Ok so as the title says today I told my bf about me I'd been thinking about doing it as other friends of mine now know so it had to come out sometime, now me and my bf don't live in the same city so its a long distance relationship although this past year we really haven't seen each other much at all.  He did say that he was shocked by it but at the same time said "if thats how you feel then thats how you feel" I know it will take some time to get used to what I've said and he did offer to come over and see me I told him it was ok right now and that he said he liked my body the way it was and didn't want me to go out and get excessive surgery in which I told him that is not going to happen anytime soon and thats a long way off right now, but yeah I am not happy living like this anymore and I'm glad that I've told him and he seems to have taken it well.

Its good that he's taken it well, and congrats on coming out to him  . But you do plan to have surgery, if not soon, then later on? He does get that in the end you will have -practically- the body of a male, right? Its better to get him fully understanding now, before he decides to make it a "closed" conversation. Surgery, i think, is a topic a couple should talk about way prior, just so it isn't as much shock for the other when its finally time to go under the knife.

Sorry I don't want to come in and rain on the "he took it well" part but, from what you've said it seems his response was "great you have the mind of a male....gonna keep the female body though?" which will cause problems later on if you start presenting (like a hair cut, and binding, and whatnot)....and then even BIGGER problems in the future if you do decide to go ahead with T and surgery. You're gonna have to make your intentions clear to him. Make sure he completely understand what this actually means.

I had the same sort of "ok I fully accept this!" kind of response from the guy I was seeing when I first came out, but then he got all weirded out when I cut all my hair off and then got upset when I threw out all my female clothes etc etc

Quote from: Jeatyn on June 04, 2010, 10:52:32 AM
Sorry I don't want to come in and rain on the "he took it well" part but, from what you've said it seems his response was "great you have the mind of a male....gonna keep the female body though?"

Ok its been a few hours since we have spoken and the more I think of it the more I do feel what you have just said is right, he did ask me if I was I was planning to do anything about it and I've told him that next week I'm hoping to get an appointment with my dr so he knows about that.
Further down the line what would make me feel much better about myself is to have a mans chest as right now I'm rather large chested and I am very self conscious about it and I do want to start binding very soon.  I guess its alot to take in right now and I know that we are going to have to talk more about this so I guess now we really just have to take things from here.

I'm in a similar place myself; not long came out to my cis fiancé, mentioned to him that I'm seeking therapy, and that I don't think I can go through with surgery, even later on [well, bottom surgery is a no for sure, since I've had more majorly invasive surgery in my life than I'd like already, so 2 more would be out of the question.] I will consider top surgery, and I believe I told him that [if not yet, I will VERY soon when it comes up again] but I've been binding for a while anyway, for the best part of a year or thereabouts.

Basically, I've been diagnosed with moderate/severe depression because of my condition, and my fiancé knows this, and he's been responding well to the introduction of male underwear into my wardrobe. I dress mostly male anyway, always have done, ever since we met. I only went through a strap-top phase after being in hospital, because I got used to wearing them alot as they were the only thing I could change without having my Hickman line unhooked. xDD But thats another story.

Make sure to sit him down and have a good discussion with him about it. Try and make it clear that things don't change right away, even if you sought medical help. IF he truly loves you, he will stand by you and fight through his doubts to be with you whatever you do. Good luck.

My ex was fine with my persistent androgyny and my male gender identity until I made it clear that I needed to transition sometime soon. Then things became strained, and the rest is history. (Well, maybe not, so I'll cut to the chase: he broke up with me about three months after I started T, when I was trying to figure out when, not if, to schedule my top surgery.)

I thought we had a shot at staying together. Now I'm glad we didn't, although he could have chosen a more propitious time to break up with me. Still, what's done is done.

I've got my fingers crossed for you, Jay.

I don't think love conquers transsexualism. It's a wonderful thing when it does, but even if you want to make a statement like "Everyone is a little bi," your partner may not be ready to explore that.

Though, I mean, for a while, most guys would probably be like "S'chea, all anal all the time? Sign me up gir -- I mean... dude..." Then probably wonder if it was gay. Then be kind of scared when the facial hair grows out.

You really can't fault someone for not being able to stay in a relationship through transition. It's one thing when a friend or family member rejects you, but it's another to have to be a partner with someone who is changing the person that they physically are (and emotional/personality changes will bleed through as you feel more free to do so.)

However, it's too early to know jack, or how he'll really react. I mean, for a normal person, hearing "I'm having a sex change" doesn't compute.

Thank you Arch and Ruben I've also been diagnosed with chronic depression and have been on  medication at the highest dose for the pills I'm on for a number of years now so I can understand about that, I think taking everyday as it comes is a good idea for me right about now.

Quote from: ~Jay~ on June 04, 2010, 12:26:08 PMThank you Arch and Ruben I've also been diagnosed with chronic depression and have been on  medication at the highest dose for the pills I'm on for a number of years now so I can understand about that, I think taking everyday as it comes is a good idea for me right about now.

I hear that. I'm not on meds anymore, but sometimes I wish I were. I'm not sure I can be fully productive without them, yet I would rather not be medicated...until I start to lose control. Then I wonder why I'm trying to do this without chemical help.

