Hi everyone, my name is Ashley. I'm 18 years old. I've been "dabbling" with transition since I was 15. Recently I have begun taking my regimen seriously, after a setback when I was 17 and without hormones for an extended period.

My current regimen consists of Spironolactone, Avodart, Progynova sublingually, Progynon Depot Estradiol Valerate Injections. I have Dr. oversight and have blood check ups regularly. My Dr. prescribes the Spironolactone and Avodart herself. The Progynova and Progynon Depot, well, you know... 

Anyways, in recent days I have prided myself in being very passable and attractive and getting closer and closer to the ideal of a female that I have always wanted to be. I was at a point where I was constantly being told how beautiful I was, getting hit on by guys who were not interested in ts girls, and with a potential career based on my appearance. It had been a very long time since I had last been "clocked".

However, as of late, for whatever reason, I have begun to notice "changes" in the other direction. It seems that for whatever reason, possibly on a basis of taking too much estrogen(?), or just the wrong regimen for me, I may be masculinizing to an extent. This is horrifying to me, because it was a very difficult journey getting from point A to point B. I may have been in a very good place as of late, but I actually started out in a position where I couldn't pass as a female to save my life, even at far-away distances. Because of this, and the ridicule I faced during that period, I am absolutely terrified of regressing back to that point.

So, my "quick fix" goal is to get an orchietomy after gathering therapist letters and then continuing with the Spiro and Avodart and lowering my estrogen injections, and sticking to Lynoral as supplementation. Also I would like to add a Progesterone for 10 days/month, I'm thinking Duphaston.

I'm just really afraid about what seems to be happening right now. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit, that my entire future and futhermore my entire sense of self depends on my appearance. I also need the constant reassurance from straight guys that I pass perfectly well and am conventionally attractive beyond most genetic women. I had that, after spending the majority of my youth being known as the "ugly kid", and now I feel I'm losing it again. Sometimes I worry it may be karmic, I know my values are very shallow and superficial and the life I had planned on leading was less-than-admirable. But without my looks, which finally seemed to be materializing in spades, I honestly feel worthless and suicidal.

So please, sparing me the obvious fact that therapy would probably be in my best interest, given everything I have told you, please guide me as to what could be causing me to backtrack physically. That, at the moment, is my main concern. I think any girl on here can understand the need to ensure that her transition is not heading South after all of the work she has put into it, and whatever sacrifices were also involved. I've given up on education, and what were once my more redeeming "values" in order to try and make my dreams of being the "ideal female" come true. Why has my progress seemingly stopped dead in its tracks, and why do I appear to be regressing?

Please give me any thorough feedback you can possibly provide. I am truly a sweet girl, not nearly as self-involved as this post must make me seem. Being pretty made me feel less terrible about essentially being alone. Without that, I feel I have nothing... (Except, as I'm sure you're all thinking, a possible Histrionic Personality Disorder.)

Ashley



Dosages removed ~ Miniar

short list ahead:

1: dosages aren't allowed here, medical questions are best asked to licensed doctors or nurses

2: self acceptance is key, depending on positive feedback is hollow at best where self confidence allows for a more stable psyche

3: voice and fur removal matter more in everyday then boobage

Hiya um well im FTM but i do know if you take too much T it has the opposite effect, thats because there is too much of it so your body converts it into estrogen.

Perhaps that is what is happening with you, your having too much estrogen so your body may  be converting it to T

(i dont really know if that happens the other way round but it might)

FurryDessert,

1: the dosages thing, I feel, is pertinent to what could potentially be causing my conundrum.

2: I agree that self-acceptance is something I need to work on in a big way.

3: I've never had a problem with voice, I've been very fortunate in that regard, and as for "fur", I have had none of that for quite some time, facial or body. In regards to my breasts, I guarantee you I had a lot more going for me than that. My hallmarks were my naturally feminine facial characteristics and being just under 5'4" and 110 lbs. I've always been anything but "top-heavy", and without shame. I'm a full 32A. Perfectly natural for a girl of my small size. But thanks for the presumption.

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Post Merge: July 03, 2010, 03:06:26 AM

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As for you Thomas, thank you for the very sweet and thoughtful and non-presumptuous response. This is something I have been considering as well, and the kind of feedback I was looking for. Again, thanks so much for the response.

What furry meant is your post is going to get nuked when a moderator reads it, because for liability purposes doses aren't discussed.

