Im stuck in a place somewhere between reality and fiction and I cant seem to get unstuck lol. I've suffered since is was about 13 from...well...I dont know what exactly. I was heavily depressed for ages and at that age puberty hits and its a bitchs so naturally everyone thought I was hormonal. It got to the point where my head was no longer saying "I hate myself" and it started saying "I hate you" and then it grew a voice. A male voice and it called itself David. Now, years later David still hangs about but for some reason he is now called Darren. I'm not sure why. There have been others along the way. There was Jerry who was quite friendly and he had a strong fear of David. For reasons unknown Jerry had no hands. I dont know if that had any significance.  Now its just Darren and my best friend Scott. I feel awkward referring to a being that is invisible or "imagenary" as a best friend. Things haven't necessarily gotton better over the years but things have changed. Old problems have been replaced with new and there never seems to be a perminant escape. Right now it feels like im in a limbo. I cant quite connect with "reality". I try so hard to but I have so much hatred for people. I hate how people are. I hate how I cant be a person. I dont feel I am anymore. I try to make friends but I feel like its hard to connect and I cant quite get on their level. At the same time I keep getting pulled into a "fictional" world. Im chasing the impossible. Im dreaming of worlds and people that I have grown to uncontrollably love. It hurts to be stuck here as it seems that I can never truly exist in either. Darren gives me promises that if I were to end my life I could go this place that I dream of so much. I'm scared that this is all a lie though so I won't ever do anything stupid.  I dont wanna sound like some lunatic and I dont wanna scare people off but i'm alone and I cant find help. I just needed to talk.

Do you think you invented these characters as a way to cope?

I dont feel I did invent them. I feel as if they are just there. They always were there. If I was to somehow invent them though i'm not sure what their purpose could be. I've thought about it a bit but I dont see why I would need them.

Quote from: MRH on August 16, 2010, 08:16:05 PM
I try so hard to but I have so much hatred for people.

Why? Seeing as you are one.

Perhaps you were unable to pick it up from my post but i'm not exactly a huge fan of myself either.

Quote from: MRH on August 16, 2010, 08:39:12 PM
I dont feel I did invent them. I feel as if they are just there. They always were there. If I was to somehow invent them though i'm not sure what their purpose could be. I've thought about it a bit but I dont see why I would need them.

Maybe unknowingly as a way to handle GID. You couldn't be male so someone had to be, or something?

I have acknowledged that but at 13, even though I still felt male, it wasn't a particular issue for me at the time. These "characters" run so much deeper though. I have no many theories about so many different worlds, existances and dimensions that it seems like an extreme way to solve a problem. I find it hard to tell which parts are real or fake. That line has been blurred for some time.
If I was to try and give these people a purpose I would probably say Scott is the guy I wanna be, physically and socially. Darren on the other hand is all about aggression and torment. He's physically and mentally abusive towards me and even attacked my mother once although obviously it was my body but his will. Perhaps Darren is to do with my anger as I feel it is an emotion I never learnt to understand. I was always a very quiet, emotionless child. I hardly expressed anger and I let people walk all over me. Maybe Darren is the encouragement I need to be stronger but I cant see him as all that positive or serving a positive cause if he is such a monster.

Quote from: MRH on August 16, 2010, 08:16:05 PMi'm alone and I cant find help. I just needed to talk.

You're story sounds a lot like me, I had a hard childhood so I spent most of my time in my head imagining a better life. I still do this more that I'd like to admit. For me its just better than living in the real work. I too imagine stories and people, I even got my real life name from people in my dreams that I felt were me. However, I know the difference between reality and fantasy, I can only imagine how hard it would be to "find it hard to tell which parts are real or fake". May I ask if you see a counselor or psychiatrist for this? I can lend you my ear but I doubt I can give you any real help.

Ive attempted seeing specialists but they dont seem to do a great deal. They brand me as "normal" but then again I find its a difficult topic to be open about. I don't want to admit these things in fear of sounding or being branded as "mad". They've probably heard worse but Im scared to really tell them how I feel.

I'm going to message you a couple of sites in the morning or tomorrow afternoon.

Anyway, coming from a completely different viewpoint because of a certain community I can roll with, I wouldn't consider you mad.  It's possible the people are a coping mechanism, along with a few things (I promise to explain more in a PM, I'm not comfortable talking about it out loud here).  To me, they seem more of a way to cope but I can't be certain.  As long as they're not a negative impact on your life, I don't see a problem.  However, if they're negatively impacting you than you need to tell someone.

As Shang says, you are clearly in touch with reality. There are a lot of conflicting and confusing things happening in your life.

In the long term, you will hopefully be able to find ways of dealing with each of these. In the short term, you do need some support, more geared to the specific problems that you are experiencing.

I don't know what the sites Shang is going to direct you to, but follow them and see how they work out.

As for your anger, directed at yourself anf everyone, I'm sure a lot of us can identify with that. But your realisation of these and your general insight demonstrates that you have the capacity to work through this.

Once point I will make though, whatever your try to do, remember to do it because you want to, not becuae you think you need to or should. I'm talking in particular about friends. No everyone can be part of a social group. Some of us just like to be friendly, have a few brief interactions then move on.

Anyway, try Shang's sites. If you don't like them or you don't feel comfortable, post another message here.

Your story from what I read sounds kindly familar to something I saw on a program on tv. Could it be possible that you have sincapfernia grrr sorry I don't know how to spell the word to save my own skin. As hearing of these characters and such.  They treatments for this but on the downside there isn't a cure for the disorder. Some people with the disorder may do better with medication and the like. I'm sorry just trying to help.