I am getting ready to send off a letter via email to my parents regarding my own struggles with being transgender and a little a little history surrounding the events.  I'm looking for some feedback and opinions.  I apologize in advance for the length of the letter, but it could have been much longer ahd I not revised it already for the umptenth time and tried to minimize it and be as concise as possible.

So, if you could please take a few moments, read over it, and indulge me with some open and honest feedback, I'd be forever grateful.  Thank you in advance for those who share.

Take care, happy reading, and hugs to all - Jenni

My Letter to My Parents

5/26/2010

Dear Mom & Dad,

This letter has been a longtime in the works, in my mind at least, and it's something I should have talked or written you about quite some time ago (probably years ago). At this point, I don't even really know where to begin. Thinking about it all, writing this letter now is perhaps easier than it would have been months or even years ago if only for the fact that I've already disclosed to you some of the information contained throughout this letter and therefore I guess my hope is the shock value might be diminished to a small degree. That being said though, you've also raised me to not be naïve and overlook the significance of the issues at hand. I am aware and well-versed in knowing some of what I write in this letter may still come across as startling, confusing, upsetting, maybe surprising, but at the same time will hopefully enlighten and bring some knowledge. My overall hope is you'll keep an open mind, read through the entire letter, note questions you may have, and most importantly - talk with me about it all.

Even now as I begin, this is hard for me to type into words for you to read, but I must get this out. In this letter, I will attempt to cover as much as possible without making it into the length of short novel. My hope is to be descriptive, yet intentionally vague in some areas if for no other reason than to generate the possibility of asking questions. The unfortunate reality may end up being some experiences aren't felt in their totality or were left out altogether. My goal is to give a glimpse into what I have dealt with, not for remorsefulness, but for comprehension and understanding.

Both of you I'm sure are well aware of my recent transgressions into cross-dressing and the personal issues I've experienced with regards to my marriage dating back over the last several (5+) years. What you may or may not know is the history pre-dating this recent timeframe and also the current clinical diagnosis for the condition I have struggled with since adolescents. No matter your knowledge of the situation, I will try to bring everything to the forefront.

My earliest recollection of cross-dressing started when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I don't specifically recall the exact age nor do I know the feelings largely surrounding why. At that young age, and for many years thereafter, I tried my best to keep it hid for a multitude of reasons. The biggest reason being the fear associated with a lack of knowledge about why I was doing it and what it all meant. Back then, resources such as the internet didn't exist and/or were very undeveloped, and then take in account my young age and limited ability to have referenced anything of this nature and you see my difficulty. To use the resources at a library would have been difficult if not impossible without "coming out" to an adult who could have assisted in knowing specific terms or words to have referenced. Plus, overall I was just too scared to ask or talk with anyone and I feared the ridicule and rejection that sometimes comes with being perceived as a cross-dresser. Little did I know, cross-dressing at this age was just a prelude to other things.

You may ask why I would dress up, why did I want to feel this way ... was it for a sexual release? I will honestly state it was never, ever for a sexual release/fetish of any nature. So then, why? Honestly, speaking from my heart, I would dress up to satisfy feelings I had of wanting to look, feel and be like a girl. I know that may sound strange or weird, it used to even for me, but I've had years to process it now and come to accept this side of me. I've also come to realize the issue of cross-dressing in its original infancy was far more complex and integrated with other things in my life than I could have ever imagined.

All the years growing up and up until about 2003, the dressing up and female feelings had been fairly periodic over time. They would come and go without much distress or interruption in my life. I had never tried to analyze the feelings and figure out what everything meant. I never attempted to put any definitions or terms to what I was dealing with. I did everything I could my entire life up to this point, to conceal and hide this from everyone. This routine had been okay for a long, long time. I think a lot of my stress and anxiety over the years has been tied to suppressing the feelings within myself, and thus allowing the inner turmoil to continue. Late in 2003, the feelings of wanting to dress and be female started becoming overwhelming and self-consuming. Dressing up wasn't enough to contain the feelings and satisfy the girl within. There was something more, I needed to find out why I was experiencing the feelings and was there anything I could do to contain or stop them or better yet, was there a "cure".

