Ok, just a little background... I'm now 25, been running from these feelings my entire life blah blah blah... but now I ended taken a new job and they moved me down to Arkansas which isn't the best place to transition but it gets me away from everyone I know so I could think for myself and decide if transition is right for me .

Alright... that was 5/6 months ago and since then I started to see a therapist around here.  Its nuts things you realize just talking to someone about these feelings and how I do these subtle things to make sure people don't think I'm feminine and well I'm kinda sick of it.  Having done it for as long as I can remember, its hard to break, especially at work...  Since I've only had 3 sessions with the therapist, and the guy is pretty busy... I have lots of time between sessions (2 weeks after the first, 3 weeks this time).  In June I think we have a every Friday session set up, but being in a new city with only work friends, I don't know how to be patient...

I'm driving myself nuts with anxiety and depression... I have too much time to sit around and think about whether I'm going to transition or not.  I've done things to keep busy like I started keeping a journal, I read "Whipping Girl" by Julia Serano (great book) and even came out to 2 girls (one of which I work with) to attempt to get out of my own head, but still I don't know what to do with myself.  Hormones seem like possibly a month away... I get too much anxiety thinking about starting laser without having made the decision to take hormones (which I feel will really help calm my anxiety and depression).  Getting closer to transition I feel like my mind is in overactive mode trying to make sure this is what I really need and its exhausting.

Any advice/wisdom?

Hi welcome to susans place! You ought to create an introduction thread so that we can know more about you!

And as for the thread.. Well, do you practice living like a girl? Because if you on't, you could start getting into the lifestyle of womanhood such as going to the clothes stores and buying yourself some nice clothes, discover your dress size, your shoe size, find out what kind of clothes suits you Other things could be to practice on your feminine voice, or to start using womens skincare and hair products to pretty yourself up

If you already do live like a woman, then I'd say improve your feminine self like read some literature about transexuals or femininity, go out walking and exercise yourself, go to the gym if you're overweight, go to the pool, etc Or maybe you could learn a new language or simply play video games

Hope these suggestions help! I need to find myself some feminine literature too, actually..

First take a deep breath, Hold it! and release.

Look inward, to the soul.  And what do you see?  For me, it was definitely female.  Only you can determine if transition is right for you.  Laser is easy, go for it.  It isn't like you would be growing boobs, it is just hair.

Transition is a journey, and even journey begins with the first step.  And you have taken the first step by going to a therapist.  In the mean time I would suggest dressing at home and see how it feels to you.  And don't let your location or the negative thoughts of others affect you.  It would be for you.

I usually end up locking myself in my apt when I get home from work so I can dress the way I want because I cannot shave my face and not have a shadow, if I shave my chest... it comes back the next day... I hate shaving and cannot/will not shave any part of my body on a daily basis, I can get smooth for a day, but if I revisit the same area the next day I get lots of irritation.  Because of all this body/facial hair I am too scared to leave my apt.

Anyways, I guess I just answered my own question huh?  I need to start laser removal... I wanted to call the laser place last week but I ended up with too much anxiety and to calm myself down I said just wait for hormones first... 

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Post Merge: May 16, 2010, 05:35:12 PM

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Quote from: Janet Lynn on May 16, 2010, 05:24:47 PM
Look inward, to the soul.  And what do you see?  For me, it was definitely female.  Only you can determine if transition is right for you.  Laser is easy, go for it.  It isn't like you would be growing boobs, it is just hair.

I have accepted this part of me, its the one consistent thing in my life after family... its always been there and I have extremely excited to live the way I want.  But its just the fact that its soooo far away and the closest steps are a week and a half until my next therapy session which will probably end up with a visit to the doctor, but still each day is exhausting.  I can feel positive about this transition for awhile, but too many times I end up still contradicting myself (mostly at work where I present and act like a man)... I'm trying to stop doing this...  this is why I came out to these 2 girls to attempt to find more comfort with my feelings.

