Hello everyone,

Not sure how many of 'me' there are here, but I am a spouse. Allow me to summarize my story:

I married my soulmate several years ago aware of the fact that he was a crossdresser. He told me well before we were married, but well past the point at which our relationship was serious (we were living together). For the most part, it was not a big issue. There was tension over it at times, but there were also many fun moments because of it.

Since marrying, he has slowly pulled back from the label of crossdresser and is now identifying himself as transgendered. Before we were married, he quite insistently assured me that he had no desire to become a woman, and would never even considered SRS as a possibility. At the time I knew that he wasn't as certain as he claimed to be, and actually in his case, that kind of display generally means he is actually struggling with the promise that he is trying to make.

Fast forward to now. We are in love. We have a lot of troubled times. We share everything, and I believe have a bright future together. However, he did take me by the face, look into my eyes and declare that he could no longer keep his promise that SRS is not in his future. What I think this means is that he has already made his decision and I'm sure making plans to do so. For me, he assures me that he wants to stay married, stick together and weather the transition together.

I realize that no one can answer the questions in my mind, but I have no one to talk to. No one in either of our families know, I've never talked about it with any of my friends, we even saw a therapist for years without ever once bringing up the topic.

I hope that here I can get an idea of what to really expect, know if I can hope for a future with him, and know if it's fair to expect him to drag me along.

Thanks for listening,
wife4ever

Hi Wife4ever,

Welcome to Susan's...

....and thank you for being brave enough to come here for help, your husband is very lucky to have such an understanding wife.

Just for the record, you will find a lot of relevant resources if you look at our "Significant Other" sections, sometimes shortened to "SO". 

It is quite common for us to reject our feelings and try for many years to live a "normal" life as our birth gender. When we enter into marriage most of us will have done so with all our heart and faith, with little idea of how our feelings will change with time. I often think we make good partners, because we have the ability to understand and empathise, and can offer a friendship that many couples never see until much later in life.

However, once the realisation that we are actually TS dawns, it is usually as surprising to us as it is to our partners even though it may seem that we have been hiding our feelings.

I won't go into more detail now, but clearly the road ahead will be difficult for both of you.. BUT there are some couples that have made it to the other side, and have found it deeply rewarding.

*Hugs*

Chrissty

Hi Wife4ever,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4600 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another SO.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  

Many families stay together after SRS.  It really depends on how strong the bond is between each other.  That said many do not survive, but separate as friends.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Hello,
We have something in comon. My wife of 4 years is transitioning from female to an androgenous gender via hormones. But Our similarities only go so far. I am also a transsexual myself. When I married my wife we both knew that eachother had gender dysphoria. We did not think transition would ever be in our future and I even made a number of promises to my wife along the way. Of course I crumbled and now I am transition and I am very happy. My transition has triggered my wifes dysphoria so s/he started transition a few months afyter me. So far we are 6 months into transition and a very strong loving couple. We do have our moments like any other couple but we are completely in love.
Anyways my mate Sevan is writing a response also.
We both are going through the spouse of a transsexual issues. I had imagined that we would be immune to that trouble due to us being both trans but alas no.
You hersband is pretty much now a woman, it might be hard to adjust but I believe if you are in love it will be well worth the effort.
Stick around and read some of the resourses they are helpful. Talk to the people here. Hit our chat room.
Hugz
Cynthia Lee

Well hello you dear dear soul.

I am the wife of a MtF transsexual as well. (let me also be open and authentic and say that I also identify on this rainbow spectrum...but I'm accutly able to seperate the "spouse" feelings and process from my own "trans experience")

My (now) wife came out as a "fetishist" as well when we were just starting our relationship. I have to admit..I wasn't sure how I was going to handle such a thing...but that proved fun and fine. I had an incling it was more than that but wanted to take my mate at her word.

Over time She came out as trans and made a number of promises which I really felt in my heart she could never keep. As time went on I went through my own process (though I'm gonna leave that bit out...in an effort to not write pages and pages, and also to bring to the table what you might relate to) It's not been easy. THere's been a "death-esque" process...grief, anger, pain, frustration and acceptance. There's been good times, love, laughter, sharing of milestones and getting to know a whole new side to my mate. A deepening of our love, if I dare say so.

