I know this is a question many may not wish to answer (maybe you could PM me?). Are there many guys here who have had children? I have a 13yr old daughter who is so far very cool with me being transgendered. She says it's 'weird but ok', and seems happy to ask questions.

I am worried that I am going to screw her up in some huge way. It isn't helped by people in the family (who don't know that she knows already) saying,"but what about ****? Aren't you at all concerned about how this will affect her?"

Of course I'm concerned - the thought of messing up my lovely daughter and potentially making life really awkward for her at school is terrifying. She lives with her Dad and Step-Mum (who don't know yet), and I'm scared they'll use it as yet another example of me being bonkers. They will, I know, support me in front of ****, though, as her Dad and I have a mutual deal of supporting each other and not putting each other down in front of ****, however much we dislike each other.

Any parents out there who can reassure me that their offspring haven't been completely warped by their parent's transition?

I have 2 children.  My son is 11 and my daughter is 15.  I came out and transitioned 2.5 years ago.

Honestly they were fine with the whole thing, on board with pronouns, though they still call me Mom at home.

My daughter's biggest issue is that she isn't sure what to call me to her friends.  Part of her problem stems from the fact that she freely tells people she lives with her dad on weekends and her mom during the week.  Then when she arranges a get-together she panics and says how do I explain YOU?   I said I lived with my Mom....  So I've been trying to get her to stop telling people that (the Mom part) so that she doesn't end up in that situation, but she forgets.

So I have agreed to let her tell people I'm her uncle (she does live with her uncle).  She's also told people her family is complicated.  I've tried to get her to tell people she's with her dad on weekends and with her uncle during the week, or even joked to just tell people she has 2 male parental units, which she doesn''t want to do either.  I figure she'll figure it out eventually.  But what teenager isn't embarrassed by their parents?  I'll just go with the flow.

Both kids understand why I'm not out and proud and why it's important not to out me to people.


Jay

Edited to add: Most kids just care that they have parents who love them and care about them.  Your daughter will still have YOU.    I also always told my kids to be true to themselves.  What kind of example would I have set if I kept denying my true self and stayed in the closet?

That's really reassuring - thank you!

My daughter has been joking that she may call me 'Mud' (a cross between Mum and Dad) or even 'Mad'  I've told her she can call me anything she feels comfortable with - Mum is still fine, Mark if she wishes...whatever she wants.

Hiya

I have 2 daughters...16 and 13..  They are wonderful loving SELFISH little teenagers...My transition began a year and half ago..and I'm 48 yrs old...so they are used to having a dad...


it is awkward around their friends, but its also not a big deal...as you say, what teenager isnt awkward around parents?
I have given up much of my social life with them and our time has been private..as i've improved in my passability, they have been comfortable going out with me and the only problem is they don't tell all their friends....some know and others dont..

i also think it's VITALLY IMPORTANT to not have the trash talk going on in your extended family and your kids step family...this is HUGE....I have had to bite my tongue many times with my ex because i need her support with the kids...as time has passed, my kids see that I"m ok, and they are finding that they are ok...and thats what matters to them

i think you'll do great and so will your daughter!

-kaitlyn

Hey Turtle,

You may have gathered this from our little "breastfeeding" back and forth, but I have an 8 month old son.  I'm hoping to start HRT after he gets off the boob milk. (wouldn't want to give him a VERY early onset of puberty)

Since this is happening so early in his life, he likely won't remember things being any other way, so I'm not in the same boat here, really.  However, I will be out to him as trans and he can call me "mom" if he wants.  I don't think that it'll screw up his life.  I hope he grows up to be an open-minded, accepting person.

Quote from: SnailPace on July 27, 2010, 10:53:38 AM
I hope he grows up to be an open-minded, accepting person.

I think that's what we all hope for our kids. I like to think my daughter will be like that, having seen so many different ways of living, and met such a wide variety of people. Someone did once say that she'll either end up a complete screw-up, or amazingly balanced...I'm hoping for the latter 

I don't have kids but I do have nieces and nephews and have had my mom pull the "think of the kids, what will this do to them" line.  I am concerned how it'll affect them.  They don't know yet.  My mom says she doesn't want me to tell them, she says it's my sisters' job to do that.  One of my sisters has been really supportive but the other one, while she hasn't been hostile, does think I'm a bit of a freak, and I'm concerned about what she'll say...I'm also concerned what my mom will say, because she'll probably be the one to tell instead of my sister.  My mom's already told some family members, after I asked her not too, and she made it sound like I was delusional.

