Where to start.... Well my name is Christian.  Everyday is a battle... Living in north west Georgia USA, (redneck territory) where brimstone and hellfire is more real to the ones that hate rather than love. Its purely unacceptable for any one to be trans in this area. Ive been known to be a fighter. I was raised that gays, lesbian, and transsexual people are damned to hell... Even at one point in my life i was preaching out using that same putrid hate rather than love.... I'm making an introduction to this forum as a male who is in a very confusing place in his life.
     I hate to be letting this all out, as I'm a very shy guy and even feel like it is selfish of me to reach out. Ever since I could remember, i have always wanted to be a girl. I used to hang out with all the girls in my neighborhood when I was a kid. I even became disgusted whenever I looked into the mirror. Even as I was raised, i would mask the inner woman inside of me. I would always feel hurt when I did mask her. Thinking it would go away, I tried living like everyone else. Than during middle school puberty happens.... I was in for a shocker. While the girls flourished into beautiful master pieces of art, I was left praying to God himself that maybe I would grow in that direction. I even wished that dreaded thing attached to my body would fall off.
     After months of praying and sobbing my eyes out, I began to cross dress. I always have felt a little relief when i did but it would always turn to disgust after seeing my face in the mirror. As time went by, I would still cross dress and fantasize about how wonderful it would be to become a beautiful woman. I went through high school hardly dating anyone.
     Fast forward to present day. I'm 20 years old now, I still live in Cartersville, Ga (geez... what a name...) and work as a manager at a very successful Mexican restaurant that my mother owns. I'm dating a very nice girl and have become engaged out of stupidity. And that feeling... well... it never went away. If any thing it keeps getting stronger. Its to the point where I can no longer fight the want and need to be of the opposite gender. Its as if my life is built on a house of cards. I'm not suicidal, just very tired of fighting against the truth of who i am on the inside.
     My parents are divorced and have been since i was 15. I have spoken to both of them and my mom feels like I need to be cured of these thoughts. I have already explained to her that they cannot simply be cured. If I had warred with my self for 20 years I highly doubt that a person is going to take the very person that I am on the inside away with a few therapy sessions. My father was more accepting. As he believes that people are their own worst enemy, and the only way to stop the fighting inside is to accept who we are. He also mentioned some promising stuff about where he lives. He lives in Singapore, and he says that there's a lot of MtF woman over there.
     The only problem left is my Fiance... It keeps killing me how I know I'm dating her because she is everything I wanted to look like, she feels more like a friend that i hold dear, than anything else to me. Do I wait to tell her or do I just wait to let her know who I am? She would crumble if i told her... Her father might shoot me for all I know lol. Even worse, it would be more dangerous for a Trans to live in this town with all the crazy rednecks with shotguns and pistols running around. I personally wanted to apologize for my actions to someone and to everyone about preaching against the very people that I will now come to for help. It was 3 years since I last preached. I'm not atheist now, just a very eye opened Christian now. I will be seeing a psychologist in Atlanta, Ga tomorrow for the first time in my life. Well I guess I'm done ranting to everyone about how crazy scared and confused I am and I'm proud if anyone could make it this far lol. Btw, is there any where good in Georgia for me to go get help? I keep looking online but everything is outdated.

Hi Christian,

Welcome to our little family. Over 5500 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  

Yes I said 'sister'.  It is good that you are seeing a therapist, hopefully they will help you to make the right choices.  I can not, nor will I advise you on what to do about the girlfriend.  But if you are not afraid to lose everything, don't transition.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Welcome to the site. I hope you like our comfy chairs...

Welcome to Susan's. We have another member who lives in Georgia and is MTF. Perhaps she can help you out a bit.

I personally think you need to tell your fiance before you get married. It may end the relationship, she may still want it, either way, she deserves to know all of you before entering into a legal contract that affects her life so totally.

Good luck whatever decisions you reach and I hope we hear from you often.

Thank you Janet! I'm to the point of choosing happiness over punishing myself for who I really am. On another note, those comfy chairs are very comfortable! About the girlfriend, i guess its more of a pride issue and fear of being disowned, I plan on letting her know after my first visit to see the psychologist. In my opinion the devil himself hides in fear. So I'm trying my best to overcome. After reading around on the site and doing a lot of diving in, I find it so encouraging around here. Lots of nice people here too!

Welcome! You've found a great refuge full of like minded and some not so like minded people. Make yourself at home.. I think you really need to talk to your fiancée and tell her what's going on.. She may go, she may stay, but she deserves to know..

Welcome to the forum christian 

Quote from: kelly_aus on August 13, 2010, 12:51:13 AM
Welcome! You've found a great refuge full of like minded and some not so like minded people. Make yourself at home.. I think you really need to talk to your fiancée and tell her what's going on.. She may go, she may stay, but she deserves to know..