If I can impart one thing...try to release the need for expectations. I KNOW how hard that is..I really reall do. I wanted an exact time line, with exactly what to expect and when...but that's not how transition works. Hold onto your mates inner essense because that's not likely to go anywhere. I wrote letter's to Cyndi so that I could be honest and say things I didn't want to say to her face/couldn't say to her face. There was a time when we communicated through emails almost exclusivley. That may not work for everyone but it allowed us both to be fully honest about where we were both at, and what we were both going through. It's a transition for you too dear! Be genle with yourself. Please feel free to PM me (after 15 posts) if ever you'd like. *huge hugs*

I'd like to join in the chorus of voices welcoming you, and thank you for being open-minded enough to come to Susan's for advice.

We do have a Significant Others section, and I'd also encourage you to read people's stories, talk, and learn a bit more about who trans people are and what our lives are like.

This can be a very trying this for spouses, coming as it does from far outside of most people's frames of reference. I have no spouse, and am unlikely to have anything of the sort for quite some time - but the support I get from my family, as a trans person and as a depression sufferer, has made an enormous difference for me. I think it's fair to say that my family have saved my life with their support. At the same time, this is more than just an emotional issue for your spouse - it's an emotional issue for you as well. I hope that being here will help you deal with that.

Welcome!

Thank you for the nice welcome! I appreciate your initial advice and that you are all so willing to share your stories with me. I am familiarizing myself with the site and trying to put together the thoughts and questions that I would like to discuss.

I just read a fantastic article about "The Challenge of Transition to a Wife" from the SO section. I think I may have come to the right place

Hugs

Welcome to Susan's Wife4Ever,

I am glad to hear that you are keeping an open mind and willing to take a serious look at what your spouse is looking forward to, but also what you likely will also face (assuming that you are willing to try to make this work). I am ill equipped to offer any advice on transitioning with/as a spouse, since I have never found myself lucky enough to have someone love me. I truly wish you both much happiness and long years together exploring this new phase of your relationship together.

You are, indeed in a wonderfully supportive place that should offer both of you many answers. Though I would also suggest that you seek out a qualified therapist who is well versed in transgender issues. They should be able to help lead you both through the inevitable hardships and rejoice in the mounting platitudes of happiness.


Deanna

Hi I am coming from pretty much the same situation, as the one transitioning, though we aren't married. We both still love each other very much, but there has no doubt been something irretrievably lost in this process. That's not to say we aren't in agreement that this was the best thing for me, and she told me she would not want me as the old person anymore, who was miserable most of the time. But the truth for both of you comes down to the question: Can you be in a serious committed relationship with another woman? If your spouse isn't on hormone treatments yet, there are physical changes that make it difficult to continue sexual relations as man and woman. And that's not even considering the unpleasant psychological aspects of trying to perform as a man when you're really not a man. It can be devastating, and for me was one of the first things that changed.

I don't want to discourage you, and I do hope for both of you that you can stay together. But you have to be aware that a lot of things will change, and be ready to deal with those changes. I'm still with my partner, but neither of us can be lesbian and that will lead where it leads. In any case we have remained best friends, each others family, and that hasn't changed at all. Best of luck to you both.

Hello!

Welcome to Susan's Place  I've found the people here to be wonderful, and I hope you'll soon feel like you have a supportive community here.

I'm also the SO of an mtf transsexual, though we are much younger and I knew about this before we started a relationship.

You sound like an amazing wife, I'm sure your spouse is grateful for you continuous love and support.

Best wishes! 

I'm new here and frankly only interesting in CDing.  I have a supportive wife and know I am far better off with her support than without.

From my experiences I know that we lie to ourselves esepcially when we are younger hand haven't worked through things.  When we do sort things out it may feel like we lied to you too, but we told the truth as we knew it then (as we beleived it then too).

You seemed to sense that not all was aligned and you were right.  Now its time for the two of you to sort out how your future together or apart shapes up.  Someone mentioned a counselor and that is a great idea.  You don't have to decide today and even if your spouse goes through SRS there's quite some time before the surgery actually happens and lots of counseling for her to go through. 

Times will be tough and you both have to be true to who you are.  There are lots of folks here with many experiences you can learn from.  Good luck!