A paragraph from my Journal.

I did though have an interesting experience with my first fake breasts. In the past I've worn bras and I've always liked the feel and the idea of it. But recently I broke down and tried the water balloon theory out for fake breasts. I wasn't going to at first (that week while S.O was in Florida was actually going to be my first attempt) but I stomped into the bathroom and said "ta'hell with it". I wasn't going to be worried about if they look silly on me. I wasn't going to be worried about if they break, I just did it. An hour after putting them on, I had completely forgot that I was even wearing water balloons. I had breasts, though I hadn't thought about them for the hour after I had put them on. I was cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes and stuff and I didn't even notice that I had breasts. Once I had sat down to take a brake in front of my computer was when I actually 'noticed' I had breasts, and the feeling was almost joy. I had sat there in front of my computer for at least five minutes thinking to myself 'oh my god', I even reached up and felt them. They were warm against my chest and touching them with my hands felt almost like I was touching real breasts. I could feel them move under my hands and move against my chest. It just about made me cry. I wore those for 5 hours that day.  I felt sad when I had to take them off to get ready for work.

This is what I had written in my journal on the 25th of July. I wanted to talk about it here anyways and figured this was going to be the best way to go about it after I had written it down.

I was worried about feeling sad trying out fake breasts because I knew that just from wearing a bra I had sad moments. Once, I got so bad that I ended up getting rid of the bra that I had because I couldn't handle how sad it was making me and yet here I am putting myself through the same emotions nearly 4 years or so after getting rid of my bra.

Bah.

Sorry.

I'm hopeless.

Then I too must join your club of hopelessness, because that was me about 2 years ago. It took a good few months after that to come to terms with things, but I did. I've thrown away quite a few garments, most of them quite hideous and used only because they gave me the feeling of something more feminine. Heck, I only managed to rid myself of a pair of loofahs, of all things, a couple of weeks ago. I'd stuff them down a bra as the shower puffs were the closest I could get to a more feminine chest shape - now I'm left with a bra that's far too big and so will likely be thrown out too.

I bought a decent size and some silicone pads to replace this imitation set, thanks to advice sought right here. I have spent a few tenners and twenties here and there on other, similar stuff - a corset, underwear, leggings simply to have me experience the feel of a smooth leg for once. I felt alright about that because a little money went towards things which made me feel so much better about myself. What better outlet than that?

Somewhere along the line, fetishistic experiments turned into the realisation that I am actually a woman, and that these acts, while shameful and quite ridiculous to me, served a purpose and were now done with. I think it came soon after the day I'd dressed up in a quite grotesque costume of pinches and padding, and fell asleep in the middle of the day not even aware I was still wearing it all. I felt it was time to move on, then. I wish I knew how I did that.

You seem to have some doubts about things yourself, though. It's hard to know what such things mean when only you have the answers. I wish you luck with that dilemma, and I hope you can view things objectively. Do try to put outside concerns aside. Only when I discounted the opinions of all others, and especially those closest to me, did I feel I could finally see a way forwards.

Until you begin developing your own, you are stuck doing what girls have done for ever.  That is to stuff your bra.  Whether it is water balloons, rice/bird seed knee highs or silicone forms.  It is all part of a girl going through puberty.

You're not hopeless honey, you're just in a lot of pain. The mind is craving the curves that are not there. There is the joy of seeing what could be, then the sadness of realising that you take it off at the end of the day. It is simply an awful thing to live with.

I as with many others know what you are going through.   Have heart, you will get there in the end, it may just take time.   Many genetic girls feel the same as you but a little can go a long way with the correct undies.   Many suppliers of prosthetic breasts are used to dealing with the transgender community and the products they sell are very realistic.   They may help in the short term until nature, or surgery give the results you want.

Yeah.

This is something you really need to do. It takes time to come to terms with yourself. But it's gonna be a lot better than denying who and what you are.

