I'm looking for feedback on the following essay I've been working on. The intention is to explain the "closet" experience for a transsexual to those who are not TG. I suspect this is probably more applicable to those in my same age range (40ish) than those who are younger, but who knows? Any constructive thoughts are welcome.

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Life for a Transsexual in the Closet

When transsexuals come out to their friends and family one of the most daunting tasks is explaining why they're doing it. Why can't they just hold it inside a bit longer to make sure they're not making a mistake? Why aren't they dissuaded by the negative effect it's likely to have on the loved ones around them? Why not wait to see if counseling or medication can make the desire go away?

The questions miss what drives the decision to transition. People asking these kind of questions don't comprehend life from a closeted transsexual's perspective. This is an attempt to explain how transsexuals see life while "in the closet."

The thing to understand about the life of a closeted transsexual is that they are endlessly putting on a show. Every day, every interaction, every time they even think they might be observed, a closeted transsexual is studying the situation hard, grasping for clues regarding what kind of behavior is expected of them in a nerve-wracking struggle to fit in. They're not doing this because they want to. They're doing it because, as their experience has shown, their natural inclinations for how to act are wrong for someone of their perceived gender; sometimes subtly wrong, sometimes glaringly wrong. When these "wrong" things come out sometimes it simply means an awkward silence... sometimes it means mockery and humiliation. It feels random and unguessable and leads to a deeply ingrained sense that they must never be their self around other people. And so their life, to the extent anyone else can witness it, is an endless and tiring acting job.

But living your life as an act has serious consequences, which only get more severe with time.

The first consequence is isolation. Because the act never stops, there is always some distance kept between the transsexual and everyone else in their lives. Parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends... none ever get to know the real person behind the act. Not truly. If anyone gets too close they might see behind the curtain... they might see that inner nature, which is the stuff of awkward silences, stares, and mockery. That thought is inconceivable to the transsexual, and so they pull away from emotionally intimate relationships in ways sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious. This leaves them intensely lonely, no matter how many friends and relationships they might appear to have. To the transsexual, all those relationships belong to the character they play... not to their real self.

Which brings us to the second consequence, indirectly implied above - self-loathing. No one hides so deeply in a closet because they desire it. They hide because they fear being found out. Some think of it in terms of hiding their "secret." But it's quite a bit larger than that. What they're hiding is their true self - their real personality; their honest opinions and thoughts; their very sense of who they are. But the act of hiding only deepens the sense that their true self is hateful, loathsome, and terribly unworthy. Better to let others be fooled by the act, lest they glimpse this shameful truth. This tends to be something not thought about in rational terms while in the closet. Rather it's a gut-level sense of guilt that never goes away and which the transsexual can't bear to scrutinize logically.

Over time these items are about as self-destructive upon mental and emotional health as one can imagine. Every success is tinged with a sense they didn't deserve it and wouldn't have achieved it if people really knew who they were. Every social event is a new sub-plot in an ongoing and ever-more wearisome act. The closeness they observe in others around them is like salt in an open wound they cannot ever mention. Over time they develop hobbies they despise and feign disgust at things they love because their decisions about such things are driven by a desire to seem "normal" to others while avoiding "slipping up" by getting too honest about their self.

Eventually, as one might guess, this becomes too great a burden. This drives many to severe substance abuse, depression, and eventually suicide. The rate of all of these things is shockingly high among the transsexual population, and that's only counting those who have come forward and finally admitted their transsexualism. It's impossible to tell how many are driven to this in silence without ever telling another soul about their secret transgender-fueled demons.

It's very hard for someone who has lived with this stuff their whole lives to explain it easily to those who have not. To others the coming out part seems like a bizarre act, and a selfish one at that. But to a transsexual it's the first time they've ever actually stopped acting and finally expressed their self honestly. No matter how it looks, it doesn't feel the least bit selfish. And the notion of going back to pretending they are the person they portrayed while in the closet seems nonsensical. The whole purpose of that act was to avoid revealing the same truth they're openly admitting by coming out.

When a transsexual has reached the point that they are willing to come out it is only after a long and increasingly desperate struggle to overcome a lifetime of isolation, self-loathing, and deception. It's not an easy step. Many people kill themselves rather than ever take it. If you truly care about such a person the worst possible thing you can do at that point is to try to push them back into their closet by suggesting they wait, or hold it in for others sake. All that does is validate the notion that people would despise their true self if they ever dared to reveal it. That's not some transient fear to a transsexual, it's a debilitating phobia they've struggled with all their lives.

Hopefully this helps to explain a bit more about life in the closet from a transsexual perspective, and makes the coming out aspect more understandable to those in their lives.

Too close to home.
The anger, depression, loneliness and feeling like scum that didn't make it is described so well that it brings much of it to the surface for me.

