Hi everyone, I've lurked for a bit and now decided to get an account and start posting.
I live in Sweden. Sorry if my English is sorta weird sometimes.
I was born with a female body (more about this below).
I'm pretty much a big ol' nerd; I like Invader Zim, the tabletop rpg Traveller, the film Moon, the band Bauhaus, etc.
I've also got Asperger's Syndrome, I've been diagnosed in March this year.
I have a biologically female body. When I was a kid, I was pretty much a tomboy. I've spent most of my time around boys and I feel more comfortable when hanging out with boys than girls. I used to climb trees, pretend to be a knight, play video games, and such things. I kind of disliked having to dress in pink and "girly" clothes, mostly because they got broken easier and were usually less practical. I remember walking over to the section of the clothes store that had Spiderman and Star Wars T-shirts, and my mother telling me that I wasn't allowed there because that was the boys' section.
When puberty hit, when I was about 12, I was horrified. I felt like my body had betrayed me, and prayed every day for it to return to normal again. I didn't want a large rear, I didn't want a visible waist, and I certainly didn't want those ugly, disgusting lumps of flesh that were suddenly growing out of my chest. It felt kind of like someone was doing stuff to my body when I was sleeping, without my consent. Changes I didn't want, changes I absolutely loathed.
Even though I might have needed it, I refused to wear bras. My (female) classmates used to stare at me in the changing room, wondering why I didn't shave my legs or wear a bra or makeup or do any other "normal girl" things. I never talked about boys (though I had a fake answer in case someone asked me which male celebrity I found hot: Johnny Depp), I talked with boys instead. I never wore makeup and didn't really care a lot about how I looked. I'm attracted to girls, and I've come out at school as a lesbian (though the label doesn't really fit as I'm not sure if I'm a girl or not).
I have to "mentally photoshop" my reflection in the mirror, because I feel that the person I see in the mirror isn't really me. It's kind of like someone put my face on top of a different body. I usually dress to take away attention from my "womanly curves", a pair of jeans, a oversized T-shirt and a large, baggy hoodie.
At the school prom (I have just left middle school/junior high, using American terms. I am highly unfamiliar with the British terms for school), I wore an elaborate dress, with a hoop skirt, a corset, and such things. My mother helped me do makeup, and I felt really pretty. However, it didn't feel right to wear that at the party. It felt like I was wearing a costume, like I was hiding something. Like a drag queen. I've worn dresses before, at my best friend's birthday party and at costume parties. I felt sort of uncomfortable doing it for my best friend's birthday party, and it wasn't very uncomfortable to do it at the costume party, but that maybe was because everyone was in costume.
I'm not sure what kind of trans I am, or even if I am trans at all, but I don't really feel comfortable being a girl, when people call me a girl, or wearing stuff that's girly. Some days, however, I feel pretty when I "go in drag" (skirts, dresses, blouses), but it feels like drag and not my "actual" clothes.
Mmyep, that was a dreadfully long text about me.
See you all later!
