Hi everyone,
First some background, i'm not out, in fact i'm so deep in the closet i'm in another time, I'm not even sure yet where I identify yet though, i'm fairly certain i'm MtF, definately sure i'm confused, though thats another story!
Forgive me for this post, it may get long. 
Not sure if this is the place for this, but tonight, whilst watching a tv program with my s.o, I think it was a dance show, and she mentioned the sexuality of the 2 male judges, to which I said, yeah i'm pretty sure they are both gay, though i'm not 100 percent.
She went on to say, but wasn't one of them involved with a woman, my response was sure but, could be that he couldn't or wouldn't accept his sexuality and went on to say that many people would suffer a relationship for the purpose of outward appearances, acceptance, family etc.
Then she asks, you're not gay are you?
Strange question, we have been in a relationship for 7 years, anyway, I sort of evaded the sexuality question with this:
Do you beleive love transends gender?
For instance, I love her being, not her gender, I have the example of me being female and her male, and other variations, basically  I would still love her.
Her response: I don't think so, I wouldn't be comfortable in a same sex relationship, and unsure of thoughts of reversed roles.
But its not like I have to worry.

Not sure how to take this but it seems that if I find the need to transition, its another person dear to me I stand to lose.

Anyway, this post is getting very long now, just wanted to get it off my chest and seek advice, opinions or even just information, maybe someone who can't offer advice but can relate. Sorry its fast becoming a ramble, i'm a bit shaken by this

Hugs,

Tali




 

Hi,
I am m2f I do understand. I have told my wife that I am transsexual. I was unsure what I was for years and tried to hide how I felt. I told her about 6 years ago and it was bad at first. She came at me with questions that even I could not answer at the time. after some time she pushed it out of her mind and when on like I never said it. Just this year it has come back up again. She thanks that it is all in my head and that I should not be selfish. I have made up my mind that I need to transition she knows but has become a road block. I love her very much, but I have found that letting her go may be the only way that I can prove that even if I look like a selfish person.

Hi Laineyjane,
Thanks for you're response, I understand where you are coming from, and it sounds to me like you are quite the opposite of selfish if you can let her go, I can accept that it may happen too but i'm just not ready to take the plunge yet, i'm hoping to test the water whe K take some holidays and try fulltime for a couple of months then go from there
I've noticed you around on the religion  board too and would love to chat on that if you want not tne place here so i'll pm you sometime.
Love and support
Tali

20 plus years ago, I knew I was MtF.  Have a therapist, was on HRT and on my own, living part time as a woman.

During this time I met, fell in love with and eventually married my ex.  I even detransitioned because I was unable to find work.   For 20 years, we were a couple and for 10 of years we were fairly happy.  Then it came back with a vengeance.  You know the saying about a woman scorn.

I came out to her and we fought for the next 10 years, till I tried to kill myself to get rid of the "girl thing", as we called it.  That was the end of our marriage.  We tried the living in separate rooms, and even in separate parts of the house.

But I now know why we failed.  She wanted the man she thought she married and I could not be him any more.  It was not her fault for the failure, nor was it mine.  She wanted and needed a man, and I could no longer be that man.

Be ready for your wife to feel as if you lied to her.  Be ready for her to tell you she is not a lesbian, nor does she want to live with you as a woman.  Be ready to lose everything that you love now, because it can and might happen.

If you can do anything else and still be happy, do that instead.  If you are not ready to lose everything, Do Not Transition.

Very few relationships will survive transition.

There is one girl on here right now, Helena, who has just had the foresight to get involved with a bisexual woman, who therefore has no problem with her transition, but such brilliant forward thinking is very rare.

Then there are a few of us, like me, who came out at so young an age that pretty well all friends knew what was coming almost before we did! So we too manage to retain them.

But sadly the truth is that as Janet said many of you do lose at least a few relationships and friends, and yet the vast majority of you will do eventually do it, because of course it is a basic human need to be seen for what we are.

If you make friends based on a lie, you know they aren't really liking YOU, and so one day the need to be seen and known for what you feel yourself to be inside just becomes unbearable, and then the dam cracks and breaks.

My advice is, as I say to everyone, instead of trying to convince yourself that you can somehow prevent the dam from collapsing, you are better served by accepting that as an inevitability and starting, as soon as you can, to dig some relief channels to take away the resultant flood.

In other words start trying, as best you can, to salvage as many relationships as you can, as early as you can, by beginning to be more honest. Sound out and pick those friends who seem most open, and begin to subtly prepare them, and indeed yourself, for what is coming. The mere fact that you are coming to this board should tell you something about your true feelings.

The truth is, that though you should prepare for the worst. very few people do actually lose everyone, and it is also one of those situations where the longer you stave off the event the more cataclysmic and uncontrolled it will be when and if it happens.

