It's a bit of a quagmire... I don't really want to kill myself but I wrestle with suicidal thoughts and feelings on a near daily basis

Am I just lonely and need to find that right S/O to share love with? Do I need to move to a more trans friendly area? Do I need to overthrow the world and sort it all out until I feel satisfied?

Are there others that go through this type of wrestling match?

I get pretty depressed pretty often, but it's been awhile since I've had any suicidal thoughts. They were rare enough that there was no reason to worry. Only once had I ever even considered it as an option.

I have no idea what you should do. Perhaps a new area will help you, your area does not sound like the best (didn't you get attacked or something?)

Virginia, I have those thoughts almost daily, but I work them out some how.

May be a new area might work for you.  Portland is nice. 

And if you need to call or PM me.  We can hold each other up.


Hugs

Hi Virginia,

I think many of us do. But we have to keep positive. I don't have enough tears to cry if you did anything to yourself. You were my first friend on this site.

I do hear from Lacy Lynne and Janet that Portland is very TG friendly. But I'm not sure about your financials.

Hugs darling

Cindy

it's always in the back of my mind , but things are balanced by the remainder of my logic . but i still fantasize about it sometimes , however i rarely take it seriously unless am really really depressed

It's been a long time since I thought about killing myself.. However I have considered hacking bits of myself off.. Ironically, the things that stops me is the thought that it would make GRS near impossible..

Thinking about it more, I have only ever been close to suicide once, many years ago.. I was lucky then, my friends had seen that I was in a bad way and called my youth worker and she busted in and "rescued" me.. An act I never sufficiently thanked her for..

Quote from: kelly_aus on July 31, 2010, 05:24:36 AM
It's been a long time since I thought about killing myself.. However I have considered hacking bits of myself off.. Ironically, the things that stops me is the thought that it would make GRS near impossible..

Thinking about it more, I have only ever been close to suicide once, many years ago.. I was lucky then, my friends had seen that I was in a bad way and called my youth worker and she busted in and "rescued" me.. An act I never sufficiently thanked her for..

I think you just have, saving another is what it is about.

Cindy

Quote from: CindyJames on July 31, 2010, 05:29:00 AM

I think you just have, saving another is what it is about.

Cindy

In that case I've thanked her several times..

I think after you have thought seriously about it once, it always remains an option.

Pretty well never in my case. So I chose the never option... although like everyone human I do get down sometimes, and on the odd occasion I kind of have wished that I could think about it... if that doesn't sound too weird.

The reason I say never, even so, is because I'm honestly far too much of a coward. The first thought that comes into my head when I try to think suicide is "painful" - and for me that immediately stops me in my tracks and I realise that despite the fact that life is difficult, on the whole contemplating death seems to be no less problematic. For me that simple realisation has always been enough to deflect me from any serious contemplation of the issue.

I can understand how you feel Virginia. I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for my wife. What keeps me going when I get so very low is knowing she will be alone.

A move is often a positive thing. These can fail without some research.

I don't really know much about your part of the world. Your first objective would seem to be to make sure you can afford to live there. I would imagine that there will be many different parts which cost different amounts. Income is, of course, also important. So being able to travel to your place of work.

One of the great things about moving is that you can start afresh with people. Your own presentation is something you can generally only adapt to a minor degree. Though you can start with nre personal boundries more to your own liking. That is always a big plus. Boundries are always difficult to clater later.

One of the really big gains will be having a better idea of the sort of people you want to mix with to any extent.

I tend to think that, of possible, take as much with you as you can. Buying new stuff will eat into your funds.

My own experience, and it is limited in this regard, is that close relationships take a lot of time. They generally work out when you stop really trying.

Quote from: Pica Pica on July 31, 2010, 06:20:28 AM
I think after you have thought seriously about it once, it always remains an option.

Having been "rescued" whilst I was standing in the shower with the knife to my wrist, I can honestly say that was the last time it was even close to an option.. I've learnt the suicide is not the answer, apart from being selfish, it merely transfers the issues to those closest to you..

Do I get down? Frequently..  Do I think about chopping off the bits I don't want? I have on occasion..But suicide? No, it wouldn't solve my problems, it would merely foist them on those that care for me and cause them unneeded hurt.

Quote from: Pica Pica on July 31, 2010, 06:20:28 AM
I think after you have thought seriously about it once, it always remains an option.

this.

I've had suicidal thoughts but there was only a period of two days where I truly considered going through it.  I am an immensely lonely person--I know one person in my area outside of school and my closest family is in Texas.  I'm depressed because I'm lonely and have only one friend here and because, as I get older, I just don't feel comfortable with how I look.  I have social anxiety disorder which I'm battling so I can get out of my apartment without being terrified of people.  Take all of that and then throw in a solid two months of disturbing dreams that were leaving me far from rested, and screaming for your mom in one of the dreams and actually screaming into your bedroom out loud for mom followed by being terrified of sleeping with the lights off because of that dream, and then you would have my mindset of when I was contemplating suicide.  I was going crazy, plain and simple, and I just couldn't deal with it.  So I made an emergency run to my psychiatrist so I could get off of my meds and then get new ones (which have left my dreams alone, thank god).

Since that period in time (which was about 3 or 4 weeks ago), I've gotten better and I haven't had a suicidal thought since--even a half-hearted one.  Life seems so much better since that mental breakdown and I just look my dog and see her little tail wagging and then I see my parents smiling faces on Skype and I realize I could never go through with suicide.  I have too much to lose doing that, and I would seriously hurt my family and I don't want that--I love them too much.

That mental breakdown saved my life.

I struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings pretty much daily.  Have come soooo close so many times.  My life feels so worthless and hopeless so much of the time.  Nothing seems to help.  It's a constant struggle.  I wonder sometimes how long I'll be able to continually fight against it.  I just keep trying to make it to my next birthday, and then the birthday after that, wondering if I'll make it...I've been to so many therapists and doctors and been on so many different meds...nothing's helped.

Shang, I've got the social anxiety thing too.  Not fun.

Quote from: jmaxley on August 01, 2010, 12:04:12 AM

Shang, I've got the social anxiety thing too.  Not fun.

Yeah, it's pretty horrid.  It pretty much screwed everything up to where I rarely made friends and never kept them...But I'm getting help so I hope it all changes so I can get out and about.

I used to have suicidal thoughts almost daily, and have done since childhood. Since about 3 years ago, when I stopped trying to pretend to be something I'm not, those thoughts have become much more rare.

I also have thoughts of death, but am too afraid to do so. I have daydreams of what I want to be and I hope they'll come true someday. However it always makes me sad to think of others in this terrible situation, even though I know its hard, even unbearable at times, I hope for all of us that we can get through it.

I'd like to die 25% of the time but I have someone who relies on me day to day.

I came up with a release the last time I was messed up. It occurred to me that I could go to the emergency room and tell them what I want to do and they will put me under observation. For some reason, that calms me down. Maybe it's just having an alternative. I assume that being under observation is relaxing because it pulls you temporarily out of the circumstances that are overwhelming you at the time.

Option added

@ Shang & JMaxley... My therapist has been helping me with social anxiety also