I think the only thing missing from a personal POV is the not being allowed to be. Not allowed to sing or laugh or dance or run and play like anyone else. The act takes too much energy to figure out how to fit in much less fit into it faking happiness.

Diana,
Very well written and articulate article. I agree with LK... It hits close to home. Thank you for sharing.
~Jas

I think this describes a personal experience but as the others have said parts of it hit close to home. In the sense that LordKAT mentioned about the act itself taking too much energy to fake happiness, there were certain aspects that I just could never fake. So while I was good at hiding a lot of things, there were others that I didn't or that I refused to, which meant for all my faking I still wasn't very good at it. That applied to a lot of my likes and dislikes, as well as having odd hobbies (collecting dolls and toy china tea sets? What guy does that??) even to speech patterns and mannerisms, and innocuous things like the fact I've had long hair since high school. Most people just assumed I was gay, but for some reason even that was better than exposing the truth. I think that is indicative of the great stigma that our society still places on being transsexual.

Good essay Diana 

Reading this was like reading a summary of my life story. so much resonates.  the isolation, self loathing, relationships in others and so much more. I will be copying this to my hard-drive because its a very good piece of work and definately worth the time to read for any friend or family member I tell.

Bingo.

You've given me much to think about with this piece. Because most of it hits home. I've suffered through most of what you've described over my years, but never had a name for it. I recently discovered that i'm an adrogyne, but maybe it cuts deeper than that. The feelings you describe of having to act and "if people only knew" are an exact description of how i've lived.

Way to scary.  It hit home with me too.  Especially the pulling away and the self-loathing.  I think a lot of my problems with feeling that I am cursed ( failing time and again to have a good life ) is very much the fact that I struggle even now to be ME.

And it is all because of IT.  So in a sense I am still partly 'in the closet', because on my mental image of my body.

Thanks for sharing, Diana.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm happy to know I'm not solely speaking for myself about this topic, even though it's impossible to speak for absolutely everyone's experience. I'm increasingly learning I'm not as alone as I used to believe, and I think that's important for others to learn also.

What to do with this kind of information in order to explain the TS condition to the masses... that's the next big bridge to cross. And I'm sure I'm not the only one hoping to cross it.

Wow! Oh wow!  I agree, way too close to home.  I still feel that way quite a bit even though I've decided to transition.  The fear and trepidation is there at each step.  Diana, your essay is very well written and would be helpful to many who try to understand but can't quite grasp it.



Would you mind if I shared this with others?

Would you mind if I copied this and showed it to my friends?

Use it however you'd like, Shawna and Cynthia. If it helps you in some way, by all means copy and use it. That's what I intended for it when I wrote it.

I showed this to some of my friends and one of them wrote an addendum that I thought was very good. So I am being so bold as to post it here.

By Jill S.

QuoteI hope that whoever wrote this has found a certain peace within themselves through this confessional. I cannot fully relate to what this person has experienced, but do feel qualified to add to this.

It is not a whole lot different living outside of the closet either. There is still a sense that one must still 'act' their part, if for no other ... See morereason than the intense scrutiny that they are still subjected to by people around them.

In public, a non closeted T still must observe and be a chameleon of sorts. Their very safety depends upon assessing every situation to ensure that they are not in danger, not just emotionally, but physically. At all times, it is a life and existence that is guarded. Sadly the issue of substance abuse and suicide is still prevalent for many non closeted transsexuals.

In sorts, many T's trade a solid closet for a closet made of glass, if you will. But it is still a closet none the less. There is very little that diminishes the sense of isolation and aloneness that a transsexual feels throughout their lifetime. In paragraph 3 it describes what life is like being closeted. It does not change much after coming out and living ones life in there true gender. The constant awareness of their own body language, their movements, speech, appearance, acceptance permeates their thoughts and in effect their lives.

I cannot fathom anyone ever "choosing" the life of a transsexual. If only the people could understand that transitioning is akin to things that are primary for human life, such as breathing, eating et. Some may feel that that last statement is too dramatic, that one could physically live without transitioning. I can only offer that perhaps they could 'walk a mile' in a transsexuals shoes...

To live life as a transsexual is a life that leaves you weary. The "performance" never ceases. There is no time when the curtains close. As for intimate relationships, they are few. It is a life of solitude for the most part. True acceptance is rarely granted, even amongst like individuals. Men fear you, women scorn you and well other transsexuals compare themselves to you. Life for a transsexual is life under a microscope, their own and others.

In summery, when I have been sought out for my advice on living as a transsexual, I can only share one truly important item of experience. It is imperative that one must focus on what is absolutely the most critical thing that will help ensure their very own survival.

