okay, well i'm pre-everything. just sitting here wishing i already had srs and could get on with life. but i don't even know where to start. I'm guessing i should get a therapist to start. but then, how do i even approach my mom to tell her i needed a therapist (i'd be kind of embarassed) and this would be in stealth of course. and on top of that, i mean i'd need to get a gender specialist therapist, but i doubt thats even possible while in stealth. even if that somehow happened, im guessing my mom would find out somehow that i'm trans. so i am thinking ill just have to wait until i move out/am kicked and everyone knows now, but then id have to wait for things to settle down at that point, and probably wouldnt have insurance then.

i guess i am just really down because i feel like there is absolutely nothing i can do at this point. i cant even start the smallest thing in my transition yet, so i am just feeling somewhat hopeless. the furthest along i am at this point is binding, and my mom has been bothering me about that lately and getting suspicious. my two options are telling her about everything, at which point id have the leave the house with whatever stuff i ever want to see again (i really would not want to ever come back to this place after that happened. my stuff is pretty much already packed anyways). and then, i couldnt exactly go to a relatives and say "i just got kicked out...for no reason. i mean", i feel like it'd just be insanity, though i am almost leaning towards this option since at least i can get it all out of the way, and hopefully be closer to starting transition. though, i feel like this option might happen anyways even if i didnt want it to, i.e. my mom somehow finding out.

the other option being, wait it out...wait until i can move out or something, and then try to start then, while still in stealth from everyone :/ which i really dont think i can do, and would be too hard and too expensive.

i really dont know what to do at this point. i wish i could just tell everyone, and everyone would hate me for it and w/e, and i'd move to missouri to live with my mate (which isnt a pipedream or anything, i could go live out there any time i wanted, but im anchored here because my family and nothing else. but if they all didnt agree with my being trans if i told them, then id be free to get out of there at least).

sorry for this long rant, but im just getting really sick of waiting, and nervous of my mom getting suspicious and everything. i just want to leave here, either by way of getting kicked out or moving out. the former being the quicker/cheaper option, though then my dad would have to know about me being trans too....though the only hope is that he might be semi-alright with it at least. my mate keeps saying that i shouldnt tell my mom (or dad) though, since it would just create chaos like i explained. but at this point, i think that actually might lead to a good thing.

i really dont know, im just stuck. if i was just born right everything would be fine.

Well, the thing is, you have to tell them eventually.  And they will find out, eventually.  I am working towards telling my parents at the moment, but I'm 26 and don't live with em, so it's a bit different.  I'm going to do it in a letter, that's easiest.  And I drop hints. It's scaryish when you think yr parents are on to you.

But yeah, nothing worse than feeling stuck.  I guess I don't have any helpful advice right now, but if you ever want to chat I'm here for you bro 

Maybe she already knows. Take the chance, tell your parents, try to get a therapist? Or wait it out? Completely your choice.

But you pretty much have to start with a therapist.

hang on dude . as it was said before , they will eventually find out one way or the other . the best way to let them know imho is gradually by dropping hints and such until you can actually come out , i think you kinda already doing that by binding. and do you have to tell her why are you going to a therapist? i mean i'm still 'in' myself . and since there's no gender specialists available in my region (that i know of) i went to my normal psychiatrist and no one knew anything (although the psychiatrist wasn't of much help anyway but meh)
anyway , good luck in figuring out what to do

Quote from: rexgsd
i really dont know, im just stuck. if i was just born right everything would be fine.
/quote]
all successful transitioenrs have been there done that...so you have to do it too.
You don't say how old?  But first you need some input about exactly what you are and thats where your medical insurance comes in...unless your piggybank holds enough for soem tiem with a good therapist?
Good luck and know that practically everyone posting on Susans has had to go through the mill.

I think you should probably tell your parents, I'm sure they'd rather you be honest with them than for them to find out another way. But I definitely know how hard it is when you worry about your parent's reactions. My mom is not an open minded person, but I knew I had to tell her, and she admitted to thinking right away that it had to do with my sexual orientation but she said as I continued explaining she knew I was telling the truth and she isn't in denial of it and very helpful in getting me started. So basically, if you explain it to your mom just right, she might understand and you'll feel a lot better. But I wish you luck in everything its a hard process but we all have to go through it