Yes i understand... It will be hard... I was so hard headed and never listened to my own heart until now. but i will soon. as it is still 1:55 A.M. over here and sleep is still a necessity, i will attempt during the day.

Welcome Christian,

You will find support here if you want it, I am in a similar position in regard to my fiance, though, not quite the same, I love her very much, but, I also feel I need to become the woman I am inside, she has already said in the past that she is not gay/lesbian and we could not be together, So I can understand to some degree where you are coming from.

We are here for you if you want to connect.

Love,

Tali

Welcome aboard ma'am.
I am going to take a moment and sound like a broken record, you need to tell your girlfriend. Be aware that most relationships will not survive transition but some do.
You are still very young and if your dysphoria is already as bad as it is now.......It only gets worse as we age. It doesn't get easier and it doesnt stay at a tolerable level the dysphoria will become cripleing. I was hard headed and waited into my 40's and a serious mental meltdown before I finally came out. Sorry, not trying to rain on your parade but I doubt there are many late in lifers who would disagree with me on this. Figure this out now.

If you transition or find resolution the people here will be more than happy to support you along the way.

Hello there. Sorry miss, I did'nt catch your choosen female name. Do you have one?

Even if she is prepared to stay with you (which would be great of her!) I think you really need someone that you are attracted to. Otherwise you are'nt being fair to them or yourself.

As for where you live... I think you need to get out of there. Go to a bigger city in the state and find a new job while making sure that you visit friends and family back home while you decide what to do.

I think where you are is sufficating, you need to drop everything and get some fresh air.

And since you are lucky with your job since you work where your mother is, i'm sure you could always get it back. You could think of it as a holiday of sorts untill your heads sorted out.

I hope that's helpful. ^^;;; I hope your visits to Alanta go well! <3

I broke the news of how I'm feeling to my fiance. She didn't take it to lightly but she is still around for now. As for my trip to Atlanta, it got postponed until Thursday. Thank you to everyone for being soo supportive! Its nice to know there's a lot of friendly people here! As for a name... I haven't gotten that far yet lol.

Try and spend a few free moments picking a pretty one you really like.

When things start going mental it can be the one thing that keeps you sane. 

If you can't think up one, look up "Girls names" on google. There are tons!

Pick on that you can really identify with, that >is< your female name.

You will know when you find it.

Quote from: CChristian on August 13, 2010, 09:32:08 PM
I broke the news of how I'm feeling to my fiance. She didn't take it to lightly but she is still around for now. As for my trip to Atlanta, it got postponed until Thursday. Thank you to everyone for being soo supportive! Its nice to know there's a lot of friendly people family here! As for a name... I haven't gotten that far yet lol.

There I fixed that one part for ya.

Hi Christian!

   I'm kindof new here, too.... But welcome :-)  I was married for 17 years and had two kids before I came out......  My marriage didn't last but I'm still best friends with my ex-wife.
   There's a whole bunch of folks just like you here.....  Make yourself at home!

Jessica

Well, before i left town today, we had gotten into a fight... She crushed me in the heart. She told me if i ever cross dressed again, she was going to break up with me... Funny thing is, i feel like that might be a bittersweet release for me if she did. That way i dont have to wait on her to start with transitioning.

Quote from: CChristian on August 15, 2010, 07:40:07 PM
Well, before i left town today, we had gotten into a fight... She crushed me in the heart. She told me if i ever cross dressed again, she was going to break up with me... Funny thing is, i feel like that might be a bittersweet release for me if she did. That way i dont have to wait on her to start with transitioning.

I think hat perhaps you should read this a time or two.
It really says alot.

I'm reading a book I bought today at boarders and it's called transitions vol.2 it has nothing to do with ftm or mtf but it runs so well with my situation. It's helping me see a little clearly now. One bold statement I read out of that book is that once change is at your doorstep, there's no stopping it. I feel I'm there now. Maybe getting away is helping me a lot.

I found out that the older you get, the more complicated transitioning gets not easier.   I was born in the 1940s and the female in me woke up in the late 1950s.  It was an impossible time to transition.    I made an emotional deal with myself to deal with it when I got much older, much much older when I had my life more in order and had learned a skill.   I was finally free to let Michelle come out more public as far as dressing in my late 50s when my marriage fell apart but that was children and grand children later.   I am not sure yet if I will ever make the physical changes I desire and while the world outside of me is more accepting than it was when I was younger, life is more emotionally entangled.    All I can say is do what you can and keep yourself safe and be happy.   But remember life becomes more entangled with responsibilities and emotional relationships as time passes.     Also I found that more and more during my married life that the urge to dress female grew stronger and stronger and an with my ex wife's castoffs it became easier to cross dress.   Really think about promising not to cross dress as you may find that it is harder and harder and harder not to break this promise,  when the occasion permits it if you move in and live with your girl friend and her pretty things are all over the place.