I can understand the conflict.  For 8 months in 2008, I lived the part time guy thing and hated every minute of it.  Then I went full time and never looked back.

I would start the laser as a means for comforting your true female side.  The male will protest but soon it will come to agree it is best.  And let go of the masculine facade, even at work.  They can stop you from being you.

It took me nearly a year of hormones before I started laser! I didn't have much facial hair to begin with, but still, there was a slight shadow on the moustache area after shaving.

I was really nervous about seeing the laser tech. All the places I'd gone prior - my doctors, my therapists, meeting other trans people - these were all 'trans-friendly' spaces, and I was never nervous about these. But going to the laser place I felt very nervous, and so many thoughts ran through my mind before going in.

Well my worries were unfounded. I went in for my appointment, and the girl who operated the machine expained the procedure for me,and she asked what I wanted done. I told her I wanted all my facial hair removed, and she looked at me and smiled, and told me that I have a really smooth face without that much hair, and that she would charge me at the girl rate lol. Anyway, I explained to her that I'm trans, and that the smooth face is from hormones. She smiled and nodded, and after that kept calling me sweetie during the whole thing.

So really, there's nothing to worry about. I think at a lot of these beauty places if you're presenting as a guy and tell them you're trans, and you're kind of shy but very friendly, they'll be really nice to you.

When I started laser, I was in boy mode and I just told them what I wanted.  I did explain the reasoning, which they could have cared less, for wanting it.  Many guys have hair removal treatments and the tech don't care, they are paid to furnish a service.

this is so scary... 

having to make these conscious decisions to change is tough... i don't want to deal with any of this, i can't imagine anybody does, but in the end the sooner I do it... the sooner I'll be where I want...

i still have doubts which lead to lots of anxiety... i still feel like somehow the feelings are going to go away and i need to wait (although life has proven this otherwise). 

i hate thinking about people being able to notice before i tell them... and i feel like laser of my face will be a red flag, but i'm probably over thinking it... i don't pay much attention to other guys facial hair, I can't imagine they would even notice if one day I didn't have any anymore.  but the combination of my hair getting longer and a clean face i think will be obvious to people im transitioning... but then again im sure that thought won't even enter anybodys head... i think im just paranoid from living a life hiding femininity and trying to portray masculinity so making these decisions is driving me nuts

I am going to say something that will sound uncaring, which is far from the true.  If there is no policy saying you can't hair long hair, you are just growing it out for you.  And as to the rest, if they are not  signing your pay check or paying your rent, who freaking care what they think.  This is for you and you alone.

I was paranoid a long time ago and I kick myself for being so.

Quote from: rylielove on May 16, 2010, 05:09:18 PM.how I do these subtle things to make sure people don't think I'm feminine and well I'm kinda sick of it.  Having done it for as long as I can remember, its hard to break, especially at work...

I know exactly what you mean and I still do it sometimes and it makes me sick to the pit of my stomach, as in altering my voice and manners to be a little more stiff and masculine, especially around guys. You want to break the habit but sometimes you feel compelled to do it even though you hate every ticking second.

I wish I had the wisdom to tell you how/when this is dealt with or whether it comes naturally as you transition.

Look for a laser tech in you area who's not afraid to crank up the machine setting into heavy duty.

Quote from: rylielove on May 16, 2010, 06:24:12 PM
i still feel like somehow the feelings are going to go away and i need to wait (although life has proven this otherwise). 

I think you can safely assume it isn't going away.  Assuming otherwise will likely just lead to pain and regret.  I speak from experience on this.

So it isn't going away, which means you just really need to figure out how you want/need to deal with it.  You'll be able to accomplish this quicker with a therapist.  You can figure it out on your own, but it will just take a lot longer.  I speak from experience on that one too.

Quote from: rylielove on May 16, 2010, 05:25:41 PM
Anyways, I guess I just answered my own question huh?  I need to start laser removal... I wanted to call the laser place last week but I ended up with too much anxiety and to calm myself down I said just wait for hormones first... 

