I agree it is quiet. And is my way, I offer some noise in the form of a monolithic prose-olithic possibly ridiculously long post.
Q: Are you an androgyne?
A:
Yes. Definitely. Maybe. Beyond doubt. I have to be or something is terribly wrong?
Growing up I was always considered weird or eccentric, artistic. As such as a young child, at least through grammar school into junior high (7-8), a highly active creative imagination in a somewhat conservative, some might say repressed small town environment sort of masked out any notion of sexuality as I was coming of age; and gender, well how is that different than sexuality? Playing with the neighbor girls seemed natural and went unquestioned. I had guy friends as well, but they were either the geeky or otherwise creatively minded. Around the macho boy boys, I either simply
felt inadequate, or was actually told I was inadequate, "Quit being such a wuss and jump off that cliff!" On numerous occasions I would find myself uncontrollaby drawn to try on my mother's clothes. But then I also collected Star Wars figures and really liked Indiana Jones. I hated baseball, yet was expected to play, though kind of enjoyed soccer. Apart from some atypical social interests and an emotional quality uncommon to most boys my age, I just kind of lived as a boy, was being trained culturally as a boy, but, what about that girly clothing thing? What about these thoughts and emotions NOBODY wants to talk about. Even the simple stuff, like why the white people don't hang out with the black people. We just don't talk about those things. Heck, I have always been reasonably well liked, maybe not the most popular, and even had girl friends off and on since kindergarten (started with a dare a kiss and the steps in front of the elementary school). My great grandpa once told me that I would make the prettiest girl. No reason to think anything isn't normal, even my anormality was normal in the context of just having an imagination, or at least that is what everybody kept telling me. And we certainly didn't talk about getting caught wearing moms clothes, at least not to me, not anyone except my parents arguing about whether they should do something, "its not normal." But we never talk about things like that, he's just got a vivid imagination, he's creative. Common sense said especially never to ever talk about that time you and the other little boy had your pants down in the woods. Never talk about that, don't even think about it, you were just little kids.
Junior high into intermediate highschool (9-10) things began changing. It turns out to be a rough small town, full of close minded hickish types. I take up skateboarding and begin to learn about fashion. It was the 80's, Howard Jones was a short term idol of mine, his dramatic mohawk styled hair cut and exciting fashion called to me. I learned about fashion, but still no concept of expressing yourself otherwise. It was the time of Some Kind of Wonderful, Flesh for Lulu, Adam Ant, Culture Club, I was falling into a new world, my favorite outfit consisted of baggy black jeans tapered at the ankles pinstriped in a faint gray with white t-shirt and a pink v-neck sweater (it was the 80's) rounded out with asymetrical long banged haircut and plaid converse high tops. Cross dressing? What's that? It's the 80's and we have FASHION! That is until you learn the word ->-bleeped-<- as it is bellowed out to you across streets after school or whispered under the breath of metal heads as they accidentally knock into you, discrete prison style, in wood shop. ->-bleeped-<-? I don't even know what that means yet, so just pass the eye liner and put on the pop music. Bear in mind of course this was also the time or RATT and Motley Crue, but I'm the only one wearing eye liner, aparently you need to be in a rock band to dress like a, what was the word, ->-bleeped-<-. Eventually you have to actually physically fight with these people before they would leave you alone, you have to
prove that you are real man. And for what, because I like fashion? Of course I don't even look that boy in the eye when I see him around school, the one from the woods, and he doesn't acknowledge me, and the beat goes on. I don't think about that memory everytime I think about it, we were just kids.
Enter a small music store downtown and buy two cassette tapes that seem interesting, The Doors, and John Lennon w/b-side featuring Yoko Ono. I leave the 80's and enter a 60's rennaisance in my mind, hippy skateboarder 80's freak. Life just seems perfect. But this word ->-bleeped-<- just won't go away, and why do women's fashion magazines and catalogs seem so appealing? Floating high (on life) finding enlightenment, giving peace a chance, start writing a manifesto on life, developing a seemingly idyllic and unshakeable world view, a post-modern gypsy, you turn to art and the intellectual and avoid thoughts of the sexual. Then the mugging, the assualt. The two metal heads that confronted you, held your arms and took swings at your face, stole your skateboard. The world got just a little bit darker, that light airy world begins to slip away. Suddenly the 80's don't seem so fun, the lyrics get darker, enter this "new" thing, punk rock. Now feeling angry, and succumbing to it, years go by and I know nothing except angst and existential frustration that nobody seems capable or even interested in discussing, learn of politics and conspiracy from questionable pop culture sources. I am angry punk rock boy. I dare you to call me a ->-bleeped-<-. Fortunately I was conditioned to be man.
