I realized when I was 25.  I don't know why it took so long, I've had dysphoria about my body as long as I could remember.  I just never knew there was something that could be done about it until I stumbled across something on the Internet.

I learned the word for it at probably 13. I felt a level of unhappiness with my body that wasn't the normal "I don't like this/that trait" when I hit puberty and KNEW I wanted to be a boy at 12. I forgot how I stumbled across the FTM community but when I did it clicked. Beforehand I questioned my sexuality and just kind of figured the deep-rooted dissatisfaction with being a girl was something I'd get over, or just another personality trait of being a "tomboy." When I was little that was a label I got put on me immediately because I gravitated towards boys clothes/activities and all that. For a while I reveled in the name but the more I heard it, the more it pissed me off because it still insinuated I was a girl.

I think I've mentioned this in another thread, but I did try to pee standing up when I was probably about two and had fits when I found out it just ran down my leg. When puberty hit I tried to battle it via stopping eating, and I wore a sports bra until I was about 14 - real bras just felt so.. awkward. Like they weren't meant to be there. I've always had small breasts anyway, which I've always hated not because they're small but because they're there but I could never get that point across to Mom; she tried to comfort me by telling me they'd grow someday, and that just upset me more. I remember being absolutely HORRIFIED when they started "budding." Eurgh. I was fine with body hair and didn't realize girls were expected to shave it until I was 12 and my friend made fun of me for having hairy armpits.

I came out to my parents at 16 and started binding/presenting as male/going by a more masculine nickname at the same time. This kept up halfway through me being seventeen and then my parents got tired of acknowledging it once I broke up with my girlfriend at the time, so it got put on the backburner and I stopped binding and started dressing more androgynously. Now, I'm trying to push it to the back of my mind by "being a girl" in the hope it'll go away someday but knowing it won't.

Woah guys, that's a lot of replies.
Hearing the ages makes me feel a lot better about my situation though, and I've had similar experiences as a child, and through puberty. Reading what you've all said has kind of made me realise that even though I was labelled as 'tomboy' when I was younger, I never really thought of myself as a girl or a boy, I was just me. I don't thnik I realised how much I'd change through puberty either, and it was horrible when it happened.

Nikolai; if you know it won't go away, why are you stopping binding/presenting as a boy? I'm hardly experienced in this kind of stuff, but it doesn't seem like something you'd do if you felt like that for so long, and you also knew you were going to continue feeling like that.

I got into a relationship with a guy, so that presents a bit of a problem in doing much about the dysphoria. Not that he's not understanding, and he's even said he'd try to stick it out with me, but at this point I'm not sure it's worth risking.
And also to make things easier on my parents as of right now. I'm 18 so I CAN, by legal means, do as I like concerning my gender dysphoria. But they're really keen on refusing to acknowledge it, so I can wait until I move out.

Those aren't the only reasons, of course, because if I didn't have some uncertainty I wouldn't sit back and be completely inactive with it. I want to be sure I won't regret it if I do start transition, or that I'd be okay with my breast tissue being broken down from binding. I'm not happy this way, but at the moment I'm not 100% sure therapy/hormone treatment/surgery is what I want. I'm kind of stuck at an in-between (probably from a LOT of self-persuasion that maybe transitioning wouldn't be a great idea), which, in all honesty, sucks more than knowing what I want and being unable to go for it.

Quote from: Jeatyn on June 07, 2010, 10:14:50 AMbefore then something was just...wrong....had no idea what it was. I would just have thoughts of "I wish I was a boy" sometimes - It never occurred to me that my body was wrong, just that it would have been nice if it were the opposite gender, I had no clue there was something I could do about it.

I hope nobody takes this the wrong way but...being trans is weird, I can't fault anyone for not realising that's what the problem was. It's not something people tend to be exposed to. The only people in that kind of spectrum I had seen were drag queens.

This, and also knowing I didn't want to be a girl from the onset of puberty.  I had no idea anything could be done about it though until last year, when I was 19.  Stumbled on some top surgery videos on youtube and it clicked.  I'm taking my time to think things through though and really figure everything out.  Learn as much as I can before I do anything (or tell anyone).  Hopefully I'll see a therapist before the end of the month.

