My girlfriend, Elaine, wants to start trying to pass in public. But.. neither of us know where to start

She recently started shaving, and unfortunately she is very hairy with sensitive skin so... nasty razor burn. She's been getting different advice from everyone, but I think that y'all would know better than the girls at my college, as they don't have to deal with male hair. Right now she shaves with one of those lady razors (it's a nice brand, I bought it for her, but I can't remember the name.) and it works pretty well, but how do you prevent razor burn? She has tried lotioning up like nobody's business, which works kinda, but it's not the end all be all.

Is there another low cost method you would suggest for hair removal? She's tried Veet and Nair and those kinda work but we basically use a whole bottle in one go. she needs to do her whole body and it's just a horrible mess... Waxing seems too expensive, we're really poor because I'm in college and she's dealing with social anxiety so is having problems getting a job. I've looked at epilators but I don't know which one to get. Suggestions on those would be great.

Next is how to dress.. She is 21 and very girly IMO. She doesn't know what style she wants, and all she has right now is my hand-me-down shirts (Which are too small) and some pants that we could afford at thrift stores. So basically she is dressing like a 14 year-old. Yikes~ My question here is where do we start when shopping for her? Building up an entire wardrobe is hell for us, it's taken me a whole year just to do mine and it's easier for me because guy clothes are simple. (Jeans and T-shirts, baby!) Also, what styles work best with someone with very little curvature, enhancing and whatnot.

Third problem, BREASTS. Just thinking about buying breastforms makes my wallet hurt ;_; I know of the birdseed and pantyhose fix, but is it really a long-term fix? I can't see us being able to afford breastforms for a long time.. I've also heard of using those enhancers/cup size increaser thingies to make the birdseed fix look more realistically shaped. Is that worth it?

Makeup is something neither of us know anything about. Before I came out as trans I just wore eyeliner so.. Yeah my advice is pretty awful :c Also she has a hard time getting motivated to pretty herself up. I have a feeling that she thinks it's useless and futile.

And then there's the kicker. Coming out. She wants to start passing in my college where we frequently hang out and have many friends. She knows they're okay with me because several know and those who don't would probably be fine with it too. But actually going and doing it is the problem. Should we wait until she is ready to pass, or should we tell them now? Should I enforce those who already know to call her by the correct pronouns, or is that asking too much, I mean she's not passing right now or anything.
Her parents also know, but they don't try to refer to her correctly even though they support her 100% and call me he already and stuff. I know it's different because I'm not their kid, but still. Should we tell them to refer to her correctly too?

And lastly, I need someone to back me up on something. Elaine is pretty, in my eyes. And in our friend Mike's too. She's not too fem in the face, she has a thick nose, but very round eyes and a soft jawline and chin.

This is a picture I took of her for my photography class, which I photoshoped out her facial hair and thinned her eyebrows because this was before she started getting into plucking. Would you agree with me that if she started wearing makeup that she would pass fairly successfully? Also, do you think she should get bangs? She has a high forehead and I think that like side-swept bangs would help.

WOAH huge post! Thanks in advance for any help, I'd have her post this herself but she keeps saying that she will but never actually does.. Not very much of a go getter

Where to start? It's lovely that she has you to help her, that's the first thing!

Norelco makes a very nice electric razor with 3 rotary heads. You won't get as close a shave with an electric, unless you work over a patch over and over while pulling the skin taut, but there's less chance of razor burns.

The sad truth is that most of the accessories she will need are not cheap! She can probably find a few cute tops or whatever at a thrift store. I would suggest jeans and cute tops and, for now, don't worry about the breast forms. There are plenty of flat-chested women in the world! (As an old song says, "It's not the meat, it's the motion.")

Next suggestion: Go around to some coffee shops or wherever your peeps are hanging, and spend a few days studying how the girls dress. Elaine will be able to pick up lots of ideas. Like, you can wear really boring thong sandals and if you have toenail polish on, you'll look cute.

It's never useless or futile to make an effort to look the way you want to look! Most genetic females have body issues too, so please tell Elaine to work on looking her personal best and not worry about the things she can't change.

...well, the body hair thing could be something to change. I don't have much experience in that area, as my body hair distribution was 90% female to begin with.

