This is the summarization of my story so far and I was hoping maybe for some input so I know I'm not just out of my mind. Bare with me. I can't even be sure I'll present in the right manner.

I was born a male, or so they tell me. Lets get that out of the way up front. From an early age, maybe around 10 or so, I noticed a desire in myself to wear girls clothing. Maybe it was seeing the girls at school and wondering how nice this or that dress might look on me. When I had the opportunity to aquire a dress to try it on, I was pleased with how it made me feel to wear it.

Over the years as I got older, my desire to wear the shoes and clothing associated with girls did not decrease and I managed to collect a small cache of these articles for own personal collection. Occasionally someone might find my stuff, wonder why it was there, get me all embarassed and I'd have to make up some sort of excuse where it came from. I think my brother took special pleasure in trying to discover this little secret of mine.

As I further grew up, moving through high school, I had become familiar with the terminology of what it was to be a crossdresser and felt confident that was probably what I should classify myself as. I still had little confidence to try to crossdress outside of the home.

Once I started to attend a university, I think my crossdressing activities started to present opportunities I had been hoping for. For Halloween my freshmen year, I took the opportunity to finally try to dress up in public for a halloween party. This was the first time I actually just straight up walked into a store and bought some clothing and shoes, a big breakthru.

Over the next couple years, I returned to my secret dressing up and collecting articles of clothing, never really advancing, just a lot of the same stuff. I still felt like it was wrong but I was so used to doing it I just couldn't imagine not doing it.

The next big breakthru was after I got engaged to a wonderful woman and I felt it was time to let her in on my biggest secret. What happened next I could not have guessed. She understood and embraced the idea. She told me she was attacted to both men and women and if I wanted to dress as a woman sometimes then she'd be attacted to me both ways anyways. Needless to say, that was definitely something good to hear. The one person I planned to marry liked the idea and would encourage me every step of the way.

With much needed support and confidence bestowed upon by my soon after wife, my collection of stuff grew quickly. We even had a number of matching outfits and shoes. One thing I did notice was that my desire to dress up was very sparatic after my wife started to support me. This confused me since it seemed to be a more constant thing before hand. I dismissed it at the time as just maybe getting tired with the whole thing finally.

Fast foward a couple years to maybe a month or so. I'm not sure what exactly got me thinking of the idea, but I decided to make an additional myspace page for a female version of me. Where as my page was very straightfoward and informative, I had hers very feminine with fairies and a goth like feel to it. I'm a little hazy right now as to what inspired me to do this but when I set out to do it, I put what I would consider to be an excessive effort into it like it meant the world to me to do. Again, I was confused but starting to see the picture a little better. Why would I have such a developed female persona when I hadn't given that idea much though.

Again fastfoward to last thursday. Everyone's a sleep now aren't they? Right well last thursday I happened upon a very well done webcomic called Venus Envy at http://venusenvy.comicgenesis.com/. If you haven't read this webcomic, as soon as you're done reading this and/or commenting on my rambling, read it from start to end. Its a story about a young transsexual girl who was experiencing typical high school problems with a special blend of TS issues. You grow to care for all the characters and invest in their growth.

Right back on track, so after reading through this comic, I start to ask myself "What if I'm transsexual?" since having a developed female persona that demands to be heard and not realizing it was there is not exactly normal. Of course I could also fall under just a straight crossdresser or a ->-bleeped-<- or something inbetween. I decided I would need to investigate this further, so I started a little identity crisis over the weekend to kind of ask myself some hard questions and figure out what to do next. I informed my wife what I was doing and asked her if she would support me all the way if I ended up having to transition, citing we might have to move, get new jobs, be alienated from family, pay for expensive surgeries, experience painful procedures, and all the changes that would be brought about with that path. I also made sure she realized I was only asking if she would support me if it was necessary and that I would have to figure out what I really was.

Well here is what my conclusion ended up being. I definitely felt a female side to me that wanted to just be a girl, dress up, be playful, just be fun loving, compassionate and thoughtful. I also though realized there was a side of me that was definitely male, aggressive, straight foward, competitive, and powerful.

Then it all clicked. The aspects that make up me could be defined as belonging to one of two very seperate and unique personas, one male and one female. I thought "Am I just making up a distinction or are their really two inside?". When I found the term bi-gendered describing the existance of two personas which described my conclusion I had arrived at seperately, I felt I probably had finally figured it out and it all made sense, everything.

I decided on a female name for my female persona with my wife, started talking in plural alot,(I doubt thats gonna stop any time soon), and started to make plans on where I would go from here. This is where I think it gets weird. I've been known to talk to myself in the past and finally I think there was good reason for it that I was overlooking because it was usually telling myself "what are you doing?" (Apparently we don't see eye to eye all the time)

For lack of a better description, I had a conversation with myself about what to do from here. Now I doubt I could ever go through any kind of major surgery because it would be expensive and painful and we can't just forget about the male side, can we? I did agree to seperate up my choice of attire with my other better half(thinly veiled Androgyne joke) under the condition that it didn't cause too much problems for my wife and I. No problems there, easy enough. Next we thought about maybe improving my grooming, specifically getting rid through conventional means all hair that isn't necessary for my survival. We've been growing our hair out for a number of months now, so I think we got the hair on head issue covered already too. I think the biggest change would just be better grooming which I can't say is a bad thing either way.

