I have been taking hormones (estrofem & spiro) on and off for ~2/12 years recently starting again. Each time the following has happened;
After approximately 3 months I notice a sense of contentment, and well being, happiness if you will. But (there's always but), along with my new found contentment a diminished interest in all things feminine occurs. I find myself fantasizing less and less about my life as a woman,
I find myself losing interest in CD, and gradually I no longer feel a compulsion to medicate, and I stop my regimen. After a couple of months   not medicating the desire to CD returns, accompanied by thoughts, once again, of transforming. Any suggestions?

Yes, I understand that.
What I don't understand is what to do about it.

I've tried reducing dosage, but that hasn't worked, and I believe I'm at minimum effective dose.

I've tried to ignore the loss of interest and continue the regimen, but so far this hasn't proved successful either, as the desire for desire wins out.

I have been playing with the notion of just taking estrogen without the spiro but haven't so far. My thought is at my age (62) testosterone levels are  probably low, and the estrofem might suffice on its own.

Thanks for responding.

normally if you're taking hormones the desired outcome is to go like fulltime and stuff.  So  maybe if wanting to change is contingent on thoughts derived from CD fantasies and stuff it could be that that might just be a form of satisfaction for you or something.  Like maybe explore into if you're transgendered or if you're confusing like sexual feelings for trans feelings. 

Hopefully you have a good therapist because it sounds like you are conflicted. From the minute I started HRT I have been happy and at peace and have felt more and more female because the T was keeping me from being my true self. I don't have any male clothes and can't imagine dressing as a male.

Pam

Thanks,

I am somewhat conflicted, and don't consider myself a very well integrated personality. I have never had much luck finding a (good) therapist, and after numerous attempts no longer see one regularly.
At my age I have resigned, as much as possible, myself to the realization that I will have to deal with uncertainty for the rest of my life.
I'm trying to make the best of a less than perfect situation.

My old psychiatrist friend would say that this is about figuring out who you are and what you want from the whole thing, because nothing else matters.

For some people the thing is a sexual fantasy, and there is nothing wrong with that, but the logical consequence is that once the libido goes, so do the fantasies - and then there is no "reward". Whereas for those of us for whom the transition thing is a non sexual motivation concerned with how we see ourselves as people outside of sex, then the loss of fantasy doesn't make any difference because the motivation wasn't sexual in the first place.

Bottom line - if for you this is a sexual thing - you are probably better off staying as you are and enjoying the fantasies. There is nothing wrong with that and if it gives you pleasure then that is fine.

For me I can honestly say that it was never even slightly connected to sex. I NEVER masturbated or fanatsised about it in that way. I was just deeply unhappy and once I started to change and lost the male libido - if anything that made me want to continue even more!

Go figure - but don't let anyone tell you what you SHOULD or should not want from this. Just figure out what it is and then work out how to get it! It may be that transition is just not part of what works for you.

If I may make a suggestion.

The medicines make you feel calm. That is a plus.

Now, your interest in wearing female clothing seem to have been reduced. But you should still wear female clothing simply because that is what you are doing everything for. It's part of you.

At the moment, your interest in female clothing is essentially erotic. But your desire for the desire is an indication that you have greater needs as well. It is also an indication that your needs remain, only the erotic element is gone.

So, dicipline yourself and put on the appropriate clothing, a dress, for who you are.

---

Post Merge: May 23, 2010, 06:43:19 PM

---

Just read jenny's response. It seems to be the opposite of mine.

Since she has so much more experience than I do, it will probably be better to give more weight to her suggestions than mine.

Thanks,

I'm assuming, dangerous I know, you mean primarily sexual, as surely there is a sexual component attached to the desire for transition.

I find it very difficult to quantify the sexual component, and tend to agree that my "desire for desire" indicates that sex while important is not, in and of itself, sufficient.

But, to be honest my belief is based on nothing more than the simple fact that this scenario holds more appeal for me.

I really want to thank everyone who has responded, as I find the wide variety of opinions more valuable than any of the advice received from therapists.

