I'm kind of in a sticky situation right now and was hoping I could get some advice. About a year and a half ago I met Becca who identifies as a lesbian. Right from the start we had an instant connection. We've both expressed how much we like each other and our feelings for each other. She sees me completely as male and nothing else. We've talked about making things official for a while now, but my problem is that she STRONGLY identifies as a lesbian and nothing else. It really bothers me. I'm not sure what I should do. I've talked to her about it and she's told me that just because she's a lesbian doesn't mean she doesn't like me. I'm just really confused by this.

Any advice will be much appreciated.

-Ashton

In all honesty I would break it off.
She is a lesbian. Lesbians are into women. She sees you as male but is attracted to your girl parts.

I am by no means an expert on lesbians (never was one, never ID'd as one, never dated one), but when I was newly transitioning, I had lesbians falling all over me wanting to date me.  I declined.

Later, when I thought I was interested in dating women, I did speak to a handful of lesbians who wanted to date me.  They loved the fact that I was FTM.  Until I told them I was on T and had had top surgery.  Then they weren't interested.

From my limited experience lesbians love FTMs as long as they don't transition.  Granted, this is speaking in generalities and there are lesbian identified women who have and continue in relationships with trans men after transition.  But my gut feeling says  that things will not be cool once you start T and have surgery.


Jay

I've been on T for almost two years, and haven't had top surgery yet. You'll find this pretty interesting, but she wants to get top surgery as well. She's pretty genderqueer and is in no way attracted to me for the parts that I have now.

I don't mean to be close-minded or whatever, but lesbians don't get top surgery.

There are lesbians that are attracted to men, and lesbians attracted to masculinity. Her sexual orientation doesn't define your gender identity.

If you're uncomfortable with dating somebody because of how they identify with their sexual orientation then don't date them. I'm okay with dating somebody who is a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, anything that isn't "straight" but that's who I am.

Why is it not ok for women to have a male contoured chest?

Quote from: ashton46 on August 02, 2010, 04:39:00 PM
I've been on T for almost two years, and haven't had top surgery yet. You'll find this pretty interesting, but she wants to get top surgery as well. She's pretty genderqueer and is in no way attracted to me for the parts that I have now.

Well, maybe you're a lucky one then.  Carry on!


Jay

Love and attraction is a funny thing. It does not always run in clear lines.

There used to be a straight guy on this site, a SO. His 'wife' transitioned to become a man, and they stayed together. Now he was straight. But he had a beautiful line, he said "I am not gay, but I am sure as hell glad my partner is". How lovely is that? That was love for you.

In a lot of ways the sexuality is unimportant as long as they are into you. So I would not limit it before it happens. She likes you. Keep talking. Communication is the key here. At worst, you can remain great friends.

So my advice, be happy with what it is. You like her, she likes you. As long as it is very transparant that you are a guy and you know she will always be a lesbian, and you both are into each other, and you physically hit it off, it can work. So go on, be a crazy queer couple. If it does not work out it will make for a fond memory and story. In the future you will never wonder 'what if'.

Plus think of the kudos with the guys "dude! you scored a lesbian!, your da man, seriously"

For my own part, I am a lesbian but I fell in love with a guy once. We would have been a great couple with a lot of love. There was just something between us. Who dares wins.

Thanks Nicky :]

no problem.

I think love is a gift, it comes in all shapes and sizes.

it seems like a lot of people use lesbian/gay as a cultural identifier moreso than a sexual orientation. i've never identified as lesbian for this reason....i'm not sure how to describe it really, i just never felt like i fit in with 'lesbian' culture. maybe your partner is lesbian because she feels a connection to the community rather than solely using the word because of liking "girl parts" 

Quote from: Nicky on August 02, 2010, 04:42:36 PMThere used to be a straight guy on this site, a SO. His 'wife' transitioned to become a man, and they stayed together. Now he was straight. But he had a beautiful line, he said "I am not gay, but I am sure as hell glad my partner is". How lovely is that? That was love for you.