First and foremost: Accept yourself. Even if no one else in the world does.
Second: Forgive yourself. Release all of the self loathing that you have accumulated from your life experiences. The hatred for not being born physically of your true sex. The rejection you have suffered at your own hands and the hands of those who have been in your life. Release it, or it will continue to destroy you.
Third: Assess your life. Be humble in your expectations of what life should be. Be honest with yourself.
Fourth: Believe in yourself. Know that you are taking the correct actions to nurture yourself. No one else in the world will do this for you, you must do it for yourself.
Fifth: This is probably the most important thing, Love yourself. Love all aspects of who you are. Love all the experiences that have brought you to where you are at in your life, for they have help shape and define who you are as a human, a spirit, a person. If you can, find gratitude for all of your life experiences. If for no other reason, the darkness will help you appreciate the light.

To live life as a transsexual, know that you are courageous! You are self actualized and self nurturing. You are honest! It takes tremendous strength to be true to yourself and who you truly are. Many will view us as "degenerates' and "abominations". It is very sad that they are missing out on knowing who were really are. We are human beings that are loyal, caring, loving, strong and above all else honest and courageous individuals. In my mind, isn't that what we all supposedly are striving/confessing to be? Without apology I say that we walk our talk. For that, I am proud.

Sorry to be repeating everyone else, but excellent and very close to home.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting it to be so. But it does indicate that most of us have a common experience.

If I may, can I add that, for those of us who have spent their entire lifetimes avoiding their reality, the problems become engrained. Stratagies are developed to deal with the anger. Punching air, getting angray at imaginary people, often in the bathroom. Different ways to deal with the loneliness, losing yourself in thoughts and being over friendly with strangers.

I, for one, have built my life around who I am attempting to be. I try to maintain as much of my femininity as possible while conforming as much as I need to to the societial expectations of male.

I've locked myself into a corner of guilt, shame, sham and a ficticious person. So many depend on me as I am. My wife, emotionally, many others, professionally and such.

I know there must be a way out. But in the meantime, I can only hope that we can encourage other young people in our position to do what they feel is right.

I too have downloaded a copy of this.

Thanks again.

And, then there are those of of us who weren't fully aware we were acting. I would have been in my early school years, between the ages of 5 and 7, when I thought, "Oh, well, I was born a boy so I'll just have to be a boy." I was about 10 before I even realized there were anatomical differences boys and girls. Around 12 or 13, I used to wish that I'd get some strange disease that could only be cured with a "sex change," using the terminology I was aware of at that time.

Then, I just sort of assumed my male role and ran with it. It wasn't till about 3 years ago (I'm 40 now) that I began to realize my gender was wrong.

Very well done, Diana_W. Thanks for sharing.

Diana:

Thank you for this.  It is so true.  One of the reasons I took up acting in theatre is that I was so good at it.  But no one knew that when I came off the stage, all I did was exchange one character that I played for another.

I finally grew weary of always acting, always being on stage.  I stopped acting and started living.

You are a very eloquent writer, thank you.

-Sandy

Oh my.  I guess I'm just adding another echo to the room, but this essay very closely matches my own experience.

I also have some elements of what Shades speaks of.  I knew I wasn't a boy, but knew I "was" at the same time, so even though I was acting I never realized it until I was about 10 years old when I had my epiphany.  I didn't know boys and girls had anatomical differences until I was 7 or 8 and it wasn't too long after that I realized everything about me was wrong.  It was really painful for me, but I guess other people had picked up on something because I had more girl friends than boy friends early in school until I got made fun of for it.  I must have been really stupid if I couldn't see all those obvious signs and put the pieces together earlier

Anyhoo, I will also be printing this out.  I will probably give it to certain people when I come out.  Especially my mother if she calls me selfish like she did the last time I shared my feelings with her.  Thank you very much Diana.

Thank you posting this, Diana. Not surprisingly, what you wrote matches my experiences very closely. Of the little under two decades I've lived so far over a decade has been very much like what you described. And the strange part? I've only realized my gender identity about a year ago. I've been hiding myself and suffering from it for about a decade without even really knowing what there was to hide... I knew there was something that was different about me, and in some way I also... have a few scattered memories about... well, feeling like a girl, in some way. But I never actually realized that all that hiding myself, feeling different from other boys, etc. was becouse I was really a girl all along. *sigh* It's complicated...

Again, thanks for posting this. It may also become useful when comig out to people so I too will be copying it to my separate encrypted file container in my already encrypted pc hard drive, where it'd take weeks for even authorities to open it... And the life in the closet continues.

I don't have much to add to what people have already said but to say that it was beautiful and really moved me. Thank you very much for sharing it!

I shared it with my sister and my daughter. My daughter says no one should have to feel that much shame or being alone.

I relate a lot to it.

Thanks