So, in early 2004, I began researching the internet, various libraries and myriad of book stores for answers. The amount and variety of information available was incredible. Some of the information was very relevant and spot-on while some was misleading. By late 2004, I had enough information to draw my own conclusions. At this point, I needed to do two things. I needed to find a therapist to verify and confirm my conclusions and I needed to talk with Tricia. Well, everything blew up just prior to doing either of these things. Tricia discovered my longtime secret and confronted me immediately with an outrage of yelling and screaming. She assumed it was an affair. I assured her outright it wasn't. I told her my honest thoughts that I might be "transgendered". She assumed that meant I was "gay", because why else would a man wear women's clothing and having feelings of being female. I said I was not "gay", had never had any gay relations and that I wasn't interested in men. These statements and many others since have fallen on deaf ears.

At this point, Tricia said I needed to seek professional help and I agreed. I was hoping deep down that my predetermined self-diagnosis was incorrect and that a good therapist could convince me otherwise, possibly even "curing" me of wanting to dress as a female and the feminine feelings. I bounced around to a couple of different (non-gender) therapists over the following months. Neither worked out because their specialties were in marriage and family therapy and not gender issues. Also, Tricia had made it clear more than once, the issues weren't hers to deal with and there wouldn't be any resolve to the marriage until my gender issues were dealt with solely by me.

A few months later, I started seeing a gender psychologist/therapist named Karol Jensen. We clicked right from the start. With her, I didn't feel judged for having gender issues, but rather comforted and reassured. She recognized the immense stress I was carrying by concealing these gender issues for so long and encouraged me to let my inner "girl" come out. Karol assured me the feelings weren't abnormal or as uncommon, as some might be making them out to be. She encouraged me develop a sense of self and to be honest with myself and those most important in my life. We shared quite a bit of information. Early in 2006, I received her professional diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder (GID) or Gender Dysphoria. She described my position at the time as most likely being somewhere along the continuum beyond "just" a crossdresser, but not to the point of being someone who might be considered a "transsexual" or someone who was going to be changing their sex in the immediate future. I agreed with her assessment. She acknowledged how knowledgeable and intelligent I was regarding "transgender" topics as a whole and complimented me for having become educated & done research. She also began stressing the importance of self-acceptance, and communicating what I was dealing with to Tricia and both of you. Our sessions hit a roadblock at this point. Deep down I was scared of the self-acceptance and I also knew Tricia would never come to terms with accepting me as being "transgender". I was unsure of your reactions as well and it was just too much to process. Having confirmed my self-diagnosis and not ready for the next steps, I paused our sessions in an effort to slow things down and put everything into perspective.

About a year after our appointments were paused, actually in April of 2008, I finally came to truly accept myself deep down as being transgendered and I was okay with it. I didn't know at this point where things were headed in the future, but I did know I could no longer continue hiding the "girl" side and that she was a part of me. I needed to get to know and become more familiar with her. At this stage, I returned to therapy, started seeing a trans-friendly doctor, did some consultations for electrology (facial hair removal), and chose a female name among other things.

In therapy, my therapist asked for a progress update of events from our paused break. Then we started working on where things were headed and she asked me to put together a timeline of events from the past to the current day period and also detail what I thought or knew about future possible events. We titled it a "transition timeline", which really compiled everything together. The reflection it created of my life to-date made me become very emotional, to the point of crying at times. During these sessions, I also crossed a milestone of sorts with regards to "gate-keeper" kept information. She approved a letter to begin Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) if and when I was ready for this step. I have yet to start any hormones, but being honest, I have considered it.

I found a new doctor through a website (www.mntranshealth.org) here in Minnesota specializing in transgender health care. The website has a provider directory with resources available ranging from Family Practice Doctors, Surgeons, Mental Health Professionals, Electrolysis, and much more. Initially I went to this doctor to treat a sinus infection, but I also disclosed to her right from the start that I was transgendered and that this was one of my primary reason for coming to see her of all possible doctors I could have choosen. After the first appointment, I went back a month or so later for a complete physical and blood work to establish base line hormone levels in case I started HRT. At this visit, I was diagnosis with high blood pressure (HBP). She started me on a medication called "spironolactone or spiro", which has a primary use for congestive heart failure and HBP, but also has additional benefits for transgender patients. The additional benefits of this medicine are that it works as an anti-androgen, meaning it blocks testosterone (T) and its conversion to DHT, thus eventually lowering T levels. It's a very common medicine used in transgender people. I took this medicine for about four months before getting scared again and switching to an alternate BP medicine. Currently I have switched back to this medication at a very low dosage through doctors care.

