to advise a parent about how to address the discovery that their very young child was sneaking and playing at being the gender opposite of the one they were born into, what would you say to them?

Depends how old the child is if the parent is thinking GID, otherwise I would consider it just playing.

the child is four. in addition to the dress up games there have been several rather sophisticated gender related questions the child has posed.

if you must know, this is my own son we're speaking of. i wonder sometimes about these behaviors and questions.  he's been doing this since he was two when he started telling all the women he met that they had stolen his shoes.  I am an andro for lack of a better term. his father is...suppressed(he admitted to wanting to be a woman but the in the culture he comes from, such a thing is tantamount to a death sentence and so he habitually tries to overcompensate.) . i sometimes wonder whether or not my own gender ambiguity is correlated to these behaviors(or perhaps he picks up on his father's "issues") and questions or perhaps if he may be showing signs of future gender questions.

Im unclear about how to figure this out.

Sounds like you have a very intelligent child.

  I remember a worthwhile expert on TV here saying that kids take in just as much as they are capable of, and the rest just goes over their heads.

It's been a long time since mine were that age, but I would just be open, honest, interested and non-judgemental when they ask questions. If you are relaxed and dion't get upset, they don't end up thinking there are terrible dark secrets to be kept hidden.

We were always told to ask questions, then told to be quiet when we did. Things are much better these days.

Bet it's in the blood so to speak.

Make no gender expectations and rules for the child. We all know very personaly how bad that can hurt one of us.
Have you asked the child if s/he is a boy or a girl? Have you asked the child (in a nuetral fashion) why they are dressing? This kid is very young and has unlikely absorbed alot of social crap and will be able to express honestly their reality.
If the child is trans, well you have had a bit of practice dealing with these issues yourself. Can't think of a better parent for a trans-child.

Knowing now will help your child be able to make the informed choice to transition or not before puberty. Before T starts its damage.

And if the child is just playing games and having fun........have at it junior.

Quote from: cynthialee on June 09, 2010, 08:48:46 AM
Bet it's in the blood so to speak.

Make no gender expectations and rules for the child. We all know very personaly how bad that can hurt one of us.
Have you asked the child if s/he is a boy or a girl? Have you asked the child (in a nuetral fashion) why they are dressing? This kid is very young and has unlikely absorbed alot of social crap and will be able to express honestly their reality.
If the child is trans, well you have had a bit of practice dealing with these issues yourself. Can't think of a better parent for a trans-child.

Knowing now will help your child be able to make the informed choice to transition or not before puberty. Before T starts its damage.

And if the child is just playing games and having fun........have at it junior.

I dont really place an emphasis on gender in a general sense. I havent asked him whether or not he is female in his mind...ive thought about it but the problem is in presenting the questions in a way that wont confuse or upset him.

the other issue is his father with whom i share joint custody and who comes from a very rigidly catholic hispanic family. the problem here is in encouraging my child to find what works best without alienating him from his father and causing an uproar in that part of my child's life. My ex was put through hypnosis and mild EST in his home country to "cure the problem". the thought of that even being brought up concerning my child is HEINOUS to me.

im more in a phase of just thinking about it right now. My thought is to just watch and not judge and now that i have found this place, occasionally rant about it lol. and not judge. 

i just kind of feel like im walking a tightrope that's on fire with this.

The problem of the child's father is the principal.

However much we may disagree with his position, he is the father and should be given as well as make a valid contribution to his son's upbringing.

But I do agree that your son needs to be allowed to play. Dressing up in this way should be seen, at this stage, as no more than that.

I'm really thinking more about what your ex may do if and when he finds out what your son plays. Is he likely to over react, making silly claims about you?

How the local welfare authorities view these cases would be important. If the local attitudes are generally negative then your ex may run to them. But they would have to be pretty extreme to criticise you for letting a young child play.

On the other hand, if the local authorities tend to be a litttle more enlightened then they will hopefully defend you.

Quotei just kind of feel like im walking a tightrope that's on fire with this.

Yeah sounds about right.
Best of luck and wishes in this. I really hope the child is cisgender but if not ... at least you can be the awesome parent for a trans child.

When I was that age I threw a temper tantrum in a store with my dad because he wouldn't buy me the kind of character-printed leggings the other girls in my preschool wore (it was the 80s, we all got dressed funny, what can I say) and overall I turned out fine.  Oh wait...

Ok, really though...At that age, and given the circumstances, I'm not sure I would "say" anything outright in terms of asking what gender they feel they are.  Playing is just playing, more likely than anything.  If things move beyond playing I would keep it to offering assuring and affirming choices for your child to express themselves, within reason of course.  Like if your son wants to wear a dress, maybe go shopping and let him (for lack of an explicitly declared gender) pick something out that he likes.  Or if he doesn't want to get his hair cut short, give him the choice of growing it out longer and see where that goes.  The best thing you can probably do is give your child a supporting and affirming environment to explore how they want to express themselves so they can be confident in who they are and how they're presenting themselves to the world.  If things go further than exploring, check out the resources TYFA has available for parents of trans & gender-variant children.

And I said above "given the circumstances" only meaning that I know I would probably be overly sensitive and quick to pick up on gender-variant behavior in my child because, well, I've lived it myself and I can't help but look for it in others.  If my son or daughter eventually came to me and told me they were a girl or a boy, or neither, I would let them guide what they wanted to do with that (again, within reason) and prepare myself to support and back them up fully when people try to make that difficult.

Quote from: spacial on June 09, 2010, 09:42:52 AM
The problem of the child's father is the principal.

However much we may disagree with his position, he is the father and should be given as well as make a valid contribution to his son's upbringing.

But I do agree that your son needs to be allowed to play. Dressing up in this way should be seen, at this stage, as no more than that.

I'm really thinking more about what your ex may do if and when he finds out what your son plays. Is he likely to over react, making silly claims about you?

How the local welfare authorities view these cases would be important. If the local attitudes are generally negative then your ex may run to them. But they would have to be pretty extreme to criticise you for letting a young child play.

On the other hand, if the local authorities tend to be a litttle more enlightened then they will hopefully defend you.

i dont react to it as anything other than play right now. But i do often think about what Im going to do if it turns out to be something other than that.

I live in the south but in a larger city. the legal position on this sort of thing is as such that it could go either way. I've told my child to "be respectful of your father's wishes" many times, hoping that he would listen and if the issue came up my child would do exactly that. here he is allowed to do as he pleases.

his father would freak. his paternal grandparents would be...well...that's my worst fear. they are very well off. and rigidly catholic in a "spare the rod and spoil the child" kind of way. its totally possible THEY would try to take my child. Im a competant parent and a responsible one...but i defy some of the social norms expected of parents..

i really hope that he is simply mimicking my own gender ambiguity.