That said it sounds like you are on too much estrogen, or it may be a psychological because the impression we have of ourselves is very different than other people. My girlfriend constantly scoffs at me when I complain that pictures she takes of me make me look like a boy, because she simply can't see it at all.

Why are you self medicating estrogen with a doctor? Insurance limitation? My insurance, which won't even cover my blood work, covers my estrogen, avodart, and spiro. Progesterone, not being prescribed to men, isn't covered - so I self medicate that with my doctor's awareness. Estrogen is generally cheap.


It may also be psychological because you're female. Take any random 18 year old girl and most will feel fat, and ugly, and unattractive, even if they front a good self image.

Autumn,

Thanks so much for the response. Honestly, when I made my post I figured I would immediately be viewed as this completely shallow girl deserving of absolutely no positive or helpful feedback whatsoever. I am in a very vulnerable, sensitive state right now, so I can probably be a little "touchy". Still, I'm just trying to get down to the bottom of this.

Yes, I am considering that the estrogen could be a bit high. That having been said, I am also considering that this could be a body dysmorphia thing. Like you said, when I ask people to look at me and tell me if they see what I see (and I've polled everyone from close friends to strangers), I am told that I am a stunning female and try though they might, they cannot find a single masculine feature anywhere. Still, I look at myself in the mirror for extended periods of time, and all I see is a complete lack of femininity and absolute ugliness. That having been said, the last time things were going well in my life, particularly when I did have someone special who made me feel less alone and my appearance was less of a top priority, (which was actually the case earlier last month, before this all started "happening", or lackthereof), I actually felt quite positively about myself. And generally I wasn't having these sort of issues. There's definitely a pattern that when the chips are down, I feel hideous and constantly pick myself apart and ridicule myself. And, admittedly, the regular occurrence is that other people say I'm crazy and they don't know what I'm talking about.

So generally I'm just very "mixed up" right now. I will agree with the 18 year old girl, self-image issue thing. I guess I just got so used to being told that I was beautiful, and the attention that I got based on my looks, from everyone, that that became my top concern. I'm really working myself into an incredible amount of stress.

As for the hormones, the issue like you said, is that I can only get anti-androgens covered, under the "silliest" of medical diagnoses. And I discovered that buying the estrogen via prescription, for the same meds, would actually cost more than I'm paying for them right now. And effectiveness has definitely been echoed in terms of serum testosterone/estrogen levels in my blood tests...

I'm very distraught right now. Clearly nothing's as it should be. However, your reply did provide me some comfort. Thank you, Autumn.

See guys? I'm not a complete stone bitch all the time.

It's probably psychological then. I remember last year when I really started to consistently pass, even with everything against me, and positively reinforcing exchanges with customers would leave me with such a glowing female face in the mirror. When ->-bleeped-<- is down, I still don't see a female face.

I started growing breasts about 15 months ago and I bought my second real bra this week - an non-pushup C. I certainly do not fill it completely but i am a much larger B than I thought I was. Progesterone definitely assists breast growth and fullness. And while I was trying on the 15 bras it took to find what I went with, I was amazed at how many 32D/34D women were coming through. I personally have a large ribcage plus spine problems that make it even wider, so I probably wouldn't look overloaded at all at a 36D. I dread sagging later on, though.

You don't seem like a complete stone bitch at all, Autumn. If anything, I'm probably the one who seems that way at this point.

I really do think it is dependent on how things are going at any given moment. I have had so many ups an downs in terms of self-image. It's bordering on insanity. I think I really just need to probably avoid mirrors for a while, I should find something better to do, and it's no fun spending literally an entire day picking yourself apart.

I really would like to add progesterone into my regimen. I'm just struggling at the moment with the financial side of things. Certainly if I weren't so concerned with my appearance, I would be using my time more wisely as far as making money, which I used to be quite good at.

Congratulations on your breast-growth success!! I was hoping I would have a B by now, but I am very small, so I'm not overly concerned. I'll probably end up getting implants later, definitely no larger than a C. I may still consider lowering my estrogen dose a bit, pending what I continue to see in the mirror upon milder examination, and if I decide that it's not necessarily ALL in my crazy bitch teenage-girl head.

Thanks for being so sweet.

Ashley

ajmeier

You are very vulnerable, aren't you.

Fortunately, here, there is no-one going to even think such a thing. We've all been there.

