Since my devoice and moving to Texas (internal job transfer) to try to re-start my life, some my guy friends who I have good work and personal relationship in my companies are trying to help me to hook up some girls. Now I am pretenting that I am interested in that since I am still in male mode in work and I think  I am a pretty good actor to play a normal man role in office. but I really hate to lie and playing double role in my life.

Now I am thinking to transition in work, so I just wonder should I tell those close friends in work before my come out talk with HR? I am not sure what will be the right time to talk with HR since my plan to full time is around the end of this year (mayber earlier).

Hi Amanda
Coming out to people is a very personal thing. You need to judge the pro's and con's. If you are presenting in a feminine manner maybe yes. If you trust the people. Some people can be transphobic which might make work difficult. I would suggest having a look through the HR rules for the company on discrimination policy etc first. Are you living pt at the moment? Are you likely to meet work people in that situation? If so maybe.

but as many people have said once you tell one you have told all.

btw you look a very pretty woman in your avatar

Cindy

amamdax

I had the same problem. Too scared to come out. Not interested, or perhaps not interested in that way, in meeting girls.

My fear was that they might either think I was interested in one of them. But it doesn't work that way, let's face it. Or that they could hook me up with any other gay people, It definately doesn't work that way. The gay thing isn't me at all.

Telling them I really just want to be a girl when they were planning to go on the hunt for girls, didn't, somehow, seem appropriate.

I tried just getting roaring drunk.

Then I just isolated myself.

Can't say I'd advise either.

Quote from: spacial on July 07, 2010, 04:39:15 AM
amamdax

I had the same problem. Too scared to come out. Not interested, or perhaps not interested in that way, in meeting girls.

My fear was that they might either think I was interested in one of them. But it doesn't work that way, let's face it. Or that they could hook me up with any other gay people, It definately doesn't work that way. The gay thing isn't me at all.

Telling them I really just want to be a girl when they were planning to go on the hunt for girls, didn't, somehow, seem appropriate.

I tried just getting roaring drunk.

Then I just isolated myself.

Can't say I'd advise either.

I hadn't thought the gay issue through and the hunting issue.

I'd keep quiet until you are comfortably transitioning.

This may be hogwash but in my experience all of the women I have come out to have had no problems in accepting Cindy. They may not understand and want lots of talk, which is fine because most of it has been really fun girl time. Including one classic moment recently. Sitting in the loo. Friend says from next stall. 'Damn; Cindy have you got a tampon'. Which reminded me of another thread  where the same sort of thing was discussed.

Most of the guys have been OK but I have known them for many years. Not sure about coming out to recent acquaintances.

Cindy

Once you and you therapist have confirmed your GID and desire to transition you need to accept who you are, come out and move forward. I did everything wrong. I was ashamed, scared and afraid. I just wanted my GID to go away. I hinted to my wife that I had gender issues; I told her that I wanted to be a girl when I was young and hated most guy things but she never paid attention. Even when I started full body waxing and getting pedicures with clear polish she only said it was weird. We were watching a gender change documentary when she said if you are so interested why don't you get a sex change; I am out of here if you do. I finally decided now was the time and looked her straight in the eye and said I am transgendered and I really do need to change my physical sex to female. She said she suspected it and hpoed it would go away; we parted without conflict and I felt so much better. I lost some friends and had to change jobs but I am so happy living as a woman and will soon be physically as woman. Living a lie is is very bad for you. I missed many years living as the woman I am because I was afraid to come out and accept my true self. I am a woman and I don't care who knows or what they think.


Pam

"
If you do tell them, you'll very quickly find out which ones are true friends.
"
Yes, that is what I afraid of. I really don't want to be forced to come out to the company too early. Plus my work also involve interaction with other companies in the industry which I still need for future job opportunities in case can't work out in this company. so I really like to have a stricted-controlled & gradually coming out. but Just can't wait to throw away my mask and bring more peace to my heart dailly consistant switching mode is painful.     

Quote from: amandax on July 07, 2010, 12:38:49 AM
Since my devoice and moving to Texas (internal job transfer) to try to re-start my life, some my guy friends who I have good work and personal relationship in my companies are trying to help me to hook up some girls. Now I am pretenting that I am interested in that since I am still in male mode in work and I think  I am a pretty good actor to play a normal man role in office. but I really hate to lie and playing double role in my life.

Now I am thinking to transition in work, so I just wonder should I tell those close friends in work before my come out talk with HR? I am not sure what will be the right time to talk with HR since my plan to full time is around the end of this year (mayber earlier).

You should always talk to HR first they have a confidentiality clause that they can be sued if they breach. 

When i came out i did it to everyone around me, my family, my friends, and everyone that i had contact with in a regular basis.  I used an email for people i wasnt close to and my clients, and personally with my close friends.  Also how you tell them makes a big difference and i can explain a bit on that.  In the email i stated as technically as i could the situation and said in the next few months i would begin my transition and if they wanted to have nothing to do with me, i would understand and go along with their wishes, you see, you waste a lot of energy trying to convince people to still be your friends, when they really are uncomfortable and dont want to be, its energy better spent on your friends that like you stick around regardless and on yourself, your going to need all you can get.

As for my clients (i ran my own business for a time) any client that thought i would be to much of a disturbance or cost them money could let me go, i wouldn't seek legal action.  I am a firm believer that even though you change dont force the world to change with you, these things take time, and if i end up costing a company money, they will have to fire someone else to keep me, and who I am to be better then another person? 

As for explaining it to your close friends the worst thing you can do is go, hey pal, guess what i want to be a woman/man!  they will look at you like your crazy, i mean a lot of people would.  Instead sit them down and go through your life especially if they knew you well, saying stuff like remember the time when I did this or that... well....  Go on to say you are seeing a therapist and your diagnosed with GID, say their is only one treatment and you decided to take it, then at the very end lay the transition part on them.  Having witnessed all these things and your personality quirks they might see why you need to do it, or at least you give them a better understanding.  It worked my friends and family anyway, and trust me if i can convince 2 people who grew up in Stalinist Russia to understand me, then i must have done something right.  It might not work all the time but it has a higher chance of success then other methods i have seen used.

Also, be aware that they might accept you at first but then reject you later when the changes start happening, a lot of times you will come out 2 times, once before and once after....  Hope this helped a little.

I can't say whether or not this is the best advice personally, but professionally I would make sure your HR department and yourself are on the same page about our coming out communication plan before coming out to anyone else in the workplace.

The potential for this to become a workplace disruption is there, no matter how well you think you know your friends. Unless you must do it, don't come out to co-workers until you have a plan in place and your HR team on board. That should say a lot about your professionalism, and your willingness to consider the company's interests as well as your own.

In my own case the only people who know so far are my supervisor, HR, and benefits. As tempted as I have been to tell certain friends before now, everyone else will be on an official communication plan. I could see the relief in my HR Rep's eyes when I told her I hadn't told any other coworkers about this yet. You need that person on your side.

Just my two cents.

Izumi:
I also sent emails much like the ones you sent, also with an escape clause for those who would be uncomfortable with my transition.
Only 1 person has walked away from me, out of about 30 people I contacted, and he just drifted away and hasn't contacted me. The rest of my friends and family agreed that they could see that something was amiss with me and a few indicated that they had always suspected 'something like this' and one even told me she has been wondering when I would wake up and come out for years. lol
Our friends and family see it, whether or not they are willing to admit it is anouther question.