Hold your horses there, hun.  You shouldn't be worrying about taking either of those steps until you know exactly where you plan to go. 

Quote from: rylielove on May 16, 2010, 05:25:41 PM
But its just the fact that its soooo far away and the closest steps are a week and a half until my next therapy session which will probably end up with a visit to the doctor, but still each day is exhausting.

You don't need anybody's permission to start working on your voice, so you can start working on that immediately while you figure things out.

Get to a therapist for help sorting things out first and hopefully some guidance on all the life things you'll need to take care of should you go through with transitioning.  Then, when you are ready, they'll be able to help you get on HRT.  Soon as you know you will be transitioning I would encourage you to start on the facial hair (it can take years to finish) but not before, unless you are already certain you don't want a beard.

Quote from: rylielove on May 16, 2010, 06:24:12 PM
the combination of my hair getting longer and a clean face i think will be obvious to people im transitioning

So what?  In that scenario you would be transitioning, why would it matter if somebody figured it out?  This really indicates, along with the doubts you still seem to have, that you still need to sort things out better before taking any major steps toward transition.  While you go through transition you can't be worried about what people think of you... period.  You need to have very thick skin, not to mention be prepared to lose everything.  If it's right for you, you really will find that strength, whether you believe it or not.

thinking about a lot of this, i've come to a few conclusions...

first, having to live as a guy and fit into society... i've gotten really good at "controlling" what people think of me, if that makes sense.  based on my actions and how i look, i can safely assume they perceive me as a guy.  so in a way, loosing control over others perception is a scary thought because i've cared so much about pretending that i don't care about anything.  does that make sense??

also, when i came out to these girls... they were like, "but you such a guy" and it made me feel kinda weird.  in a good way it validated that i've succeeded in making people think im a guy, but also that its going to be tough to tell people who i really am.

i don't know how to stop perpetuating this male self i've shown everybody... its not that i keep acting this way, but because its how people know me... its how they treat me... jeez its confusing...

I would just say, stop pretending.  Be you.  Everything else will start falling into place after that.

I know, and I am... everything is falling into place... but it comes back to my subject heading, its hard to be patient.

Just my 2 cents worth, as I haven't got as far as you yet in coming out.

I spent 30 years in a uniform, with people telling me how I had to look, so now I can do what I want and I will.

I have started to grow my hair, after a long period of crew cuts/shaving and dyed it to cover the grey, and try and make the thinning less obvious, but it came out more of an auburn than v.dark brown.  One of the girls at work said that the contrast made it look like I was wearing mascara, so I lied and said I had been using mascara  off and on since Bowie did Ziggy Stardust, but nobody noticed.

Also I have had one laser session, as I have decided that after a few tries in the past I don't like having a beard, and am sick of shaving.  Working out how much I spend on blades, I reckon the laser will be cheaper in the long run, and will save a few minutes in the morning too.

If you ever get the patience thing figured out, let me know.  I could use some lessons .

Quote from: rylielove on May 16, 2010, 06:24:12 PM
i hate thinking about people being able to notice before i tell them... and i feel like laser of my face will be a red flag,

I really doubt if people will make the connection between laser and you being trans, although it may be possible. If you are that worried, try losing a lot of weight before you do anything else, and then get laser and hrt (if you want to follow that route). Any ensuing changes you can plausibly blame on weight loss.

I started hrt without telling my partner (yes slap me on the wrist now please - she now knows though so ). I grew small tits with a few months, but I had also lost a lot of weight. When she asked me about the boobage, I told her that since I'd been losing so much weight without any weight training, there was residual fat in the chest area lol! Silly, yeah, but it's amazing what people WON'T notice or put together when you see them every day. Most likely people will tell you that you look great, slim, and that you look 5 or 10 years younger. I get people telling me I am in my late teens, at times (male though) and early twenties, when I am in fact a number of years more advanced than that. So I wouldn't worry what people will think of you if you get laser or grow your hair out.

Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on May 16, 2010, 09:04:42 PM
Sleeping pills. Lots of.

made me laugh