No-one probably wants to hear this, but I really need to get down whats going through my head at the moment and this is probably as good a place as any.

I had my first session of laser hair removal yesterday, something that I have been wanting to do for so long but didn't have the money to pay for it. Ever since I'd made the appointment I had been so excited, for so long I'd considered it my next major step on the road to eventual transition and I couldn't believe that it was finally going to happen. Things had started to seem like they were finally moving along - this week I had also arranged my first voice therapy appointment, during the appointment I had with my therapist this week he started to refer to me as female instead of male (which was a really big deal for me, seeing as I'm still not dressing as female in public), I told my mother and some of my close friends about my intent to change my name to Megan and they were all so supportive. And also, a close friend told me that he had written a song about me and my transition and his band were playing it at their record launch this weekend, which I really wasn't expecting.

Ever since yesterday afternoon though, I've been so upset that I spent all last night and a good part of today lying on the couch crying. It was like having that first session of hair removal showed me just how far I still have to go before I'm where I need to be, and I just couldn't handle it. I just got home from a friends birthday party, where I thought everything was going OK, but then ended up locking myself in the bathroom and completely breaking down. The friend whose party it was walked me home, and although I'd already been quite open with him about most of the things that had been going on with me, when we got back to my house I ended up coming out with everything that I'd been golding back. I told him that sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't see the same person there that I was before, I told him that sometimes I'm scared about going out because people might see that under the male clothes that I'm wearing I have breasts that are so much bigger than I thought they would be at this point,  I told him that I'm not attracted to women any more and how weird that is for me, and I told him how worried I am about not being able to get to the point where other people can se me as female.

He hugged me and told me that he already saw me as a woman, and that he wished that my transition would be over tomorrow so that I could be who I should be and not have to worry about it any more, and that he was going to call me Megan from now on and only refer to me in the female sense.

I'm not too sure whether I'm crying now because I'm happy or because I'm still upset. Probably both. 

This post put a smile on my face.  Your transition does seem to be moving along nicely.  About breaking down, get used to it.  I've done it hundreds of times.  Sometimes because of transition but many times because I just get so emotional.  A few months ago, Leigh, the previous administrator of this forum and a dear friend of mine passed away.  I still cry about that and in fact was even doing that this morning.  I guess I'm still grieving.  Anyways, Megan is a lovely name.  That's what I named my very special daughter.   I'm so glad you are making progress.  Just remember the old chinese proverb "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Melissa

Awl...

(hugs)

All perfectly normal feelings, Megan. It's OK, and even expected to feel that way. One of the frustrating things about laser is you'll look pretty good for a few weeks after a session, but then the new growth starts to appear... which always made me SO sad. It almost seems hopeless, like you'll never get 'em gone. But you will. Persistence and patience are the keys to everything in transitioning, methinks.

I think I've become downright manic these days. I'll be darn near suicidal one day, dispairing at the hopelessness of ever accomplishing this.... and the next I'll be giggling constantly, on top of the world at how far I've come, and at how many changes I've made that I never thought were possible.

During *either* extreme, I try to remember that it's just... normal, part of the process, the mind and heart trying to heal an incredible rift that takes time and patience to mend.

QuoteI'm not too sure whether I'm crying now because I'm happy or because I'm still upset. Probably both.

You got it. Get used to it hon

But that's what we're here for too. Never feel afraid to reach out to everyone here... we're always happy to hold your hand and help you through the bad times.

Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate the support. I'm really grateful that there is a place like this where I can get it all out.

I'm in a bit of a funny place right now. I guess I'm still a bit upset about everything, and more than anything else this has really given me better perspective on where I am now and how far down the road I have to travel. And something that I think I'm coming to accept is that during the journey I'm going to be required to put myself way out of my comfort zone and do some things that scare me or make me feel uneasy. And that if I don't, I'm not going to be getting anywhere very quickly.

I decided to test myself today. I haven't had a decent bra that fit me properly ever since my breasts got big enough to be called breasts, and it's really getting to the point where it is uncomfortable to go without support. Today I said to myself, "Enough is enough!", walked into my local department store, went up to the womens section and asked if I could be fitted for a bra. Words can't describe how nervous I was, I've never outed myself in public quite like that before (only ever with words but not with actions). But everything went perfectly. The woman I spoke to went and found another woman in the same department, who helped me choose the style that I wanted, measured me for the right size, and let me use the womens changerooms in order to try the ones that I liked on. I did get a few dirty looks from some of the other female customers, but the woman who helped me was so nice, and she genuinely tried to make sure I found what I needed. I payed for what I had picked out, thanked her for being so understanding (to which she said it was no trouble at all), and left the store with a very big grin on my face.

I know it's only a small step, but now I know I can handle a small step like this one, and the next time I take a slightly bigger step I'll be a little bit less scared about taking it. Which is good, because its probably going to be me going out shopping tomorrow after work (in my whole corporate photocopy suit/tie get up) to buy a dress for my friends birthday/going to Europe costume party next weekend. I've known about this party for a few months and I've been endlessly debating myself as to whether or not I should be going dressed as female, and concluded a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to do it, and tried to justify it to myself by saying that I probably couldn't find the right shoes (I have unfortunately large feet, that mean I have to take a 1 and a half hour trip to the nearest store that sells womens shoes that will fit me, damn small town living). But this is a perfect opportunity for me to take another step forward, in an environment that I know and with people that care about me, and that I would be mad if I didn't take it, shoes or no shoes. I just have to figuire out what I'm going to do with my hair now.