Lots of good advice in the thread, let me take a different tac with some of these...
Quote from: Morgan on June 26, 2010, 03:38:06 PM
My girlfriend, Elaine, wants to start trying to pass in public. But.. neither of us know where to start 
She recently started shaving, and unfortunately she is very hairy with sensitive skin so... nasty razor burn. She's been getting different advice from everyone, but I think that y'all would know better than the girls at my college, as they don't have to deal with male hair. Right now she shaves with one of those lady razors (it's a nice brand, I bought it for her, but I can't remember the name.) and it works pretty well, but how do you prevent razor burn? She has tried lotioning up like nobody's business, which works kinda, but it's not the end all be all.
Since you said she "recently started" I'm going to guess that its not really the face you are asking about here. There's a lot of good advice here on face shaving in any case and i won't try to add to that - in fact what i am about to say is decidedly NOT for the face.
It would be hard for anyone to be more hairy than i am, naturally. I used to spend almost two hours every other night saving everything. i don't have sensitive skin (except on my lower neck) but it was a huge chore.
what saved me was an epilator. n one else here has recommended it but i do - highly.
YES it hurts like a mofo the first time...in some places it is pretty painful even still (I've been doing it over six months) but in other places it is quite tolerable and on my legs it barely bothers me at all now.
In the places where it grows back, it takes much longer for it to become obvious to others (you can feel it before you see it) and is much like "girl hair" in the sense that even when you know it's there it's light and thin and not "manish" - if I have to I can go a week or more without plucking (though if you do that, you have to put the razor head on and trim it down first - the longer it is the more it hurts).
I buzz over my legs and arms a couple of times a week...I shave down to below my "breasts" while shaving my face in the morning (adds a few minutes, easier than plucking that tender area) and I epilate the other areas I can reach intermittently (I've found that time spent on the john is an excellent opportunity to cover a few square feet).
The drawback is ingrown hairs - I don't really get them anywhere except on the front of my torso and it looks like a bad case of acne sometimes and it's said exfoliation will work them out though I've not had a lot of luck with that - but even if i did something else because I didn't want the bumps, i could still do all of the potentially exposed skin without having that problem.
Mine is a little low-end Remington that I bought on e-bay for less than $40
Quote
Next is how to dress.. She is 21 and very girly IMO. She doesn't know what style she wants, and all she has right now is my hand-me-down shirts (Which are too small) and some pants that we could afford at thrift stores. So basically she is dressing like a 14 year-old. Yikes~ My question here is where do we start when shopping for her? Building up an entire wardrobe is hell for us, it's taken me a whole year just to do mine and it's easier for me because guy clothes are simple. (Jeans and T-shirts, baby!) Also, what styles work best with someone with very little curvature, enhancing and whatnot.
WHERE to shop? Can't beat the Goodwill or similar thrift shop type stores. I sometimes sturuggle because it's hard to find the big sizes but if she can wear "14 year old" type clothes she shouldn't have size issues (except perhaps in shoes)
Also, Wal-Marts often have really good clearance prices on late-season stuff...I've seen stuff as low as the $1-$3 range that I'd die to be able to fit into.
As for HOW to dress - and this applies to the makeup question later too - the best things she can do are two:
1. be observant. Spend days on end sitting in the mall and looking at girls her size. The average person would be surprised at the wide variety of nice "looks" which a girl can choose from at her age.When she's up close to another girl - like some cashier checking her out in a store
she should pay careful attention to how they wear their makeup and jewelry and such - it's a lot more informative of how she needs to look "on the street" than what you see in magazines and such.
Second, and probably more important, identify some "girlfriends" in your circle of acquaintences. level headed but fun GG's that will be accepting and come out to them and ask them to give Elaine a make-over. Get them to take her under their wing and give her clothing and makeup and jewelry advice.
Us middle-aged and older girls don't have that sort of opportunity but college age? My guess is you could find they would be THRILLED to teach her the ropes.Not to mention, the real possibility that they will give her clothes and make-up and stuff that is old to them but which she will treasure and will help quickly build her wardrobe at no cost.
In addition to this - she can go to a Mac counter and the girls there will give her a make-over and take the time to tell her how to do all sorts of things including techniques that trans-girls need that GGs don't. Just don't buy much of their make-up as it will bust your budget.
One other thing - casual reading. when she has time on her hands and access, ladies mags like Redbook or Cosmo or whatever or even cheapos like Woman's World have lots of tips for everything from shaving to skin care to make-up.
Quote
Third problem, BREASTS. Just thinking about buying breastforms makes my wallet hurt ;_; I know of the birdseed and pantyhose fix, but is it really a long-term fix? I can't see us being able to afford breastforms for a long time.. I've also heard of using those enhancers/cup size increaser thingies to make the birdseed fix look more realistically shaped. Is that worth it?
No need hun. While I admit there is SOME issue with movement and such - and certainly their is the psychological factor of their not being "real breasts" in even the very slight sense that silicone forms are, the ones I use are very cheap and very effective (I've had more than one ask me how long I'd been on HRT just because they thought my homemade ones were that real looking.
