My wife made the strangest comment the other day, and it makes me wonder if she knows. We were watching some show about people who were in gay porn for pay, and we were talking about how nice it would be to make that kind of money. Then she turns to me and says "Well, why don't you just do that, I mean, you want to be a girl anyway". The first part was phrased as if in jest, but the second part of her sentence had a surprisingly flat inflection...

I only replied that I wasn't attracted to men, so I would need massive sums of money to even consider such a thing. I was cautious not to disagree with the wanting to be a girl part, but I didn't make any move specifically to agree either; I am not sure I am ready to tell her everything yet...

I mean I haven't really hid the way I act from my wife, but I certainly haven't volunteered any information. Is it possible that she knows? I mean, the DVR records pretty much anything relating to the LGBT community, so it isn't like she is completely in the dark about things...

what do you think? Does this comment sound just like jest, or is she 'testing the waters' looking for me to volunteer information? She knows that I won't lie about anything except through omission, so if she really wanted to know something, all she would have to do is ask and she hasn't still, I wonder.

She knows, or at least suspects. People don't make comments like that out of the blue.

Perhaps it was a little test, to see how you react.

I think this could be a good time to talk about it.

I agree with Nicky.

She knows.

She knows or atleast has a pretty good idea.

That is what I was afraid of....

The day before she said this, I was giving her advice on how to make her walk more feminine, explaining to her that she should walk more like me rather than shuffling her feet about as she does (gives her a terrible time in heels).

Thinking about it all, this probably got her wondering. I just don't know how I am going to talk about such things. I mean we have been married for years, how do you tell someone that there was important things about you that you never told them all this time? I mean the truth is I really thought in the past that 'I could beat this' and focused quite a bit of attention to 'defeating' the gender dysphoric feelings; but I certainly knew that I had those feelings and never told her. It wasn't until last year, that I finally realized the futility in such things, and started to accept myself GID and all.

Any advice on how to phrase such things?

Strangely enough from what you have said it doesn't sound to me as if she is too concerned about it. (although I could be reading too much into the way you have reported the conversation)

If you are going to come out then my advice would be a bit of an honest heart to heart - and maybe ask her how she feels about that prospect. It is unusual for relationships to survive transition, but not completely unheard of. I know personally of three that did. In all cases the wife was bisexual and so had no real issues with the idea. You may just be one of the lucky ones.

Whatever you do, do it gently - and I wish you good luck!

This may sound a little blunt but maybe she is getting a little fed up with your 'little hints' and dancing around a subject that you both know needs to be discussed.

Coming out is hard and I'm in the process of this myself, it sounds as though she has got the message and wants to talk about it, she hasn't walked out yet, and that has to be a good sign.

The direct approach is often the most effective that's not to say that sensitivity isn't needed, but I just don't see how either of you can afford to continue to play these games.

Good Luck!

Quote from: Hikari on June 03, 2010, 03:20:12 PM
Is it possible that she knows?

Yes.

Quote from: Hikari on June 03, 2010, 04:05:36 PMI just don't know how I am going to talk about such things. I mean we have been married for years, how do you tell someone that there was important things about you that you never told them all this time?

I just flat out told my ex. He wasn't heavily surprised but a nuclear meltdown ensued. He was O.K. for awhile, even offered tips, but as time went by he became very bitter and spiteful. However, I knew our relationship would end because I wanted it to end (long story). I don't mean to scare you with that. Some relationships survive transition however, sadly, most don't. So, when you tell her be mindful that your relationship might end.

Quote from: Hikari on June 03, 2010, 04:05:36 PMI mean the truth is I really thought in the past that 'I could beat this' and focused quite a bit of attention to 'defeating' the gender dysphoric feelings; but I certainly knew that I had those feelings and never told her.

Been there, done that. I'm sure we all have. It doesn't get better over time- just worse. So, when you're ready, move forward. After a point putting it off and denying yourself will drive you insane or to suicide. There's just no escaping it.

I didn't mean for this reply to be a downer. I'm just going off my experience.

Quote from: Hikari on June 03, 2010, 04:05:36 PMI mean we have been married for years, how do you tell someone that there was important things about you that you never told them all this time? I mean the truth is I really thought in the past that 'I could beat this' and focused quite a bit of attention to 'defeating' the gender dysphoric feelings; but I certainly knew that I had those feelings and never told her. It wasn't until last year, that I finally realized the futility in such things, and started to accept myself GID and all.

Any advice on how to phrase such things?