Time passes, I slowly mellow, and a broader emotional world opens up again, inside, sort of, but it is different, I am different. It took that many years to learn I was a man now, however stunted in actual maturity, I learned to conceal my emotions better, except anger, which as a man I was always allowed to show. Don't tell anyone that you really like chick flicks and everything will be okay, after all you still like adventure films for the most part. (It would be many years before learning about a phenomena called the art film and that drama meant more than "not comedy"). I was a man, and you can't wear women's clothes anymore, that's unnatural, push that away, you cannot feel pretty. You cannot feel, or they will know. Move farther into art, abstract your feelings, never express them.
The odd and "alternative" girlfriends pass through my life. One wanted to be intimate, very sensual, I was always very sensual, but she didn't want to have sex, just dry hump, rub on me, with soft material, like panties in between us. Despite recognizing that the whole situation was just too strange, red flag city, unhealthy and that I should run, I suggested I just wear the panties instead. I was still a ->-bleeped-<- and she turned out to be lesbian. Another girlfriend, who used to have a girlfriend of her own, bi-sexual, what's that? This relationship, though messed up in a general late teens that do a lot of hallucinogens sort of way, was healthy in many other ways. Lot's of communication. Very sensual, lot's of sex. And though not necessarily overjoyed by my crossdressing, did enjoy and encourage it to a certain degree. Lingerie in private, leggings in public. Very open, as open as we could be given our histories and age. We discussed our mutual (however exclusive) homosexual interests. She tried to help, that time when she bought the, y'know, and she did it to me, the exploration, the added confusion, repressed shame. More time on your own, hiding what you've come to recognize as a cross dressing problem, a ->-bleeped-<- problem. Acting more macho to conceal, creating more confusion. So much confusion, drugs, and that one time, needing to go to the gay bar, to be with a man, needing to know if you are gay, getting intimate, enjoying it, and then hating yourself, everything about you, knowing you couldn't even tell this boy that was kissing you, holding you, that you like wearing womens' clothes, running out, running away, and not looking back.
Then meeting someone new, someone special, a true princess. The first truly healthy relationship in all ways imaginable. Finally learning growing moving in some actual direction, focusing, giving, taking, sharing, living. There is a more mature openness. Somehow that discussion, about sex and gender, and the confusion. But the support, the understanding, the willingness to share and work through it, experiment, explore, without going so far, not too extreme. The unthinkable had happened, this girl, didn't judge, didn't want to exploit, wasn't threatened, and she told me, "it's okay." She helped me to understand that I wasn't a freak, maybe less common, but I was something special, I just happened to have emotions and a sensuality that I should embrace and understand, accept. I guess it was easier for her than me, but at any rate we grew apart for different reasons, as our career and life goals began to diverge. My first completely healthy break-up. But it was the closest I had come yet to an understanding, to balance.
Since then, after all of this, I have waivered, wondered, wandered, doubted, asserted, and generally tried to make sense of that timeless question, "Who Am I?" Cross dresser said too much and not enough, I was a boy who just happened to feel things like a girl might, and yeah the fashion was cool, but I'm a boy. But then the confused sexuality, enjoying the company of women, yet some strange sexual attraction to men, am I gay? Mix back in the cross dressing, maybe I am a transexual, a woman trapped in a man's body.
I've most commonly thought of myself as a feminine alpha male, or a man who has the mind of a women's rights activist, or sometimes just David Bowie/ziggy stardust attempting to infuse that twisted sexuality, contorted vagaries of gender into an expression of art, but it always seemed to little and too abstract, too futile. I've been conditioned to know how to act like a man, how to "control" a situation and "lead" like a man, but my emotional side often causes problems (my first reaction is often to cry when things get really bad, but then I just buck up like I was taught, and get R dun), and I tend to want to be extremely diplomatic and make sure everyone "feels" good about themselves. I like things to be pretty, cute, clean, and orderly, but have also become very accustomed to being gruf, serious, messy, and chaotic. Sometimes I just want someone else to be in control, but my conditioning rears up reminding me of how weak you would be to let someone else be in charge.
So in summary, I'm either schizophrenic bi-polar, or a mal-adjusted androgyne. I hope someday a well adjusted androgyne.
Q: If yes, have you considered SRS? Why?
A:
No. Yes. No. Yes, but not seriously.
