Do any of you feel this way?  I spend so much time being careful, leading a front to my life, almost like leading two lives really.  Being careful what i leave laying around or who might see what I'm buying in the small town i live in? hmmm why would that guy be buying pantyhose? Gee  wonder for his girlfriend maybe? hehe...
My family has me sort of against a wall, not wanting any publicity and with neices and nephews i certainly do not wanna make their lives disrupted or bad with my issues?
I do however as i've gotten older feel the urge more to hide less or guard it as closely and simply say ya well I'm transgendered!
My mother in her infinite wisdom says "why do you need to tell people"...
hmmm there's an ackward statement? 
I suppose if I was chrles manson i would not advertsie that i was a serial killer but being transgendered the whole rotuine about covering it up gets old sometimes!
But the other side of things is that people are mean, they do mean things, and a lot of times especially given my work / career that would be a weakness that people would quickly expose to ruin me Sad..... But true!
Towns like to talk and the gossip would be out there as well i suppose?
do any of you guys feel this way, I know in a lot of instances it is much more prudent to say nothng / offer nothing... less is more until you know someone or think they can handle it!  Even a friend at work i confided in said quickly Rich do not tell anyone, not anyone else here she said i mean it cause there are soo many gossippers and back stabbers you'd be ruined!  don;t i know the back stabing thing now!
like Melissa had a good experience with a co-worker telling her but i think more bad experiences happen! 
Anyone just feel like this some days where you wanna stand on the edge of the platform in center of town and say "OKAY I AM TS AND I DO NOT GIVE A CRAP WHAT YOU THINK THIS IS ME"

I feel that way all the time!

I finally got tired of the fear and the lying that I had to do to maintain my disguise.  I got to the point where I really DID NOT care what people thought of me.  Right now my frustration is that my wife still does and I'm staying in the closet for awhile longer until she can get used to the idea or leave.  So I'm not out in my town or at work even though I'm taking hormones and go out dressed the way I like when I travel to other places that are not so nearby.

Everyone is ready at different times in their lives, some people wait until they are in their 60's or later to transition.  I didn't get to the breaking point until just before my 50th birthday.  Their lives and family situations were such that they couldn't bring themselves to do it before then but they eventually did.

So, yeah, I know your frustration.  Intimately.  Eventually I suspect it will be so great that you will truly not care anymore about anything or anyone and that's when the final decision will be made.  Suicide will not be the decision because you won't care what others think of you or what others will think of your family or what your family thinks of you.  If you ever get to that point, then you will transition.

Good luck until then, I know what you are going through.

Hugs & Smiles,
helen

There are times I just want to let loose with "I'm a GUY and I may be a small one, but it won't stop me from getting a bat and clobbering you with it!"  But my better judgment always wins. 

Joseph

 Ricki;

  I can relate with the small town stuff. That's why I'm taking my time. I'm still learning so much here I don't want to jump too fast and risk a catastrophy. It does get frustrating though. I have a good friend that is a lesbian and the fine upstanding church folk ran her out of town. The ringleader of their lies, slander and hate were her very own parents.
  Helen; I too am taking time coming out but am blessed with an understanding wife. The question is; would she remain understanding if or when I transitioned?
  I guess it's all just a case of "time will tell."
  In the meanwhile; I wish you all the best.
  Tifany

Thanks for replies.. It helps.  Maybe I pressure myself too much ?
I just turned 38 two days ago, Yikes!  So i am not old by any standard I keep forgetting does the government call me generation x or Y - i'm not a baby boomer i know that! hehe..
I may have time (that's all i really have) left in the years ahead to cross bridges and face things as they come?  or maybe one day i might wake up and say TRANSITION....  mentally I've been on that journey for some years now!
Thanks
R

Quote from: Ricki on October 20, 2006, 07:59:54 PM
My mother in her infinite wisdom says "why do you need to tell people"...
hmmm there's an ackward statement? 
I suppose if I was chrles manson i would not advertsie that i was a serial killer but being transgendered the whole rotuine about covering it up gets old sometimes!

I've used an analogy like this before and looking back I have to say it's pretty sad I was conditioned by society to think this badly about being TS.  I wouldn't hurt a flea (literally) and that I could ever compare myself to a mass murderer... well, it just goes to show you how well society brainwashed me.  But no more!