Quotesurely there is a sexual component attached to the desire for transition.

Nope

Quote from: LordKAT on May 24, 2010, 12:02:20 AM
Nope

Yes there is. It is the dark thoughts of pleasure that we all secretly desire.
The dark side has shown me that the desire to be loved and feel pleasure can force someone to transition from the Jedi and their pathetic ways. Oh I loathe the Jedi and the training they made me do. The trials of the Jedi was awful as they made me complete strenuous tasks.
Life is still not easy as a Sith. Im constantly feeling pity for the pathetic humans that toil around me as I complete my training to become a Sith Lord or should I say Lady. Pathetic humans! There are so many in this Galaxy, especially on this planet. Sorry, to any Humans I may have offended here in my rant....

Quote from: gail123 on May 23, 2010, 07:02:14 PM
I'm assuming, dangerous I know, you mean primarily sexual, as surely there is a sexual component attached to the desire for transition.

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Seriously I mean that with total 100.00% certainty. Nothing zero nada zilch.

If you have a sexual component to it then that is fine, but it does mean that we are not talking exactly about the same thing, and I'm guessing that that will make a quite difference to how you feel.

For me there was no sexual component whatsoever in my desire to transition. It was something fundamental about who I was, which started way back before I had any awareness of what sex even was. I mean who really has sexual felings back at age 4 or 5 (when I first came out).

Until I was about 13 or 14 I thought the idea of sex was disgusting. But I still wanted to be a little girl with all my heart and prayed for transformation every single night of my life.

So like I say that subtle difference in motivation is something which you do have to factor into your thinking.

Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on May 24, 2010, 02:38:35 AM
Meh, I had no sexual component to my desire to be a woman when I was a 5, but once I hit my teens, my desire to be female got tangled up in the sexual confusion that is puberty. There was definitely a sexual component to the desire to transition; I wanted to ->-bleeped-<- as a woman not as a man, so the fantasy of screwing someone as a woman was massively arousing.
Personally I think there's too much denial of the sexual connections to our gender identity; it's a knee jerk reaction to the  ->-bleeped-<-c bull->-bleeped-<-.
I mean come on, who out of the women here isn't turned on by putting on sexy lingerie? Do you really think that cis women don't get turned on by dressing up in sexy clothes?

Yeah ok - I will agree with that, but there is a subtle difference. The sexual component is not from the transition per se, but from the sexual identity which it unleashes. Also our desire to transition exists asside from libido - as witnessed by the fact that we did have that desire in some shape or form at a pre pubescent age.

Thank you Jenny. You expressed that well. I obviously didn't.

Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on May 24, 2010, 03:14:49 AM
Dangerous thinking there Jenny; what about those who didn't have trans feelings until puberty?

Well I can't really talk about them because I did have those feelings - and I have no other experience upon which to draw. I can only talk from my own experience.

Others are maybe better placed to talk from a different perspective. I make no claim to know what is the best way forward for anyone but myself.

I can only speak with any authority about my experience. Nothing is served by my lying and pretending that I did not have such feelings when it is a photographically documented fact and indeed one written in my own medical records and indeed my parents diaries (which since their deaths I have had) that I did.

To be different is not wrong. It is just different. And lets be VERY clear here it decidedly DOES NOT make anyone any better or worse than anyone else, but I'm not going to start denying the politically incorrect fact that I had those feelings at a prepubescent age because I did and I can prove it too.

Hmm I don't per-say remember wanting to be a girl pre-puberty... as I say I have experiences as a young child performing gender Atypical things but I can't put down my motivation for performing such acts and I was certainly not a pink princess child.

Sexual elements of Transition?

I did have fantasy of someone else begin forced against their will to acquire gender characteristics that they didn't identify with and loosing bits they did and feeling degraded horrified and embarrassed by such an experience and I would then appear console pity and also desire them, The emotion was absolutely critical it didn't work without and I was aware that I was causing this with my mind and that felt empowering the victim was either gender.

