I've been coming here for most of the last ten years since starting transition. Although I've never entered the discussion I've grown to like a few of you and dislike a few. I've come to the conclusion after reading various topics from HRT to surgery that I'd rather die than be anything trans. I've been on HRT, had FFS, BA and have still not taken the final step of srs. I choose not to live due to the unfortunate fact that it's still way to primitive and incomplete. I've held out hope of things changing but it appears not to be the case after reading Melan's thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,77576.0.html Some of you seem to think that anything is better than what's there now and I respect that but I choose death over accepting something I find repulsive. Sorry I really didn't get to know you better, take care and good luck

Please don't even attempt to take your own life. I wish you could tell us your problems, it will make you feel so much better off loading all this baggage you're carrying around.
It sounds like you have major depression and need help a.s.a.p. Please ring suicide hotline. Please don't do it. I feel like that some time. I go to therapy, it helps me significantly. Please try. 

I agree. You have come so far.  And while Melan's is sad it isn't all the time.  Please call someone.  And stay to get to know us ans us to know you better.

Thanks but no thanks and yes I've been in therapy she's offered me my letter and I turned it down and money isn't a problem either I could go in tomorrow if I wanted. Sorry but talking is over I'm not a newbie I've been doing this since I turned 24 and all this time and all I've been through has been more than enough. I turn 34 in two months and since I was 4 my parents new something was wrong with me but they didn't ask and I wasn't telling. I've been living the female life since my 24th birthday but what's the point if there is no acceptable conclusion. I'm disgusted with being trans didn't ask for it, don't want it and I refuse it. Love ya Nero and Kyril you guys are the greatest. Take care

An exceptable conclusion is a genetically appearing vagina. I don't want a hack and slash job with a gaping hole,strange looking labia, or questionable anything down there. All the post op results leave much to be desired from my point of view and none look genetic all the ones I've seen (and believe me I've looked) looked far from genetic. I guess I was born too soon the technology isn't there and I'm not waiting with whats there hoping for a miracle.

I don't really understand all this, but I think your post boils down to:

"I cannot live without a realistic looking vagina."

If this is the case, I feel very sorry for you - not only because the technology is not where you want it to be, but because it seems so sad to think that a person would consider their whole future life meaningless because of a cosmetic feature.  Makes me think of teen angst, "OMG, I cannot LIVE without a nose job!"

I hope you aren't serious and are looking for some attention, but if you are, I feel truly sorry for you.  I wish you knew the intrinsic value you have to still offer yourself and those who love you.

Correct me if I'm wrong... Do to a couple of photos on someone else's thread about correcting their individual problem your talking about offing yourself at a young age because today's technology is not good enough for you?

Well please don't hurt yourself, deposit the funds for srs into the account of someone who would appreciate it

Some people will never even be able to get as far as you have, either cuz of health, or family. You've come so far, no reason to pull the blade, jump the road, hang the rope. I hate to sound like a therapist (I hate them) but your thinking in black and white, that what you have is either Good or Horrible Can't you see that you have now is what so many people who can't even get HRT dream of?
Think of it this way: The only people who will see or care whats "down there" are YOU and maybe a partner if you have one.
Just don't.

Quote from: Evilangel on June 01, 2010, 12:41:47 AM
An exceptable conclusion is a genetically appearing vagina. I don't want a hack and slash job with a gaping hole,strange looking labia, or questionable anything down there. All the post op results leave much to be desired from my point of view and none look genetic all the ones I've seen (and believe me I've looked) looked far from genetic. I guess I was born too soon the technology isn't there and I'm not waiting with whats there hoping for a miracle.

Please please please don't do it!
I've been there, I was literally on a bridge about to jump listening to music when a song came on that changed my mind and now I'm fighting with every ounce and won't ever give up. Some days I feel down like today but I'll never give up my dreams, no matter how hard or challenging. I have to constantly remind myself I can do it and it's not easy! I'm sure if you save up your money you can get an extremely good SRS surgeon who knows exactly what he/she is doing, I think a realistic vagina is perfectly possible =]. Just don't end it please, I care for you already and I don't even know you. I can relate to you though. Take care and if you want to talk you can PM me :).