Ricki, we need to let others know because we need to be out in public presenting ourselves as we truly are.  I don't want to live a lie.  I want others to know me for who I am.  Is not wanting to be deceptive so bad?  My opinion is when we are asked to keep this under wraps it's not for our benefit but rather for the benefit of those who wish to remain prejudiced and ignorant.  They don't want to know because their own ignorance makes them afraid. 

Well, I was put in their lives to make them take their head out of the sand and that's what I've been doing, like it or not!

Quote from: Ricki on October 20, 2006, 07:59:54 PM
I suppose if I was chrles manson i would not advertsie that i was a serial killer but being transgendered the whole rotuine about covering it up gets old sometimes!

LOL
I know what you mean. When someone calls me a dyke or worse, asks if I'm pregnant, I want to scream, "How dare you, I'm a man <expletive, expletive>!"
Ahh, yeah, it hurts.

I felt that way a lot before transition.  At times I still feel this way, because when I don't tell people, I feel like I have to be guarded about myself and make sure I do everything perfectly.  At least at work I can be more relaxed about who I am.

Melissa

Ricki,

I have reached the point where I don't care what people think...  At least as long as my family & students are not around.

When I go shopping, I go to a location where there is a low probability that friends, family or students will see me.  And then I simply don't care.  I am finding that many shops realize that our money is just as green as the next person's.

SInce my kids don't know about me yet, I try and be careful for their sake.  The separation is already causing their grades to slide.  Trying to deal with dad wearing a skirt is simply too much to deal with during the school year.

Regarding my students, I am not out in my high school yet.  I would transition at the start of a school year to reduce some confusion.  I am already starting to get a few curious looks from my students, especially the girls.  Being spotted bying stockings or powder could be a challenge to explain, and it wouldn't work anyway.

Chaunte

Oh my gosh Ricki. I know the feeling. Especially when I get angree with my parents. They are so conservative and would have a heart attack. Every time I have to bite my tongue. When they make me mad I just want to be like "I am transgendered! I'm not your little girl, I am your son." Maybe one day I will get the courage to do it!

Thanks all for the replies every little bit helps,,,, some day?

i know exactly what you mean im in a similar situation myself. ive only recently decided that i want to go through with transitioning and seeing a therapist. i live in a town where it takes all of a few hours for gossip to get around so transitioning while im here doesnt seem to be in my best interests. ive only come out to my mom and a few friends but most people dont know yet. every day i wish i could tell everyone and just get it out. im still scared to tell the rest of my family because im almost certain that they wont accept it.

And..... they probably mostly will not accept it or deal with it seems the percentage of acceptance with family and friends is a low percentage number? 
such a shame! Worse than the ts talk the mumblings around town went on for two years after my suicide attempt...
Jack-?!@es!  anyway time prevailed on a lot of it and gradually things moved forward

Quote from: Ricki on October 20, 2006, 07:59:54 PM
Anyone just feel like this some days where you wanna stand on the edge of the platform in center of town and say "OKAY I AM TS AND I DO NOT GIVE A CRAP WHAT YOU THINK THIS IS ME"

LOL, more and more every day. I'm tired of hiding and feeling like I *should* be ashamed of this.

Surprisingly, I keep getting conflicting advice about this though. On the one hand, I want to TELL some people - friends, coworkers I'm close with - and yet most of my TS friends advise, "don't do it, it may cause trouble, don't do it until you're full time."

I'm not wearing skirts or anything, but anyone who sees me HAS to know *something* is going on at this point. It just seems it'd be a relief to stop hiding, feeling ashamed, and apologizing for who I am. I sometimes wonder if it'd just be easier if everyone KNEW why I haven't cut my hair in ten months, have nearly no beard now, etc. - rather than leave them wondering.

PLUS, it'd be nice to begin "testing the waters" a bit. Some have suggested that I let society decide when to "come out," that is, wait until people hopefully start "maam'ing" me. But you know, I am who I am regardless - and this secret just gets heavier to carry as the days go by now.

I wish you luck, guess for the more obvious reasons our friends are right about I'm afraid?  then again for an outward appearnce that is non transitioning i honestly do not know what exact impact that would have on the outter people in my circle?  Would they say well he dresses as a male and sys he's a woman? maybe he dresses up at home?  then would they misinterpret and think i am a ->-bleeped-<-?
All soo confusing and everyones take on it is soo different!
Thanks
R