Recently, as some emotions got out, I've learned what you all really think.  It's all very well being inclusive and trying to cover everything - that's good.  What I'm saying here isn't anybody's deliberate fault.

It's just... I've figured out I'm not TS.  Sure, I have the wrong genitals and I'm getting them fixed asap.  But it's now clear to me, you all think different to that.

You're TS.  I'm just a regular girl.  That's all.  I don't belong here.  This is really ungrateful of me, but honestly, screw the community.  Screw all the friggin' communities.  As long as I call myself TS, nobody's ever going to treat me like a human being.

I'm not special.  I'm not "extra", I'm not different.  I'm a girl.  That's all there is to it!  I don't belong here.  It's abundantly clear now that I don't belong here.  Quite frankly it aught to be made a bit clearer, in case there's anybody else like me on here.

So, I'm casting friends aside.  So what.  That always happens anyway.  Life's sh1t.  Friends always forget you anyway.  This is no different.  Nobody sticks together.  Nobody believes in anything any more.  I'll be in tears after this, and then calm down, and then carry on.  No big deal.  My heart's been wrenched apart in so many directions, so many times already that it just doesn't even hurt any more.

I've been dishonest, all this time.  I've given out the impression that I approve of things I don't approve of.  This in particular.  I bloody hate crossdressers.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry but I can't help it and the least I can do is to be honest about it for once.  You all go and enjoy yourselves dressing up, and in the meanwhile, whilst you're having fun in your perfect bodies, people like me are lumped in with you, we're not given a chance in hell.  I don't think you're doing anything wrong on purpouse, but I'm sorry I just can't help but to hate you all anyway.  I'm just so bloody jealous of all you people who are fine, and I can't help be hurt, even as it's unintentional, by the way it parodies this horrific condition.

And then I get all the BS.  "You're not real because you're not part of [this group] and you don't conform to [these rules] or pass [this test]."  Well you know what - keep your damned communities.  Keep them, turn them sideways, and stick them somewhere.  Because that's where they are in the first place.  I don't want to be part of some kind of "special club".  That's all these bloody communities are.

Why can't I just be some girl?  What's wrong with that?  Other girls do it.

And then I realise - the more I associate with communities, especially (unfortunately) the more inclusive ones, the more I'm effectively telling people that they have to treat me differently.  I'm giving out false signals.  I don't want to be treated seperately, yet I'm part of a group, seperating me from the rest.

And all you s->-bleeped-<-ing know-it-alls can laugh your petty heads off and say "she won't last two seconds" as much as you please in your little worlds of labels and categories.  I don't give a damn about you any more.  I don't know why I ever did in the first place.  You think the world's made up of narrow definitions, passing tests and jumping hoops?  Well then you don't have the first clue about what I'm going through, and you never will.  So to hell with you.  Have your clubs.  Practice your discrimination and elitism.  Go to hell.  I won't meet you there.

I'm never again calling myself trans-anything.  If people want to disbelieve my gender, they can go huff themselves.  Doesn't matter what they think - doesn't change a thing.  If they don't know what's real in life, that's their problem.  I don't have to insist I'm a woman - it's true whether I insist it or not.  So I'm going to stop bothering.

And if I get murdered for it, like those other people who didn't disclose things, then never mind.  It's less risky that way, because the other way, I swear, if I have to take much more of this "are you really a woman" BS, I'm seriously going to ->-bleeped-<-ing kill myself.  I'm a friggin' human being.  I can only take so much.  It's a miracle I'm still here this far.  If I'm dead anyway then I'm dead anyway.  The biggest chance that's not the case is if I drop all this pretense.  I'm not a transsexual, I'm a ->-bleeped-<-ing girl.  If you don't like it, tough.  Deal with it.  Like I said, if "deal with it" means stick a knife in me, then I'm dead anyway, so it makes no difference.

No more Mrs. Niceguy.  I'm taking my bloody life back!