Since I was about 4 I always wanted to be a boy  But yeah, I didnt know that I was FTM until I was 14. I first started "pretending" to be a boy over the internet when I was 12-13 years old, and didnt understand how right it felt until a few years later 

Since I was a child I knew I didn't want to be a woman and had phobias of pregancy and stuff.  I hated having periods the moment they started because it made me sick to think I had the equipment to give birth.  That felt so painfully wrong.  When I was in my late teens I got into slash and yaoi fiction and wondered why I identified with that so much, and enjoyed it in a very different way than the straight females that rule the genre.  That turned into proper gay male stuff.  Tried lesbianism.  Didn't fancy women.  Tried being very feminine and getting an attractive boyfriend.  Hated the straightness of it all.  Started wearing male clothing constantly in retaliation, about this time last year.  Slowly, realised I didn't want to be seen as female any more and couldn't imagine growing old as a woman.  I found out about ->-bleeped-<- and FtM through the internet about June last year.  I stewed on it for a miserable 6 months before making the decision to transition in December.  This year I turned 24. 

Since December I haven't been happier, not ever in my life.  It's not a picnic, sometimes I am terrified of being wedged firmly in the LGBT community when our society is so pro-cis and pro-het.  But of course it could be worse; it could still be illegal to be gay or transition!  I aim to be through surgery and done with most of the T changes by 30.  Life starts at 30!

Quote from: Alessandro on June 09, 2010, 05:29:04 PMSince I was a child I knew I didn't want to be a woman and had phobias of pregancy and stuff.  I hated having periods the moment they started because it made me sick to think I had the equipment to give birth.

This. Big time.

I have nightmares sometimes where I find out I'm pregnant.  *shudders*

Ugh. YES. The idea of being pregnant horrifies me to the degree that for a while I was really... I don't want to say hostile because that's not correct, but I couldn't even stand pregnant women and babies.

Now that I know myself better, I have no problems with either, and can even look at a baby and find it sweet rather than having it repulse me.

Quote from: Berren on June 07, 2010, 10:06:24 AM
What age did you realise you were in the wrong body?
For me, I never really questioned it until puberty, and even then I was just unhappy without knowing why. People seem to think that because I didn't know from an earlier age (I've read about people who knew from being as young as 3) that what I feel isn't true, and that I shouldn't be acting how I am. What do you guys think?

I was probably 16 when I realized it, or at least fully realized it.  I was always unhappy about a few things in my life, but something that bothered me and got worse was that I just wasn't in the body I should be in--sex felt wrong because I wasn't a male being with a male.  I felt I should be male and that I should always have been male. 

I never cared for kids, especially since babysitting a 5 month old for two weeks straight, and I still don't want kids because it doesn't feel like something I should be having (I have no maternal extinct, my instinct is more paternal unless it's an animal).

I think it's fine for someone to realize later on, but I'm biased because I realized later ()

Quote from: Berren on June 07, 2010, 10:06:24 AM
What age did you realise you were in the wrong body?
For me, I never really questioned it until puberty, and even then I was just unhappy without knowing why. People seem to think that because I didn't know from an earlier age (I've read about people who knew from being as young as 3) that what I feel isn't true, and that I shouldn't be acting how I am. What do you guys think?

I'm in the same boat as you. I didn't know until I got my period, and that day I wanted to cry so bad (I didn't realize completely until a little bit later). Before that I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I've felt this way for many years now (it feels odd saying that), and just because I didn't know from birth doesn't mean that what I'm feeling isn't real. Don't let people tell you who you are or how you feel.

Quote from: Jeatyn on June 07, 2010, 10:14:50 AMbefore then something was just...wrong....had no idea what it was. I would just have thoughts of "I wish I was a boy" sometimes - It never occurred to me that my body was wrong, just that it would have been nice if it were the opposite gender, I had no clue there was something I could do about it.

I was like this XD

I was 18 when I realised. Last year I was reading a transgender thread in a forum and they were talking about their experiences and how they felt. And then I guess something like clicked in my head xD Like I remember wishing I was a boy when I was younger and I've always pictured like my ideal self as male, but I didn't think that was "unusual"? lol. Like I tried to talk to my friend about how I felt but she was like she couldn't relate coz she never felt something like it before >__<.

When did I know I had a birth defect?

About 12 months ago.  For something like 42 years before that I just felt like the proverbial "square peg in the round hole", with no real idea of the cause.