During this same time, I also did consultations appointments and sample treatments for facial hair removal with three local electrology therapists. I found these electrologists through the phone book and also some friendly references. I had selected one in the fall of 2008 that I was going to start with, but due to financial constraints, never proceeded. Someday, my hopes are to do this if for no other reason than to not have to shave ever again

In August of that year, I also decided on a female name to define my feminine side. This may be difficult for you to read, but the name I chose for myself is Jennifer Elizabeth. Last name would remain the same as I could never give that up out of respect. I realize and understand full well that knowing this information may put you in an uncomfortable position with regards to our relationship, but please know I am still the same person as I have always been. I am not changing my name tomorrow or even anytime in the near future, rather this name is an outward expression of the girl within and I use this name to define me as a person.

In many of the previous paragraphs, I made mention of some terms you probably are not completely familiar with. I am going to try to provide some information & definitions of these terms for your knowledge along with a few additional useful terms. Please note, the definition I have provided for "Transgender" is compilation of several definitions available to which I blended together to give what I feel is a more accurate and complete description that fully compromises the entirety of the term.
Transgender (TG): An umbrella term used to describe people whose gender identity (sense of themselves as male or female) or gender expression differs from that usually associated with their birth sex. The word "umbrella" means it encompasses crossdressers (CD), transsexuals (TS), transvestites (TV) and others.  Medical professionals commonly acknowledge this term as a Gender Identity Disorder (GID) according to their diagnostic manual known as the DSM-IV.
Gender Identity is how a person sees themselves socially, their self-awareness or fundamental sense of themselves as being masculine or feminine, and male or female, or some combination of both, or neither (androgynously).
Sexual Identity is how a person sees themselves physically: male, female, or in between.
Sexual Orientation is whom a person is romantically/erotically attracted too.  Opposite (hetro), same (homo), or both (bi).
Male-toFemale (MtF) identifies a male born person who sees themselves as partly to fully feminine.
Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT): A process of taking sex-related hormones (ie: estrogen and testosterone).

I know this diagnosis and much of this information might create some disbelief, but please know this is something that has been building and dwelling within me for many, many years. I've struggled with this all through my adolescents and teenage years, through dating, into college and thereafter my career, and obviously even today while being married & having a family – and possibly even ruining that. It's important for you to know that there is no "blame" in any of this, nor is there any "cure" so-to-speak-of. None of this has anything to do with how I was raised or the environment I was raised in, with either of you, or anyone else in my life for that matter. You may ask yourself a lot of questions and maybe beat yourself up looking for answers, but I encourage you to ask those questions of me rather than tread down the endless road of soul searching. Trust me, I've done enough of it to this point for everyone concerned.

I want to express my love to you both. You raised me to be an independent person with an aptitude for understanding, compassion and caring toward others. We've always had a good relationship, probably better than most, and for that I am truly grateful. You've been supportive of me through the years no matter what and I hope that will continue through everything I have shared. I hope that you understand regardless of my gender and presentation, I am still me and whatever changes come will simply better reflect the person I am inside. I also hope that my gender will not be a barrier in our relationship, and that you'll continue to accept me for who I a truly am. I have no illusions about what my life will be going forward, or all that I stand to lose or gain along the way, but I do know through all the pain so far that I am happier and a more content person.

I love you both very much no matter how you deal with all this, that will never change!

Respectively and with love,

Me

Very well written and articulate. You've presented the facts of your history and situation very well. It does lack a certain 'emotional' aspect of, but emotions can sometimes get overwhelming anyway.

I think it's really nice. I hope your parents are understanding and loving.
~Jasmine

Very well done, Jennifer.  It includes some facts for them.  When they ask questions that you can not answer, you might direct them to a resource material such as "True Selves" by Mildred Brown.

I wish you all the luck with your parents and that they accept you for you with open and loving arms.

Hey there, fellow Minnesota girl!

That's an awesome letter. But it's also a pretty weighty read. You know your parents better than anyone here, so that might be completely appropriate.

The approach I took was a little different. I sent a kind of "bare bones" coming out letter. Then, after the initial shock had passed, I sent a second letter filling in a lot of the details and life experiences from my perspective. That suited my situation because my parents were NOT expected to be cool about the transition (and that expectation proved to be true), so we needed to concentrate on the basics before we filled in the rest. I didn't want them isolating some random anecdote and blowing it into some inappropriate "gotcha!" thing.

Your situation may not be similar. And your letter is really good. But just keep in mind that, if this is the first they're learning of this, their initial reaction is almost certainly going to be one of shock. And shocked people don't digest details or context very well.