Through my extremely confusing, action packed life, I have often wondered about what it would like to be a woman, if only to explain away the most glaring problem of wanting to have the prettiest dress at the dance. In these imaginings, however seriously I tried to take them, I just couldn't see it. While not always comfortable with the entirety of my being, I guess I have never really wanted to actually be a woman. I just wanted the chatty girl talk, in some way I wanted someone to hold me and comfort me like I had held and comforted others, I wanted it to be okay to hug people, but I didn't not want to be me, however postmodern and juxtaposed a boy that might be.
Like others on these forums I had seriously considered and pondered whether there was such a thing as low dosage hormones that would just soften the features and reduce unwanted hair growth (and maybe manifest some missing hair). I have never wanted breasts and I wouldn't want to impede my existing sexual functionality. I like my member if you know what I mean. But apart from thoughts about hormones in an attempt to attain a physical balance to match the mental state, and the occasional letting of the mind to wander for fun and consideration, no I've never seriously considered SRS.
Q: What long-standing features, if any, have you changed to live a more Androgynous lifestyle?
A:
While not the most important, clothing is the most obvious and most fun and thus will start there. For most of my life, I have always worn androgynous male clothing and styles, what has come to be referred to as metrosexual. I love pink, but otherwise stick mostly to earth-tone colors (some latant passion for the natural world), but have been trying to get more comfortable with bright colors. I have always worn skirts (excepting the aforementioned punk rock/angry/denial phase), though for most of my life, this was always tempered with otherwise masculine attire (the eccentric artist type rearing its head again). Various skirts of various styles ranging from simple jean skirts to slightly flowery a line with a hint of ruffle or flair, but matched with a hip t-shirt and converse or some such non-sense. Privately I would venture much farther though, adding blouses and cute shoes, stockings maybe. It was always about a certain sensuality, a depth of texture and sensation that could express in some way what was going on inside, feeling cute or sensitive or some other emotion an all male persona should not recognize. No matter how feminine the ensemble though, never the wig, hint of makeup maybe, but honestly it never really occurred to me that I was trying to be a woman. I did however, despite not ever wanting breasts, like wearing a bra, pretty lacey bras or camisoles, they seemed more like a fashion accessory than anything I was striving towards. And of course with a bra there must be a matching panty. But as I realized I didn't want breasts the bra phased out of the wardrobe for the most part. I tried to continue finding at least the pretty panties, but the prettiest luxury panties rarely fit well, considering my masculine attributes. As a hippy-gypsy type I had for years not worn any underwear at all. After collecting an assortment of panties most of which were not actually wearable and throwing them away, I sought out mens underwear that had the qualities I like in panties. I have found some and wear those occasionally, but what is so wonderful about women's clothes, when they fit well, is their delicacy, comfort, and lastly their style (which sometimes entails foregoing some of the comfort aspects), and often men's underwear and clothing in general, tends to be bulky and unstylish in a way that women's clothing and intimates are not. Thus when wearing underwear at all I have ended up finding a line of Vasarrette bikinis and hipsters that fit perfectly with my male anatomy, offer a hint of femininity, and cost a lot less than designer men's underwear. I almost exclusively wear women's socks mainly for the color and style selection. I will coordinate socks, shirt, and panties color or pattern-wise perhaps as some kind of homage to the matching bra and panty phenomena I have no ability to do. I sometimes sleep wearing some comfy feminine lounge wear or silky teddy (anything that was cute, comfortable, and didn't require big breasts). In later years, I attempted to go out to a drag bar in LA, in a desperate attempt to find peers; cute strappy green dress, spiffy black heels, impeccable makeup, slightly coifed "real" hair with headband, shaved and smooth as a babies bottom, but somehow the genderqueer androgyne thing didn't seem to go over to well (even there it seemed as though breasts and extremely feminine everything were requisites), transexuals and crossdressers, but not androgynes. Even the bouncer who escorted me from the parking lot (this whole story worthy of its own post) mentioned that they have a boutique and could help me, "look like a real woman." Despite being dressed stylishly and somewhat attractively as a cross dressed genderqueer male, it wasn't enough even where I thought I would find a home. Thus, most of my "serious" cross dressing has always occurred at home or at social functions with close friends. Otherwise, as I have already mentioned, I would be what could be considered genderqueer, or in the vulgate, a gender->-bleeped-<-. Mixing male and female attire as mood, and confidence, would allow.