So far so good.

I was not expecting the rest of my life experiences to all have made sense all of a sudden though. I should save my past strange experiences for another post sometime. You've read enough and you're hoping I stop anyways right.

Well if you're so inclined, I'd love to hear your comments. Be gentle.

Marq and Mia

Dear Marq and Mia too,

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome. I am glad you have someone so close in your life that has been able to support you through all of this. You will find many more friends here.

My name around here is Madison (maddy if you prefer) and I have been spending a lot of time in the recent past trying to make sense of my own androgyne existence. And as was being discussed on a topic in the past couple days, somehow just dealing with it works wonders in making some sense of it, finding some peace with it.

My main goal of late, has been really figuring out not just who I am, but how I can represent that to myself and the outside world in some cogent way. For me there are so many issues of gender identification beyond clothing. And yet, as I've learned in my life, it is a lot easier to explain your atypical emotions and penchant for chick flicks, love stories, and period dramas than it is to explain away the desire to dress and act in an feminine manner (especially wearing a dress while watching a period drama )

I look forward to learning more about your "strange" experiences, your insight, and where exactly your realization is taking you. I would especially hearing bits of your conversation with yourself, of which I too have had many. Thank you again for sharing and am sure we will have many more correspondence soon. Oh and thank you for the tip on the comic, I will be sure to check it out.

merry day,
Madison

Maddy,
Thank you for the welcome. I appreciate it greatly. I was talking with my wife today about whether it would be a good idea to get involved in forums on Transgendered topics. We had a mutual fear about doing so though. She commented to me that one of the problems that Bisexuals experience is that the straight community doesn't understand why they're gay and the gay/lesbian community has trouble relating bisexuals because bisexuals are still interested in the opposite sex. I envisioned something similiar might occur.

I was most pleased to find a forum specifically for Androgyne issues since that will hopefully limit the number of people who say "What, one gender isn't good enough for you, you have to play both sides."
Not by choice, but loving it none the less. Both of us.

As far as how to deal with an Androgyne existance, I can't say my advice has an weight to it but yeah just going with what feels right is going to be the right path. If something seems out of place, make note of it, and explore that one thing seperately when you have a chance. Eventually you're going to find that the pieces really do fit together after you've gained enough perspective on each piece. Address what makes you you. Try to understand why you do each thing, I believe thats how I eventually came to seeing the bigger picture. For example, when I represented a female persona in my creativity seemingly out of nowhere, I noted it, thought about it for a while and moved on till I found the next piece that attached that piece to the rest of the picture. A slow gradual growing pattern with produce a beautiful picture eventually.

About explaining different atypical behaviors that might seem out of place for your birth sex, i think because its easier for people to just dismiss it as "oh hes just a sensitive guy" or "he's just so romantic" instead of many addressing the possibility that the person inside isn't who is seen outside. Its not unheard of that men can act feminine. People try to call it "Hes in touch with his feminine side" and from what I seen, women love that in a guy. As far as the dressing up goes, if you're physically a guy but you've got some girl in you, she wants to be recognized and that might just mean the seemingly unexplained desire to not look like a male will show there is someone else inside. When I was young, I didn't understand what was going on, I just knew I wanted to wear the girl stuff. Way to young to be influenced by what society wants of us yet, I aquired the desire which over the years could not be extinquished.

As far as my conversations between both sides of me, I'm rather embarassed about those. I could never really demonstrate how they really go. When you share one body you don't actually have to say anything to be talking to yourself.(Though it seems I usually talk one side of the conversation out loud) I do have theories why I might talk one side of the conversation out loud. Either the one talking is the one thats outwardly being represented at the time or more likely the silent one is hijacking the voice to get the others attention, since talking when you aren't saying anything would probably make you stop and notice. Lets see, what have we talked about. I know what agreements we've come to through these talks, for one, since Marq gets to dress us as a guy all the time outside the house, that the option for what we were in the house is completely up to Mia. Now most of the time shes just like whatever we're wearing is fine but atleast if she wants to wear something else shes got priority. And wow does my wife support me when I do wear female attire. She is all over me like....right um where was I. (Is everyone thinking what is wrong with him).

One might ask are you just making up these personas. I've considered that possibility but I don't believe it. I've had a number of instances where the change of which persona was so abrupt and so extreme that even I can feel its like a switch being flipped. So I'm confident that we're both in here. Those experiences I was hinting at are only further proof. I have to read through my general and compile a good list before I share them. But fear not, I shall deliver.

Let me think, any other conversations I can remember. I think Mia probably doesn't like the way I treat our body and shes verbal about it. I don't eat properly or should I say I don't eat enough. We're quite thin and I just don't have the motivation to eat a lot of times. This does bother her greatly and we've dicussed better ways of taking care of ourself. That one seems to have happened a couple times but I think we're finally gonna do something about it.