That's why I am so often found on here urging the youngsters to just get on with it. Because by observation of others and comparison with my own life I would say that transition seems to get both vastly more difficult and yet also infinitely more likely as we get older. So the best thing really is, whether you be 15 or 50, if you have reached the point of coming to Susan's, try to work out what you need to do to be happy as soon as you can and then get on with the job. I am so glad I did it when I was young.

thanks for you're replies, opinions etc.
Janet, I know she knows i'm not "the guy"
After all I wear girls pyjamas, unisex or feminine/androgynous clothing when not at work, we paint each others toenails, heck, she's more a man than I am! 
we've been engaged for a long time, and though we plan to marry, there is always a reason why now is just not right (almost 7.5 years).
I think there is a chance we would remain friends, but as we have discussed this issue more than once, but I know not to count on it
I'm not sure i'm ready to transition but I would like to find out.
As for being happy, i'm not sure I have ever been there, i.ve heard its nice, would like to go there this summer.

Jenny,
Thankyou also, your candour is nice.
And I agree about speaking to friends, and trying to salvage relationships, outside of Susans, I only have 2 other friends, I grew up with them, they were like sisters to me, and I to them, I.ve always been one of the girls to them, I know them better than anyone, I'm pretty sure I can count on them. 
Thanks again, both of you, its nice to have someone to talk to about my feelings.
Tali

Can't really argue with Janet's point here. Trying to hide yourself doesn't work. Equally, asking someone to do it is not simply unfair, it is intolerant.

Whatever you do with your life, however you choose to proceed, covering up part of yourself for the sake of maintaining a realtionship with someone is basically whoring yourself. You are treating you as so worthless and cheap that you need to ration out who you are to get friends.

(I really know what I'm on about here. This is exactly how I'm living my own life).

I'm sure jenny is right when she says that most relationships don't last changeing. But equally, I'm pretty sure they can. It really depends on how much effort the partner is prepared to put in. Since many of us are basically doormats, having the doormat suddenly standing up and demanding entry can be a bit of a shock.

You need to be there for yourself before others.
Jenny;
I intentionaly targeted bisexual women so I could cross dress on occasion.... (ok fine I know, it isnt technicaly cross dressing lol) I guess the real truth is that I had been looking for the spouse that would allow me to transition when the time came.

I can say that even with both of us being bisexual, transition has not been seemless in our home. I married a woman and ze married a man. Now I am the woman and ze is androgyne. Kinda changes the entire dynamics of the relationship. I have lost pretty much all male privilage and have seen it confered on Sevan by society as ze masculinizes. That can cause tension and issues. No one likes to socialy lose power regardless of the reason.

Be honest with her. If she wants a relationship with a man and you are pretending to be that man, you are selling a pipedream and potentialy causeing mental anguish. It will hurt at first but you really shouldnt live a lie. It isn't good for your health, stress kills.

I agree with what everyone is saying, about not living a lie and soforth,
I'm not sure what hits harder the lack of tolerance, as I don't hide my being, other than my physical appearance, and while there would be minor changes, for the most part not much would change, except I might accept myself, and be happy.
Secondly, It feels like she loves me, but only parts, like when you open yourself to someone you care for the first time, and profess you're undying love, only to be met with "thanks",not reciprocation, makes me wonder, am I with the right person, I thought I was, maybe I am, maybe she needs someone else, I never considered the possibility that i'm just right-now
Course I could be over-reacting, one thing for sure is I need to make some hard decisions in the near future, and take some time alone to find me.
I really appreciate everyones support and advice, and at least I know I can count on all of you to love me as I am
Hugs
Tali
     

If we could make our GID go away most of us would. I ignored it as did my wife but not only did it not go away it got worse. If you and your therapist are sure you are transgendered you must face it and transition. You will likely lose you wife and many friends but if you don't transition you will lose yourself. When I finally looked my wife in the eye and said I am a woman inside and I am going to become one on the outside, I felt much better and was able to openly strart my transition.

Pam

my last relationship foundered on my need to have two whole weekends per month to myself being totally female so when I finally decided it was a case of transition or suicide I just put a notice on the works notice board saying From Monday I'm changing...and that was that.
everyone had me figured out as some sort of CD/Tv anyway so my notice and transition just cleared the air.

I really don't know how people in relationships start the transition process.

Quote from: lilacwoman on July 26, 2010, 03:12:43 PMI really don't know how people in relationships start the transition process.

I was pretty much incapable of saying I needed to transition. I had been in tears for about 72 hours straight when my wonderful mate who has always known of my gender issues asked me 'do you need to transition'? I answered yes and the tears dried up in a few minutes.
Had Sevan not asked me I probably would have rotted in my hell for good.
Fear of regection by my spouse was so much of an impediment to me I would never have transitioned without hir. I have no idea how those who do have wives and husbands come out on thier own. One of the traits that other transfolks display that humble me. I wasnt that strong myself.