Quote from: Evilangel on June 01, 2010, 12:41:47 AM
An exceptable conclusion is a genetically appearing vagina. I don't want a hack and slash job with a gaping hole,strange looking labia, or questionable anything down there. All the post op results leave much to be desired from my point of view and none look genetic all the ones I've seen (and believe me I've looked) looked far from genetic. I guess I was born too soon the technology isn't there and I'm not waiting with whats there hoping for a miracle.

OMG, please don't make this about the vagina, that is just way too simple. Depression can make us come up with the most ridiculous things because we can't see straight anymore.

It's another excuse to come up with instead of the real problem (a doctor can diagnose what that is), because I can't believe after all these years (10?), you are going by one single thread in this forum. That does not make any sense. You have not done enough research, or spoken to many post op women obviously.

I was trying to resist a reply to this post but I must.
50% of straight men can't pick a clitoris out of a line up! Give a man a sketch pad and pen and have him draw a vulva... We are hyper aware of the female anatomy because we've tried to find ourselves in it at times. I lost my best friend to suicide. It is the saddest act. The pain he tried to escaped is now living on in spite of his desire to stop it. Difference is the pain is in me and the rest of those who mourn him. It lives in us. Pain doesn't stop it transmutes. Keep feeling it along with the joy and the wonder and the headaches of daily ->-bleeped-<- with the rest of us please.
Lastly, I love your transness. We are beautiful valid beings and we take care of each other.  Keep reaching out!

Quote from: Evilangel on June 01, 2010, 12:41:47 AM
An exceptable conclusion is a genetically appearing vagina. I don't want a hack and slash job with a gaping hole,strange looking labia, or questionable anything down there. All the post op results leave much to be desired from my point of view and none look genetic all the ones I've seen (and believe me I've looked) looked far from genetic. I guess I was born too soon the technology isn't there and I'm not waiting with whats there hoping for a miracle.

If you are waiting for technology to solve your problems, then maybe you do not know what your problems are. Seek help for your depression, as you have been around for 10 years then you now that help can be found. Killing yourself will NOT make technology advance. Maybe putting yourself forward to develop, to think, to create and to be supportive will. What example are you to those younger, or older that struggle far worse than you? Where is your feeling of love? Where is your desire to be loved? and finally, if you don't care enough to live and seek a future, why should technology, surgeons, endocrinologists - and all of us bother to help people? As Vexing and other have said the corrective surgery levels for vaginaes has been remarkable.

Take Hope. Do not take despair.

My thoughts, love and support are with you.

And join in, instead of being lonely. We are family and we support.
Please be part of us.

Cindy

I have to say that as someone who (after a recent revision) does have a fairly reasonable result which is now well within normal ranges of appearance I find the whole tone of this thread, particularly the implication that we all have hack and slash results somewhat disturbing to say the least. I was operated on nearly 30 years back and there were some limitations - but even that original result prior to update was far from a hack and slash.

To pick one person who regrettably had a minor problem (which will be sorted out) and on that basis decide that the whole thing is a disaster is both unfair, and frankly dangerously warped thinking.

The thing is most of us who get good results do not go splashing pics of our nuaghty bits all over the net!

So the assertion that ALL results are flawed is a bit akin to someone who confidently proclaims that the eifel tower does not exist because they have searched all over London but haven't found it!

In any case suicide is simply not the solution, and if the reincrnationists are to be believed probably only leads to one having to face the same issue again in a different life, but with obstacles that are no less daunting.

My advice please get help for your psychological state nd don't do this.

It sounds like you're panicking right now. I've been there. In this state of panic it seems like there's no way out. It's understandable to panic when it looks like it's impossible. But to state a cliche - your fear right now is False Evidence Appearing Real. I haven't seen the thread in question yet, but yes, people have complications with surgery sometimes. Yes, some have results that may be unsatisfactory. But in the event that happens, there are revisions and remember also that vulvas come in a huge variety of shapes, sizes, colors, and textures. Even cissexual women sometimes forget this, and go in for 'revisions' of their own! So, it is more likely you will receive your own unique vulva like every woman on the planet has.
Please take a deep breath and don't dwell on the worst case scenario. Because if that happens, there will be options. But most likely yours will just be a routine result.
Please don't be another casualty.

Take care Evilangel.

When you change your mind, you can always rejoin.