Goodbye.  I will dearly miss some of you, especially Beth.  You should understand why I have to do this, though.  It's necessary.  If you would be my friend anyway, then my email address is fizzyhazelnut@yahoo.co.uk.  If not, then I have nothing to do with you.

Better I realised all this now than later.  I owed it to you all to get this off my chest, to be honest for a change, instead of being nice.  I'm not like you lot.  I'm not "female-identified".  I don't have anything to "admit" or "disclose".  I can do without the hassle.  As if I haven't got enough to deal with in the first place.

Oh and anybody who wants to say "good riddance", don't waste your breath.  I won't ever be back here to check replies to this thread.  It's just information, nothing more.  You have my email address if there's anything urgent.  That's enough.

Nobody's deliberate fault.  Just the way things are.  I'm not one of you and I don't belong here.  None of you have a clue what I'm going through, because it's a completely different thing - and vice versa.  I didn't realise that until now.  It's pointless us all arguing when we're not talking about the same thing in the first place.  Okay, bye now.  I wish you all well.  I never hit the "smite" button on a single one of you.  On the whole you seem like good people.  Good luck with your various issues.  Cya.

Hope all goes well and you find peace and love in your life.

I would like to point out your personal choice of identification is not going to change one iota how the general public sees you. You can hide for a while but sooner or later you will be outed. You know this instinctively. How can anyone chose to enter a more restrictive closet than the one they escaped of by coming out as transgender is beyond me. You will have to live day in and day out with the fear of discovery. You will have to face the people who you misled I should say lied to, but I will be charitable here. They will be hurt more by the that, than the fact that you are what they would identify as a TS. Go it alone, but understand this you will probally not survive the attempt. It is clear that you understand this already due to your specific mention of it in your message.  I wish you all the luck in the world.

Hello Svelana.

I'm really sorry to see you leave like this, and I'm a little surprised that you would quit some thing you apparently enjoyed taking part in.  I think everyone will loose.

QuoteWhy can't I just be some girl?  What's wrong with that?  Other girls do it.

Of course you can be some girl, you can be anything you want to be, it's what the other people you encounter think that can really mess things up for you.

I myself know that I am a woman, it's just this shell that I have to wear is not quite right.  I am willing to put up with being called trans, as I know that will make my life easier in the long run. Even though I don't like it, it's just a fact of life is all

I wish you good luck in the future.  Take care, you are always welcome here.

Steph

I'm sorry to see you go, Lana. I shall miss your quirky sense of humour and thought-provoking postings.

And I, for one, don't care what you call yourself. You have a right to call yourself what you wish.

Dennis

i'll miss your wit and honesty on the forum Lana. it was your honesty that seemed to invite controversy at times. some seem to have forgotten that a MTF transsexual is a WOMAN with a man's body by definition. i absolutely know that you are a regular girl Lana. you have positively shown that fact many times.






i love you

beth

Goodbye Svetlana,

Hate me for being a crossdresser...its ok...so do many other people. Just another example of how easy it is for me to be cd, in my 'perfect' life.

Good luck to you,
Love DebTV

Perfect body? Perfect life? Would any of us need or even seek out each other's support if our lives were anywhere near perfect? I don't think so. You can go ahead and call yourself anything you want, but unfortunately it won't change who or what you are in the eyes of others. I am not ashamed of who I am, none of us should be. I am a trans-woman and nothing I can do or say will change that. Just remember that others will not always view you the way you wish to be viewed and sometimes they can react violently. I am sorry you feel such pain and anguish at the way you are viewed, I do not. However, my life and my body are far from perfect. I forget who said it but "The worst lie is a truth, misunderstood by those who hear it." seems to apply here. Hopefully those people will not react in a way that will endanger your happiness, your safety, or your life. Best of luck to you Lana. Be safe!

Gina

I am rather hoping that you are simply having a moment like many of us have from time to time and that you will return, less angry and more reassured that we do want you here. You are a part of this community even if right now you think not. Your thoughts and your opinions are wanted and thought highly of here. You can see that from the many reply's. Do come back Lana.