Quote from: jmaxley on July 27, 2010, 01:33:49 PM
she made it sound like I was delusional.

Ah yes - join the Delusional Club. I'm also a member, according to my Mum. Kids tend not to think that way, though.

I have a complicated family, 4 biological kids 1 step kid and a few"spare" kids. reactions vary but I waited til the last one was on his own to transition. I wish I hadn't now but I knew of no one and social services here will take your kids for any little thing. I was not about to risk that. If I could have had information for them and people behind me , I would have made the effort back then as life was difficult for all of us because of it (trans Issues).

I have two daughters, six and eight, and I haven't told them yet.  Not because I don't want them to know, but because I wanted to reach a point at which I knew what the hell was happening before I broached it.  So that is now.  I am not looking forward to it, but they are bright, balanced little things with very open minds.  I am sure they will be a little upset, but they have the love and support of their parents and their extended family, so they will cope. 

Personally, I think there is no reason why kids should be emotionally or psychologically scarred by this, providing it is handled well.  Your daughter will likely take her lead from you.  If you treat this as just something that some people go through rather than being a huge, mortifying crisis, I am pretty certain she will take it the same way.  The key, I think, is to be open and honest (as you appear to be already) and don't implicitly give the impression that there is anything "wrong" or "shameful" about the whole business.

It might also be an idea to talk to her about how she will tell others about it.  Why not just talk to her about how she can disclose this to her friends?  Agree to a name that she will call you, see if she wants to practice in role play how she can talk about this to anyone, just try and normalise it.  Can you think of any transpeople that she would see as positive role models that you can talk about with her (Buck Angel is probably not a good idea...)?  Can she meet any other transpeople, to let her know that you are not an isolated case? 

Just think, children are more adaptable than adults.  They have open minds because they don't yet know what is "normal" or "acceptable".  So many more things are possible in a child's world than in an adults.

And research shows that it is the quality of the care children receive that helps them become balanced people, not how orthodox the care-giver is.  You sound like a caring and considerate parent.

And finally, I know that we, as parents, seek to protect our children from all the potentially harmful things in this world, particularly if they are things that we might do.  But we just can't keep them in cotton wool.  If it is important (as transitioning is), there is a good argument for taking a calculated risk and going ahead but with a careful, considered approach.

That was a lot of ramble, wasn't it, but I hpoe there is something in there that might help.  Good luck to you.

Thank you, Papillon - not a ramble, but some very sound advice,

i have an 18 year old son. I broached the subject of transitioning with him when he was sixteen and he was totally against the idea. A year later he came to me and said i had to do what was right for me. To be fair he went thro school getting flak for the way i looked anyway and people asking if i was his mum or his dad so he was sort of used to that part of it. Now he's trying to get the pro nouns right although we ve agreed that i'll always be his mum. Hes even decided what he's gonna tell his own kids when and if that happens. I personally think our relationship has got so much better over the last year- some of that is because of his age but it is also because i can be totally me now

I have two sons, 16 and 18. I came out to them when they were 12 and 14. They were awesome about it actually and even started to call me 'dad'. But it was ME that actually found myself in a bit of having issues with it rather than them when their high school principle called the house one day and asked for their mother and I said 'Speaking' and the guy hung up on me, thinking I was one of the kids playing a joke. They live with their father now and now it's not as complicating and I don't worry as much. My son is dating a girl right now and she wants to meet me and this is kinda how our conversation went..

Son: "I want you to meet my girlfriend"
Me: "I'd love to..does she know your mom is sort of...diffferent?"
Son: "I told her and if she has an issue with it, then that's her problem."
Me: "Ok"

I found my kids are stronger about it than I am. And my sons have actually been more open to other people, are less likely to judge someone by appearances first...they (In MY opinion) Are better people than if I hid it from them and waited till they left the house...