I've been going back &forth on coming out to my parents/immediate family..

The thing is, I wouldn't worry so much about it if I wasn't living under my parents roof. I am a legal adult, but lifes been.. not so good to me, so they support me &im stuck with them for now..
I plan to start school this fall &im hoping financial aid will pull through so I can go &have some money to support myself.

Thing is, im wondering if itd be wrong for me to start my actual legal transition behind their back. I plan to get a name change soon, then start therapy.. But I don't think I want to tell them/come out to them just yet.. I know I won't know how theyl react until I do tell them, but I want to be able to support myself/have some good friends in place just in case I get kicked out..
So would it be wrong for me to get a name change/start therapy without telling them.. &just try telling them when I start T, if I do..

hm.. ok well I wouldn't do it.. but thats just because I never hid this from my parents, and right when I started feeling this way I told them.. it wasn't even really coming out.. because as I learned this new thing about myself.. I just told them.

BUT if I were in your situation, I guess its a tricky one.. some would say it would be cruel to do it behind their backs, but then again.. you are going to be doing it anyway.. so them knowing about it will just cause the drama of them trying to convince you not to do it.

I would do it if I were you.

my name change made me feel so much better, but it was a difficult process and I had my mom there to help me.  Do you know the steps you need to take to do the name change?

Because you live with them, your life will have an impact on theirs.
As the T works it's magic, the changes will become harder and harder to hide.
It's better if you can sit down with them and let them know what's going on with you, but if you have reason to fear getting kicked out, it'd be good to at least have a friend you can crash with for a while.

I'd write a pro/con list to figure out if coming out is alright for you. I know with some families they just don't talk about certain things (dating, sexuality, etc). If you think transitioning physically without telling your family until you're passing is what's right for you then do it. You wouldn't (in my mind) be hiding anything since you are being you.

Quote from: ccc on July 10, 2010, 06:39:46 PM
I am a legal adult

That's all there is to it.

Quote from: Elijah on July 10, 2010, 06:46:11 PM
Do you know the steps you need to take to do the name change?

Kind of, not really. I've been asking some local transguys I talk to on how to go about it.

Reason why I haven't rly done anything is because I have no support system/good friends atm.
:/

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Post Merge: July 10, 2010, 08:31:48 PM

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I mean id hate to have to hide things from them, but I have all my life.. They basically know nothing about me, at all.. I have always felt I couldn't be open with them about things, I don't go to them for anything. They think im gay for crying out loud lol.
And I figure if I tell them before anything, yeah they'd probably try to stop me &add more drama/problems to the situation.
But if I do start T, I will tell them by then.. Cause hopefully ill be on my own, independent &all.

i can't recommend anything, because i don't know you. but i am pretty sure that your parents wouldn't like being the last people to find out. my mom and i are pretty close but i didn't tell her until she found my facebook profile with my male name, and she wasn't mad, just disappointed that i didn't tell her sooner.

some things to consider:
how close are you to your parents?
do you have a backup plan should anyone kick you out?
is there a neutral place you could come out? (coffee shop or something like that)

just some ideas that i hope help.

I am also currently living under my mom's roof. We have to support each other in the situation we're in. That and since I have gotten laid off from my last job, I am unable to support myself fully or very well.

At first I was going to not tell my mom and start my transition, however I felt very wrong about that. My mother and I have never been that close but I wouldn't have felt right if I started my transition without telling her (especially since I might be needing to use the insurance that is under her name). So I told her. And now I'm transitioning. My mom is still not very accepting of it, however as more time passes it seems like she's beginning to come to terms with it a bit better.

Well, I would advise that you definitely not tell them until you are fully self-supporting. By that, I mean you have more than enough income to live on, an emergency fund, a car if you need one, and a support network of friends and allies. It wouldn't hurt if you were finished with school and well into a good job.

But you're talking to a guy who cut back to part time at school, got a full-time job, discreetly opened an individual bank account, saved money like crazy for over a year, secretly started stockpiling housewares and storing them in the closet, and then left home without giving any notice or leaving a forwarding address. So I'm probably not typical.

I did leave a note on the last day. I didn't want them to think I had been kidnapped or something...

Thank you guys for the replies.

Quote from: gilligan on July 10, 2010, 09:03:55 PM
i can't recommend anything, because i don't know you. but i am pretty sure that your parents wouldn't like being the last people to find out. my mom and i are pretty close but i didn't tell her until she found my facebook profile with my male name, and she wasn't mad, just disappointed that i didn't tell her sooner.

some things to consider:
how close are you to your parents?
do you have a backup plan should anyone kick you out?
is there a neutral place you could come out? (coffee shop or something like that)

just some ideas that i hope help.

We're not close, I mean I don't talk to them about anything but we do spend a lot of time together. I guess you could say we seem close, but we're not.
But when my mom found out about me dating my first gf behind her back she was disappointed that I didn't tell her myself. She always says shed rather hear it from me, then anyone else.. But I just don't know about this, its big, its different.. They already may have an idea, they pretty much know about my preferred name already.. But I think they just think its another nickname.
I don't have a backup plan atm, I have no where to go.
And I haven't even thought that far, about how to actually do it, let alone where.
:/

Arch, I had somewhat done what you did when I was finally legally able to make my own decisions. I packed &just left without telling them anything.. &ur advice is what im going to try to do.

Just chucking my tuppenceha'pennyworth.  If you feel that your family would find it difficult to adjust to the fact that you are trans, just imagine how much more difficult it would be for them if they found out that you were making a major life-altering change without letting them know about it.  This could potentially lead to feelings of betrayal and deception that might prove to be more problematic than the emotions evoked by the news that you are trans.

So, your family are old enough to cope with their own difficulties and your ultimate responsibility here is to yourself.  However, I just wonder if you might be storing up more trouble for the future by not letting them in on this before it happens.

Not an easy decision.

It wouldn't be wrong. It's your life.