Elaine faces some complex challenges, but thousands of people have walked through the challenges and come out the other side, stronger and happier. Hey, you have Internet access, right? Tell her to go on YouTube and check out some vids by Jesslyngirl87 or KimberATL or briannarose99. There are plenty of TG girls Elaine's age talking in very honest and open terms about what they have gone through and are going through. Encourage her to watch a big bunch of them. (You do have to sort of screen out the kinky ones. Just click past them and go on.)

Please keep us posted. We're here to help!

Hugs....

*** Jenna ***

Thank you so much for the quick reply! I'll link her to this asap. I've told her many times to look up stuff on youtube, maybe now she finally will, having some people to start with.

She said to me once, I think, that she has used an electric razor before and didn't like it. I can't remember if it didn't work for her, or if it irritated her skin, or what. I'll have to ask her.

Thanks again!

I'm not sure about what kind of advice I could give on the other parts, but I may be able to offer some for the shaving part. My face is really easily chopped up by a razor, so it took a bit to find a good combination.

It's men's shaving cream (scent etc) unfortunately, but I found that the Gillette Fusion Hydragel Ultra Sensitive shaving gel works wonderfully on my face, it's not nearly as brutal as using some of the other products, and I got less cuts and razor burn using it. If I recall it's like $3.75 a can or something, but the 7 oz. can lasts a pretty long time. As far as razor goes, Gillette Fusion by far has the closest shave of any I've used, but it's more likely to cut too in the process, and it's also expensive. Another decent one I found was the Schick Quattro Titanium razor, the blades last a long time and it's not super expensive, while getting a close shave without causing much burn (in my experience anyway).

I know they're all men's razor products , but I thought I'd throw these out there, I hope it can help in some way!

Aww, she's cute. How could she not pass with features like those. And that's up close and fluorescent lighting and everything.

Findingreason, she's using the Barbasol sensitive shaving cream right now, seems to work but not enough. We'll give what you suggested a shot. As for the razors, if they won't cost me an arm and a leg, I'll get it for her lol! I know of some where the replacement blades are like twenty dollars.. Jeez. I'll definitely check out the Shick Quattro Titanium one, I like the 'not super expensive' and 'without causing too much burn' parts haha~

Summerfall, that's what I keep trying to tell her! She's not as manly as she thinks she is. I am always doing those online makeup tryout thingies with pictures of her, to prove that she's pretty lol.

For shaving, have to suggest an electric rasor.

There are some that come with hair trimers, often as attachments. These are useful for cutting long hair before using the foil.

The main thing to remember about these is to clean them after. They get clogged up easily. But can be cleaned in a few secs using the suppied brush.

As for the rest, it's really a matter of self confidence and experiment. Makeup works well, provided it isn't over done.

Breasts are, in my own experience, best done with some padding. I used cotton wool.

She looks passable. She definetely could pass with some makeup. Is she working on her voice?

Quote from: Kyle XD on June 26, 2010, 05:46:31 PM
She looks passable. She definetely could pass with some makeup. Is she working on her voice?

She has a pretty high voice to begin with, but she does have work to do with it, smoothing it out without becoming falsetto or whispery. She's capable of a feminine voice, but she doesn't believe me when I say so :/  But I don't know how often she works on it or if she does.

Try the Soleil by Bic for shaving.  Use noxzema for a shave creme.  I use a Braun 7500 electric followed by this very razor.

For breast forms, use rice/bird seed till she ether develops her own, aka HRT, or till you can afford forms.

Body hair, use Nail for the first go, then use the razor above.

As for a style, she need to go to the mall and just observe.

By the way, she is cute.

What product by Noxzema? I googled them but found nothing specifically for shaving...

Regular good old fashion noxzema, in the blue jar.  They also make a Hair minimizing gel.

Hi Morgan

Reading your post shows how much you care for Elaine and helping her to achieve her goals are two of the most important things that one can do in your situation.  There is so much that you have said and I will suggest a couple things that may help you out and others will fill in the rest.

Makeup and Clothes.

Clothes need to be Elaine's choice and what has been suggested is for Elaine to go out and see what she likes and buy accordingly.  As for makeup just buy some simple items, like lipstick blush, eye shadow, mascara and foundation, practice and practice using the Internet as your source of information on how to do it, along with advice from very close friends.

