My daughters 1st birthday is soon, I won't be there because my stupid ex fiancee took off with her. I don't remember what day it is and it is driving me insane. I go to sleep and my dreams are like living in life, I feel/taste/touch/smell/hear. She's there and my ex is too. We're happy again. I try not to sleep because I don't want to dream but when I dream I don't want to wake up. Then I wake up and I'm just me... me the not quite male but really not female. I'm just the guy who gets ma'amed. I'm the guy that is disappointing my mother although she will never tell me that. I'm the guy that lost his daughter because he wasn't the man his ex fiancee wanted after 5 years. I cry then get angry at myself for crying because I feel less manly. I talk all night to another ex who's heart I broke for my ex fiancee. I ignore and avoid my friends because I can't force myself to talk but I know they don't deserve it. I see a baby and feel like a knife is being stabbed through my heart. I can't find a job because no one wants to hire me so I can't afford a psychiatrist. I'm a wreck... I feel like I'm loosing it and I don't know what to do so I pretend I'm okay when in reality I feel like everything is falling apart...

How awful...

No wonder you feel like you are going crazy, I would feel exactly the same.

Did your ex take her legally or is it something the police should be involved in? About paying for a therapist, do you have insurance that will cover it or are you young enough to be covered under your parents? Maybe there's a therapist in your area that will work on a sliding scale. It sounds like you're going through a rough time, and transition can be difficult. I hope things turn around for you soon.

Nicky, thanks at least I now feel like I'm not going crazy for no reason

Hurtfulspash: It is legally her daughter that I pretty much raised for her. I wasn't the legal father. Apparently she slept with over 12 different men in the 11 months before getting back with me so no clue who the father truly is. But we raised the kid "together" (I got up with her at night, I listened to my ex say she didn't even love her). So I have no legal rights. I don't have insurance because I don't have a job and I can't afford to pay out right for insurance. I quit my job over my manager outing me to everyone about 4 months ago so I lost the insurance. My mom will be adding me in January but can't before then. Even then it will be $200 a month but she said she would cover it. In the mean time I have to wait for open enrollment. The funny part is out of everything troubling me the trans issues are last on the scale. They're bothering me badly when I really think about that I'm not a bio guy which is often lately but out of everything those trans issues aren't bad which I would think it's be the other way around, those being the worst and everything else being not as bad.

When I was unemployed there was a center in town that had free counseling for people who couldn't afford it. Maybe if you call a counselor in your town they could refer you to something like that. It sucks having issues pile up on you so talking to someone might help, even if its not a gender therapist for now. Again sorry to hear things are sucky right now, until they get better you can always vent here.

Thanks hurtfulsplash I'm actually IMing with my ex fiancee right now... Today is our daughters birthday and I knew that I could not just ignore it. Conversation is civil so far which is a lot better than in the past. I guess I'm just trying to see if I can find closure and it is kind of working. She's going back to school, getting her GED, living on her own. As stupid as it sounds I'm actually proud of her which is helping me a lot. I talked to my mom today about possibly getting a councilor or someone sliding scale to talk to until I get insurance which went well so there is help there. As well as explained to her some things going on in my head. Maybe I was just looking at it all wrong. But thanks, it helps to have somewhere to talk when it feels like everything is falling apart.

Things sound a lot better today : ) And Happy Birthday to your daughter.