Before I list why in reference to the topic, a little (okay, alot of) background:
I am a MTF. I have always known this. I have pictures of me when I was 4 with Ms. Potato Head earrings on posing like a girl. However I have kept it suppressed, as I have known that it is improper for a person in a male body to act like a female. A few things stuck in my head since childhood in regard to that, such as me being ashamed to even admit that a female can be around me ("I want to be a firefighter, not a police officer. Women can be a cop!" then everybody laughs happily). I also remember how everybody looked down at me if I were to act feminine in any way ("Don't walk like that, you look like a girl!" - "Why are you watching that Barbie commercial"). However, as a kid, I had many interests pertaining to being a girl, such as enjoying playing house, hanging out with girls (even though I was ashamed to be caught with them), and generally having a non-competitive spirit. I'm sure we have all been there, I can go on and on, but to save time and space, I wont.
Okay, skip to puberty, and one major event in particular. When I was roughly 15, my mother caught me going to LGBT sites. I've had no father since I was 3, so he is a non-factor. Anyways, she caught me, and to say the least, she was upset. She asked me if I was gay, which I admitted to (I did not admit to being TS / TG, I figured that would cause a much more major firestorm). Furthermore, she more or less disowned me as best as she could. She didn't talk to me, told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore, and basically only fed me because she was required to by law. She insisted that this was just a phase and I'd get over it.
Well, as time passed, it came closer to Christmas and I think she found a note that I was more or less contemplating suicide, and had it not been for having friends (who did not know anything), I would have probably run out in traffic and taken my own life. On December 22nd of that year, I was visibly distraught, and she asked me what was wrong (Her exact words were "What's wrong?") and I broke down in tears, and she held me. We never spoke of the issue again, and as time passed, I fear she thinks I have "grown out of this phase".
Okay, normal suppression of myself continued until I lost a job in 2005. That's when I started going back into chatrooms and wanting to go on HRT. I told myself "When I get a job, I'm going on HRT". However, when I got a job, I felt it would just be easier to re-suppress it, as my old "Nobody will be accepting" logic started kicking back in.
Now I am at today, a 27 year old that knows what she is. I have a job I like (telecom technician), plenty of customers spread out all over the city (a city with roughly 400k in the metro area), one hell of a great boss, and an otherwise relatively calm (yet secluded) life. This coming Tuesday, I have my first visit with a therapist. I regret not transitioning earlier when I felt the need to, but I am also scared to death now.
You see, with all the wonderful stories of how people make it, there are the stories of those that did not, or that did and tell all the heartache associated with transitioning, acceptance (from others and acceptance of the plight in general), finances.. the list goes on and on. I fear transsexualism is the hardest thing in the world to go through. I read one "book" online, and if anybody here has read it, the general theme is "stealth is an illusion" (those that read it probably know what I'm talking about). It has seriously shaken my comfort zone with transitioning, even though I know it is something I must at least try, because I know my TSism will be me forever.
There it is, now I am at the same fork of the road in my life that more than likely merges back to the same path with the same fork in front should I go the direction of delay. I am actually taking the step this time, but I am scared to death. With GID, I will never have that normal life of a female, or the "normal" life I have as a male. I love and appreciate security, it is a feminine characteristic. Risk is not something I like to take. I know I have no choice but to take this plunge.
My fears? Well my life has been filled with reasons why men should not be females. I don't worry too much about passing (I will probably / hopefully be 28 when I start HRT, I am 5'5", my shoulder width is 16.5", chest @ 36" hand length is pretty much female at 7"), it is acceptance of my transition and destruction of a stable life. I have built up quite a reputation and my customers generally love me. However I plan to transition while working, and not telling my boss unless it starts effecting my work in a negative light (which I know will happen, I live in a very religious / conservative area). Me and my mother own a business together (that does absolutely nothing as far as income), I know she can't get rid of me, but I also do not want to go through THAT again, which I undoubtably will face. Then, of course the risks of being clocked in stealth. Some guy somewhere asks me to dance. Do I tell him then? Do I tell him when he tries to kiss me? When I tell him early, he tells everybody and my stealth is blown forever. When I tell him after being seen dancing with him, he is embarassed and wants to kill me. A very tricky life we are destined to lead, for sure, and for that, I am scared to death.
I guess what I would like is some views on those that have been there, done that. Some reality based comments, not JUST roses and euphoria, not just dismal prospects of the life - some good, hard grounded reality and a place to at least find security. Advice, life lessons, etc in dealing with this would be fantastic for me.
And if you actually read all this, thank you. You have more patience than me
Also, how the frick do you get the msg window to stop moving to the middle? IT IS FRUSTRATING!!! I have to type in word and copy / paste, lol!
