I'm not sure why, but now that I have transitioned at a much quicker pace recently, I have been having concerns. I basically put transition off for 4 years because I was living at home and in university full time. During this time, all I could really think about was transition and how excited I was.

Now, however, I am living part time, and ironically not as enthused as I should be. I look at myself in girl mode, and feel like I will never really be accepted as a 'girl' except by a few very close friends. I am quite tall, my voice probably isn't as good as it could be, and hormones haven't at much effect on me so far (started them in March).

Because of these insecurities, I feel like I shouldn't bother sometimes. Isn't transition supposed to INCREASE my confidence, and make me feel better about myself?

I was so relieved when I started hormones, t-blockers, and moved out, and when I buy female things. But clearly, they don't seem to be 'helping' too much. Do I just need to transition further? Has anyone felt this way before?

Thank you!

Ah. The old self doubt demons.

The question is, not will other accept you? Like everyone in this world some will some won't. Passing as a woman takes practice.

Practice with your attitudes, your appearance, your manner. All of these will boost your confidence.

The question is, will you accept yourself?

I started HRT in.... April? So I feel the in-between awkwardness quite well.

Being part time was killing me with insecurities, *some* of which dropped away when I came out to the last of the big groups of people from whom I had been concealing my status.

When I get ready for work, I put my makeup on, get dressed... and see so much of... him.... Yeah, there are moments that don't feel fantastic.

And I have to hear my voice all day at the office... that deep, booming voice. I soften it a bit as I'm able, because I simply can't sound classically female on anything like a consistent basis ***yet***.

I do not pass as a woman. But I present Sydney.

Over time you start to notice things changing. People around the office found his situation entertaining. But once I went full time, people immediately started treating her differently. I am well on the way to being accepted as a woman, as Sydney, as me. Even though I can still see him fading into the shadows.

I'm sorry that you feel like this at the moment.. it's a horrible feeling. Probably everybody who transitions has been there at some point (or lots of times).

It sounds like you've gone from looking at pictures of the mountain to actually climbing it. We talk a lot about the 'big' problems, such as being rejected by close family, losing your job or getting attacked in the street. But presenting as your target gender without passing is also a constant stream of 'little' problems and anxieties - the electrolysis days, bathroom issues, changing rooms in shops, people who refuse to gender you correctly, etc. There's an extra layer of anxiety when you go to a new hairdresser or somebody invites you to go out for a drink with their other friends that you haven't met before. Everything is suddenly more complicated and even seemingly trivial little things take so much effort, and it's very easy to become exhausted (as you sound).

Just try to keep in mind that transitioning is a journey and you're on your way to somewhere better. The way that you look right now is an approximation that you're gradually refining. It would be great to suddenly go from looking male to looking completely female, but the vast majority of us need this intermediate stage to get there. Although it may feel like you will never be accepted, of the 3 things that you list your height is the only one that will not change (significantly). The other 2 will happen over time (and with practice in the case of your voice). Transitioning is a heavy burden but hang on in there and make sure that you take care of yourself when things are tough like this. 

Quote from: SydneyTinker on July 27, 2010, 07:05:48 PM
I started HRT in.... April? So I feel the in-between awkwardness quite well.

Being part time was killing me with insecurities, *some* of which dropped away when I came out to the last of the big groups of people from whom I had been concealing my status.

When I get ready for work, I put my makeup on, get dressed... and see so much of... him.... Yeah, there are moments that don't feel fantastic.

And I have to hear my voice all day at the office... that deep, booming voice. I soften it a bit as I'm able, because I simply can't sound classically female on anything like a consistent basis ***yet***.

I do not pass as a woman. But I present Sydney.

Over time you start to notice things changing. People around the office found his situation entertaining. But once I went full time, people immediately started treating her differently. I am well on the way to being accepted as a woman, as Sydney, as me. Even though I can still see him fading into the shadows.

Wow, that must be hard, I don't think I could do/handle that. I guess I'm just too worried about what people will think of me.

But overall, you say that going full time is better than part time, in terms of how people treat you? Why did ppl start treating you differently when you went full time?I like part time because if something bad does happen I can just revert back for a while, but that is not good for transition I guess.

