I hate it so very much. One minute I'm just walking along and then suddenly it's like Navi springs out, "HEY! Listen!" You can't really ignore it most of the time. And when you do listen it's pleasurable, but it's never enjoyable. And when you're done, you just want to put it all away and try so very hard to forget about it.
Excitement, pleasure, release and disinterest. And sometimes it's not even done with you. You're still disinterested, but it wants more, so you have no choice but to go another round. Frustration, release, anger. It's still not done, it won't stop until it breaks you. Frustration, pain, anger, boredom, frustration, release. Drowsy, dysphoric, sleep.
And what's most embarrassing is the rare walk-ins. My dad just stands there like an idiot for a good thirty seconds, staring at the floor the whole time, "I'm not sure I remember what I was going to say", then he finally figures it out and starts up a conversation. And I wish I had something to distract me every time Navi wants my attention, because then it just goes away.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have the wrong parts and the dysphoria associated with it. All the energy is centralized in just one place, and it just happens to be the part of me I hate most.
A life such is this can only prove the non-existence of an omnipotent, omniscient, loving creator, or simply that this supposed creator has a cruel and twisted humor.
My heart hurts now. I wish one of these therapists would email me back, I hate talking on the phone.
