I'm slowly on track to renew my efforts to be Simone for real hopefully  in the near future but as I stated in my introduction I had actually taken a few tentative steps  out of the closest over ten years ago, but to my suprise it was running into the haters *within* the trans community and trans-friendly resources not being as advertised.

It was in the late 90s when I finally took a step out of the deep closet and sought help, and found a great therapist.  She wasn't a gender specialist but working with her did give me the confidence to start thinking about transition.  I started researching TG oriented sites, getting decent into about trans issues, and even found some supportive people in a couple of online chats.   

But that didn't last long.  The therapist found a list of TS resources here in this city, including a psychiatrist who was listed as someone who works with TG-identified clients, and who also accepted Medicaid-covered clients.   So I saw her, and in our very first session as soon as I mentioned why I was there, she very tersely explained that the only diagnosis she would provide to someone who was TG was a diagnosis of antisocial or sociopathic behavior,  and advising me if I wanted to be treated by her, the deal was not to mention being TG.  So all I got from her was a prescription for antidepressants, and her accusing me of wanting to transition just so I could be a girl in a wheelchair to get more attention because being a guy in a chair wasn't working.   

Over time the online resources seemed to shift- the chats becoming anti-MtF in a confusing way, where you could say you felt female inside but had to jump into guy talk quickly or else get flamed, and info listed as "trans support" instead turning out to be info on how to transition through less than legit means, and really bad TG stories.   Is there TG fiction that isn't about forced transformation?

The clincher though was around 2000, ten years ago this summer as a matter of fact, where I started attending meetings of a local TG support group only to find out very quickly that it wasn't  all that supportive- the two MtFs running it seemed to be the most homophobic, transphobic, and misogynistic people I've ever met.   I got kicked out for being there in my wheelchair, since that made the group uncomfortable, talking too much, because I sounded "too interested" in trans issus and info about transition,  not expressing masculinity (even those identifying as MtF weren't allowed to express femininity if they wanted to be allowed into the group), but the two big reasons were "lack of progress" because I wasn't showing up in female clothing, and my stating that I was attracted to women, which to them was a huge no-no, because to them, it's actually considering betraying men to have a sex change and then not be with men.    "No choice" I was told- the one telling me that told me that even though she thinks being with men is disgusting, she knows her place and "serves" her male partner.   

If I didn't know any better, I'd think that these MtFs saw being female as some terrible fate they were resigned to, to the point of demanding that despite being pre-op and close to actual SRS, that they weren't women but merely men in drag, seeming to present themselves as men trapped in female bodies.

That was my first exposure to the haters in the community- it's not that I ran into differing points of view, it was being harshly criticized merely for *having* an opinion that didn't go along with their party line.   I found it very confusing to see MtF identified people being angry *because* they were transitioning, and even more confusing the total hostility towards any expressions of femininity, even me simply commenting on how I still felt sad about not having girl oriented toys as a kid. 

It wasn't just me- apparently there were a few others I met at a couple of meetings who had been kicked out previously- one I think for being post-op and seeming to be too well-adjusted, and the other I think had only started her transition but was showing up dressed too feminine.

So my pursuit of transition ultimately ground to a halt- lack of trans support, business plans to make the money to actually transition never panned out, and family and friends, while not hostile,  expecting me to not pursue it, and figuring that if I never talked about it around them that it would never happen.

Today though I want to make a renewed effort to pursue transition, and I get it how expensive and complicated it will be.  I also accept that there are different ways people might express their gender identity.   But is it possible to be myself someday without being called an attention seeker because of the wheelchair, or face exclusion by other trans persons merely for expressing femininity, and not be seen as betraying all the men out there because I'd be a lesbian post-transition?

It's bad enough feeling like I'll have to face things alone, but it's far worse knowing people I would assume would be helpful end up being the biggest haters.

Simone

Hi Simone and welcome to a very friendly place. I think you will find none or very little of that type of thinking or behavior here. The chair makes no difference and why anyone would think that it does is just plain weird. I am sorry you had such a bad experience when trying to make progress and an confident that with some help from people and the wiki and such on this site that you will be on your way with some new and supportive friends.

Welcome.

All I gotta say is don't let it get you down. People, no matter if they are bio-whatever or TG, straight or gay, are still people...and people can be really stupid. Whenever you have a group situation, like a support group or a online chat group, there's a chance that some Alpha is going to try and take charge and steer things THEIR way, and when they get that power, decide who and what can join the 'club.'

Even if you meet a group like that, that doesn't mean it still can't be helpful to you. Talk to the quiet people if you can...often they will share your opinions and just don't want to rock the boat. You can always meet with them outside of the group, or even start your own.

Don't give up. There ARE genuinely helpful people out there...folks who remember how hard it is pre-transition. Stick to your guns and talk to everyone you can, I guarantee you that there are others who share your opinions and are willing to help or at least listen.