It's been a struggle these last few years. I try to break things up into small, manageable steps. You're on the right track...and congrats for coming out to your boyfriend. That takes balls.

I'm going through something similar with my partner right now.  Well actually at first after I came out he threatened divorce threw a huge fit but came back eventually.  He wrote a letter to his family members talking about how marriage isn't always ideal but we need to stick it out for the good of the kids and blah blah.  I call it his martyr letter because that is basically what he is painting himself as.  Which bothered me a bit because I know he has tendencies in a certain direction.   

Then after my Mother started in on her BS his protective side came out and he stood up for me.  I really appreciated that and thought he was coming around to seeing my side.  However since we haven't heard from her for a few days now he is back to being slightly resentful of everything.

He told me he doesn't mind me 'passing' in the privacy of our own house but he is really worried about me doing it in the outside world.  The fact is he doesn't want to be perceived as a gay male by strangers on the street.  He is so homophobic and it drives me nuts.  He wants me to write a letter to my family assuring them that he is not gay.  I really don't know how to write a letter like that since I know part of him is.

So just watch out for all of that.  I have a feeling those fears are typical.  I don't know if my partner and I will last or not.  For the sake of the kids I hope we do.  For the sake of me I hope we don't.  I want to be with a partner who wants to be with me as I really am.

Squirrel, I sympathize with my whole being. My ex didn't want to be seen as gay, either. He's not homophobic when it comes to equal rights and all of that. He's not homophobic when it comes to live and let live. But when it comes to him and his personal life...well, he's not gay and doesn't like being seen that way. I doubt that he understands how painful it was for me all those years to be seen as straight and female, and I doubt that he would appreciate the parallel.

I now believe that his refusal to have anal sex with me was based on homophobia. He knew I identified as male and gay. So we only had front-door sex.

I'm glad it's over. I don't think I could have stayed with him much longer. Maybe six months more...but I would have been fooling myself.

With that said, I hope you're able to work it out. Not because your mother is being a...problem, and not for the sake of the kids, but because he loves you more than he fears you and what you stand for. If it's what you want, I hope he can be more honest with himself and overcome his dis-ease. That would be a good thing even if you broke up.

Quote from: Autumn on June 04, 2010, 12:22:30 PMYou really can't fault someone for not being able to stay in a relationship through transition.

This is very true. It's unreasonable and egotistical to expect someone to change their sexual preference just for you. Asking a cis-male partner who is completely straight to become gay just for you, that's like when people tell us "but can't you just live as a girl and be happy?". It's said "true love conquers all" but in the real world it usually doesn't.

Quote from: Radar on June 05, 2010, 07:08:46 PMThis is very true. It's unreasonable and egotistical to expect someone to change their sexual preference just for you. Asking a cis-male partner who is completely straight to become gay just for you, that's like when people tell us "but can't you just live as a girl and be happy?". It's said "true love conquers all" but in the real world it usually doesn't.

This.

A lot of people say, "You're not attracted to a gender, you're attracted to an individual." Okay, fine. I'm tired of fighting you, so let's work with that: I've never been sexually attracted to an INDIVIDUAL of the female GENDER. Got it? Good. Now stop telling me who and what I'm attracted to.

Thanks for the support Arch. 

I'm trapped and I want to run but I have responsibilities here that are not easily forgotten.  Your situation sounds a bit worse to me.  He does humour me in bed and I often penetrate him with my feeldo.  He'll do anal on me if I push for it.  It's just when we go out in public does he gets sensitive and self concious.  I really am hope this is just all new for him and somehow we will manage to make this work somehow.  That would be the ideal. 

Regarding the other point in this thread, he does have tendencies, he just prefers the closet to anything else. 

I used to wish that my ex had bi tendencies, but that wouldn't necessarily have helped us.

FTM transition is tough on any significant other, but cis men in such relationships have particular problems. I've seen a number of cis women "stand by their men"--or stand by their women, depending on which way the transition is going--but it seems pretty rare for a cis man to stick with an FTM.

Homophobia directed at gay males is so pervasive in this society. My ex--who had very liberal views about LGBT issues--had quite a bit of uneasiness about gay men and was especially uncomfortable with the idea of being seen as a gay man. I don't blame him for cutting me loose, but I am sad that homophobia is so rampant that it has a major influence--I think, deleterious--on how cis men respond to their FTM partners. On the other hand, he wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. So I'm not sure that any amount of societal approval would have kept us together.

Humans are freaking messy.

QuoteHumans are freaking messy.

Nope, just relationships.

Quote from: LordKAT on June 06, 2010, 04:18:09 PMNope, just relationships.

You mean, like, human relationships, or romantic ones specifically? 'Cause I'm not in a romantic relationship, and I'm still a mess.

I think relationships are stressful well mine have been, anyway I've not spoken to my bf since I told him don't look good does it.

Quote from: ~Jay~ on June 07, 2010, 02:29:50 PMI think relationships are stressful well mine have been, anyway I've not spoken to my bf since I told him don't look good does it.

Whatever is meant to be is meant to be. Things take time.