I'm sorry, but I never experienced the hopeless that so many of you have gone through and my heart goes out to each of you when I read those stories.

Each experience that I went through after coming home from boarding school up and till the time I left my family and friends, (this was when I finally realised that I was a female) continued to make me happier and contented with myself, so I continued to follow that path never giving up what made me happy.  That is I thought about what I was going to do next, it was slow at first, but eventually the experiences were becoming too frequent, till finally I left.

The final journey (which was the last two years before my surgery) I was just living my life as I had always dreamed or thought of.  After my surgery, I was finally at peace with myself like I had never been before.

So back to the question you posted in the subject line, "Just can't understand why I do this to myself?"  This answer more than likely lies with you, living up to the expectations of others around you, making them happy and not yourself.  You should be following your heart and do not give up what you love to do.  Even at the sake of losing those that are around you.

Kind regards
Sarah B

Quote from: LivingInGrey on July 25, 2010, 02:54:44 PM
A paragraph from my Journal.

I did though have an interesting experience with my first fake breasts. In the past I've worn bras and I've always liked the feel and the idea of it. But recently I broke down and tried the water balloon theory out for fake breasts. I wasn't going to at first (that week while S.O was in Florida was actually going to be my first attempt) but I stomped into the bathroom and said "ta'hell with it". I wasn't going to be worried about if they look silly on me. I wasn't going to be worried about if they break, I just did it. An hour after putting them on, I had completely forgot that I was even wearing water balloons. I had breasts, though I hadn't thought about them for the hour after I had put them on. I was cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes and stuff and I didn't even notice that I had breasts. Once I had sat down to take a brake in front of my computer was when I actually 'noticed' I had breasts, and the feeling was almost joy. I had sat there in front of my computer for at least five minutes thinking to myself 'oh my god', I even reached up and felt them. They were warm against my chest and touching them with my hands felt almost like I was touching real breasts. I could feel them move under my hands and move against my chest. It just about made me cry. I wore those for 5 hours that day.  I felt sad when I had to take them off to get ready for work.

This is what I had written in my journal on the 25th of July. I wanted to talk about it here anyways and figured this was going to be the best way to go about it after I had written it down.

I was worried about feeling sad trying out fake breasts because I knew that just from wearing a bra I had sad moments. Once, I got so bad that I ended up getting rid of the bra that I had because I couldn't handle how sad it was making me and yet here I am putting myself through the same emotions nearly 4 years or so after getting rid of my bra.

Bah.

Sorry.

I'm hopeless.

The reason you do this to yourself is the same reason women that have breast cancer use fake breasts after their real ones are removed.  You want to feel whole and that is the only way you feel closer to being whole.  Until you are fully whole this will continue and never go away and just gets worse, that is why typically transition is the only method of treatment.

I'm sitting here again with my time bombs on today. My S.O had to work a shift today so I've got the house to myself until I have to go and pick her up.

I understand why this feels natural, feels like me. I think most of the reason why I feel sad when I have to take them off is because I'm not sure what the future will bring for me. I know what my options are but I don't know which road to take. I think something I'll need to do again is sit down with my S.O and find out where she stands again on my issue. She's the main reason why I don't know where my future would lead me, because I don't want to have any future that isn't with her (as long as I have anything to do with the decision).

I might just have to break down and spend some money on a therapist even if it's an online one. Depends on how my conversation goes with my S.O I guess.

I know that feeling very deeply LivingInGrey... Like when they are there, you feel complete in sense.  I don't know whether you have phantom sensations when they are not there, but those can be a pain.  It is really nice to forget that they are there; for me I took it as a sign that something is right when I am presenting female.  I think it helps, because for once what you feel internally reflects what is external.   

Maybe you do it for the same reason young girls entering puberty do it. I remember my cousin doing it and begging me to try. The difference of course, is that they usually do it in excitement and anticipation, laughing and dancing around with their balloon boobs. And you'll have yours someday too, so enjoy this pre-puberty time of exploration.