Hi Susan
I too have had a lifetime wish to be female- socially and sexually. It started at age three with parading around in my mother's shoes (high heels) which I felt I could get away with, but even then I understood that my wish to dress in dresses as a little girl would not fly with my Mom- especially with my baby sister now on the scene.
Later as an adult I always had a need to fantasize that I was a female making love to a female. That is, and was, what has been erotic for me. Only on a few occasions was I able to generate sexual excitement fantasizing that I was a dominant male. Ninety nine point nine percent of my sexual drive was in female form with my female partner being the dominant partner both in initiating sex and keeping me as a femme lover. I never told that to my partners of course. My inner "girl-to-girl" excitement never failed to also excite my partners nevertheless as it was so powerful a sexual feeling/force. Some of them suspected that I was "different from other men they had experienced. They never quite discerned how.
Ultimately, I wanted to socialize as a female, dress as a female, and gradually the idea of being female took hold, despite my handsome athletic appearance . I always felt that I was doing an impersonation as a male -and that the real "me" was female. In one sense I felt that I was a girl inside, yet didn't feel a strong need to change into one via GRS. I just knew or felt that I couldn't "make the cut" so to speak. I looked too male and thus never seriously considered GRS although I did feel myself to be female inside. I loved children and was fiercely protective of them even though it cost me supervisory positions in my job in education. I stuck up for them against authority and thus was seen as someone unsuitable for supervisory or administrative position despite being licensed for those positions. I was seen as politically naive though I saw it as their lack of caring and concern for children- the latter being the reason I got into education. I saw it as my maternal protective side. I had a son and to this day he is closer emotionally to me then to his mother given that fact that I was the mothering person in his childhood though in male form (i.e, athletics etc)
I did start to transition around age 70 given a strong clinical depression- around the gender dysphoric feelings and their ramifications for me socially and relationally. Living a lie is always tough over time. It takes much psychic energy and is depleting. However, after two years on hormones I stopped transition knowing that I would be even more isolated and not be able to attract female who were always my best friends. Being with men socially never felt right though I did the male thing via superbowl parties - ball games with son, etc. My friends were always female but in the context of a male-female relationship. That is still true though I am sexually unable to function given two years on female hormones (i.e., estradiol)
My point is that the concept of autogynephelia is in my case not totally accurate and in no way a counter argument to my own ->-bleeped-<-. My feelings of wanting to be female predated by many years my later develped eroticism in response to femininity and female clothing. I never considered myself truly a crossdresser or fetishist despite the strong sexual responses to dressing and to the articles of clothing themselves because I just felt that it was my male side and strong testosteronic surges that were dictating those moments. When one has a male chemistry but female spirituality then one is truly under the inflence of both and they will interact. Thus Blanchard and Baily are both incorrect in their assertions as regard both the androphilic and autogynephilic theories.
In the former, Blanchard asserts that androphile transsexuals are "homosexual" given their preference for males. That alone shows his naivte. A MTF transsexual's preference for males is a true expression of her femininity and it is through that feminine spirit -not her male side-that she has that preference. That the so-called autogynephilic TS or TG does not prefer men is just a function of the male chemistry producing an orientation for females- not a reason to suggest that the TG person is any less TG than anyone else. That is my take on Blanchard's theories
I seek friendships now with other Transgendered male-to-females like myself. I am unmarried and live alone though I have two consistent female companions whom I see weekends. If I had transitioned, or even remained as a non-op woman, I wouldn't have them as companions and know I would be alone.
I hope this has been elucidating and added something to the knowledge collection.
Mandee, (Ph.D)