But if you choose not to return I hope that you will at least come in and read all these posts and know that we wish you the best. Do you remember the song by Cat Stephens Wild World from Tea for the Tillerman. Take care and be careful out there.

Cassie

Thundra posted this earlier but I managed to loose it somewhere.

Quote from: Thundra
<<<<  I'm never again calling myself trans-anything. >>>>

Works for me.

Lana, one of the things in life you need to consider is that no matter what you consider yourself, or how correct or incoorect that may be, there will always be others who do not agree, and if you don't accept that, you will never "take your life back".  In the real world you can be accepted as a real woman in principle and still have to face the fact that some will always consider you as born male.  YES, it is discrimination, but you can't win that battle by simply saying you "are" so what they think doesn't matter.  You have to work from within to prove and show your heart, and gradually earn their acceptance.  it is a certaintly that being a woman has little enough to do with how you look, rather it is what is in your soul, but regardless of that, nobody has to accept that unconditionally. despite what you feel you are, you have to earn that status among women, and they don't just pass it out, they make you work for it.

Nobody just wants to see you get frustrated simply because others have opinions or experience you can't agree with or understand,  but by shutting yourself out, you are not giving yourself the time or opportunity to reach any understanding and your problems in this will likely only increase, not diminish, and the basic problems you run into here are just going to be all that much more severe in the outside world, and if you can't face it here, whats it going to be like there?  Trust me on this lana, if nothing else.  There is nothing you can run into here that won't be repeated in spades outside in the world.  If nothing else, stick around and simply learn to deal with it and why it is without all the preconceptions about what you think it is, because in time you might just learn differently if you are open and willing to examine it objectively rather then subjectively.

As far as the relationship between you and I, which admittedly is not good, so what?  we each have our own lives and our own realities to deal with and do so in very different ways, that doesn't make anyones way the only road, only one of many.  I've told you many times in the past that it is perhaps impossible for you to understand someone like myself simply because of the very diverse and different background I have, but you seem to feel I am putting you down by making statements like that when it is only a type of outlook that has been a lifetime in the making and is highly individual to myself, making it a very private world not necessarily comprehensible to any but the very few who share some of the basics of it.  Just accept that and if people like myself bother you, just let it pass and maintain distance, going your own way in life as after all, your life is your own as is everyone elses and you have to live it as works best for you regardless of anyone elses ideas or viewpoints.

While it is true you and I don't get along and perhaps never will, there are others here you can be closer to and they would miss you, so why not come back and agree to disagree when that is the way things are, as that is the way of life?

Terri

Her email:

fizzyhazelnut@yahoo.co.uk
(make sure you use yahoo.co.uk not yahoo.com)


beth   

Hope you see this Lana.

As a Cd myself I can see how you do not want to be grouped in with us. I have experienced that before but I think here is different to other places I have been.

Here we can be different and still share without being judged. Perhaps this is just an angry outburst perhaps its been bubbling up for a while. Whatever it is I wish you well where ever you go and hope that you find that which you seek.

No hard feelings Lana good luck.

Shelley

The sad thing is, we all have an issue about other people defining who and what we are.  Whenever a label is attached to a person, it automatically begins to constrain that person within a set of parameters.  Quite frankly, it doesn't matter if the label is accurate or not.  The simple fact that the label was created by others reduces our level of choice in the label.

The process of identity negotiation involves people trying labels on us and us trying labels on ourselves and finding a label that both self and others can agree on.  Most people don't negotiate their identity.  It's too hard.  You may have expended a great deal of energy negotiating with someone that you are a B.  And the next minute someone new comes along and says, "You?  You're just an A."  So we get fed up and deny all labels, but it doesn't help because people treat us based on their labels anyway.

There is a certain ebb and flow to life and to web sites, too.  There was a time when Susan's was strongly dominated by CDs.  During the present time in history it is dominated by TSs.  Publically, Susan's is for transgendered people.  But, of course, that's easier to say than to do.  Whether that is good or bad is irrelivant; it just is.  But whatever goup has been in control, they have been the label makers of the community who have sometimes lacked patience with those who don't want to conform to those labels and want to negotiate their own.

