This is a question I have tried to discuss on various forums over the years but very often people begin to feel defensive because where ever "difference" is involved, many folk try to turn difference into "better-than/worse-than".

If one accepts that gender is "a scale" (from masculine at one end to feminine at the other), there can also be another factor in "strength of expression". On that hypothesis, the average (non-trans) person would tend toward one end or the other and have a moderately strong expression. By the same token, one could be quite feminine (for example) with a weak expression and live comfortably androgynously.

Now if one assumes that "gender" on that scale is not necessarily fixed but may shift due to various factors throughout life, then everything we see makes sense.

Personally, as a child, I fell toward the feminine end with a fairly strong expression so it was apparent to most adults that "This kids isn't normal" but growing up in the 1950's the only "not-normal" that anyone knew about was homosexual - but I didn't fit there either.

Because of my gender and strength of expression, I HAD to fight to find the means of expressing myself. Despite the lack of resources (small village in the middle of a backwards area) and general ignorance, I HAD to ferret out information, find resources, and educate doctors in order to get help. (I also had to walk a fine line because if I pushed too hard, I would have been committed to an institution for being "delusional"!) Up until about 1967, I was the first 'transsexual' that most doctors had ever seen. (Dr. Benjamin's book, 1966, and being 'pronounced' by Dr. Benjamin that same year was the first credibility extended by the medical profession!) I simply could NOT pass for a boy in childhood and adjusting to male life was out of the question. The situation became even more acute after puberty.

Now I was not a frills-and-lace type of girl - more the horses and jeans type but with hormone therapy (1968) and SRS (1974) I noticed my drift toward ever more feminine in my basic gender as well as an increase in strength of expression.

In observing the trans community for the past decade, it would seem that the "gender scale" and "strength of expression" would explain the wide variation in "paths" and "time-lines ". Adding the idea of "gender drift" expands the envelope even more.

Hopefully no one will turn this into a better-than/worse-than debate. I really don't see it as any different from diabetes - some are struck early and severely and others "drift into it" through a lifetime.

I was born in 1953, and agree with Sandy that there simply was no information available to the general public.  If homosexuality was illegal, coming out as trans was likely to get you committed.

I can remember feeling "not right" in my teens, but there was no way of working out why.

The realisation  was a bit like waking up one morning and realising that you are not the only person in the world who is left-handed.

Actually, Jane, your theory makes a lot of sense to me.  I knew from an early age that I should be a girl, but the strength of my expression was weak enough that I could cope as a weak girly-boy and then an effeminate man for a long time.  Gradually, as I needed to become more effeminate (feminine) and wasn't gay, it became ever more difficult for me.

Even starting to live full-time, I thought I was neither a man nor a woman but would be happier presenting as a woman than I had been presenting as a man.  It was only after settling into life as a woman that I realized that I am not somewhere in the middle but am truly a woman.  It's taken me a long time to get here, but I have no doubts now that I am a woman and – in some ways – always have been.  A weak need for expression would explain a lot of that.

- Kate

 Up until about 1967, I was the first 'transsexual' that most doctors had ever seen. (Dr.
[/quote]

Here in my bit of England in 2010 I'm the first transsexual all of the many doctors, endocrinologists, surgeons, dentists etc have ever seen!  Not one of the 15 doctors at the last three clinics I have been registered at (essential in England due to NHS) has had any dealings with a TS before so I am quite used to informing them of what medication and what therapy I want/should have/am legally entitled to.   
We are still quite rare specimens.

Hi all,

I have often thought how my GID started or I should say a desire to express it more fully. For me it was at an early age that I began to wear some of my mum's clothes (looked ridiculous looking back) and at the age of 11 this became a regular thing. This was the 70's and I had no access to anything that would have helped me understand myself and I felt like a freak. I remember seeing a documentary in 1985 about Thailand and the transsexuals there and at the time I remember thinking I wished I could have done the same thing. It wasn't until early 2007 that I eventually plucked up enough courage to find help, a diagnosis and eventual surgery. If I knew what I know today I would have definitely got help sooner. I have never felt better, (ask me again after surgery, lol) I can not explain the difference and yet I feel for the first time complete instead of complicated if that makes sense. Whole instead of separate parts.

Did I drift into it? I suppose I did but it was always there and as K8 says I too did not have a strong self expression and conformed to what others thought and wanted.

Stardust   

I was born in 1953 also...   something in the kool aid?!

I've had gender dysphoria as long as I can remember. The need to express it has waxed and waned somewhat over the years.  The fear of what might happen if found out played a large role in keeping it private. 