I was lucky. My very first support group meeting had a huge variety of folks, and everybody was cool. One guy even gave us first-timers his business card if we ever needed to talk.

If you need to, think of it like this....there are a finite number of haters in the world...for every one you meet, that's one out of the way. The more haters you meet, the more awesome folks there are waiting in your future.

Good luck to you!

Haters make you famous.
There will sadly always be people there to put you down, but likewise there are plenty more out there to support you.
I have also noticed some hostility within the community, but it was always my theory that those people were only hostile because of their own insecurities. I was once accused of being a "poser" because this person did not think that I was trans, but just someone who was confused or pretending to be trans so I could find a place for a sense of "community". I didn't let it bother me. I knew that the only reason they were being accusatory was because I didn't fit their mold of what it was to be transgendered.

Hi Simone,

Sorry about your yukky experiences. I have to admit the TG clubs/societies  where I am (Adelaide, South Australia) are not like that at all, we would welcome you with open arms.

My darling wife is in a chair and I know from very first hand experience how that alone alters peoples perceptions. The invisibility factor and the ignore them because they are different factor run high. To be in a chair and to be TG and coping with it, with the total negatives you have had suggests a  lot about your character. You are a very determined woman, you deserve and need help. And guess what? You've found Susan's and we try to help.

The idea that there is some strange sexuality in TG people is just blatant ignorant and stupid.  I have brothers on this site who like girls, I have brothers who like guys. I have sisters who like girls and I have sisters who like guys. And there are plenty who like both. Anything strange in this ? NO It's called being a human being. Anyone who judges another person on there sexuality is a fool; particularly if they 'profess' to be TG, as in your experiences.

The other problem with people when you are in a chair is that you are immediately asexual and agendered. Sadly many total bodily functional people, have an attitude that anyone with any disability doesn't feel, emotion, has no right to a happy normal life, "poor dears how do they cope."  They are of course wrong (I'll be mild ). You have totally the same rights to every emotion and feeling as anyone.


OK how do we get you moving forward?

Where are you? Cindy cries from South Australia, hoping you say Adealide, as has happened BTW 'cos I'll be with support groups to you quickly.

What do you need in way of support?

What advice etc do you need?

Oh BTW

Hi and welcome,

I'm Cindy

You had a string of terrible luck, I'm so sorry

However you have finally found a helpful community, and I can guarantee you they are the rule not the exception. Please don't let a few bad experiences get you down, there's so much more good in the world.

Sorry you had such a hard time.

What can I say?  Everybody here has given you such great answers!  Forget about those nasty people, hon.  They're everywhere.  Always have been.  Always will be.  That's so sad, but it's also true. 

The good news is that there ARE decent folks out there too ... lots of them actually.  You just have to look for them often times.  Keep on keeping on.  Welcome to Susan's Place.  You are welcome here.  You are among friends here.  After what you've been through, that may sound hard to believe, but give us a chance.   Try to dwell on the positive.   

I have to be in a wheel chair about 1/3 of the time. I have found that when I am walking around people stare and glare at the ->-bleeped-<-. But when I am in the wheelchair I get that oh you poor thing look. They might not give me that look that disaproves, they give me that look that indicates that they pity. That sucks worse than being obviouisly trans in a hick town walmart.
So my take is that if you have been able to weather being disabled transitioning should be a cake walk.

And as for haters, screw 'em. Just leave them behind. (or take my favorite tactic and argue and become confrontational. One of the few male traits of mine I actually enjoy and intend on keeping.)

I've my fair share of people who don't believe I'm transgendered (or have told me I can't be transgendered), but I try not to let it bother me because I've met loads more that believe me and are very friendly.  I just stick to talking to the people who are nice and worth my time instead of the people who want to constantly put me down.

I've been in a wheelchair quite a few times, and (according to an old neurologist) I'll be back in the wheelchair for good by the time I'm 30 and I can't imagine how I'd like it because I'm hoping to be partially transitioned by then.  I commend you on having a good head on your shoulders and you sound really strong despite what life has dealt you.  Ignore those people who think you're "attention seeking" because of the wheelchair and being trans and focus on looking for groups online and off that seem more open (if you want).

Keep on trucking and I hope everything goes well for you! 

I hope you enjoy Susan's, this is a pretty awesome site and everyone is very nice!

Hi ,
Yes i would have to agree there are some with in the trans community that have a chip on thier shoulder,
    I have a very good friend who was basicly told we dont wont you here ,because you are not like us ,ooops ,  this is a city where we lived some years ago. & i had seen some things go on that say to me , time i moved out my self.
you are right about how you dress , that happened to me as well.
any way thats over,

we have a good group here & even tho im on a lot of other forums what i find is we have a good number of us who are so different to each other yet we can talk , ask , & get advise with out,oh your different  & what would i have in common with you .
 
This  is what makes it different because of our differences we get on so well. we have our nitchs or those we get to know so hope you like it here  & wellcome ,.

...noeleena...