I know I haven't posted in quite some time, kind of been dealing with a lot of life issues these past few months.  I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with an issue like the one that I'm dealing with right now.  When I decided to transition last year I jumped in gung ho as it were.  I started to dress on a daily basis and go out in public even though I knew that I looked like a man in women's clothes without a doubt.  Now I have been on HRT for 16 months and I can't bring myself to go out in public.  My family, friends, work, and neighbors all know and it isn't a problem.  But.....for some reason I start shaking uncontrollably when I try to go out in public (even if it's only to an IHOP at 11 at night).  I have absolutely no problem wearing a bra and panties with jeans or shorts, it's just wearing feminine tops and capris, or even make up.  I can't wrap my head around why I'm having this problem but it is worrisome to say the least.

About the only thing that I can think of (and this was suggested by a friend) was that with dealing with my divorce, trying to make ends meet (barely), and the possibility of losing my job (govt contract ending), it might be too much to deal with thus causing me severe anxiety.

I'm at a loss for trying to figure it out.  I see my therapist next week and I'm planning on discussing this with her.

If you had bad experiences when you first came out then that could cause problems now. Take small steps.  Maybe jeans and a top today.  Ad some light makeup tomorrow.  then tey a part of capris another day.

And yes the stressors you are facing will add to your anxiety.

Yes, you should absolutely bring this up with your therapist, as you seem to be describing garden variety panic attacks at a glance.

In the mean time, though, you might consider adding a little more time each day devoted to riding a bike, swimming, etc. to burn off some of the adrenaline, and/or a few minutes just breathing naturally and fully. This sort of thing may help mitigate some of the physical discomfort, at least.

Shawna.

At the risk of repeating others, you do need to work this one out.

Panic attacks happen to the best of us. They are very real.

If it helps, I would really like to give you a big HUG, right now.

Quote from: Shawna Cynthia on August 14, 2010, 11:40:51 PM
About the only thing that I can think of (and this was suggested by a friend) was that with dealing with my divorce, trying to make ends meet (barely), and the possibility of losing my job (govt contract ending), it might be too much to deal with thus causing me severe anxiety.
I'm at a loss for trying to figure it out.  I see my therapist next week and I'm planning on discussing this with her.

all those problems you mention could be making you really worried as after 16 months HRT most TS are delighting in being as feminine as possible.
Presumably you still have male clothes?  and are OK going out in them?
write down everything thats troubling you so you know all the things that need discussing through with the therapist.

yes I do still have t-shirts.  And believe me I do not blend very well at all.  I still love that term (thanks Janet).  My transition has been done in baby steps the whole way through.  I decided to do that from the beginning.  I really do not see that much of a difference in my appearance since starting HRT at least in the face.  I am built like a linebacker, and it's only rarely that I get any maam's or double takes.  Yes there have been a few but not many.

@Janet:  I've been wearing women's jeans for years even before I decided to transition.     For some reason they always just fit better.  And as for bad experiences, aside from my wife there weren't that many.  A couple of giggles behind my back but ok that was to be expected.  It's only been in the last couple of months that this has really been bothering me.

@lilacwoman:  I agree that most of us are very much delighting in being feminine.  I do see it at my support group and with other friends.  Jealousy has reared it's head on a few occasions on seeing how it easy it is for those that can do it quickly.

Again this has only just started in the last couple of months that I've been starting to have the anxiety attacks, mostly in the last 3 weeks or so.  It has been 2 years since my techniques for suppression failed and I do not want to go back to being that person.  I lived for everyone else and denied myself.  I originally sought out my therapist to help me to reestablish the suppression but came to accept it instead.  Now I tend to keep to myself as I don't have the money to go out that much, and the fact that I don't feel as if I have progressed as far as I should have.  Don't know if that makes any sense.