning to "out" myself to my family...wish me luck. I don't know how my family will react; most likely they'll just think it's some psychosis induced from my bipolar. 
Posted on: October 22, 2006, 12:32:47 AM

---

update, in case you're wondering: I came up front and I think that we really started to *bond* and this is going to work out. She started using phrases like "when you start HRT" which I find very promising.

Laine,  I'm proud of you son!  Of any advice that I may offer, this is the best:  Tell the truth about your feelings.  I wasted years fiddling around with holding back the truth of my transgendered self.  I don't advocate advertising it... just confront it honestly and openly when the time is right... or when you get caught!

Cindi

Laine,

It is important to be honest and upfront with anyone who is helping you. I also have bi-polar disorder (type I). I was concerned at first also that it may stop me from transitioning. The only drawback for me was that my Dr. only gave me half the dose for my first shot of "T" just to make sure there was no adverse reaction to it. No big deal-- although I was nervous about it.

FYI-- Keep track of your moods and thoughts, not because of transitioning, but for the safety of your mental health. I was diagnosed 3 seperate times as Bi-polar and with each one, the following Dr. said I wasn't. It was a merry-go-round of different meds, insanity & misery. I finally went to one who said it was clear that I WAS bi-polar, and got me on the right medication, it changed my life.

I've dealt with this so long now that I can tell when my meds need adjusted or I'm having a "break-through" with them just by my thoughts and physical symptoms. It is important to know yourself well in this area, I encourage you to get in touch with this part of yourself, and study it. It will save you years of misery. Good luck brother.

God Bless,
Scott