I live in a small southern community in the United States, a place where conservative christians are the overwhelming majority. I work in a little family-owned restaurant - the oldest restaurant in town. Because both my parents have noteworthy reputations in town, I am CONSTANTLY having customers recognize me as being their daughter. On top of that, all the other waiters there are your stereotypical southern white female - lots of makeup, hair and nails constantly done, regular visits to tanning beds.

When I first started working there about a year ago, I showed up with no makeup, my long hair pulled back, wearing the required all black attire. I had chosen men's pants and men's shirts to wear there.......and very quickly, I noticed that my tips were nowhere close to what the others were making. So I altered my appearance because I was seriously in need of the money - I at least brush my hair before going in, and I even wear some makeup. Even some earrings if I remember. This isn't the first time I've dealt with makeup and the like; being from this part of the world, I'm well accustomed to dressing a certain way just to fit in. But I'm noticing more and more that it makes me feel disgusted with myself. Yes I am biologically female, no I do not feel female, no I don't feel entirely male...but being "forced" to come across as hyperfeminine for my job feels like it's compromising my true self.

I've looked for other jobs (to no avail), so I feel kind of stuck. On top of that, I live at home with my parents right now. LUCKILY I'll be going back up to college in the fall and I'm so thankful to attend a school that is extremely open and accepting about such things. But that doesn't help how I feel right now. I don't really see much of a solution to this since I'll be leaving in a month or two. I guess this thread was mostly just for me to vent about how frustrating it is to be in such a situation!!!!!

Thanks for listening,
Connor

I'm assuming that this family-owned restaurant isn't a Hooter's type joint, so instead of focusing on your appearance so much just make sure you are SUPER friendly to the customers.  I've worked in the service industry and for some reason people just love it when you are obnoxiously nice to them.  I'd say, wear clothes that make you look "cute" and "nice" but not necessarily feminine; work your butt off for customers, be friendly and school will be here before you know it!

And you have my sympathy, I've worked in stores that want to warp your personality.  Good luck!

Yeah, it's a pretty low-key atmosphere in the restaurant...but there's some weird, unspoken standard set by the women that I work with. Not that I'm unattractive, but (especially in the deep South of the US) there is a perceived difference between girls who tan/do their hair/get their nails done regularly...and girls/people who don't. I care a lot about my appearance, just in a very different way than they do. 

I do work my butt off and I think a large part of my lower tips early on was a result of my total lack of experience when it comes to waiting tables. Now that I know the routine fairly well, I think I can make the customer happy without just standing there looking like a freakin' doll. Sometimes I find myself running circles around the rest of the waitstaff because of that very reason - some of them can just stand there twirling their hair and get a great tip for no real work!

UGH $#%$@^%$#^%$#!!!!!!    I can't wait to get back to school!

Hmm, I think this is really just one of those 'sit it out' kind of things. If you need the money, you need the money, if that's the way to get it then you'll need to make a choice: the money or your own comfort because it doesn't seem to me like there's much of a compromise.

Luckily I can give you some advice though. Might not be the one you're looking for, but who knows: it might just be useful.

I worked as a receptionist for over two years in a nursing home in a small Christian town. I wore pretty clothes, make-up, high heels and I presented myself like the cute, little girl people wanted to see. I hated it, but like you: I needed the money. So what I did was fairly simple: every time I got dressed for work and performed my little routine I acted like it was simply a role. It almost had something drag-ish to it. That receptionist wasn't the person I am, but it was the role I played succesfully. It's just an act, nothing more. I simply detatched myself from it. And, managed to do so for two years.

I'm just getting ready for another play, only this time I'm not the tree next to the princess..

I think Noid is right, the easiest thing is to a do a bit of acting, but if that is too hard then I don't think it;s a problem.

Small family restaurant, lots of return customers? Friendliness will do you just fine.

I used to not look the part of a smart hotel waiter (what with my ginger ponytail and clumpy boots) but I could speak English; discuss good places to visit in the area, talk about the newest plays, books, films and give them crossword clues when they are stuck. So many travelling salesmen had the hotel on the rounds I got repeat customers who tipped well for a bit of human chat with their eggs.

I have to agree with no_id as well.
My current situation requires me to perform the Mon - Fri  act of portraying a person whom I consider to be an alter ego.  Some days I actually enjoy the charade and other days I just can't be bothered and it's a real effort.

It is what it is and it's a means to an end.

Keep counting down the days until you return to College.