I've also noticed a flow to the life of people who pass through Susan's.  There are those who arrive searching for answers.  They come crying out, "What am I?" and are willing to take on those labels.  Then there are those who become the converts, the true believers.  They take themselves altogether too seriously and feel obligated to become the label makers.  These usually come into conflict with those who want to be self-labelers.  The strong-willed who are not allowed to negotiate their identity with a community, generally leave the community.  Then there are those who are beyond caring about labels, the ones who no longer have a need to come back because the community no longer provides what they need.  Some linger for a time because of a sense of nostalgia, but they all eventually leave.

I have seen many, many who have gone beyond needing Susan's.  Some of them I miss very much.  Soon I will be one of them.  In my time lingering here I have found so many of the vital topics of the day to be unutterably boring, and so many of the guardians of truth and morality to be insufferably full of themselves.  You see, I have a life now, and I don't need anyone to guide me on my path for however many months or years I have left.

There are those here who don't think I take things seriously enough.  They are wrong.  I still take things far too seriously.  If they stopped taking themselves so bloody seriously, they might be able to see how absurd they are.  Keep the faith, Susan.  You are a beautiful person.

                i agree with your observations Lisbeth and i'm gonna label you very perceptive whether you like it or not!




beth

Quote from: Svetlana on August 15, 2005, 10:53:49 AM
Recently, as some emotions got out, I've learned what you all really think.  It's all very well being inclusive and trying to cover everything - that's good.  What I'm saying here isn't anybody's deliberate fault.

It's just... I've figured out I'm not TS.  Sure, I have the wrong genitals and I'm getting them fixed asap.  But it's now clear to me, you all think different to that.

You're TS.  I'm just a regular girl.  That's all.  I don't belong here.  This is really ungrateful of me, but honestly, screw the community.  Screw all the friggin' communities.  As long as I call myself TS, nobody's ever going to treat me like a human being.

I'm not special.  I'm not "extra", I'm not different.  I'm a girl.  That's all there is to it!  I don't belong here.  It's abundantly clear now that I don't belong here.  Quite frankly it aught to be made a bit clearer, in case there's anybody else like me on here.

So, I'm casting friends aside.  So what.  That always happens anyway.  Life's sh1t.  Friends always forget you anyway.  This is no different.  Nobody sticks together.  Nobody believes in anything any more.  I'll be in tears after this, and then calm down, and then carry on.  No big deal.  My heart's been wrenched apart in so many directions, so many times already that it just doesn't even hurt any more.

I've been dishonest, all this time.  I've given out the impression that I approve of things I don't approve of.  This in particular.  I bloody hate crossdressers.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry but I can't help it and the least I can do is to be honest about it for once.  You all go and enjoy yourselves dressing up, and in the meanwhile, whilst you're having fun in your perfect bodies, people like me are lumped in with you, we're not given a chance in hell.  I don't think you're doing anything wrong on purpouse, but I'm sorry I just can't help but to hate you all anyway.  I'm just so bloody jealous of all you people who are fine, and I can't help be hurt, even as it's unintentional, by the way it parodies this horrific condition.

And then I get all the BS.  "You're not real because you're not part of [this group] and you don't conform to [these rules] or pass [this test]."  Well you know what - keep your damned communities.  Keep them, turn them sideways, and stick them somewhere.  Because that's where they are in the first place.  I don't want to be part of some kind of "special club".  That's all these bloody communities are.

Why can't I just be some girl?  What's wrong with that?  Other girls do it.

And then I realise - the more I associate with communities, especially (unfortunately) the more inclusive ones, the more I'm effectively telling people that they have to treat me differently.  I'm giving out false signals.  I don't want to be treated seperately, yet I'm part of a group, seperating me from the rest.