I knew I wasn't a poofter because I like(lusted after) girls. All the normal teenage boy hormonal things happened, but there was something that just was 'not right'.  Living in a bit of a backwater in the 60's meant there was NO information, and even less help. The past is definitely a different country kids, believe me!

Now I can put a name to the problem, and envisage a solution. So many small things now seem so obvious, that it is a wonder that anyone didn't ask the obvious question.

If there had been the help available then, that there is today , I would have been able to live my life as the woman I should always have been. I would probably even had a swag of (adopted ) kids!

I am really happy for you kids being able to do what we could not. I am not jealous, as I have had a fortunate life in many ways, just want to  encourage you all to never give up hope.

You can all do pretty much what ever you set your heart on. Just hold on to the soul of your opponent and never ever let go, you will win.

I think I've always known. I've always felt out of place and masculine. I never had a name for it.

Growing up, I always identified with male characters in stories, and I had no idea why it felt so right, when trying to identify with the chicks always felt so wrong.

Around puberty I think I had the opposite reaction from a lot of guys here. I thought to myself "Thank God!" Maybe once I grow boobs I'll feel like a proper girl. Maybe once I have my period I'll feel like a proper girl. Eventually it became: Maybe when I have BIGGER boobs I'll feel like a proper girl. This spanned from age eleven until about twenty three. This constant feeling of needing to try harder and harder to feel "right."

I would see a pretty, confident girl in a dress... so I would by a dress like that. Not because I wanted to look like her, but because I wanted to feel like her. I wanted it to make sense so badly. Problem is, I would put on said dress, and feel like I was a in a disguise. I would grow my hair long, felt like I was in disguise.

When I was a teenager I got into the whole goth thing. I felt extremely at home because I could dress like a dude, and wear makeup without anyone bitching about my boy clothes. Just about the fact that they were black and "spooky" looking. Sophomore year of highschool I shaved my head. Greatest day of my life. Went to school and everyone ripped me a new one. How dare I, a girl, do such a thing.

Pfft. I still had no word for what was going on with me. I knew very little about anything trans. All I knew was the straight boys made me gag, and the gay ones wanted nothing to do with me aside from being friends. All I knew was that something was very out of place in my world, and nobody could tell me what it was. So I cut, and drank, and did any drug I could get my hands on.

I met a boy in highschool. A boy who, at the time I pegged as gay. I don't think he even knew it yet. He crushed on me day after day and practically worshiped the ground I walked on. I didn't actually date him for a few years, but he's the first non-straight guy I can remember being attracted to me. It was the biggest feeling in the world. I dated a few other guys who were teetering in closet land before him, and always dumped them because I had this weird feeling of being totally inadequate. Like I just wasn't QUITE what they wanted.

Still I had no idea what to call myself, so I just said that I was a weirdo, and left it at that.

Queue many more years of self abuse, depression, confusion, and overcompensation. I met my husband after a long string of unsuccessful relationships, each shorter than the last. The last being a guy who was twice my age who, though he fulfilled my want for a daddy type, made me feel clunky and uncomfortable.

Husband and I have had... our problems. Cheating (him, not me), drinking, drugs, uncertainty. But we've stuck together and talked things out, and all that is about six years in the past now.

Finally, THREE years ago, we were sitting in the living room watching some stupid movie with a friend of ours. We had this little notebook that the two of us were passing back and forth. Writing naughty little messages to each other and flirting like idiots. Finally I grabbed it, and proceeded to write a six page short story involving the two of us, a little consent play, and most importantly, I was a dude. The two characters in that original little story became the inspiration for a year long exploration of myself through writing. It only took a month to figure out what had been plaguing me my entire life.

The rest is messy history. Messier. Uncomfortable crap that I don't feel like going into now. I still feel like I'm drowning inside myself. I still get the odd suicidal urge, but at least I have a name for why I'm so unhappy now.

Woo.

As a 2 year old I would tell strange men, "I've got a penis too" and ask my mum to buy me one at the shops.  Earliest sign I guess.  Otherwise, "tomboy", always wrote stories and drew pictures of male versions of myself.