I wondered if this sexual fantasy came from my own experience of feeling alone abused by my biology, and wanting to emotionally proxy my experience. But at the time I wasn't sure if it was that or whether I just wanted to be with a Trans person and was I trying to turn myself into my own fetish?

But this fantasy has vanished now but my desire to transition has actually become x10 stronger as I'm now without such distraction.

As for actually during transition. Well when my breasts began to appear I felt extremely happy I was grinning so much my face hurt, it would be a lie if I pretended that exploration of my new anatomy was a chore.

Perhaps we are attempting to say there is a single reason. That is dangerous.

I know what I am when I was four years old. I didn't have a clue about sex. I didn't even have a clue about what girls liiked like.

But I knew how girls behaved and how boys behaved. I knew I was comfortable behaving like the other girls and that I found it impossible to behave like the boys.

What happened when I was in my teens is I became what most people become in their teens.

Though, thinking back, what I was thinking about was from a perspective of the equipment I had. Emotionally, I was thinking as a girl. Not interested in joining the male peer group. Desperately wanted to build my nest and attract the alpha.

Though there are many who don't realise their positions until much later. Teens. Adulthood. Many on here have said this. I've noticed a higher percentage of FtM people.

But at the end of the day, it's about you. You life. What you want to do. And being contended with yourself.

At the risk of being disputatious the sexual nature, component if you will, does not need awareness to exist, it's part and parcel of the fabric of life. Sometimes unwisely pushed to the periphery, sometimes unwisely given too much prominence but always present a force of nature and nurture.
John Henry, after all, can be seen as driving something more or less, depending on your point of view, than steel.
But your point is still well taken, and in my case you could very well be correct.

Many of the replies you received come from those of us who have had extensive counciling from gender professionals. I feel it is very important to have help during this process because most of us have major internal struggles. Also HRT needs to be carefully monitored. In my case HRT confirmed my severe GID. I dress as a woman because I am a woman inside and I get no sexual gratification from womans clothes; they just are natural and I could never go back to wearing awful mens clothes. If you cross dress for pleasure that is fine and you should continue to do so but only extensive therapy from a gender professional can help you understand your place on the gender curve. HRT is generally not the was crossdressers should go.

Pam

Thanks,


I'm afraid I don't place much stock in so called gender professionals.
Apart from the medical aspects I haven't had much luck with them.
I agree with you in large part, but my interest in being feminine far predates any interest in CD. In fact my CD is rather limited, think granny clothes.
My comments about the sexual component have more to do with sexual drive not sexual gratification. But, again I'm not sure how to quantify these matters, and I don't have much faith in others ability to do so either.
It is interesting and perhaps revealing that the majority of responders seem to believe I'm not really committed to, or have a deep need to transform, and would be better off limiting my scope to CD. I've spent the last two+ years trying to sort this out, and I keep returning to hormones.
At my age if I wait until I'm positive I'm afraid I'll be to old, and without the energy to do anything about it.

I really appreciate all the comments. You all have given me much food for thought.

Ehm.. Maybe another take on this:
If you áre transgender, you may cross-dress with the motive of feeling more feminine. Taking hormones makes you feel content, more yourself; more feminine. With this, the need to prove yourself feminine by dressing up feminine might dissipate; it might simply diminish the urge to put on women's clothing, because it takes away some of the need to prove yourself (to yourself).

Me; I'm still sitting at the uni-sex clothes stage, and when I get some spare cash, I'm going to try my luck buying some cheap women's clothes. (The shoes are what worries me most, though.. I'm júst out of normal women's size, and shoes are expensive enough as it is... Luckily, army boots go well with skirts. )
But.. I'm also a bit of a tomboy, really. Yes; I like skirts and dresses, but I like them to have at least a bit of a roughness to them. Not neat and shiny, please. ^_^
I don't know, but the thoughts of dressing like a woman might become less pressing if I were to be on hormones.. Because at the moment, I'm driven mostly by insecurity. There's nothing sexual about it.