I'm in a very similar positin to this. I've been married to a cisgendered straight man for 22 years. When I told him that I was transsexual and I wanted to transition he said "It's YOU I fell in love with. I don't care what gender you are."

One of my FTM friends is partnered with a woman who identifies as lesbian. He's been on T for years, has had all the surgery, and she still loves him and they're still together. So it can definitely work.

Sometimes love transcends gender and orientation.

I've known of lesbians who have dated cis men and still considered themselves lesbian. I think it definitely can be problematic for FTMs to date lesbians, but it all depends on the individual. 

Words such as 'lesbian' are social labels rather than behavioral descriptors; in practice, a lesbian is not a woman who maintains sexual relationships with women so much as one who does so publicly.

The underlying extant reality of your relationship is not affected by labels; existence precedes consciousness.  However, your respective social memberships will be at stake.  If you are believed entirely male, your girlfriend may no longer be considered lesbian.  Far more likely, if they know that you are trans, then you may no longer be considered male, but merely an odd butch.  Your own girlfriend may react in either of these ways to her own participation, being an adherent of the associated cultural ideology; if public lesbianism is important to her, she will have clear incentive to endorse the latter.

I have never seen this sort of relationship work, in my own experience, but others have.  In life, you may expect very few chances to be happy; if this is one of them, I suggest that you take it.

Quote from: Nicky on August 02, 2010, 04:42:36 PM
Plus think of the kudos with the guys "dude! you scored a lesbian!, your da man, seriously"

I would expect the opposite reaction, honestly.

- N

Quote from: Nimetön on August 02, 2010, 11:45:46 PM
I would expect the opposite reaction, honestly.

- N

Really?  Back when I was a "lesbian", guys seemed pretty keen to score with me.

Ashton, if you like Becca and she likes you, and if that mutual regard includes an honest exchange of thoughts, which it appears to do, then my advice is to grab the situation with both hands, and to hell with the labels. Good relationships are hard enough to find without screwing them up or abandoning them over side issues and linguistics. And if in the end it all falls apart, what have you lost?

Quote from: Ryan on August 02, 2010, 04:30:55 PM
In all honesty I would break it off.
She is a lesbian. Lesbians are into women. She sees you as male but is attracted to your girl parts.

I agree.
This is exactly the opposite sex situation of men -closet gays - who chase MtFs for their male parts.

Quote from: lilacwoman on August 03, 2010, 04:02:37 AM
I agree.
This is exactly the opposite sex situation of men -closet gays - who chase MtFs for their male parts.

Not everyone is like that though, in fact, I could easily argue that women are less likely to embody that stereotype; being the more emotionally guided of the sexes.  Besides, sometimes people will surprise you; and there are some pretty *amazing* people in this world. ~To the OP, Ashton: I would say follow your heart; do not allow yourself to become jaded, trust in what you feel, and don't let anyone (anyone including society, trans or otherwise) influence you unduly. ^^ One more thing, if she can accept & love you unconditionally... You should be able to do the same (for your relationship to truly work there needs to be an equality of exchange) and reciprocate that purest of Love; stop letting her personal identification bother you, just accept it, and accept her completely, i.e., for who she is (or who she feels she is; but really, isn't it the same).

Quote from: Ryan on August 02, 2010, 04:30:55 PM
In all honesty I would break it off.
She is a lesbian. Lesbians are into women. She sees you as male but is attracted to your girl parts.

This is a very narrow-minded and judgemental view of the situation. Love and attraction transcend 'girl parts' ( or for that matter 'boy parts') and it is more than possible for a relationship to rip up the labels because one person is, pure and simple, attracted to another person, and has fallen for them for the myriad of beautiful reasons that this ever happens, between people of whatever perceived gender or sexual orientation.

My partner strongly identifies as a lesbian. We have been together for years, and we are with each other because of love, respect, lust, and a whole list of other very ordinary and extraordinary stuff that keeps people together. To imply that she (or anyone else in a similar situation) is 'chasing an FTM for their female parts' (to paraphrase) is offensive.