So ... I've been feeling like I don't exactly "fit" anywhere lately. I've finally entered a new era in my life where I've got a more positive outlook and acceptance of things and confidence in myself, but something still tugs at me and I can't quite place what it is. I was just wondering if anyone else out there is in the same type of boat or can relate with what they're going through? Let me break it down into the basics:

1. I feel from day one I've been male - even though the body doesn't exactly match
2. I knew from around the teenage years on that I liked both guys and girls
3. Growing up I was very male looking, then my looks became more androgynous as I got older. I can pass for either or and I kinda enjoy that fact and messing with people's heads a little!
4. I still do get bummed a little bit about how my equipment doesn't exactly work like all the other dudes and it never will.
5. I'm not down to do any surgeries for two reasons ... one is I'm a hypochondriac and getting any type of surgery freaks me out terribly and two, refer to point number #4 - the "never will" part.
6. I'm never touching hormones supplements again because results for me were "red flags" that messing with my hormones would just ruin my health
7. I feel like I can relate to so many others' situations
8. I'm actually married, have a great career, a house, a car, a cat (lol) ... we're actually thinking of adopting a kid.

Some would be pretty jealous of the life I've made for myself and like I said I'm happier now than I have been for awhile, but it's not 100%, there's something I still have "left" if that makes any sense. I don't have a strong desire to "transition", like so many others here do (so I feel kinda like I'm rowing my own boat in that respect), mostly because I am ME and in my mind that equals a certain thing. Whether it's really apparent to society as a whole, I'm not sure I even care any more. I guess if I've come this far I'll eventually find whatever that missing piece of the puzzle is.

Oh well, just my 12:54am thoughts.

I kind of feel the same. Like I don't quite fit.
I can relate to 1, 2, 3, 4, 7.

Maybe you're just letting the majority(society) make you feel like something is missing.. Like you're not right in yourself.. Plenty of ppl are okay with just who they are, you don't have to fit perfectly into any one category.

for me whats missing is people who can relate, and have the right kind of relationships with, i love to help people and stuff and write and make people happy (not that i dont need my own me time too), but it feels like its always misunderstood , i wish people would understand and this is gonna sound stupid maybe but idk its what i feel i should respond to, its not about being better than anyone or anything or being really dazzling or even funny, though the dazzling and humor are probably elements cuz who wants to take everything dead serious all the time, its just about things that i really feel, and things i normally think about just naturally that no one else really seems to talk about or can find words to talk about talk about, im sure other people have felt it, its always been my quest to kind of put it into words, maybe this is impossible but i've mananged to do some pretty cool things trying, its just like, i hate to judge people but sometimes it seems like, no one is really on the same page. i am not sure why.. i just have so much joy sometimes, when im 'alone' and i wish i could share that with other people, but its like something always makes that impossible, some people its a lot easier  with.. but i just wish it could go beyond people on a computer or things that i've written i wish i could just live it with someone, no one wants to pretend though, no one wants to have imagination... i love to act things out and stuff.. sometimes i really believe it too, to an extent.. i love to tell stories and that kind of thing... but so far only the fairies have my back, if i do it with other people it just becomes  well i am listening to you i can't add anything i have nothing to say, idk, but i mean i hate being in those situations, i'll start talking about some stuff and either no one listens or suddenly everything stops and all eyes are on me, i'm performing its not a performance in my eyes, it can be fun or beautiful, but its not an act, im just talking or doing stuff, might be random or whatever but its as real as normal life, and a heck of a lot less boring, but after age 13 or so nobody wants to recognize that anymore.. its bizarre sad, isolating

ironically though as unbecoming as it might be, i feel like other people feel like they are better than me, which is annoying,  and then i make music and do art which i feel like im pretty good at, and no one wants to join me... like, its hard finding people who have similar tastes i guess, among those who i know

so in one world its like i suck and can barely make friends, and in the other world im awesome, and i can still barely make friends, or i can.. not like conventional ones... so overall it just sucks, but i like making stuff.. so yeah
thats why im 'crazy' lol
if my friends find this i dont know how its gonna seem, oh well...

but i'll always have Flo so thats one thing... and spirituality, its just hard sometimes in some situations not having friends who are, how you say uh, physical

i'm also kind of a shy person in a way, but in a way not at all


but why does it have to be like that better/worse, i mean no one really says anything but its just like, sometimes you just get that feeling, you can tell.. i dont know i like everyone, it just seems like everyone wants to act so cool and aloof
i dont know if its like this for everyone and its something that i'm not doing or something who knows

maybe i'm reading it wrong, i dont think so though, but its totally possible, i really don't know that many people, its a wierd situation

....


*edit*

yeah i thought about it and i understand it more now... its really not so bad, im more of a loner anyways.. i'd never turn someone away from my table though, nice to see em sometimes.. and i do like to smoke some weed hehe

Quote from: insideontheoutside
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maybe you're not transanything but have other reasons for feeling 'not right in yourself'?

Interesting thoughts, thanks!

@Femboy I feel like a lot of people could relate to the "don't quite fit" thing. Anyone that's "different", by society's narrow standards could probably say that. There are those that are open-minded, but so many aren't for whatever reason. "Different" people may "pass" under the radar but there's often this sense of not belonging just from that.

@aisha Are you talking about imagination? 'Cause I have a pretty elaborate imagination myself. I was an only child and it started way back when I was small. I would make up elaborate stories and scenarios and act them out. That has never stopped for me, I just learned to refine it so people don't think I'm totally crazy LOL. I can walk around in the world but in my head something else is going on. It's kind of fun and I know a lot of people wouldn't understand it but it's no worse than someone thinking about being on some sandy, tropical beach while they're working at their desk job. Same kind of thing. I also don't understand why people can't seem to "get on the same page". Just in general. Like why do people have to discriminate, treat others badly, hate people, etc.? Why do some people seem bent on making other's lives hell? It's the whole, "why can't we just all get along?" question that really has no satisfying answer. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't sway everyone else's mind, I just had to make up my own and live my life in the best way I thought possible. I like helping other people and it really tears me up when I encounter someone who is having a rough time for whatever reason. If I can use my life experiences to help someone else out, I most likely will. I'd love to see your art by the way...

@lilacwoman I totally am one of those people that don't like labels, but I'm realistic enough to know that, by clinical definition I'd be classed as transsexual just for the simple fact that in my mind I know I'm male, but the body doesn't match that 100%. Like I said though, I never really liked to be labeled. I know that it's a relief for some people but I didn't always feel like something was "wrong" with me either. Most of my life I've simply just been myself and whatever that self appears to be to the outside world is whatever it appears to be to the outside world, ya know? It wasn't until I got into my teens, went to a therapist, started getting labeled with one thing or another that it all fell apart for me and I literally forgot who I was for a chunk of years. I could just be still dealing with some fall out of that period, who knows.