Ok, I have a very personal question to ask.  I am pre-op MtF and so is my gf.  We live quite a bit apart so we have never had any actual in person communication.  That is all changing next month, when we meet for the first time in person.  I love her very much, and she me, and we've been talking about being intimate.  I have been very nervous about it, but still want to, as I'm a virgin.  Where as she was very confident about it until just recently when the reality of the fact was starting to get closer.  We've talked about just taking things slow when I come and just do what feels right, which we are both still certain will be intimate in nature.  But as this is my first experience and her first she started transitioning, I was wondering if there were any girls out there in the same kind of situation or have been? 

To elaborate on what I mean, I don't have a problem using my birth defect as long as it's her... I love her and want to make her happy and feel good, so it doesn't bother me.  But I want her to be comfortable and I don't know if she would do the same... and I kind of want her too.  Being a lesbian (as I consider myself) I never thought about interaction with male parts, but my mind frame is that it doesn't matter if it's her.  But I am just curious if there are any suggestions you girls might have on how to make her more comfortable, other ways to please her without involving parts down there if that is what she wants, anything?  And also maybe how to broach the subject with her again without her feeling like I am pushing sex, because even though I really want too just being close to her would be enough.  Thanks.

P.s.  I should probably mention I am still boy-mode all the time and only been on hormones 3 1/2 months and she is full time and been for 2 years.  Don't know if that has any bearing other than a month ago my libido came crashing back home with a vengeance :p

Relax, take a deeeeep breath.

lather, rinse, repeat lol

Situations like this can create too much pressure on the moments to be spent together, blasting away potentially quite a bit of the likelihood for a pleasant experience.

I use the factory instaled equipment. I am in a wonderful relationship and that enables me to do it (that and an adiction to orgasm lol). If I was not with my spouse I seriously doubt I could be sexual with anyone at this point in my transition.
So I get it that you are willing to use the man bits despite the dysphoria.

You don't need to rush into anything sexual. Especialy if a dysphoric attack is likely to be the result. Take your time and go slowly. Sex can be nice but it is not the be all end all of a relationship.

OK, it will not be what they taught you in SEX ED in the small town high schools of legend.  I have found that since HRT, that the internal pneumatic plumbing is not working, but the entire nerve structure in that area is on a hair trigger.  Feeling will be there, but not as I said the way they taught you in HS or early college.  You two can make your own intimacy without regard to prior rules, and it will be just for the two of you. Knowing that can take it way over the top, without even knowing you are scared about it.  I believe, and have taught my own children (now in 30's) that intimate touch, and yes sex, are and should be one of the deepest and most profound communication experiences between two people. The orgasm, will come in time to be the cherry on top of the sundae and you get to eat all of it chocolate goo and all.  The few square inches of touch between your legs are the least part of your sexual pleasure, the largest part of it is abaft the nose and athwartship the ears, so enjoy every bit of the young love making you can.  (Your brain if you are a couple of landlubbers).

Ehm.. How about...
You stop thinking about sex, and just try to relax and see what's happening?
To be fair: You've never met. I'm biased that way, since I don't like the idea of internet relationships (though I have nothing against relationships that started out as internet acquaintances.. As long as the relationships are off-line) but you don't know if you two have chemistry. Not yet, anyway.

So.. Don't rush things, but don't hold them off, either. Just let things happen in a way that feels good for you. Some dates, you end up in bed the first night. Other people take months. If you're feeling terribly insecure the moment it starts happening, then it's probably best to hold it off. If she can change your mood, or you really want to, then it's probably best to give in.
It's up to you, however.

One thing: If you do it solely to cater to her needs, even if you wouldn't otherwise want to, then the answer is: Don't do it. Offering sex merely so you don't disappoint is just wrong, and will colour your sense of sex for a long, long time.

I disagree Dryad.
I have sex many times when it is pretty much just for my spouse. I find alot of pleaseure and validation from being sexual for my spouse. I dont need or desire sex as often as s/he does but I know how it bonds the relationship.

Well speaking from first hand experience of a similar-ish situation, the only thing you can do is be yourself and be open. Even if you have the wrong bits, if you're with some one who see's you and treats you as you really are...then the bits down stairs don't matter.

Quote from: Tearza on July 26, 2010, 07:16:44 PM
Ok, I have a very personal question to ask.  I am pre-op MtF and so is my gf.  We live quite a bit apart so we have never had any actual in person communication.  That is all changing next month, when we meet for the first time in person.  I love her very much, and she me, and we've been talking about being intimate.  I have been very nervous about it, but still want to, as I'm a virgin.  Where as she was very confident about it until just recently when the reality of the fact was starting to get closer.  We've talked about just taking things slow when I come and just do what feels right, which we are both still certain will be intimate in nature.  But as this is my first experience and her first she started transitioning, I was wondering if there were any girls out there in the same kind of situation or have been? 