Good luck!

I would agree with Diana -- if you're not sure how your parents will react, or if you expect a non-positive reaction, it might be best to send a shorter letter first, and get into more details depending on how the initial reaction goes.

Thank you to all of who have responded so far, I greatly appreciate your comments.

To Janet ... I was thinking about adding some resources such as that particular book to end for reference along with some possible websites.  I have read the book Trueselves a couple of times now and it is a great tool, one I highly recommend to others as well.

If anyone can think of some additional books or website to use for reference, your suggestions would awesomes.

To Diana (nice to meet another Minnesota girl as well, where are you from?) & Ketsy ... thank you for your concern about possibly being too strong.  This isn't the first my parents have been introduced to this part of me though.  I've spent many hours crying over the phone and somewhat in person to my mom at least about these "coming out" issues.  My wife through some of our fights, has forced my hand to a certain extent about outing myself. It was something I was in the process of doing anyways so it wasn't as big of a big as it may have been made to be, but the emotions got the better part of me. So in short, my parents are aware of my  of these issues, but they are somewhat in denial about the significance of the cross-gender-dressing and what it all means. I have told them a few times that I am transgender, but they keep coming back to it's simply cross-dressing in it's simpliest of terms with the feminine feelings & desires, so this is my way to maybe put an exclamation point to it all that it's much more. Plus, my parents have been very understanding and accepting to-date and hopefully this will only further some much needed dialogue between us.

Thanks again and hugs to all,

Jenni

As far as resources, Jenni, PFLAG does have some nice, easy to read pamphlets.  You can get them over the internet, or you can go to a meeting if you have a chapter near you that is active.

Good luck!


Jay

Quote from: JenniferR on May 27, 2010, 08:26:41 AM
This isn't the first my parents have been introduced to this part of me though.  I've spent many hours crying over the phone and somewhat in person to my mom at least about these "coming out" issues.  My wife through some of our fights, has forced my hand to a certain extent about outing myself. It was something I was in the process of doing anyways so it wasn't as big of a big as it may have been made to be, but the emotions got the better part of me. So in short, my parents are aware of my  of these issues, but they are somewhat in denial about the significance of the cross-gender-dressing and what it all means. I have told them a few times that I am transgender, but they keep coming back to it's simply cross-dressing in it's simpliest of terms with the feminine feelings & desires, so this is my way to maybe put an exclamation point to it all that it's much more. Plus, my parents have been very understanding and accepting to-date and hopefully this will only further some much needed dialogue between us.

Jenni,

In that case the length and detail sound appropriate. I sent my parents something similar a few months after the coming out letter. It seemed to help them accept things better (if still not as well as I'd hoped).

I hope it goes well for you!

Diana

(p.s. I work in Minneapolis and live in the near-north metro.)

I can really relate to how you use the word "self-consuming." I have never used that word to describe my GID, but now it feels like it fits so well.  I takes a lot out of me, which I can't share with anyone in my personal life.

Your letter was beautifully and brilliantly written... I really loved it.  I wish you the best of luck on this journey, and some day I hope to write my feels as well as you did.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the kind words. I tried hard to bring the main points across without going into great detail, thus allowing to further ask questions. I had one suggestion to add some information about my kids and their grandkids, which I have done but won't repost because it really doesn't change the overall message.

I am sending this out next Monday or Tuesday because I want to have the weekend to rest on it and see if re-reading it after a couple of days changes any of the meaning or statements contained throughout it. I have no fear though about sending it because it needs to be done and I think it will be a crucial step in furthering my transition in the bear future.

To Diana ... My hope is it helps them understand better everything I've dealt with and am feeling. My dad is my large concern because I am his only child and namesake, but he's also pretty understanding once things get past the exterior and he has some time to process. I think he'll be okay. So we'll see. Also, sounds like were kinda close... I live in the north metro too (Blaine to be exact) and work in St. Paul near Harriet Island. I'd definitely like to get to know you better and maybe go out sometime together.  I am on yahoo alot and if you use that, my messenger id and email is jenniferrichmond04@yahoo.com if you'd like to look me up.

Thanks again to all and ~~hugs~~,

Jenni

Sounds silly, but have you considered hand writing the letter? It adds a personal touch and it's also something they can keep and read as and when.

Otherwise it's good if a little long...but the letter I drafted to send to my parents was quite epic, so I can't really say anything on those lines. hehe