I must agree with others, the internet and access to information made a big difference.

I was born in 1962..the original poster pretty much summed up my experience.

I never thought about anything else my whole life..i fell asleep concentrating on trying to be a woman in my dreams...LOL
BUT i didn't ever consider the fact that I was a "transsexual"...i had totally and completely separated my 2 lives...even in a marriage, with wonderful kids, and corporate job....i convinced myself that transition was impossible....so just live the man's life...

but i couldnt do it, at some point, i was no longer able to separate the two...in fact, there was only one..just like always.
sometimes i wonder if it was my survival instinct that kicked in..

figuring this out and accepting it saved me.

i would say that the hardcore narrative of "i knew when i was 5" really scared me..and it took alot of self reflection to plough ahead...i often thought about the OP's idea that I was just making this up (what a silly thing to make up!).. i had one horrible therapist that put me in a much deeper hole by telling me that it was "impossible" for me to be transsexual..

It makes sense to me that some of us "know" from first memory....i knew something at first memory too...probably we all face this huge fact and we are just little kids...we take this fact, which is scary, confusing, and frankly quite sad, and we deal with it as best we can
...some repress it, some fight it, some go on barbara walters at 7 yrs old!   

My wife has told me that she thinks that I am not transsexual because she can't see any signs to prove any other to her. I see a lot of me in this forum and can't understand why she can't see. I have a lot of the same fears and views. I can't seem to find anything that prove to me that I knew as a child, but when I was 20 when old memories of being molested surfaced that I had suppressed. I don't remember my childhood, but I have know for years that I am a woman. some are trying to blame the molestation for my disphoria. I don't think that it had anything to do with it. it makes me angry when they say things like this because it makes me feel like I am some kind of a fluke caused by someone else.

lainey thats why i posted...

the only thing that matters is what's in your head...everything else is about what you are able to do about it..

i got very depressed being told "you are not transsexual"...LOL......  for a long time, i didnt have the knowledge, resources or support to do anything but go back to my hole

this is about you and your life..

Since birth I've been "weird", on top of many things subconciously feminine/camp, and everyone else in my life has always picked up on that, and it's evident in my childhood photos that there's something going on.

However, when I became self aware I did not think I was a transsexual, I simply got confused because I had always assumed boys grew up to be girls. I didn't then go on to think I was a girl, I just became confused and started to question things. It wasn't until later that I started having weird thoughts. Going to touch parts that didn't exist. Looking in the mirror and double taking because I see someone else.

I can't remember how old I was then, the past ten years have been a muddle of confusion and stress. But if you tried to tell me I am "not a transsexual" - I would have to ask you to wear my shoes for a day because I know now what the confusion was about and I am certain.

Of course it would be silly to do anything without trying it out first. I lived for a year "behind the scenes" as a girl and those were the only times I was ever truly happy. Just need to come out now so I can try living "outside" as a girl and see if this is the real thing.

To be honest the first three quarters of my life were so confusing and are now so distant that I am trying not to look back then and take too much from it. All I know is for this quarter at least I have been certain, and that is "good enough for me" at least to try this out.

(NB: would never take hormones or any potentially permanent action without a "dress rehearsal" so to speak. Just gotta find something more suitable than socks for fake boobs  )

I knew at about 7-8 years old that something was wrong but was not sure what but i tended to play with the girls etc.it was at a dress up ball while away at a swim camp the girls conned me into going as a girl as i looked baby faced and i agreed to try it.When i walked out of the room it struck me what my problem was,finally at 13 years old the light bulb came on.There was nothing i could do about in New Zealand where i lived if i said something they would have locked me away as being nuts!!So i lived the male life with the help of some T and became this big muscular man at 280 lbs(became the mans man)when a medical problem forced the decision on me made what was to me the right decision to transition and am now a 238 lb muscular post-op lady(and now pas)but the changes came very slow at first even after going on spiro,Estro and progesterone but then after bi-orchi they came in a rush,so laineyjain go for it!!!!!!

I think there are many many facets to how and why disphoria manifests and because of the complexity, I think it would be impossible to explain even my own thoughts on the subject succinctly enough to be useful on a forum post where a single paragraph is often too many words to hold people.

I do think there is an ablative quality to dysphoria and our ability to stand against it weakens over time, regardless of how strong or weak our resolve may have been originally.  I'll just say that much for now.