Alright we're hungry, time for a snack. (see she's winning the battle slowly)

- Us

As long as you are comfortable with your genders (both of them) and how they are expressed and live currently then there is no problem. If you are starting to feel identity discomfort though, then it depends on the reason. One must be neglected or hurt or something.

Welcome to the androgyne section, the section where there isnt just male and just female.

I look forward to hearing more how it goes.

Now as far as conflict goes, any good relationship between two people should grow by adapting to each other over time. The same thing would go for a relationship between the genders within me. As each grows through experiences I live, they constantly adapt to the changes. Were as I could just as easily just make the adaptions silently, if I verbalize these changes both in my mind and out loud then I can have closure on that change. To recognize the problem and its solution is better then just fixing it behind the scenes and having no record of it. You can't learn further from the past if you don't have one to learn from.

On that note, its not like I start to beat myself up or anything because the conflicts are always small, never get serious enough to ever be a real problem. I just think its cute how I prefer to verbalize it aloud. Because of this relationship though, I've gotten so good at communicating with other people. Its the same practice just with those around me, making my social network(friends and family) a firm and solid one.

-Us

Hi Marq and Mia,

I find your story very interesting - I have not read everything you have wrote as you have been busy here .

I mainly consider myself a CD but it is interesting that I feel more confortabe going out as  a 'Man in a skirt' then trying to pass. I can be out all day in a skirt and it would not bother me but as soon as I try and dress to pass I have my limits as to how long I am willing to be out arround people.

I look forward to hear from you. I am somewhere in the Androgyne world  - it is where I am most comfortable.

Alice/Alan

Finally get a chance to read this one...Welcome Marq and Mia, I have enjoyed your posts on other topics and understand some of the things you have said a little better since reading this.

You are blessed that your wife not only understands and supports your needs, but gets "stimulated" (now there's an expression that isn't used much any more) when you dress as Mia.  If you haven't taken the time to tell her how special she is, you better!

I believe that one of the things that makes this section so exciting is that many of us have shared our struggle.  Most of us are searching and trying to get a handle on who we are, how best to express that to others, how to deal with their reactions, how best to describe ourselves to others, and just generally what it means to live a lifestyle such as ours.  We are at different points in our journey, but none of us are "there" (if that is even possible to reach).  Your comments and questions have enhanced the richness of this group, please keep them coming.

Madison...you continue to probe the meaning of our existence and how best to describe that in simple terms that others can understand.  Awesome.  Keep pushing and maybe together we can all come up with an answer or two.

Ken/Kendra...you are the "old soul" of the group.  You have struggled to keep this section viable long before many of us joined Susan's.  You are my hero and I have great admiration and respect for you.   Add the fact that I love your posts and creativity (I'm still trying to get time to play with the dolls), and it is easy to see why you are so well liked by everyone here.

Alice/Alan...Welcome to the Dark Side  >  I have read many of your posts in the past, but I do believe this is the first time I have heard you state that you are "somewhere in the Androgyne world."  Then again, I haven't read everything, so I could be wrong.  (Hey, it happens...all the time, it seems).  In any case, your openness and boldness (I haven't had the courage to stay out in public all day in a dress) are great qualities, and I look forward to more posts from you in this section.

As for me...I'm running for Miss Congeniality and what I really want is "World Peace" 

.....Laurie

I've thought of an interesting addition, just a quick few sentences.

My mom has told me multiple times that after having my brother, they were hoping for a girl when she got pregnant again. I envision to myself sometimes that they attempted some of those old wives tales like what foods to eat to have a girl when you're pregnant. Obviously though I was not meant to be born a girl but perhaps that desire of theirs might have given them a child that would be well adjusted. Just a silly little idea I thought I would tack on. I always joke that I was their biggest let down with them because they wanted a girl and I ruined everything when I was born because I know they like me best of my older brother and younger sister. It made sense to have me in the middle because I got along with both sibblings and neither of them got along with each other.

-Us

Oh wow!
Just read this topic Marq and Mia. You have expressed yourself well.
I'm encouraged by what you have wrote; So I'm not  the only one who talks to myself and often voice part of the conversation out loud.

Me, I'm a 100% gentle male and Jillieann is 100% lovely female. No really middle ground.

Oh,  I was a big let down for my dad when I was born. First I was not born a female (phyically) and second I was not a real man's man (if you get my drift). Couldn't win for losing.  I was the first born than dad got his wish and had two daughters.

Again thank's for the encouragement.
Looking forward to more conversing with you.

Jillieann/JR

Hey Jillieann,
Thanks for checking out my story. Thank you for the compliment on me expressing myself. I've asked my parents, they told me I wasn't a big let down, but I've always teased them about having messed me up because they wanted a girl. I've always had to excel over my brother and sister to get their attention being the middle child and I have to say I'm the most well adjusted of the 3.

I just thought I was eccentric before I understood why I talk out loud to myself. It usually involves disapproval with my current behavior, so now that I thought about it, it made sense I would even be doing it in the first place if I'm doing something bad that the other side doesn't approve of.

I look foward to talking some more with you too.
Any time you need to PM me, don't hesitate. We're all ears.