I've come to a point where I really want to move forward and become the man I should be but this means coming out to the people close to me. My boyfriend , who has known a while, is so incredibly supportive and promises to love me still but I hate to think i'm taking anything away from him. I don't want to hurt him when he see's me as a man and will never see his girlfriend again. Plus, and i know this may never happen anyway, I feel bad that he has to get married and have kids with a man when he isnt gay. This is really hurting me and I know I should do what I need to do but I just feel so awful on him. I love him so much and I cant believe how supportive he is.

Another problem is today I found out my grandad has a problem with gays and if/when I become a man I will be gay so I hope he can be understanding. My boyfriend is worried there as he really respects my grandad and doesnt want my grandad to not like him anymore.

Last issue is my mum last night told me to get my eyebrows waxed, hair done up etc so that I can be more confident in myself. In high school I told her I was upset when people thought I was a boy. The truth was I did like it when they thought I was a boy but because I fancied boys and there is a lot of pressure to have a boy/girlfriend in high school I wanted to look more feminine so I could get a guy. Plus people would laugh at me and talk about me behind my back for looking like a boy so I did try to be more feminine so I could fit in. So now my mum thinks i have no confidence because im not feminine and shes trying to get me to get some sort of make over :S. So I feel like now is a time to come out but Im scared that everything will fall apart for me.

Gender is just tearing me apart. I cant escape it and its making life a bigger hell than it already is. I dont know what to do. I feel like its easier to just end my life but I know its selfish and though my pain may end, it wouldnt for everyone else. For now I'm trying to ignore and get on with life but its always there at the back on my head niggling away at me.

This is a delima.   We all go through these times of thoughts, I think.

I've talked about my Gender Identity with my dad when I was about 23, and while he was suprised, he seemed ok.  We never talked about it again, though.

My mom caught me wearing her make up when I was 14 and I was so scared and thought I was a freak, I suppressed everything until I moved out and lived on my own.   I think if I have the conversation with her, she'll be upset, but will learn to accept it.

My Brother, on the other hand, I think would be a problem.   I care a lot about him and my niece, but he's always been a very macho sort.  He is even in a bike "club".   I'm afraid of what he'd think and do if I were to tell him.   In fact, he's the only reason I've not talked to my family about my gender. 

It's very tough.   I have no real advise for you, I'm afraid.   But you have someone who loves you and says they care for you.  Perhaps you should trust that they'll be there for you during the transition.   Do what you you feel is best for you, not what others feel are best for you.  *shrug* ... I feel like it's the blind leading the blind, here.

We have lots of reasons for not becoming ourselves.  I felt obligated to live the life of a man for much of my life even though I knew I wasn't one. 

I think at some point you have to think about what you are willing to give up in order to live as yourself.  I realized I might lose all my friends, have to move out of town, perhaps even be physically attacked or killed.  When I could finally accept those things, I began coming out to my friends and then my family.  I was pleasantly surprised at the support I got and now wonder why I was so scared.

Many of us do worst-case-scenario thinking.  When you are ready, MRH, you can do your homework and begin coming out to people in your life.  You've already come out to your boyfriend, so you have a start.  Can you get counseling or therapy?  That helped me a lot.

I have a close friend whose parents were against gays until they found out their son is gay.  Now they love his partner as a son-in-law.  Often you don't know how people are going to react.

During my early transition I discovered that the biggest barriers I encountered were those I had erected myself.  You may find the same thing.  Getting started is the hardest part.  There are many obstacles as you go along, but getting started is usually the biggest one.

I wish you good things as you start on a wonderful adventure.

- Kate

I have a support worker who helps me deal with some other issues and i've told her and she's trying to help. Shes not really sure what to do though. I guess even If I do transistion it'll be a long time at this rate. Im from the UK and though I may get it all free the NHS is incredibly slow so i'm looking at a couple of years anyway and maybe by then my boyfriend will be able to deal with some of the issues he has. And we may even have split up by then for other reasons (but I hope not). No matter how much I comfort myself on this it still always comes back to make me feel bad.

It is normal for us to wait years to start coming to terms with our gender issues, but when we do we want to do it all at once.  This is a long process.  It takes most of us years.  The more of your issues you deal with and can control, the easier it will be to actually transition.

One job I had was to hold a fire extinguisher for a welder.  I had never done any welding at that point in my life, so I would watch him carefully.  He would do a lot of things before he lit his torch, often working for over half an hour before laying a bead that took him only a few minutes.  I realized that most of the work was in the preparation.  Many things are like that, including transition.

Perhaps your support worker can help you work on all the preparations that help ease a transition that you do later.

- Kate