Breast forms

When I started my change 21 years ago there was not a lot of information around on what type of breasts that I could use and it is so long ago I do not remember what other options I did considered in my case.  I had never heard of birdseed and panty hose, I was vaguely aware of breast prothesis for women who had mastectomies, try and get those was next to impossible considering the time and where I lived.  Today you have the Internet to search for a solution that will make Elaine happy and comfortable.

The simplest and the cheapest solution to my problem was to get two sponges, rectangular in shape about the size of a normal brick.  Using a pair of scissors I cut and shaped my breast implants.  How long did I use these breast forms for?  At least 6 months from the time I left my family and friends.

The next couple of options are buying them ($100US) or making them, which can be found here and other advice.  Use the following search words in Google to help you find other sources (How breast forms are made).

I was not really concerned about how they should look, but how people saw me expecting to see me with big breasts.  Until one day I forget to put my breast forms in (I was working full time by this stage) and guess what?  Nobody even noticed, when the subject of breast size came up I would sometimes say, I have always been a small size.  Anyway after forgetting to put my 'breasts' in from then on I started using them less and less, until one day I never used them again.

So use sponge breasts along with appropriate clothing and virtually nobody will notice any thing amiss.

Body Hair

Find a beauty therapy place and when you can afford it, have the body hair removed professionally.  This way it is less time consuming and less messy than doing it at home.  When the hair is growing back or present again wear appropriate clothing.  Nobody is going to see the body hair if clothes are covering it up.  If Elaine is wearing a skirt, then shaving or waxing the legs can be done at home if you wish.  Extensive hair removal (electrolysis or laser) can come later when Elaine has a job and passing.

Facial hair

To pass it is necessary to concentrate on the face as passing is primarily from the face up.  Only electrolysis, voice and the face are the most important,  however Elaine's face is very pretty, so that is not an issue.  I would assume that Elaine is practising with her voice and there are plenty of free resources on the internet to achieve her feminine voice, so again that is not the concern.  Her facial hair would be the most pressing problem.  Her long hair and maybe even longer with your suggestion of banges, would help immensely in this area.

I would suggest a three pronged attack:

• Start hormones, this will help soften the facial features of Elaine's face and make it more feminine.
• Wax the facial hair off using wax that can be used again and again an old saucepan can be used in this case.  The hairs that are pulled out can filtered with a sieve.  If the face is just waxed it would allow Elaine to go out and gain the confidence that she needs.  I have no doubt that if her face was free from hair, she would pass without a doubt. Doing it this way would also lessen the amount of time shaving the face would be involved.


• Finally, do what ever it takes to concentrate on having the facial hair removed with Electrolysis.

Some other things that Elaine would need to consider would be to see a therapist to get the hormones that she needs (if that is what shes wants to do) and to help her gain confidence to go out in the world and get a job, so that she can be who she wants to be.

We are here to help wherever we can, we can only offer you suggestions or advice and it is ultimately up to you to decide how you use what has been suggested.

Take care and all the best for the future, you can pm me if you wish.

Kindest regards
Sarah B

Quote from: Morgan on June 26, 2010, 05:01:36 PM
Findingreason, she's using the Barbasol sensitive shaving cream right now, seems to work but not enough. We'll give what you suggested a shot. As for the razors, if they won't cost me an arm and a leg, I'll get it for her lol! I know of some where the replacement blades are like twenty dollars.. Jeez. I'll definitely check out the Shick Quattro Titanium one, I like the 'not super expensive' and 'without causing too much burn' parts haha~

Summerfall, that's what I keep trying to tell her! She's not as manly as she thinks she is. I am always doing those online makeup tryout thingies with pictures of her, to prove that she's pretty lol.

Findingreason has good advice.   I have very sensitive skin as well and I use the fusion gel she mentioned.   I also highly recommend the Gillete Fusion rasors.  They give VERY comfortable and close shaves.   They JUST released a new one that does a good job but it's not as close as the classic Fusion rasor.   That might work well too as an alternative to the classic fusion razor.

I can pretty much just help with shaving the legs:  try a feminine shaving cream like Skintimate.  It contains aloe and a few other things to help prevent razor burn.  It's the only type of shaving cream that I can use without drying my skin out horribly and giving me a burn, and I don't have terribly sensitive skin.

