I was introduced to a new feeling yesterday. One of my teachers took roll and when he called out my birth name I almost didn't answer. It's only been a little while since I last thought of myself as my birth name, so I was surprised to find it irked me to be addressed that way and not as Coppelia. It's silly of me to feel like everyone should now call me something other than what is in the records, but I hadn't heard my name in at least a month since my mom calls me honey and my brothers have their own nicknames for me. When he asked if I preferred a nickname I almost told him to call me Coco.

This led me to thinking perhaps I should just come out as a girl, and get all the confusion sorted out. The problem is I feel very self-conscious about it, and not for obvious physical reasons. I wasn't raised as a girl. Despite having an older brother I was the "man" of the house instead of my absent father. With my mom working all day, I've been the father my little brothers never had since I was 7. Now that they too are off to college I've finally had time to figure myself out. But I feel like if I were to tell someone I'm a girl they would ask me to prove it, like I can whip out a laundry list of characteristics that make me a girl. My evidence has always been for myself, like something a girl says thats makes complete sense to me but baffles the guy next to me or other such situations. I have never written down a single incident in the event that I had to argue my case later on. I can't fault anyone for never seeing fit to teach a boy how to be a girl. I can't go around telling everyone that the first time I got to 2nd base with a girl I wanted to be her more than I wanted to be with her (I especially couldn't talk about that with my mother). I don't think many would understand that putting on a dress makes me feel better in my skin. I also doubt people will believe me if I just say that I know in my heart that I was born in the wrong body.

At this point I know I'm not ready to live completely as a girl but I really want to tell at the very least my closest friends. I need to hear someone call me Coppelia. I need to know someone recognizes the fact that I am a girl where it matters and I don't want to have to prove it to anyone but myself.

Hi Coppe'lia ( sorry how do you get the ' above the e?

You sound like a very nice young woman who is waking up to who you are. Don't struggle take your time this is a journey that needs contemplation and work. Lots of things go right some go wrong. Doesn't matter.

Can you get to a gender therapist? It varies from country to country and I'm in Australia so my information may not be of use anywhere else. I'm sure Janet and Kate will be in contact soon about posting rights etc. Have a look through the threads to sort out information. And remember to post, 'cos you are now family. The family that will never be concerned that you are TG

Hugs from Australia

Cindy

I can barely afford going to college but you're right. A gender therapist is most likely what I need. I'll look into it when I finish the term.

@Cindy

In Windows, you may use the following combinations of keystrokes. Here is how it works: First, make sure NumLock is on. For é, press and hold the ALT key while you key in the numbers 0233 using the number pad on the right side of the keyboard. Here are all the combinations you should need!

    * ALT+0224-->à
    * ALT+0226-->â
    * ALT+0230-->æ
    * ALT+0231-->ç
    * ALT+0232-->è
    * ALT+0233-->é
    * ALT+0234-->ê
    * ALT+0235-->ë
    * ALT+0238-->î
    * ALT+0239-->ï
    * ALT+0244-->ô
    * ALT+0251-->û
    * ALT+0249-->ù
    * ALT+0156-->œ

Hey Coppélia. I know what you mean about the name thing. I have a very female name that I still have attached to  me at work. I think telling your closest and most trusted friends would be a wise option, who knows, they might start calling you Coppélia. That's how it happened with me. Even though at work I still go by my birth name, which makes me shudder and cringe, my friends call me Wes and it just brings a big warm and toasty feeling to my heart when they do =) Those that love you WILL love you no matter what. I found that out and found out that the support from them is aces even though in the beginning I was VERY VERY scared to tell them.

Thanks a bunch Bones. I hope they do. That would be awesome.

I am very scared though. My closest female friend lives 80 miles away. I haven't seen her in months and I couldn't possibly tell her over the phone (I hate talking on the phone) but I haven't been able to schedule a meeting with her. Another thing is that my very best friend is a guy. I can usually talk to him about my emotional problems (and visa versa) but I don't know if he'll even be able to fathom what I'm going through much less understand it.

Have you ever thought of just testing the waters first? Like I used to ask people things like..."Hey! You know. I know this guy that used to be a chick and he's like an amazing person...what do you think of things like that?" And usually by their answers I can kind of gauge how they might react to me. I know it might be a little deceiving but it helped me when I first started coming out to people...that way I didn't have to take full responsibility yet...Probably not the best advice in the world.

Or even bring famous people into it...'Did you know that Chastity Bono is now a guy? Isn't that just really cool?"

Hi Coppélia (yes Ken it worked )

I think telling friends is difficult but also very cleansing. I posted previously about my new habit of spontaneously telling people that I'm Cindy and happy to be so. I have had no bad reactions. I have had shocked reactions and I have a lot of I don't comprehend reactions. But importantly I have not lost anyone that I care about.

Friends, as in true friends; like you, and you are you no matter what. That's the beauty and the hardship of being a friend to someone, it's unconditional.

Cindy

Bones you're awesome. Doubly so for the picture. I hadn't thought of it but now that you mention it, I am in fact writing a screenplay (sounds pompous but I am a film major). It's a Romantic Comedy featuring an MTF (I want to show there is more than just tragedy to our lives). That might be a good way to broach the subject.

Cindy, thanks for the support. Btw, I did get in contact with a gender therapist. I have to figure out if I can afford her. She says she's got a sliding scale so we'll see. Also, I'm lunching with my best friend tomorrow. I don't think he would ever outright reject me but I don't know if he would accept me entirely. Should I tell him now or wait till I've talked to the therapist? (I have no idea what to expect of that either)

Oh and I have a mac so I had not idea about the Num lock thing I just press alt e