Is there anyone in the world who is trustworthy? Seriously? I mean I'm no saint. I have occasionally said a nasty word behind someones back or taken pleasure in a bit of gossip but I do have respect for people especially with issues as big as trans sexuality. I have a small social circle consisting of me, my partner, my partners two best mates and one of my friends. Now my friend (just for this she will be called Lauren) is in a relationship with my partners mate (and again just for this his name is Tom). Because I trust (or trusted) these people I thought it was time to share my secret. I told Lauren and I said that my partner would tell Tom and our other friend soon once I was ready. Lauren seemed understanding though slightly confused and swore not to tell anyone. Now my partner spoke to his friend yesterday who , although now feels a little uneasy with me, is trying to understand and seems supportive. Now it was Toms turn and apparently he already knew through Lauren and he didnt seem so understanding. Now i'm not too bothered she told him. I mean we usually share secrets with our partners but I know how she will of put it across and it will of been negative. I know for a fact there will of been some bitching involved and plus he used to be a very understanding, kind person before going out with her. All he could say to my partner was "I dont see why she needs to change her body"  and theres that word! HER!
Grr... I really hate people. No one is trustworthy anymore and the really funny thing is I just asked her if she has spoken to anyone and the answer I got was
"i said id keep it to myself and i meant it so no, i haven't told anyone else." People are so full of s**t!

I'm sorry!   I think that was really disrespectful of her, telling a secret that was that important.  I think you should let her know that you are disappointed that she did not respect you and broke your trust.  It's particularly not nice of her to lie to you about telling him.  You don't need to be rude, but she needs to understand that her actions were not acceptable and that you're upset about it.

I'd suggest talking to "Tom" in private, and explaining to him how things really are.  There are trustworthy people out there, but they're not easy to find.  I hope your situation gets better soon.

May I suggest you let Tom make up his own mind?

Lauren told him, no real surprise. She might be a bit negative. He loss.

Whatever Tom thinks, it's up to him.

One thing I've learnt is you can control what people think. You can control what you think and should.

I cant confront Lauren because then she will go to Tom and then Tom will know that my partner has obviously told me and so everything will kick off.
And Im ok that Tom said that but its just...I know he would of felt differently and understood better if my partner or myself had told him. Lauren will of corrupted his view on things. He would of probably understood my need to change....but now...now it just seems like him and Lauren see me as a freak.

"Rule of Relationships"; never tell a person who is in a romantic relationship anything important to you, unless you fully understand they will likely tell their partner before you do.

It sucks, I know. :\

I've completely refrained from telling entire circles of people because I -know- that all it takes is one couple to ruin the entire thing.

I told my best friend David a while back, and he told his girlfriend without me so much as hinting that it'd be okay for him to do so, but I expected him to tell her anyway, so it wasn't too difficult for me to wrap my head around.

People suck, yeah. Unfortunately the people you trust aren't always going to be respectful of your wishes, no matter how much they say they will be. I know I've lost a relationship in the past simply because I didn't want to tell my partner every little secret of my long-established friends, but I know that a good deal of them wouldn't make such a sacrifice for me.

I'm really sorry you have to go through this, but maybe you can still find a way to talk to Tom about it without letting anyone know that people have been blabbing when they shouldn't be?

Good luck. :]

Quote from: MRH on June 16, 2010, 02:30:00 PM
I cant confront Lauren because then she will go to Tom and then Tom will know that my partner has obviously told me and so everything will kick off.
And Im ok that Tom said that but its just...I know he would of felt differently and understood better if my partner or myself had told him. Lauren will of corrupted his view on things. He would of probably understood my need to change....but now...now it just seems like him and Lauren see me as a freak.

You can't control what others think.

If they do think you're a freak, as you put it, then their is their loss.

Seems to me, that people who think they can pass judgement on others like that are pretty freaked out themselves. 

You've allowed yourself to get into a spiral panic over this. You need to remember who you are. If you don't love yourself then no-one will.

Quote from: Laura91 on June 16, 2010, 04:54:19 PM

Most people can not be trusted and will talk behind your back at the drop of a hat. I've seen this too many times with people and it never surprises me anymore. When people are told about something like this, most of them will show their true colors very quickly.

I agree with this, it's sad but true. 

Quote from: Hermione01 on June 16, 2010, 07:38:13 PM
I agree with this, it's sad but true. 

That's why I just keep to myself

The upside:
"I can't understand why..' means he simply can't understand yet. Since he can't understand yet, you are, to him, still a 'she.' As soon as he gets used to the idea, he'll call you 'he.' How do I know? Because he didn't respond negatively at all. He just admitted to not understanding. He's not committed a crime.

As for 'Lauren:' Partners don't count as 'not telling someone.' If you tell someone something, they will tell their partner, especially if it's something big. Because that's what partners are for; they share things. I know that may be bad from your perspective, but still...

Anyway; I wouldn't mind if someone outed me like that. Then again; I'm probably just weird that way.