To elaborate on what I mean, I don't have a problem using my birth defect as long as it's her... I love her and want to make her happy and feel good, so it doesn't bother me.  But I want her to be comfortable and I don't know if she would do the same... and I kind of want her too.  Being a lesbian (as I consider myself) I never thought about interaction with male parts, but my mind frame is that it doesn't matter if it's her.  But I am just curious if there are any suggestions you girls might have on how to make her more comfortable, other ways to please her without involving parts down there if that is what she wants, anything?  And also maybe how to broach the subject with her again without her feeling like I am pushing sex, because even though I really want too just being close to her would be enough.  Thanks.

P.s.  I should probably mention I am still boy-mode all the time and only been on hormones 3 1/2 months and she is full time and been for 2 years.  Don't know if that has any bearing other than a month ago my libido came crashing back home with a vengeance :p

3 months sound almost about right for the slut phase of development 1/2 E 1/2 T in your blood is a mix of trouble.  You probably want to jump everything that moves.... anyway...

I had a BF who wanted me to.... eh.. do him, i couldnt, mentally just the thought of it kind of sickened me so if we every got that point i would lose interest, to make him happy i used a vibrator on him, after all its something a girl would do.   As for me i think he was gay so he didnt have any problem touching me just about everywhere which still made me uneasy, the only way i could enjoy any of it, is if i closed my eyes and imagined the parts down there were completely different, that worked.  However i broke up with him for other reasons, my fiance now is a straight man, obviously i can do things for him, but he wants nothing to do with downstairs, and i am happy because neither do I, but how do you enjoy intimacy?

Here is what i learned, you can enjoy intimacy and not expose your parts, if it makes you uncomfortable, in my case my fiance works everywhere on my body except no - man's land.  There is plenty of stimulation just by touching, kissing, rubbing, etc...certain areas, meanwhile with panties on and such you can use a vibrator externally, not only will it lead to some awesome pre-op orgasms, since he cant see anything but a vibrator and my panties, my fiance gets turned on by it.   

So there you have it, there is always something you can do for intimacy, but if you two had an internet relationship and want to sleep together i would be weary of that.....I didnt let him anywhere near that for 8 months.....

pre-op I enjoyed sex and some toe-curling female orgasms, without erection and without penetration. A small portion of the glans is preserved as your clitoris and it is possible to orgasm by stimulating only that small area. The stimulation might cause an erection but erection is not required for climax. I was on HRT long enough that erection was never a problem, but I hated using even that small bit of it so much that I eventually stopped doing that with my partner altogether. Since you stated that you didn't mind using it as long as it was your girlfriend, it's something you might consider. There's lots of ways to have sex without penetration. After a while on HRT it is also possible to have orgasms by nipple stimulation alone, and that's lots of fun too.

Hey ladies,
     I definitely appreciate all the advice, I have some news.  We talked and both explained our positions, and have both decided that anything is open game as we consider it now, we will just be touch and go with whatever feels comfortable.  I have to say that the conversation was very enlightening and we are much closer because of it.
     And just to clear up a few misunderstandings, my thoughts are not all about the physical aspect of things.  But since we had discussed the possibility of that happening, I thought that thinking about "how to" being wise as I would want it to be a good experience for both of us.  And that is something I really do want, for both of us to feel good about my visit.
     As far as my relationship with her, we were friends for a while before we decided to move to the next stage.  We are very close, and have both confided a lot of things to each other.  We communicate on a daily bases by phone, cam, msgr, or even snail mail.  Even though we haven't met in person we are an intricate part of each others lives and both our families love know about the other and love us.
     lol, I might have a bit of a slutty streak, but only for her.  Right now I honestly don't want anyone else touching me in any other way but platonic.  haha, which is a surprise to me as that isn't how my thought pattern was before, but still never went there.  I am more (and always have been) an emotional connector.  I think right now a lot of the fact that I want to go there is I really do want her to be my first because I love her that much.  I don't think my T lvls have anything to do with it really, since the last 3 times I had my blood tests it was almost non-existent.  I think that itself comes from the T blockers I was using for 3 months before starting hormones, that is what caused my libido to go away.

But I do want to say that you ladies are amazing and definitely helped give me the confidence to broach the conversation.  As well as giving me many different perspectives to see the situation from, thank you all so much.  I look forward to talking more to you all in the near future.