Even before I knew I was trans, I selectively attended to male socialization cues. When I was told that "boys should/shouldn't", I listened, and when I hearg "girls should/shouldn't," I ignored or did the opposite. My mother noticed this when I was three or four (she tried to handle it by telling me directly that I was a girl, which triggered my one and only "no I'm not" episode - never did that again). My stepdad noticed within a week of meeting me, and had several long conversations with my mother about it when they thought I couldn't hear.

And my now-husband noticed in the first weeks of dating me that (paraphrased) I "try too hard not to do anything that could be called girly, even if it's something I really want to do." This was when I was in the military, at the very height of my efforts to gender-conform, and I was dating him as a straight girl (so whatever female attractiveness signals I was able to produce were turned on full blast), and my adherence to masculine social conditioning was still that blatantly obvious.

Hmm a  fellow rebel.

I was encouraged to act more feminine for a while, but it just didn't happen.
People would tell me to sit/walk/talk more like a girl but I didn't know what that meant. The way I acted was all automatic for me and people telling me that it wasn't right was a bit of a head->-bleeped-<-.

My parents would try and get me into dresses or feminine clothing for special occasions, but for me, it wasn't an option. I couldn't even force myself to if I wanted to. It's like telling someone to go out dressed in a potato sack. I felt like everyone would stare and laugh and I just felt horrible.
Infact, I cannot think of a worse feeling.

Quote from: Ryan on May 05, 2010, 03:58:10 PM

My parents would try and get me into dresses or feminine clothing for special occasions, but for me, it wasn't an option. I couldn't even force myself to if I wanted to. It's like telling someone to go out dressed in a potato sack. I felt like everyone would stare and laugh and I just felt horrible.
Infact, I cannot think of a worse feeling.

Oh god, I know exactly what you mean, and it was infact after attending a birthday party that they finally noticed something was wrong because the next day at school I broke down. Also my mother had rufused to allow me to wear "boy clothes" when I lost weight in senior year of highschool. I mananged 1 one more year then broke down.

I actually didn't mind the clothing, as long as it was just for special occasions. I always loved sparkle and glitter and soft fabrics and shiny things. Proms/dances/weddings/etc were great excuses to be totally fabulous and fun

Trying to be feminine day-to-day does wear on me though. I'm terrible at it and everyone sees through the act. So I quit.

Quote from: kyril on May 05, 2010, 04:08:49 PM
I actually didn't mind the clothing, as long as it was just for special occasions. I always loved sparkle and glitter and soft fabrics and shiny things. Proms/dances/weddings/etc were great excuses to be totally fabulous and fun

Trying to be feminine day-to-day does wear on me though. I'm terrible at it and everyone sees through the act. So I quit.

Does this mean I can donate my prom dress? You can turn it into something tottaly rainbow fab!

I used to tell people that i would rather wear a bed sheet than a dress. They never got it.

XD. That also makes me think of togas.....-cough- anyway....

I refused to admit to myself that I was trans for the longest time so I literally drank everyday for two years (I'm only twenty) and slept with 21 men so no one would assume a thing. I dressed extremely feminine and pretended to be something I'm not my entire life. I had a daydream life and then my fake reality. I'm not doing this to learn male behavior but to finally live as myself.

Quote from: GothTranzboi on May 05, 2010, 04:10:59 PM
Does this mean I can donate my prom dress? You can turn it into something tottaly rainbow fab!

LOL! I still have my own...I was thinking of wearing it to Pride 

OMG...I want pictures -Gimmie-

What is this prom thing? Never went , never had a real choice in it.

Quote from: LordKAT on May 05, 2010, 04:22:10 PM
What is this prom thing? Never went , never had a real choice in it.

Me neither. Assumed I would have been slaughtered for wearing a suit.
It's just dancing in fancy dresses and ->-bleeped-<- really. Like a school dance but more sophisticated or something.

Quote from: LordKAT on May 05, 2010, 04:22:10 PM
What is this prom thing? Never went , never had a real choice in it.

Its a high school dance...girls wear fancy expensive dresses. Its the epitome of heteronormative rites of passage. I was not allowed to wear the suit I wanted, so I retaliated by going with my gay best friend. I still have pic somewhere. My mom wanted me to be "normal" so badly she paid through the nose for my dess, which was like 250 dollars...I have pic somewhere...-gag-

I went to my junior prom.  In a dress.  I felt terribly uncomfortable in it and I kept stepping on the edge, almost falling over in my heels, etc.  I always wanted to wear a suit to a formal gathering, but I never really understood why...  The dance was Ok, I went with a friend and it was kinda fun I guess, but I didn't go my senior year. 