I shave, well, I used to shave, now I epilate, and I am much happier with the results. While having not maintained zero body hair religiously throughout my life, I have been hairless more often than not, especially after discovering the epilator. Shaving was great, so smooth, but that lasted part of the day, then, while you the appearance of smooth skin remained for a couple of days, that stubble you could feel would be back, and you had to shave again, and in the winter the hairs were darker. On the legs this was no big deal, but the arms and chest, oh my, it was just too much, too often, and more noticeable as it was growing in than I wanted to deal with. I tried every nair, nads, and revolutionary orange oil out there and nothing really worked or seemed worth the trouble. But the epilater, while yes it does hurt a little, leaves skin smooth for a long time, and what grows back is soft, feels more natural, and especially on my arms and chest looks more natural even if I let the hair start growing back some. Depending on the seasons, and or particular fashions I may be choosing to wear at the time, I may let my chest hair fill in, but can't really fathom hair on my arms and legs ever. Though I have not always been comfortable with shaved legs and arms, I have found that it requires far less explanation and raises far less curiosity than I would have suspected.
I definitely shape the eye brows, not wildly thin, arched, and feminine but slightly thin, arched, and feminine. At the very least I ensure that there are always two distinctly separate and reasonably contained eye brows. Occasionally, out and about, I will wear a little eye liner and some lip gloss (but I think that I just like the flavored kind
). Though never at work.
I have pierced ears, doubles in both ears, and an upper ear piercing that closed (was misplaced anyway by not so great mall piercing outlet). Day to day I just wear decorative hoops I purchased in the Yucatan. I have some variously (over)sized hoops I wear, that are more feminine (or at least not overtly masculine) that I'll wear out and about just to shake things up. I love dangly earrings but have rarely worn them in any androgyne way, as they just seem to much, except for when I'm venturing more to the feminine side of the spectrum and for all intents and purposes cross dressing.
On random occasions, especially since finding Susan's (I'm somehow stronger and more emboldened these days), I wear complete female outfits, in contrast to my usual genderbending mixing women's pants or blouses or shoes with other male attire), but this is still so androgynous on the whole that most people don't really notice anymore than the regular genderbending. Though I often now relaxing or working around the house, at friendly functions, and on little jaunts to the store will find myself in a stunningly cute outfit, maybe a peasant blouse with loose flowing gauchos, or even a dress (that doesn't require breasts--Ross is a godsend). With friends I will often dress far more "outrageously", going to shows or movies or whatever, than if I were running errands around town alone. I often wonder if it would just be easier if I would cross dress completely, breasts, wig, etc... A feminized David Bowie (ziggy stardust/mandress era) may be more difficult for people to accept.
For the most part though, I have a present in a fairly masculine appearance (though for obvious reasons I discuss the feminine aspects more here at Susan's). Men's Jeans or jean shorts, some kind of nice button down shirt (I have mostly eschewed the t-shirt) and a pair of metrosexualish dress tennis shoes. Though my favorite bottoms right now are a pair of capri jeans, pedal pushers I think they are called with the folded up cuffs, and I wear them every other day practically. I tend towards the casual for everyday, but when dressing up in men's attire tends to be limited to a nice dress shirt (top button always unbottoned), fancy italian shoes, maybe a blazer, but always with men's jeans. I wear men's dress slacks only under duress when work demands it. Though I favor the styles and cuts of women's slacks, I am convinced that if I had the money to buy high-end men's tailored fashions I could also find style that I like in men's slacks. Off the shelf men's clothing tends to lack any flair.
Sexually I am comfortable with my ahem, manliness. I still question my sexuality though, leaving it at bi-sexual, attracted to women, but also at least sexually attracted to men. While I could point at many causes and reasons, I tend to think I want an emotional/sensual relationship with a woman and an intensely physical relationship with a man. Though some part of me is sure that there is another androgyne/genderqueer male somewhere that would fit both requirements. We can dream.
While I love talking fashion and sex I would say it is my mental and spiritual being that creates any sense of androgeny, and perhaps the attraction even to feminine clothing at all, in an effort to somehow express outwardly those inward feelings (oh who am I kidding I love the style and variety
). As I also mentioned, however abstract, I
believe my feelings and compassion towards other people fall into what I consider my androgyne traits. Professionally, especially in my current industry, expressing understanding or compassion towards other people is not considered necessary. I work in a heavily male dominated industry that tends to be on the sexist side. I don't like sports, I don't like cars, and I don't get a kick out of making fun of the people around me as entertainment. Sadly I find these are common traits in the most manly of
masculine men. Simply expressing gratitude or appreciation can often be perceived in a masculine enviroment as weakness. And whatever anyway about the percieved need to be
strong all the time. I like talking to people about their lives, learning who they are, what they believe, what their goals and dreams are. I love it when I can offer advice and suggestions that might help them in their lives. When situations get flummoxed I like to figure out ways to peacefully reconcile them. I appreciate gentleness and thoughtfullness. I am very sensitive to the emotional states of the people around me. While none of this is necessarily feminine, at it's extreme, these characteristics are part of what take me to center in the gender spectrum.