My take on it:
You'll die eventually, anyway. I don't see the need to hasten one's death over something like your innards.
You háve come a long way into it. So yes; it sounds like you're depressed and hopeless over a few pictures.
Depression is a serious condition. It's life-threatening. I'd like to say I know how you feel, since I'm clinically depressed, though not on meds. Because it's also something you can learn to live with. Not comfortably, but it doesn't need to take the mirth out of your life. And that's clinical depression; you might be treatable; curable, so to speak.

You find transsexualism repulsive? Well; I'm afraid all too many trans people can agree on that. Every one of us wishes we'd been born something we weren't. Our bodies aren't at all how we'd wish them. And we can fix that, up to a certain extent. Nobody can completely undo the way they were born, whether it's a split lip, and open back, or the wrong genitals. But all of us can correct it up to a certain extent, and live normal lives after the correction.

So yes; speak to an expert on depression. It may be linked to your gender condition; it may not be. A gender therapist is not the right person to talk to when it's about depression, so give it a go and see what pops up.

You have had FFS, BA, and taken hormones.  But you still say you are not trans just because you don't want SRS?  How you choose to label yourself is your business, but anyone who has gone through all that trouble is quite clearly trans in my book.  Perhaps you are non-op, but trans nonetheless.  And perhaps you are right, an internet porn quality vagina may be out of reach.  Sigh, your holy grail.

Good luck to you.  What I find hard to believe is you have lurked for 10 years and you finally posted?  Is your day-to-day life that isolated as well?  Maybe its time to go out and meet some people.  The self-pity only works for so long, I know I've tried.

Excellent points Black Mamba! I'd just like to add that porn quality vaginas don't actually exist, they are all photoshoped! You are holding yourself to a impossible standard Evilangel. I showed the photos on the Anne Lawrence site of Brassard's work to my room mate (he's ftm not that it matters) and I can assure you that he's seen more vaginas than most of us have seen hot dinners and he was blown away by them (figuratively that is). He wouldn't even believe me that they weren't natal vaginas until I showed him what the website was about. Another important point is that none of the pictures on that site are of vaginas that are fully healed. Talking to some of my friends who are post op I am told that there is a huge difference between how it looks 6 weeks, six months and a year post op.

Don't let a few photos, old photos at that, throw you off. Talk to some post op girls in person (not over the phone or online) about their experience and I garauntee you'll feel much better about this.

Wendy xx

To reply, I didn't say I didn't want it otherwise I wouldn't have started this whole mess. Another thing I don't belong to a community, family or any other term of a group of trans people. I don't want to look at anyone naked unless we share the same bed. I am not a trans anything, if you want to claim that title be my guest. For me some terrible mistake occurred that needs to get fixed. Looking at what's available is lacking in my eyes. I read from time to time comments like, "I'll take anything " and "it's better than what was there" are ones that don't apply to me I'm not going to take just anything and be happy with it. Again if it works for you great I'm going to pass.

As for being isolated you are mistaken I'm far from it. I choose to spend time with my friends and family who also view me a person with a correctable problem not as a transperson. I have no problem if they're those that choose to take on that role but NEVER include me in that ever. I know that some here feel the same way as I; we choose not to be trans but have our problems repaired and be on our way. If you enjoy having a community, great , just don't forcibly include me if I wish not to. I have a friend in the same situation as I'm in and she also wants to get it fixed and move on so I know I'm not alone. I take people as they come not because they suffer from a similar ailment.


As a former Marine I know when to pull back from an unwinnable situation. I've chosen to see the outcome after surgery and if it turns out to be like I fear it may I'll get rid of this and move on not stay and be "clocked" and live in fear of being discovered. I always have my weapon here and it's not going anywhere. As I have said before I take them as they come and there are people here who I'd like to get to know better and you do have a point that I shouldn't have remained quiet and probably should have posted before now. If my feelings change I may be more active in the future. I came here for knowledge and I have found people I enjoy which is a bonus to me.

Once again your ability to jump to conclusions is amazing. I don't agree with them anymore than I do with the assumption that I want to be a ->-bleeped-<- for the rest of my life just because we happen to have this situation in common. I'd like a normal life free from any negativity about my birth defect. After this is over the only concerns I want is what to make for dinner and what to do on the weekend. I'm not here for the cause or anything else, I just want a normal life.