Hello everybody

it's so good to be here. When I was reading some of your postings I kept shaking my head and laughed in disbelief. You have no idea how your words made me feel like I'm not a freak. It's so good to have found you people.

But let me start at the beginning. I'm a 26 year old biological woman, married, no children.
I never really identified with being a woman. I tried and failed. But I never understood what was wrong. It was very recently I had the guts to be honest to myself.

A few years ago I found transgender websites on the net. I had never really heard about this besides knowing that it somehow exists. When I was on those websites I felt very very weird. I closed the pages again and felt like ->-bleeped-<- for the next days.
The "don't go there"-advice I gave myself worked. It worked so good, I had no idea what was bugging me. Ever since I've been a little touchy on the subject. The only feelings I remembered, when thinking of trangender people was admiration for their courage. Then I felt something like envy and huge fear. I didn't undertand a thing.
I got drunk, I cried, I honestly didn't know what caused this. I felt so, so bad.

Since my life was otherwise very good and happy, I managed to "not go there" and headed for denial. Oh, I'm so good at this.
The only times I thought of the topic was when I got drunk. Which I definitely got too often.
Sometime I thought "->-bleeped-<-, was is wrong with you?", but there was no way I could face this. Not knowing who I am has been with me all my life. It was normal to me.
Being heavily in doubt about my sexual orientation and my gender and my identity has been with me ever since I was 16.

Very recently I was so down again, it seems something comes up every now and then and bugs me.
I looked transgender pages up again. For the first time since I found them years ago. And I thought "man, what are you doing, what are you doing?" but I knew of course I was heading _there_.
When I read the pages I started crying, still not getting it, still not going as far as being honest to myself.
Later that time I somehow started to relax. I took my time looking in the mirror and facing my long denied wishes of having a male body. I started to cry again, since all a I thought was "I can never ever have this. I can't do this. No way."

At that point I have two options. Denial, again, just to keep the pain away. Or I could just face it. And somehow then I was comfortable thinking "I think I'm a man. Inside."
After I got so far, I sat around sort of horrified. The consequences that came with this were no nice thoughts.

And here I am. Nobody knows, except a friend on the net. Extremly insecure about this and scared like you (maybe) can imagine. I need to get this figured out. Also I looked around for therapy, since I think I could use some help.

Taking this with a sense of humor is not working that good, but I try. My friend laughed and said "Yeah, so what? It happens." I think she is right. There is nothing to it. It is good. It is way healthier than living a lie.

Now I have a lot to read up on, a lot to learn, and more to think about. This feels so crazy in a good way. I am a man. I am a man. I could just burst out in tears again. It feels so incredible to be able to say that aloud. To myself, that is.
Thanks for your patience reading this.
What is there left to say? I'm 5'2 and 128lbs. I love countrymusic and have a thing for nature, especially woods. I am an openminded christian and rather a homebody.
Yeah. Questions?

Hi Kev,

Welcome to our little family. Over 5400 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Hey Kev,

Welcome to the club. I really enjoyed reading your intro - I think you have a really calm, soothing way of wording your thoughts and feelings. These are the kind of posts that give me better insight on how 'that realisation' manifests itself, so thank-you.

Otherwise I can tell you only this; yup you're in for an interesting and long trip with an emotional rollercoaster that makes menopause seem a breeze. Nevertheless, I think you've come to the right place: there's people here who can help you along, give you advice and give you that important realisation: 'No, you're not alone.'

Best of luck with everything, and never forget: there's never any rush.
See you around the boards.

Welcome to the forum Kev, you sound like a pretty cool guy Living a lie is so painful and I'm sorry you had to go through that for so long but I'm glad you've decided against doing so anymore. Good luck with your learning and thinking, joining this forum was a great place to start

Yesterday I came out to a real person, face to face. It was a totally different thing then telling a net friend. She is a long time friend of mine, and it was incredibly hard. I almost chickened out. Then, when I started talking, I started to cry like a baby. I hadn't expected that.
Up to this point I had no idea how much it bothered me. And how scared I was.
And how determined, which scared me the most.

She took it real good. Since she is in charge for LGBT-matters in her college, I just thought she would. She said it explained why I got so emotional about Buck Angel once. *rolleyes*
Then we talked about where things could lead, and what I wish for. We tried to figure out if it tends to be only a wish to crossdress or if it goes beyond this. Time will tell.

Today I'm going to tell my best friend, since she knows there's something that bothers me, and she's being a real pain, wanting to know. I hope I can do without crying this time, cause I felt real stupid and weak yesterday.

So much for the update. :-)

Hi Kev, and welcome.

I can relate to a lot of what you say here - you're in a very similar place to where I was about 4 years ago. After many years of denying it even from myself, I finally accepted that I'm a man inside, and while it was scary, it was also a huge relief.

Good luck with the coming-out process. 

Hey, welcome to Susans.

Kev:

Man, I REALLY enjoyed reading your story.  You write very well.  You are truly intelligent.  You are quite perceptive.  Though you are a transguy, and I'm a transgal, you'd be amazed how much our stories have in common and how much we have in common.

My whole point is just this:

First, you've got true blue, honest to goodness, bona fide gender dysphoria.  You belong here.  Second, you've found what many of us consider THE BEST transresource on the entire Internet, Susan's Place.  Third, you'll find acceptance here.  Fourth, you'll find accurate information here and plenty of it.  Fifth, you are totally among friends among us. 

Settle in.  Get relaxed.  Enjoy it.  Read.  Comment.  Chat.  It's all up to you.  No pressure.  Proceed in your own way and at your own pace here at Susan's Place.  Just remember one thing:  We're here for you.  We'll respect you.  We'll accept you.  

Here's a suggestion for you, Kev.  You don't have to do this, man.  However, reading this book might do you world's of good.  It's widely hailed and accepted as about the best all-around book out there on the topic of transsexuality.  If you can spare about $13, you just might want to order it.  Here's the link.  It's a hotlink, so just click on it and it will take you right to where you can check out the reviews and description of the book and order it if you want to.  Worth looking at, man.  Here you go:

http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1281414651&sr=1-1-spell

Whatever you decide, good luck!  Don't be a stranger.  Drop by here whenever you feel like it.  You'll find that we are NOT freaks, and neither are YOU.   Good luck, dude!


   Lacey Lynne

Welcome aboard darl.
I can recommend 'True Selves' too, best $32 Oz I ever spent.
You have got a good name too,  Kev is real "blokey", nearly as good as 'Dave or 'Bruce'.

All the best, Sandy.

Thank you very much, LaceyLynne and justmeinoz 
*browses amazon*
I've only been a week here, but I allready feel very much at home. And allready addicted to the forum, boooy. 

Hi Kev,

Welcome! Here at Susan's you'll always feel at home.. I know I do.. I've only recently accepted my self for who I really am and have only come out to 3 people, one of them my mum, so we are both in a similar pot in our journey. Swing past the chat rooms and say hello - nobody bites there either..

Hugs,
Kelly