And all you s->-bleeped-<-ing know-it-alls can laugh your petty heads off and say "she won't last two seconds" as much as you please in your little worlds of labels and categories.  I don't give a damn about you any more.  I don't know why I ever did in the first place.  You think the world's made up of narrow definitions, passing tests and jumping hoops?  Well then you don't have the first clue about what I'm going through, and you never will.  So to hell with you.  Have your clubs.  Practice your discrimination and elitism.  Go to hell.  I won't meet you there.

I'm never again calling myself trans-anything.  If people want to disbelieve my gender, they can go huff themselves.  Doesn't matter what they think - doesn't change a thing.  If they don't know what's real in life, that's their problem.  I don't have to insist I'm a woman - it's true whether I insist it or not.  So I'm going to stop bothering.

And if I get murdered for it, like those other people who didn't disclose things, then never mind.  It's less risky that way, because the other way, I swear, if I have to take much more of this "are you really a woman" BS, I'm seriously going to ->-bleeped-<-ing kill myself.  I'm a friggin' human being.  I can only take so much.  It's a miracle I'm still here this far.  If I'm dead anyway then I'm dead anyway.  The biggest chance that's not the case is if I drop all this pretense.  I'm not a transsexual, I'm a ->-bleeped-<-ing girl.  If you don't like it, tough.  Deal with it.  Like I said, if "deal with it" means stick a knife in me, then I'm dead anyway, so it makes no difference.

No more Mrs. Niceguy.  I'm taking my bloody life back!

Goodbye.  I will dearly miss some of you, especially Beth.  You should understand why I have to do this, though.  It's necessary.  If you would be my friend anyway, then my email address is fizzyhazelnut@yahoo.co.uk.  If not, then I have nothing to do with you.

Better I realised all this now than later.  I owed it to you all to get this off my chest, to be honest for a change, instead of being nice.  I'm not like you lot.  I'm not "female-identified".  I don't have anything to "admit" or "disclose".  I can do without the hassle.  As if I haven't got enough to deal with in the first place.

Oh and anybody who wants to say "good riddance", don't waste your breath.  I won't ever be back here to check replies to this thread.  It's just information, nothing more.  You have my email address if there's anything urgent.  That's enough.

Nobody's deliberate fault.  Just the way things are.  I'm not one of you and I don't belong here.  None of you have a clue what I'm going through, because it's a completely different thing - and vice versa.  I didn't realise that until now.  It's pointless us all arguing when we're not talking about the same thing in the first place.  Okay, bye now.  I wish you all well.  I never hit the "smite" button on a single one of you.  On the whole you seem like good people.  Good luck with your various issues.  Cya.

whoa!  too bad she's not here anymore.  i'd have liked her.

Quote from: beth on October 05, 2005, 05:16:24 PM
                i agree with your observations Lisbeth and i'm gonna label you very perceptive whether you like it or not!




beth

Her post was a work of art.

It has been archived.

Quote from: Tink on April 21, 2007, 09:58:13 PM
I admit that I am one of those people who thinks that ->-bleeped-<-s or crossdressers  don't share the same feelings or experiences as those of transsexuals.

OK, before anyone gets upset and says something that starts another of those tension building threads, lets just leave that horse to die and not beat it again!

Beverly

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on April 21, 2007, 10:53:20 PM

Quote from: Tink on April 21, 2007, 09:58:13 PM
I admit that I am one of those people who thinks that ->-bleeped-<-s or crossdressers  don't share the same feelings or experiences as those of transsexuals.

OK, before anyone gets upset and says something that starts another of those tension building threads, lets just leave that horse to die and not beat it again!

Beverly

I agree.  I was just trying to make a point.  BTW that horse was supposed to be dead long ago.

tink

I understand what you are saying about not sharing the same feelings.  I just don't want someone who will fire off a reply without taking a deep breath and thinking about what they post to turn this into another TS>CD thread.

And Tink, don't get me wrong, I agree with you.  There's a big difference between,"Let's see, do I wear the light blond wig tonight or the dark blond and do these heels go with this skirt?" and "Let's see, who has the best track record, Reed or Toby or Marcie or Menard or do I want to go to Thailand and who charges what?" etc.

(((Hug)))
Beverly