Oh, dear.  Well, I looked breifly at your profile - you're only 24?  My best advice to you is, deal with this NOW.  Before you wake up like me, 30 years later, SSDD.  I suspect she knows, on some level.  Sit her down and talk to her openly, honestly, but with sensitivity and respect for her feelings.  No way to predict how she will react, but prepare yourself for the worst, and you might be pleasantly surprised.  I "came out" to my wife 29 years ago after a suicide attempt.  I had very little choice.  However, the outcome of our discussions was I basically told her it was all a fantasy gone wrong, and I then buried it very, very deep.  I have had a lifetime of mostly unhappiness as a result.  My wife and I will be seeing our counselor next Tuesday evening, and I will be "coming out" in that session (yet again, and I have already come out to this counselor in a private session).  We will also be discussing some old infidelities of mine.  I'll let you know how the gender discussion goes.  I intend to state that I'm planning to get a referral for gender identity assessment from our family doctor, and either in-session or in private, I plan on telling her that I want to start cross-dressing and experimenting with makeup and jewelry, maybe get my ears pierced as a start.  Like I say, I'll let you know how that goes.  I do hope you get this figured out.

She knows, probably not every nuanced detail, but she knows. And she doesn't want to live in limbo about it.

You're going to have to be frank and mindful of the strain this puts on her.

Sorry, this is gonna be long, but here is the situation as it stands now...

I am indeed only 24, but I think I already have enough regrets for a lifetime. I wish I had the courage to just be myself from an earlier age, but these feelings and my poor relationship with my parents when I was very young made me hide and attempt to rid myself of them. Unfortunately this has caused a pattern for me that makes me feel unsafe if people know things about me. I am much better now, but I would hide trivial things about myself from everyone around me, people wouldn't really know what my favorite color was much less my gender dysphoric feelings.

While the past year and a half have been spent slowly dismantling my front, that I have put up since at least 7, it is still difficult for me. Even on this forum I have had lots of struggle with my personal demons to do things like post pictures or talk of my experiences, It actually took me 8 months of saying to myself I was going to join before I got the courage to do even that. I am making progress but, my pace isn't great.

My wife has seemed a bit puzzled by my behavior over the past year, I am back to wearing makeup everyday (which was the case when we first got together 6 years ago) and I am slowly allowing her access to how I actually feel rather then what I think she wants to hear. She has given me several hints that she knows something is up, and bless her heart she has given me hundreds of opportunities to tell her even though I just don't feel ready yet.

A few nights ago we were talking about the effects that hormones have on people's bodies as one of my friends (A former marine) seems to have some crazy high T and she made note that I didn't seem to have very much. I told her that indeed as I can tell I have much less than the men in my family (I actually have a bit of natural breast tissue, no addams apple, my brow bossing isn't even close to my brothers, a higher voice than my mother much less my brother, etc).

After I made note of this she said "You probably should have been a girl." To that I replied "Yes, my life would have been much happier if I had". I was expecting her to push a bit more, and if she had, I may have told her, but with that she decided to go to bed. I can't help but think that she has a better idea of the situation than I previously thought.

In any case, I really shouldn't tell her until I am employed again, I want to prepare for the worst, and I don't have anywhere to go, I haven't spoken to my parents in years, and all of my friends are poor like me. I know it is selfish, but I really can't be honest if it means the risk of homelessness again, the last time I had that condition I was a child and I vowed that I would never, ever allow it to happen again. I don't think she would leave or kick me out but, there just isn't really a way to accurately predict how she will react.

I am sorry this was long and rambling, but It really helps to tell someone about this.

Absolutely don't feel "less than" for using a little common sense about keeping a roof over your head. Or for struggling with expressing the deeply personal nuances of your inner life with a loved one, which can be borderline terrifying.

We'll try to give some pragmatic insight here, as best we're able. But even with whatever assistance you can find, you still have to navigate the waters of your intimate relationships as best you can.

In a worst case scenario, if you remember to treat your loved ones in a manner that is mindful of their fundamental dignity while not denying your own, you will have that as a foundation.

Reading your posts. I find it very familiar to my own.  Except my ex knew I had GID before we married.

To your first question.  YES she knows.  When you tell her it will only confirm it for her.  And that will be the hardest part.  She will feel betrayed and that you have lied to her.  But just let her know it does not change how you feel about her.

Now as to the second part.  Yes make sure you have a financial backup.

I hope for both of you, it turns out better than it did for me.

I think she not only knows but is getting a bit tired of you hiding. My wife knew before we were married and had no problems with me living PT.
I think it is time for you to clear the air before she gets annoyed and starts to seek alternatives. Not being truthful can be more strain on a marriage than being TG.

Hope it works out

Cindy

Vanessa - very wise words, and trust me when I say, I am reading them also.

Not being truthful can be more strain on a marriage than being TG.

true that

Bite the bullet. You know you need to.

You will hurt your wife but not telling will be worse. She suspects anyway, maybe she will support you.

Caroline

Wow yah I'd say she knows something