Here's what you do. first, determine how big she wants them to be. Because I'm a big girl I have to wear mine pretty big (there are not many flat chested fat girls) but you will have to decide - mine are, I guess, basically D cup so you can adjust the amount downward if you want.
You will need one cheap pair of knee-highs, and some plain cheap rice. i use one 16 ounce bag for each form. if you want smaller results you might split one bag to make two.
I put one whole 16 oz bag in one knee high, tie a not and then pull the excess bag over the form to "double bag" it. this does two three things - makes it last longer, makes it a bit firmer, and the knot where you tied it first makes a convincing "nipple" when you turn it in the right position.
Repeat for the other breast form, and when she places them in the bra she needs to be aware of where the "nipple" is. After they are in, if the bra cup is the right size for the bag, you take your hands and flatten the edges of the bag towards the curve of your chest to give them a realistic shape. The rice works very well for me in this. also, they should be situated so that the "high part" is at or slightly below her real nipple - one of the sure signs of fakes is wearing them too high.
if you get it right (bra and bags) you can even get a reasonable "bounce" effect (although not at all as bouncy as real breasts). Again, I have no idea if the stick on breasts ever "feel almost real" to the wearer - but these won't. What they will do is fool a LOT of casual observers. and knowing that will give her a lot more confidence which is the biggest part of passing anyway.
Quote
Makeup is something neither of us know anything about. Before I came out as trans I just wore eyeliner so.. Yeah my advice is pretty awful :c Also she has a hard time getting motivated to pretty herself up. I have a feeling that she thinks it's useless and futile.
Again - girlfriends. if she gets two or three GG friends who are really supportive of her transition, they will teach her everything there is to know...assuming of course they are "girly girls" themselves and not tomboys.
Quote
And then there's the kicker. Coming out. She wants to start passing in my college where we frequently hang out and have many friends. She knows they're okay with me because several know and those who don't would probably be fine with it too. But actually going and doing it is the problem. Should we wait until she is ready to pass, or should we tell them now?
Assuming she is going to transition in a public way (i.e. the same people who knew "Ed" will know he's now Elaine) then I don't think it's necessary for her to wait until she gets to a "convincing" level (albeit, she's pretty enough that one weekend with the girlfriends would have her ready for a photo shoot, IMO)
The key is confidence. WHEN and if she goes into a full time presentation, the MOST important part is that she hold her head up and not let her body language communicate that she's fearful or ashamed about it. If she goes out with the attitude "I'm a girl and you can damned well get used to it" and looks everyone in the eye without shame, she'll have over half the battle won when it comes to "passing"
Remember, those who know her now who interact with her after she goes full time will KNOW she's trans and for the most part know they are expected to respect her presented identity. so passing isn't really an issue with THEM. Passing is about when she faces those who didn't know her before - and the confidence she gets dealing with the familiar faces will be what carries her when she meets new people.
Quote
Should I enforce those who already know to call her by the correct pronouns, or is that asking too much, I mean she's not passing right now or anything.
I don't think "enforce" is the proper attitude but when she commits to going forward, i think as much managing as you can do behind the scenes to strongly suggest to your friends and acquaintances how vital it is to her mental state that they get that right you should do.
no one will enjoy being pressured into an obligation to do it - but most will be happy to be respectful of someones feelings if asked nicely.
But until she really commits, i would be very subtle about it - because folks do find it confusing when you are "neither here nor there"...just plant the seeds and when she steps up and commits to a full time presentation, then remind them "this is what I was talking about - she's scared to death and needs a lot of support"
Quote
Her parents also know, but they don't try to refer to her correctly even though they support her 100% and call me he already and stuff. I know it's different because I'm not their kid, but still. Should we tell them to refer to her correctly too?
Again, gently and with grace - let them know (privately) that "Elaine would never say anything or have you think she was bothered but just between us, i know it would mean the world to her if you would do this for her - I know from experience how much it means to me"
Quote
And lastly, I need someone to back me up on something. Elaine is pretty, in my eyes. And in our friend Mike's too. She's not too fem in the face, she has a thick nose, but very round eyes and a soft jawline and chin.
This is a picture I took of her for my photography class, which I photoshoped out her facial hair and thinned her eyebrows because this was before she started getting into plucking. Would you agree with me that if she started wearing makeup that she would pass fairly successfully? Also, do you think she should get bangs? She has a high forehead and I think that like side-swept bangs would help.
She is very pretty! Like I said, let a few girlfriends have a makeover party and she cold pass anywhere. I'd wager that with very little more than what is showing in that picture - a bit of curve on the breasts, concealed beard (I'm assuming since you said you shopped it out) just a bit of blush and such and fem clothes and jewelery - that almost no one would give a thought to suspicion that she was trans.
All she needs really is confidence - and that will come once she looks in the mirror and really sees Elaine in all her glory instead of the insecurities about passing she has now.