When I started going thru puberty I ignored it.  People made fun of my armpit hair, but I didn't want to shave it. I felt embarrased by my boobs and didn't wear a bra til I was about 15 tho I needed to.  When I got my period, I was gutted.  Really didn't think it would happen.  I pretended I hadn't gotten it for ages, everyone at school thought I was a freak.  I even had an "accident" and still denied it was me. I have this pic of me on the day of my first period, I should scan it.  I'm wearing huge shorts and a huge Charlotte Hornets t-shirt and slumping looking miserable as hell.  No one even knew what was going on.


Whn I was 19 or so, my friend started transitioning.  We had both seen the same doco about a 14 year old trans boy.  I felt the same as him, but thought I was too short and girly looking to even bother trying. I was so jealous as he went on T and got hairy and got top surgery.  I look at him now and I wish I was there already.  I wasn't in a good situation then, and it was impossible however.


So I overcompensated and tried to dress like my straight girl friends. I actually got really interested in fashion, but particularly liked getting cllothes for my male friends. I had really nice expensive girl clothes, but I treated them the same way I did my record collection. I still think I'd make some girl a good stylist!

So after a few more years living wrong, trying to overcompensate, I finally got out of an abusive relationship and was, as Lady Gaga would say, a free b*tch. I saw another trans documentary and the thoughts came flooding back MAJORLY and I knew I had to go through with it. I was staring at photos of advanced trans guys and knew I had to get there.

My first period was kind of weird. It didn't feel wrong as such (I knew it was coming), but it was something I defiantly did not want, and still don't want! It's always felt like this unnecessary and certainly inconveniencing process though, because I've never particularly liked or ever even thought about having children of my own.
But my mother even commented on me liking 'boyish things' as a child. I always drew monsters and weird stuff (still do, mind you) and loved dinosaurs and animals and dragons etc. I still love all of that stuff too. 

I don't remember ever saying anything about disliking (or even acknowledging) my sex younger than 12 though. I'll have to ask around.

Quote from: justmeinoz on June 12, 2010, 06:36:46 AMThe past is definitely a different country kids, believe me!

If there had been the help available then, that there is today, I would have been able to live my life as the woman man I should always have been.

I am really happy for you kids being able to do what we could not. I am not jealous...

I'll admit it- I am jealous of the younger guys. But I'm also very happy for them and it gives me great hope for the future. Hopefully things will continue to get better for transsexuals.

If I didn't know before, I did after watching TV last night.

I watched "Bend it Like Beckham" for the third or fourth time, as I think it is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. On TV not the DVD this time.   

This time  my reaction was very different.  In the scene where Jess is explaining to her Sikh family that she has been offered a US College Scholarship, and wants to play soccer there, and if they stop her it would break her heart, I cried. 

Her lines about following her dream were absolutley beautiful, and affected me in a way they never did before. Even now I am feeling a bit emotional typing this.

Quote from: Rowan on June 12, 2010, 05:59:51 PM
I think I've always known. I've always felt out of place and masculine. I never had a name for it.

Growing up, I always identified with male characters in stories, and I had no idea why it felt so right, when trying to identify with the chicks always felt so wrong.

Same here. I knew I was a boy no later than age 4, when I had a big fight with my mom about reading "girl books."

Quote
Around puberty I think I had the opposite reaction from a lot of guys here. I thought to myself "Thank God!" Maybe once I grow boobs I'll feel like a proper girl. Maybe once I have my period I'll feel like a proper girl. Eventually it became: Maybe when I have BIGGER boobs I'll feel like a proper girl. This spanned from age eleven until about twenty three. This constant feeling of needing to try harder and harder to feel "right."

This, exactly. I kept hoping that something - some hormonal or biological or life change - would make me feel like a "real woman." I desperately wanted to have kids for the longest time, with this weird sense of urgency, like I had to do it before I imploded. And I don't know if it was that I needed to have kids before admitting I was trans again, or whether I thought having a baby would make me a woman, or what.

(I did have some negative reactions to puberty. I started trying to bind my breasts from the moment they started to become noticeable. I hated them. But I felt ashamed of hating them. Actually, I was ashamed of basically everythign I did or felt.)

Quote
I would see a pretty, confident girl in a dress... so I would by a dress like that. Not because I wanted to look like her, but because I wanted to feel like her. I wanted it to make sense so badly. Problem is, I would put on said dress, and feel like I was a in a disguise. I would grow my hair long, felt like I was in disguise.

I did exactly that. I tried so hard do be a girl but I could never get it right. It was always a ridiculous costume.