But on the other hand, I can never really forget or get rid of that childhood conditioning, being trained by life to be a man. I can be controlling, demanding, a real alpha male. When necessary, I can be as commanding a leader as is necessary to take care of stress and problems and crisis as the need arises. Worst of all, I can be mean, and even manipulative. When you must survive in mans world, sometimes you have to fight like a man, or at least that is what is left of my conditioning. And while these characteristics might not necessarily be all masculine, they are the traits I see that lean me slightly off center, back towards what my birth sex dictated. Sadly, and often, my feelings, my gut reaction, my true desires are sabotaged by that manly conditioning. I fight often the struggle to subvert my own true intentions with what is automatic response from the alpha male inside.
Q: Are there any you still retain, and are you considering changing them?
A:
As I just mentioned, the mean controlling aspects of my personality would be some of what I retain, some of what I feel keep me at odds mentally with who I seem to be physically. Be they masculine or feminine, I would like to continue to foster a life that is gentle, compassionate, giving, productive and healthy. At least for me, the alpha male traits, that may or may not stem from testosterone levels and cultural conditioning, are what stand between my mental wiring and peace of mind, and wholeness. I would love to feel comfortable comfortable wearing feminine styles of clothing anytime and anyplace I chose, I understand that isn't entirely realistic, I don't want to be a woman and the world doesn't seem to get the gender spectrum thing. When I feel soft and pretty, or just peaceful and gentle (or heck even sassy), I hope that I can find a way to express that through my appearance, and doing that with culturally feminine accessories helps. But the clothes are far less important than reaching a place where my actions match my beliefs entirely. I'm not always sure whether that is a question of masculine/feminine, but it certainly seems to be part of the issue. Most imporantly though, I would like to overcome the stoic masculine emotionless thing that I have fostered and allowed to fester in me, that so often overtakes the passion, the compassion, and the desire to give and spread joy, even say a kind word, instead of remaining silent. I am on a journey and I have a lot of work ahead of me.
Having lived a somewhat artistic life, my androgeny has either been incorporated into my expression (however abstract) or justified by it. I published a zine for a while, produced experimental theater, dabbled in painting and music, and am still pushing to become a quality fiction writer. Because of this I think any gender schizophrenia I have ever exhibited has always been easily accepted or at least rationalized by friends. And though I have attained acceptance from friends, I have not quite found true personal acceptance, and certainly continue to trouble over my unstable, unbinary gender identity in part due to a continue knowledge that I will likely never be accepted for who I am by the public at large. Even with every post here at Susan's I think with a blink of terror, what happens if I actually get my novel published and it is actually good, and I actually end up with any kind of noteriety, and they find out about me, about all the revealing things I said here, and then I stop. And that fear and uncertainty is likely the most important thing, that may or may not have anything to do with masculine/feminine, but something more entirely human, that I hope to someday learn to deal with, live with, and when I do to hopefully help others do the same.
Laurie, thank you much for the topic, and for sharing. I've been poking in and out wanting to jump back in here, but never quite saw the right opportunity. But after reading everyone's post on this topic the emotions just started flowing. I'm not sure that I stayed entirely on topic, but hopefully the sharing is useful to someone. My only real sadness right now is that I don't have any of you here near me, so we can talk in person, share, hug, because it's okay and necessary.
I must say I am really impressed about the beard and the gender bending. I never mixed in more than a slight goatee, and I must admit that I am liking facial hair less and less right now.
I especially enjoy these topics where people really start sharing a little deeper. Thank you everyone.
Kendra, yet another superb, clear, and open post. Having read your posts here and around the forums I am extremely fascinated by you.
Stevie, keep on being you, and I am so happy that you have someone in your life that you can share with. Oh and as a side note, despite whatever everyone said about not getting a sexual thrill from cross dressing I gather from the addendum to your post that your androgynous nature certainly offers something in the bedroom, and only hope that you take the cross dressing there from time to time
.
Louise, I am always glad to read your posts, you always seem so content and self-aware. It is always refreshing to see other peoples lives that are happy and fulfilled and I always get that from your posts. And am also happy you have someone in your life who is understanding and supportive of you.
Thank you again everyone. I value all of you and this place very much.