But like the others, drugs are not my speciality. By the sound of it you do need a review.

In the meantime, big hugs.

To everyone, Furry, Thomas, Autumn, the girl with the remarkably clever analogy, and Spacial who was also very sweet and comforting, I want to extend a BIG thank you for all of your feedback and concern. As I mentioned, I was very concerned with how I might "come off" in this post, and I didn't wish to offend anyone, or in turn to be offended by anyone.

Last night was an incredibly "dark" time in my life. Probably one of the most desperate, and hopeless feeling nights I have had. I didn't really have anyone to talk to, so again, thank you all for being there.

I woke up this morning knowing that I don't want to go back to that, or at least don't want to stay there right now. Sort of like Autumn's post signature. On the "physical" side of things, I've decided that I will indeed cut some of the estrogen, namely the oral delivery entirely, and stick with the injections. I think it is very feasible that I was somewhat "overloading" my system. This was also echoed by recent blood tests, which for whatever reason, indicated that my estrogen levels were far (and I mean far) beyond the "female norms". I don't see any harm in taking less, to get what at this point, I see as likely being the same if not better results, without hindering myself in any way. I will continue to pursue my orchiectomy, something I have wanted for a long time. And in the meantime...

I am going to start focusing on self-acceptance. I'm going to acknowledge that I have a major body-image, and just self-image in general issue, and I'm going to try and tackle it head-on if it means not reaching the point I was at last night again. In some small way, I think posting this, and all of you, have helped me reach that determination.

I'm afraid, and my priorities have quite-frankly been "->-bleeped-<-ed" for so long, that I'm not sure I won't stumble a few times. But notwithstanding the potential for failure, I will give it my very best shot. (Somewhat pun-intended.)

Wish me luck, girls. I wish you all the best.

Ashley

Stay a while and listen. This is a temporary place, but it's more permanent than five posts.

That said, the injections are most likely NOT enough on their own to sustain you because if I remember the pre-edit dose, I take that much as a time release in two days orally. Also your estrogen level isn't what they go by, they go by the testosterone level which should be somewhere between 10-80, preferentially towards the middle of that as T is still important for women for sex.

You take daily estrogen, which as near as I can tell is pure estrogens, not time release. Your E level is going to be off the charts, especially if you get tested after an injection. HRT beats testosterone down with estrogen for the most part, where the spiro and dutas try to reduce the amount necessary. This is a decision your doctor should make... assuming the doctor has any experience with hormone replacement.

Ashley, are you located in Australia by any chance?

Anyways;
Oral pills and Injections are overkill by any standards! I would suggest cutting out the injections and just taking the oral pills. Or maybe consult your Doctor, I'm sure your doc would be able to assist. I have been on Oestradiol (Standard) for 3 months, I will be taking Progynova (Oestradiol Valerate) in the next 6 days from now on. I have also been taking Cyproterone Acetate for 3 months, and will continue to take said anti-androgen.

You are still young, so don't worry, you will be fine if you stick to a safe dose and get your blood work done regularly.

The only form of needle I have had, is my routine blood work.

Ok, i am no doctor, nor a guru on HRT, so please consult your doctor on all of this and/or do your own research.

My understanding is that there is no mechanism for the body to turn E into T, unlike the other way around.  The excess E is basically wasted, just like the money you spent on it. I would suggest dropping the oral and staying with the injections because they are more effective, easier on the body (liver especially) and much cheaper.  There are 3 types of E in the body, ask your doctor what each the 3 levels are in your blood work, 1 type is preferred over the other 2, sorry cant recall which.
How are your T levels?  If they are in or below the female range you may not even need the spiro anymore, and maybe not the avodart either.  Certainly if you get an orchie, you wont need the spiro.

Anyway, talk to your doctor and make sure your hormone levels are fine and the various medications and dosage are appropriate.

Oh yeah, and dont be too self critical, i am sure we've all been there.

After starting transition early, nearly 20 years on E, and nearly 15 of those post-op, I still have my "OMG itsa boy" moments in the mirror.  IDK if others have the same expereince,  but I noticed that, at those times, I also have "OMG itsa boy" reactions to a bunch of natal females, including many starlets on the tee wee famous for their beauty and also booty.  The short message is:  "Check yourself."  If others aren't clocking you, why should you?  And even if you think others might be clocking you, it's inevitable for at least some of that to be pure paranoia.