Chrissi

Quote from: Icephoenyx on July 29, 2010, 10:24:41 PMWow, that must be hard, I don't think I could do/handle that. I guess I'm just too worried about what people will think of me.

But overall, you say that going full time is better than part time, in terms of how people treat you? Why did ppl start treating you differently when you went full time?I like part time because if something bad does happen I can just revert back for a while, but that is not good for transition I guess.

Part time is exhausting. You've got to keep your stories straight (good luck managing 100% on that), eat the expenses of two lives, wait for hours or more before you can put your real face on while enduring whatever crap life throws at you, and bear the weight of the mask....

I was worried about what people would think of me. But now that I'm all Sydney all the time, I've come to a realization: By not being me in the first place, people had no chance at all to think well of me. All they knew was him, and that something about him didn't add up.

Now I go out every morning as Sydney. Some of the women at the office know I'm insecure bordering on terrified about failing at everything from makeup to life itself. And they want better than that for me.

When I went full-time, they got to see the raw me, vulnerable but damn well willing to get up, put my face on, and just do it.

When people like me now, I know they have to like me for me. People know I had to give up a lot for this, and they give a little respect for it.

Yes, it's hard. But skydiving is hard, too, until the moment you exit the plane.

But if you are having the anxiety that I am having with going out as a girl part time, wouldn't full time just cause even more opportunity for that stress?

I'm still a little weary of this whole tranistion thing, I really don't think it has made me feel better about myself yet...

Chrissi

Quote from: Icephoenyx on August 01, 2010, 09:46:52 AM
But if you are having the anxiety that I am having with going out as a girl part time, wouldn't full time just cause even more opportunity for that stress?

Yes and no. In my experience, the "two lives" thing was killing me. Regular transition stress was less like that.

QuoteI'm still a little weary of this whole tranistion thing, I really don't think it has made me feel better about myself yet...

That's one we all have to slog through on our own. It gets better, then worse, then better, but it's the nature of the beast for the first few years from what I can tell.

     I too feel, at times as you do.   I have doubts about everything.  But I am also scared of when I open up Pandora's Box and see what is in store for me as a female.  Can I ever accept my choice.  Can my family accept me.  Can I survive it all.  I hear too many "horror" stories of rejection and depression.  No wonder we (the TG community) has such a high suicide rate.  Its enough to scare me back into the closet.


"Having your blanket in the wash is like finding out your psychiatrist is gone for the weekend!"

The in-between stage sucks. There's just no other way around it. I felt more nervous and shy around people than I ever had because I didn't know whether they were seeing a male or female. I think it's normal to lack some confidence around others when you don't know how you look to other people.

You're in a state of transition not unlike kids going through puberty. There will be growing pains as you struggle to find your place as a woman. But as you look back on it, transition, like puberty, really is a magical time of discovery that is over way too soon. You'll be on the other side of the tunnel before you know it. So try to enjoy this time for what it is. Recognize that you have a right to feel everything you're feeling, including discouragement. And just keep going.

I totally agree.  Being in between just sucks.  There are times when your confidence is shot to hell and times when you wonder what you are possibly doing, screwing up things this way.  And there are the inevitable disappointments that come when we know that there are some things about our genetic gender that will be enormously hard to overcome.  And then there comes the realization that transition will not solve all of our problems and will, in fact, multiply some of them.  Add to that the certainty that you could never stop, even if you wanted to.  Yep, this can be a very tough road.  But it does not have to be lonely.  I hope you have a good therapist and freinds.  Glad to see you reaching out to your online family.

I have often wondered if there was a half way house. Not just for GID/TG/TS issues but for all major commitments; I found out there are none. Just support and help; mentoring and love.

I have a mantra. Walk slowly, have your head held high, never look back. Smile. I am.

Works for me mostly.

Our lives and our decisions are are responsibility. Look forward to them.

Cindy

Quote from: Icephoenyx on July 27, 2010, 05:02:08 PM
Because of these insecurities, I feel like I shouldn't bother sometimes. Isn't transition supposed to INCREASE my confidence, and make me feel better about myself?