I am no longer trying to fight it.  Most of my drive to prove is basically due to the fact that I never felt anything at all at a young age and then all the sudden, it manifested itself as crossdressing and then that wasn't enough to contain the feelings.  I don't know how to explain me feeling like a man at a young age and then feeling like a girl now.  It's not like I felt weird as a child and didn't know what it was.  I was a boy and then some feeling inside changed.  I can't explain it because it makes no sense.  I like myself as Lauren so I don't want to fight against "her" any longer.  I don't really have any traits internal or external that would be considered feminine, so the question of what to do seems obvious.  The answer should be simple if I don't have any traits considered female then I must be a man.  Somehow, I can't seem to shake the feelings and they always come back.  This is the part I cannot understand and is why I fear telling others.  My dysphoria does not hurt everyday but when it comes, it hurts like hell. 

While I have always felt I should be a girl, my ability to fight against that notion dropped off dramatically over the last couple years before I started transitioning.

Maybe your dysphoria had been there all along but your resistance to it was so strong, or the dysphoria was so weak, that you didn't notice it?  I could definitely imagine the bottom falling out of somebody's resistance to it like you describe.

Another thing you may find out is that you have some repressed memories that come into light as you break down mental barriers going through this period of self-discovery.

I don't mean to completely discount your idea, or even that there is a "nurture" component to this, but if there is, it just isn't consistent with my own experience.  I can't think of a single thing that happened in my life that would have caused me to turn out this way and some of my earliest memories were about me feeling like I should be a girl.  So unless something nefarious happened to me prior to age 2, this had to have been something I was born with.

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Post Merge: June 25, 2010, 07:31:19 PM

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By the way, masculine/feminine traits may correlate with ones gender identity but they are not directly connected, in my opinion.  Just because you don't have visibly feminine traits as a mtf does not mean you don't have gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria is pretty simple, if you have it, you have it; you don't have to prove yourself to anybody.

Quote from: Jen on June 25, 2010, 07:13:37 PM
While I have always felt I should be a girl, my ability to fight against that notion dropped off dramatically over the last couple years before I started transitioning.

Maybe your dysphoria had been there all along but your resistance to it was so strong, or the dysphoria was so weak, that you didn't notice it?  I could definitely imagine the bottom falling out of somebody's resistance to it like you describe.

Another thing you may find out is that you have some repressed memories that come into light as you break down mental barriers going through this period of self-discovery.

I don't mean to completely discount your idea, or even that there is a "nurture" component to this, but if there is, it just isn't consistent with my own experience.  I can't think of a single thing that happened in my life that would have caused me to turn out this way and some of my earliest memories were about me feeling like I should be a girl.  So unless something nefarious happened to me prior to age 2, this had to have been something I was born with.

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Post Merge: June 25, 2010, 07:31:19 PM

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By the way, masculine/feminine traits may correlate with ones gender identity but they are not directly connected, in my opinion.  Just because you don't have visibly feminine traits as a mtf does not mean you don't have gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria is pretty simple, if you have it, you have it; you don't have to prove yourself to anybody.

It wasn't always there.  I didn't repress it.  I tried to repress when it first came into being and that worked for awhile, but eventually it stops working.  Either way I don't know how it came to be, all I know is that I feel I am Lauren now.  I wish I could have repressed it only so I could have something to say for why I was fine during childhood but that is not the case.   

Sometimes I wonder if gender issues might come from several different conditions which all have similar symptoms, just like there can be many reasons people have the sniffles.

I can really only comment on how things went for me, and why I think I "have the sniffles" but my particular brand of GID is just that- the one I happened to get saddled with.

As a kid I was always different.  Whilst my brother would go out most nights to play football or other sport, I would be playing alone or plying imaginary games.  My GID did not hit until the onset of puberty.  I followed what appears to be the common path of denial and abstenance before diving back into femininity.   Due to low self esteem and guilt, It has taken me twenty odd years to bring the real me to the fore.

I strongly suspect that a lot of the depression and a lot of the bullying I have received, are down to my GID and my failure to confront it.

on another forum myself and several other older late transitioners have been having a ferocious long running argument with one of same age who transitioned herself at age 12 by running off to big city and getting help from drag queens!
She refuses to accept that at the same time in the UK there would hardly have been any available hormones and as for seeking out drag queens...
She hasn't openly stated that we are not genuinely transsexual but the inference is there and she says she cannot accept that we need to get surgery.

i have been fighting this feeling for along time
i played boy games, and martial arts
but it seems that this feeling is growing stronger by time and by knowing that there are some people out there like me
as you realize that there is hope to become your true self, you will try and fight to be what are you
i think internet and the availibilty of knowledge helped this urge to grow stronger