Quote from: Dryad on June 16, 2010, 08:04:54 PM


Because that's what partners are for;

Partners are also for square dancing 

i know how you feel about people and when i moved i stopped hanging out with groups cause i cant trust anyone because of people i mostly stay home now and talk to like only 2 people outside my family :s

This is really not getting my hopes up as far as coming out is concerned. I hadn't thought of it before but if I tell my best friend he'll tell his mom who will call up mine. I don't hate people but sometimes they suck.

I hope your friends understand in the end. Now that they know it's in their hands. If they decide you're a freak then they lose a friend and you lose contact with two close minded people.

Please don't lose hope in telling people that you care about or people that care about you. There will be SOME that might act an ass but then there will be those that are so supportive that you wondered why you never told them to begin with. You can't ball everyone up in the same corner, just like WE don't like being balled up into one corner. Everyone is an individual. You have to sort of, just look at people in that regard, to try and see which you might be able to trust, which you can't...and those that turn on you after you've told..then they weren't worth it in the first place...they can go suck an egg.

Also, some in the beginning might react in a negative way, but that might just be ignorance, fear and many other reasons. Give people a chance to adjust before you throw them out with the trash.

Its not so much the telling people part that gets to me. I get that people tell their partners things and i'm not really mad there. What annoyed me was HOW she told him. I said to her that my partner was gonna tell Tom because he understands my situation better and can explain it better. For the last month Tom has been different around me. I feel that if my partner had spoken to him first he would have a better understanding but because Lauren got their first they both seem to be giving me odd looks and no doubt they are laughing at me.
If someone was to say "Look this is how she has felt from a young age and its been very hard for her and she has tried to get past it but shes finally come to terms with her gender" then he may of been more supportive
but if someone was to say "Oh my god, Meg told me this and I cant believe it, she wants to be a guy" well it kinda makes everything look like a joke. Ok I dont know if thats how she put it but with all the gossip she has said to me I get a good feeling it will be a long those lines.

Ok -  a bit of friendly advice from an old timer.

It helps if before you tell anyone anything you can accept the fact that once the secret is out there, you cannot control the information. People will tell who they like and in whatever way they like.

It also helps if before you come out you are quite clear that you are doing this for YOU and not because someone else may either approve or disapprove.

They fact is when you come out you can not predict how anyone will react. By experience some people will be sympathetic and will understand and others won't. So you need to be clear in you own mind that you are ready to face that lottery in which you may suddenly lose your best mate, and by paradox also find that your previous worst enemy is now your biggest defender.

I repeat, you do this for yourself and because it is who you are. If others can't accept that fact then they aren't real friends anyway so dump them and find a few people who are and can. Either way please don't lose faith in everyone just because a few people trun out to be immature. That, as they say, is life, and happily not everyone is the same.

Trust me I hated people long before this happened. I guess it just made me even more angry towards the human race.

This one of the reasons why I have never ever told anyone about my past life, why I was never involved with the community and also one of the reasons why I never came out to my family.  Unless of course it is extremely necessary and then again I will think twice about saying anything, like just recently, I had to have a second screening on my left breast and eventually a biopsy, because the first mammogram revealed something (tests came back clear).  Did I say anything? No.

It only took one family member to reveal my intentions (yes he was aware of where I was going and what I was going to do to a certain extent and to make sure I would be all right) but family pressures eventually led him to reveal certain things and then basically the whole family knew. 

The only other times are when I made a stuff up and those stuff ups are extremely few in number.  Even some of my doctors that I have had, never knew.

I am a very private person in regards to what I did and that is why I'm always treated as a female, because they do not know about my past.  Human nature being what it is, can and will treat different groups of people differently.

As Rejennyrated said "It helps if before you tell anyone anything you can accept the fact that once the secret is out there, you cannot control the information. People will tell who they like and in whatever way they like."  So true, So true.

So if you don't want people to know something about your private life. Then keep it to yourself.

Kind regards
Sarah B

I keep posting this quote, but I guess people don't read it.  But it comes from people who are conducting ongoing criminal enterprises, and they are serious about it because lots of people in the group found out the hard way.

Three can keep a secret if two are dead
      Hell's Angels motto

If you tell someone, you might as well tell everyone.  As the gays found out - OUT IS OUT.  Once someone knows, then everyone knows.

However, there is an upside to this.  It's that you're in control of the entire deal, you can get out in front of it, control the information by being the person to tell everyone first.  And once everyone knows, then you don't have anything to worry about in terms of people finding out something.

Quote from: tekla on June 20, 2010, 01:33:40 PMThree can keep a secret if two are dead
      Hell's Angels motto

Why not "Two can keep a secret if one is dead"?

As alluded to above, if two know, then three know.  People just can't keep their mouth shut.  That's why the Al Pacino character in The Godfather was always telling his wife Kay "don't ever ask me about my business."  It was as much about protecting her, as it was about protecting himself.