Hi, sorry, I hate this. Every month I turn into godzilla with added waterworks. I cannot stand what my body does to me so bl**dy regularly, and will continue to do until I can persuade some doctor somewhere that this is NOT ME! My boobs are like lead balloons, I'm bloated like a blimp and my brain may as well just have popped out for a long walk, leaving my emotions in charge of the building.

*breaths*

Please someone out there tell me there's an end to this monthly craze-fest ...or tell me a good joke to cheer me up  I can't even hug my partner cos I'm such a ball of raw nerves.

Unfortunatly I know few jokes, and the ones I do know very few people would find funny.  Sadly I have a horrible sence of humor  .

Chin up though.  We all tough through the same thing.  This is just a hiccup in your daily life, and when its over you can go back to eating nails for breakfast and pumping iron like all men do 

Also you get to go back to being a total bada$$ like normal     

And if that doesn't cheer you up you can always go poke something  preferably a dead body or a zombie, cuz thats just what guys do.

Quote from: Scotty72 on July 13, 2010, 02:19:53 PM

And if that doesn't cheer you up you can always go poke something  preferably a dead body or a zombie, cuz thats just what guys do.

Thanks Scotty - that did make me smile. The poking thing also made me think of the Family Guy episode where Chris (whilst poking a corpse) discovers his best friend is actually a GIRL. So double amusement there.

Off to bed to dream of manly things.....

Since Family Guy is very manly and funny, I recommend at least 1 to 2 large doses of it daily.  Possibly mix in some Robot Chicken if you are into that sort of thing...  WARNING: This remedy may also cause you to ignore your partner causing SEVERE PAIN!!!

Just kidding about that last part..... maybe...

Glad I could help Turtle, hope tomorrow is better for you.

One of my current favourites... hope it helps mate 

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. He's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second friend says "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school. He owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third friend said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame ... what a disappointment!"

The fourth friend replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him and he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Even though it is now a dim and distant memory I do still remember how crap it all felt Turtle.

Take care fella and try and keep your chin up.
John

@ Snowdoggy:  That's awesome! 

A joke that's mildly dirty, though it shouldn't really get me in trouble...I don't think...

A vampire walks into a bar and sits down.  The bartender walks over and asks, "What'll ya have?"

The vampire replies, "A glass of hot water."

The bartender gives the vampire a look but comes back with a glass of hot water.

The vampire smiles and pulls out a bl**dy tampon and says, "tea time!"

I also know a pretty horrible ->-bleeped-<- one that is unbelievably funny but might get me in trouble on here. XD

That was pretty gross to be honest shang, but each to his own 

This one is a tad on the cheesy side but... if it cheers him up... worth a try...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. To put it another way, this is a totally dead duck," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but it's just as I thought in the first place. This duck, most definitely, is no more."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£225?" she cried, "£225 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had been happy to take my word for it, the bill would have been £75, but as you were not content with my diagnosis, I had no alternative. The lab report added £100, and the cat scan put on another £50."

John

nice jokes, mine are bar jokes and prob not best told here. I will try to think of a mellower one.

Quote from: Snowdoggy on July 13, 2010, 08:39:04 PM
That was pretty gross to be honest shang, but each to his own 

I know. xD  I still giggle every time I see it or hear it, though.  Even if I hear it completely the wrong place...like church.  Easiest way to get me to giggle is by telling horrible jokes xD

While your jokes are still making me laugh.

I just moved to Tech from a little farming town called Pullman.  We had very few hookers there, and the job is as dangerous in the country as in the city.  One girl was struck blind; poor kid never saw it coming.

She's still on the job.  Tough country girls; you've really got to hand it to her.

- N

XD Fantastic jokes. I got up feeling pretty groggy and such, zombie walked to my computer. When it finally loaded, I decided to come here. Reading jokes when you wake up, I have to say, is the best morning ever.

Alright, let's see what I can do...I don't know a lot of 'good jokes' so I'm gonna list dumb laws instead. XP

Alabama:
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Alaska:
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

Mohave County:
A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

California:
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

I could keep going but there is so much, I wouldn't know when to stop. XD lol!

I think the Alaska one is you can't shoot moose from an airplane.

I am supposedly forbidden, by city ordinance, the practice of securing my giraffe to a municipal telephone pole.  Oh, what is a boy to do...

- N

@LordKAT: Well, I was wondering about that but when I looked it up, I saw both so I guess who knows. XP Silly law none the less! lol

@Nimeton: Such terrible news! We should riot immediately! LOL

Quote from: Nimetön on July 14, 2010, 12:43:29 PM
I am supposedly forbidden, by city ordinance, the practice of securing my giraffe to a municipal telephone pole.  Oh, what is a boy to do...

- N

Secure it to somebody elses giraffe and let them worry about it 

John

Quote from: Snowdoggy on July 15, 2010, 09:29:44 PM
Secure it to somebody elses giraffe and let them worry about it 

I like you.

- N

You're certainly not the only one going through this. I hate it. x.x I just want it to go away now.

Agreed. XP

Crazy isn't it. Recipe for hell=Take one gender dysphoric person, accentuate their female physical traits to an exaggerated degree, add dragging pain, a dash of mess, brain-fog and debilitating inconvenience, then make them go out into the world and try to act like everything's ok....

Makes me want to saddle up my giraffe and ride far away...

PS: What's small, blue and furry?
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A mouse holding its breath.

:x I have a joke.. It's a horrible one. But it made me lol alot.

What is brown and sticky?
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A stick.


OH GOD I AM SO LAME.

As for time o' the month blues, meds and court tv work for me. I get to vent my anger and get rid of the pain! Because man, court tv, there is no better way to vent. Screaming 'YOU STUPID IDIOT WTF WERE YOU THINKING' over and over at the tv, great therapy. Yes. I should be a doctor.