I was so relieved when I started hormones, t-blockers, and moved out, and when I buy female things. But clearly, they don't seem to be 'helping' too much. Do I just need to transition further? Has anyone felt this way before?

Thank you!

You know, I know how you feel when it seems as though outward appearance is not acting as the magic ticket. When you feel like you were born into the "wrong" body or that your body currently isn't what you want it to be AND on top of all of that you're dealing with awkward stuff and just society in general, it can be a bit overwhelming. I'll tell you from experience though that one of my own personal, "keys to enlightenment" as I call it, was accepting the FACT that my brain knows what's up. I haven't reached my own body nirvana yet but I also realized along the way that I may very well be perfect just as I am. When I started to ditch that notion that I needed to fit into everyone else's box to have a good life I started to feel immediately better. I started to gain confidence in the REAL me - the me that exists whether people choose to see that me or not.

In the same light, you are YOU. You're a female. Do the things that make you feel better, like going out and buying female things or whatever it is. As some others have said, it could be an awkward phase because of the hormones and stuff, but the sooner you accept the fact that you are female, whether your body "matches" yet or not, I think it may help like it helped me in my situation. Believe me, I've been so depressed at points in my past that I had tried to kill myself. So if I could get from there to the point I'm at now, then I believe anyone can do it and reach their own personal goals of having a good life and feeling good about themselves

Quote from: Nero on August 01, 2010, 07:39:57 PM
The in-between stage sucks. There's just no other way around it. I felt more nervous and shy around people than I ever had because I didn't know whether they were seeing a male or female. I think it's normal to lack some confidence around others when you don't know how you look to other people.

You're in a state of transition not unlike kids going through puberty. There will be growing pains as you struggle to find your place as a woman. But as you look back on it, transition, like puberty, really is a magical time of discovery that is over way too soon. You'll be on the other side of the tunnel before you know it. So try to enjoy this time for what it is. Recognize that you have a right to feel everything you're feeling, including discouragement. And just keep going.

Nero speaks the plain truth.  This is wisdom.  I'm in that in-between stage myself and have my moments, just like you.  We all do.

One last thing:  You really have NOT been on hormone replacement therapy very long.  Remember, a genetic female takes several years to blossom into womanhood.  You realistically cannot expect to do it in a few months.  These things take time.  I thought it wasn't happening for me either and that hormone replacement therapy was not doing much.  Lately, I realize that it truly has.  Patience, oh young one, patience. 

Try to dwell on the good in your life, on the possibilities in your life, on future good things once you transition.  We become what we think about all day long, really.  Think about good things whenever you can.  It makes a difference.  Try it and see.  Takes some practice, but it's worth it. 

Good luck!   

Quote from: LaceyLynne on August 10, 2010, 12:55:10 AM
One last thing:  You really have NOT been on hormone replacement therapy very long.  Remember, a genetic female takes several years to blossom into womanhood.  You realistically cannot expect to do it in a few months.  These things take time.  I thought it wasn't happening for me either and that hormone replacement therapy was not doing much.  Lately, I realize that it truly has.  Patience, oh young one, patience. 

Lacey has a good point

Now I havn't even been to a psych yet, but I do know it takes some people up to a couple years before HRT can be appreciated. Perhaps you may be doing too much too fast? My plan (IDK if it's a good one or not..) is to enjoy the subtle things first. By now, your skin tone may be changing, or becoming softer. Also, your breasts may be starting to bud. Most importantly, however (IMO) is to have some self perspective. Has your mood / outlook on life changed any? HRT does alter the mind in some ways, and there are people that have said (even on these forums) that it relieves stress and mellows them out (probably when they AREN'T thinking "I WILL NEVER PASS!!"  ).


Maybe by worrying less about passing after only 4-5 months, and instead enjoying the changes that comes from transitioning (don't forget to get laser and practice that voice!), you'll feel better. But most importantly, don't ignore your mind. Your mind is WHY you are doing this. You really should feel feminine there with zero regard of your outer appearance (moreso now that you are on HRT). Embrace that the most! If you don't, then everything you are doing is a waste, I would think...

cheeses