Make-up:

Maybe Bare Minerals or a soft bronzer.  She could also go to the mall and to the stores that have the large make-up sections with people and ask them, some of them might be able to help and you can generally get a free sit-down to figure out what would go good.   

Clothes:

Well, what type of style does she wear now?  She can probably find a similar style in a woman's or junior's section.

Hair style:

I love her hair!  I don't think she should change, but that's just me.  I think she looks really pretty as is.  She also looks easily passable with just a bit of make-up and different outfit.

Thank you for all the advice, Sarah! The sponge idea is one I haven't heard of before! We'll definitely try that out.

As far as therapy and hormones, she is seeing the same therapist I do, but she is not allowed to start hormones until she is more emotionally stable, says our therapist. She's a big one for the waiting game.. She's making both of us wait. But until then, I think everything else suggested is definitely doable.

Covering up her body hair is fairly easy, as the climate where we live is not too hot most of the time. Definitely jeans and a t-shirt weather. But her arms are where her problems lie, long sleeves are a no-no this time of year. It reached 100 degrees Fahrenheit many times this week... Hopefully changing razors and shaving cream as everyone has suggested, and maybe trying out professionally waxing her arms will help.


And to everyone, I showed her this. She is overjoyed, and very flattered. Mission accomplished! I have done my good boyfriend deed for the day <3

Hi Morgan,

Before I was able to have laser hair removal I used dermablend, Its a make up that covers blemished but is really good to cover up the beard shadow after shaving and comes in several colours that match your own pigment.

Hope that helps

Stardust

You are most welcome Morgan.

Do not allow the therapist to make you wait to long or stuff you around.  Both of you are adults, so if you want hormones to change your body, then you can make an informed choice on what you want to do.  Getting the hormones will make you happy!

I know I was miserable for awhile because I was not taking them.  However, since I have been back on them I have been more happier than I have ever been.

Kind regards
Sarah B
PS You are her shinning knight in armour and you most certainly have done your good deed for the day.

Quote from: Sarah B on June 26, 2010, 09:02:19 PM
You are most welcome Morgan.

Do not allow the therapist to make you wait to long or stuff you around.  Both of you are adults, so if you want hormones to change your body, then you can make an informed choice on what you want to do.  Getting the hormones will make you happy!

I know I was miserable for awhile because I was not taking them.  However, since I have been back on them I have been more happier than I have ever been.

Kind regards
Sarah B

I don't know what to do about it.. For me it's because my parents want me to wait. I'm going to be transferring colleges next fall, and for some reason they don't want me starting hormones while still attending this college I'm at now, even though everyone either knows I'm trans or thinks I'm a guy outright. My therapist specifically works with transsexuals, but I don't always feel she works for them, if you know what I mean. She was going to give me my letter of recommendation back in November but when I told my parents they said no, so now she says no and is even going to the extent of having them write up their agreement with her... I don't really get it :/ As for Elaine, I guess I can understand why she is making her wait. She needs to be more emotionally balanced before starting hormones, but I can't help but think that starting HRT will make her more emotionally balanced. I don't know. It's all just really confusing right now.

I'm sorry to hear to hear this.

I would trust your own instincts that the therapist will hinder your progress in obtaining the hormones you need, signing an agreement with your parents would indicate this.  It would also seem that your parents are also hindering your progress (they probably still want you as you were), but I sense that you would be able to start them when you go to the other college in the Fall and your parents are paying for it.

If you do not get the hormones at the start of the Fall then I would start considering other options, so that you will be able to achieve what you want in life.  For example, see another  therapist, get and pay for the hormones yourself.  Without your parents knowing about it.  But these are things you and you alone will need to carefully consider and weigh up the consequences of following those choices.

Passing for Elaine is the most important thing, so concentrating on that will allow her to be more emotionally stable and allow her to be herself.

Yes things are confusing, because you do not have the knowledge that you need to make the decisions you will need to make, but you have the Internet to find out all the information you will ever need.

I never had Internet when I changed and other sources for information where very scarce, you are lucky in this regard. Once you have the information, you will not be confused.

Kind regards
Sarah B