Actually, there was a girl there in a suit, who always refused to wear dresses and instead wore men's clothes all the time...  She was actually mistaken for a boy by nearly everyone.  Did I totally miss something there?   I think perhaps I should get back in touch with her...

thats funny I found out that one of my Best highschool friends is FTM and another came out to a small group of us as MTF junior year. Last month I found out a third friend is a CD. I wonder if thats why we were all friends...we just kinda knew?

Yeah, we had a couple of lesbians who went in suits, but I, being oblivious, thought I was disqualified from that by virtue of not being into girls (same reason I wouldn't come out as trans at the time, being gay made it impossible to even take myself seriously). It didn't help (or maybe it did?) that we also had several out gay guys who went to prom in drag.

I really didn't mind the dresses though except that I was always very awkward in them.

Also, 11 of the 14 people who were my closest friends throughout high school came out as gay my senior year. Of those, there's at least one other FTM. No MTFs though.

facinating....odd how we all sort of gravitate no?

I hate having others in the bathroom when I'm trying to take a pee.  And having someone talking to me then really grates my nerves.  The whole being girly thing feels like an act.  I love belching contests, I don't understand why the females around me get mad when I do that. 

I'm sure I have some female conditioning...when you've hid from yourself and tried so hard to fit in...for three decades...I feel like I'm rediscovering myself now.  I do still do girly stuff like sewing and beadwork.  I like fashion, but I don't feel comfortable wearing a lot of the ladies clothes and that uncomfortableness is getting much worse lately.  As a kid, I usually hung out with the guys, playing Voltron, Thundercats, cars, and baseball.

In church, I was always put with the girls group and it was sooo boring.  I wanted to go camping and hiking like the boys did but none of the girls wanted to do that.  Then we had a class there on being a lady (the coursework seemed heavily influenced by the 50s).  I hated it.  Then I got really upset one night when the teacher told me to pay attention to the fashion tips she was reading because I had big boobs.  I covered my chest with my arms and almost shouted at her I do not.  The girls in the class thought I was weird.

Sorry to ramble...this is longer than I meant for it to be.

Haha.  Most of my friends are gay, too.  It is kinda funny.  I tried to be a lesbian for a year or so in college.  Didn't work.  I just wasn't all that attracted to girls.  Now I'm pretty asexual, although I can appreciate hotness in either gender.  I'm romantical attracted to guys, though.  I just don't like that I feel so feminine when I'm with a guy.

As for the behaviors, growing up I was of course told I wasn't lady like, but my parents didn't really push it.  They wanted a boy from the beginning and ended up with four girls, so they dressed all of us like little tomboys and my father pretty much treated us like we were boys (my mother's kicking herself for that now that she thinks I'm "a dyke" [her words], no matter how much I explain I like men).  I can only remember a few instances of my mother trying to make me act more like a girl.  She pretty much just excepted I was a tomboy. 

Other people only pointed it out every so often.  One of the most popular boys in school was actually disappointed when I started wearing girl clothes in 8th grade (went back to boy shirts in 9th, though I kept the girl jeans) because even though I wasn't popular at all, he still thought of me as the cool girl who played basketball and snowboarded.  In high school I was just a JROTC girl, most of whom were seen as "manly" anyway.  People pointed out a lot that I never showed emotion an kept a cool head through anything and at Sea Cadet boot camp the other girls relied on me to keep everything cool and comfort them because I was the only girl who didn't cry once during boot camp.  I was just a strong, solid presence, which I didn't think of as male at the time, but now I do.  And I wore a dress to prom, although everyone and his mother (including all my teachers that were chaperoning) made a huge deal about how weird that was.

Then when I went through my denial stage in college I forced myself to adopt a lot of really female traits (going mostly off what trans websites were telling ftms NOT to do) and now I'm having to unlearn.  For instance, I started purposely standing with my legs close together with my weight unevenly distributed and now it feels weird for me to stand like a man, even though I did for most of my life.  I also have to force myself to take up more room and for some reason during my denial stage I got into habit of yelling "yay!" like a girl whenever something mildly good happened...  It's something I NEVER would have done before trying to be more like a girl, but for some reason I'm now having trouble breaking the habit...